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"I never wondered where you went, I only wondered why…"
This boy has been thinking about life lately. The happy/sad moments of wonder.
"Am I really where I want to be?"
Perplexing when, or if, or what, I should be when I grow up.
Because god knows that hasn't happened yet. i guess this middle field emotion is what we call coping. Some might call, not knowing where to go. I fully believe everyone has a time and a place, unfortunately they’re not always born then or there. Overall I'm realizing that time waits for no man.
I’m supposed to be one of the 'grown-ups'. We are supposed to know what we want to do with our lives. Now it's all supposed to make sense. I'm still waiting for it to start.
In a few hours, it will be January, a time for renewal. A time to say, "This is the year! This year everything is going to go my way." Well, whatever. Party Safe.
Song of the day: Concrete Blonde- "Caroline"
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12.27.01 "Hang on to your IQ"
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Last night I went with Adam to Donnie Brasco's. It was the last liquid media night held there. We played some pool and had WAY too much to drink. I threw up most of it, but saved enough for the ride home. Adam's car had chucks of my dinner airbrushed across the right side of his car. Yeah, it was one for the ages.
Oh, the leech found a job, if only temporarily. Wanna guess what it is?
Well, apparently that fugly piece of white-trash is going to be in a porno movie. Yeesh, I feel sorry for the whore who'll have sex with his monkey ass.
So what did we learn today?
1. I am not made for drinking.
2.I really suck at pool.
3.Don't ever rent a mike ringler porno movie.
Song of the day: George Thorougood & The Destroyers- "One Whisky, one Scotch & one Beer"
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12.25.01 What do you miss most?
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Merry Christmas!
You know what I miss most? Innocence.
Especially around the holidays, when memories are cannibalized by complacent regret. Not that I regret anything I’ve done. I just miss having the undying ‘hope’ that sparkles in the eye of every child. The worry free days have, much like Elvis, left the building.
Even at the precipice of depression, I still find time to close my eyes, and just breathe. Taking the time to appreciate the moment,the surprises at hand.
Christmas day is almost anti-climatic-for soon the presents will be opened and the tinseled tree will be nothing more than a fire hazzard. But we will do it all over again next year in order to feel, innocent.
Song of the day: Trans-Siberian Orchestra- "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo"
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12.21.01 full of xmas cheer
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My Xmas Break has finally begun.
After last night's evening at Panic with Roxie and Jeremiah, I decided not head to the office today. I did work however, I had food boxes to pick up with Elsa at 8am plus a Holiday Brunch with some co-workers before going home at noon.
Only four days till Christmas. Depression hasn't set in just yet.
It's just a matter of time before I realize how much money I spent and how little this year changed from the previous one. Anyone have a gun they're not using???
Song of the day: The Dead Milkmen- "Punk Rock Girl"
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12.19.01 The Good the Bad & the Ugly
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The Good
Bless you Squaresoft for releasing Final Fantasy X early!
The Bad
Damn you Sony for not lowering the price on the PS2 and making shell
out $300 for it!
The Ugly
I’m packing my belongings to move out of my current abode. Moving is such a huge pain in the ass, but after two years, the time has come to say goodbye. I don’t know where I’m moving but from now on, I want to live my way. Which means NO smelly dogs, rave music or strangers crashing. Did I tell you I’m allergic to dust, hard work and cardboard boxes?
Song of the day: The Cars- "Drive"
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12.15.01 "…a Spanish Lullabye"
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Yesterday was certainly interesting. After much schedule conflict and deliberation, my co-workers and I finally found the time to dine at the opulent, Barcelona Restaurant. With it's ritzy well-dressed patrons, fresco detailed ceiling and blue lit waterfountain entrance way, it was everything I had expected. Wearing my Banana Republic/Kenneth Cole "Ricky Martin" outfit, I made my way in. Eventually I was joined by Elsa, Christina and her mother, Gloria.
We ordered our Tapas and Sangria, noticing the problem with all Spanish restaurants (at least in this area)-the lack of Spaniards. Where are our people???
During the seafood paella portion of my dinner, a jazz band started playing.
I didn't notice till a lovely brunnette started singing Madonna and Marvin Gaye classics. Certainly making my evening more enjoyable. After desert and a $200+ check, we left, just as the beautiful people were walking in. That's what I get for hanging out with old people.
To make up for all their kindness, I spent all day Xmas shopping for them.
$120 later, I'm still not done. Damn.
Song of the day: Madonna- "La Isla Bonita"
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12.13.01 "…on the 1st day of xmas"
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Today is one of the coldest days I’ve ever experienced in AZ. I couldn’t have been more than 45· outside at 11am. The ice on my car and the lights around the block do not lie. Neither do Cheech&Chong’s xmas routine or Adam Sandler’s "Hanukkah Song". It’s starting to feel like the holidays. Speaking of which, the twelve days of Christmas have begun. Where is the partridge on a pear tree? All I see are Starvation Army bell ringers outside of every store. The ones who make me take the long way around or just avoid the place altogether. Impeding my shopping experience, which reminds me-what are you getting me?
Song of the day: Primus- "Southbound Pachyderm"
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12.10.01 "…she's superfreaky…"
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The derelict hotel continues to be our house, thanks to adam.
Apparently, every fuck-up he has ever known is welcome to stay with us.
I’m sick of that shit. I will admit that 90% *wait* 95%, of everyone I knew in high school was (and continues to be) a fuck-up. I don’t keep in contact with those people anymore. However, that doesn’t mean that my current acquaintances are perfect. Actually, I don’t think I know a single ‘normal’ person. Everyone I know has some drama in their life. Some worse than others, like the phone call I got yesterday. Well, it’s not for public knowledge but it certainly shocked the unshockable me.
I needed that.
Song of the day:
Mœnia- "Hay que caer"
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12.07.01 creatures of the night
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I can’t believe it’s already been 5yrs to the day I first saw the pumpkins at AWA. I swear, it’s insane how quick the sands of the hourglass fall. Where has the time gone?
I totally remember being excited about that show. In order to savour my experience I stopped listening to any Pumpkins CD or song a week before the show.
Well, tonight is Friday and Club Conspiracy is calling. Rox and I are checking it out for the first time, to see what dark and evil things bump in the night. Besides us.
Song of the day: Godsmack- "Voo Doo"
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12.05.01 Heard a good Plunk?
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This morning did not start well.
The lovely winter rain from last night froze my car shut this morning.
I struggled in the morning darkness, trying to melt the ice with the car heater. While lowering the still-frozen driver side window, I heard a *plunk*. Is there ever a good plunk sound? Of course not, down went my window, at the wrong angle no less. I did manage to put it back "in place", but unless I’m willing to fork over the cash and time to fix it (I’m not). I’m afraid I won’t be going in any drive-thru’s for a while.
Song of the day: Eurythmics- "Here Comes The Rain"
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12.02.01 "freaks come out @ night"
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After the cocktail soiree, I came home feeling pretty tipsy. I waited with anticipation for Adam to get off the phone so we could head out to the XBOX Odyssey. We get there at 9pm after Adam locked his keys in his room. The whole scene is dead, sure there’s some college kids walking around as always, but the Art Festival closed at 6pm-bastards! The Nintendo one didn’t close till midnight. We head to Bandersnatch for a pitcher of SunDevil IPA beer (alcohol content 6.66%). I get a page from Roxie who is heading out to the Cajun House. She invites us to see The Mockingbirds, an 80’s cover band. We make our way back north, mandatory bathroom pit stop and head out. We couldn’t find a parking spot to save our lives. Eventually, we met up with blondie, wearing her bad-ass pimp coat. The place has few people, yuppies in their 30’s. We chat and drink, drink and chat, sharing Bacchanalian stories of times past. We leave after shooting some sticks, heading toward Roxie’s valet-parked car. I tell the attendant that we are her, "entertainment for the night" to which he chuckles. She dropped me off at my"teal monstrosity", as she termed it, Adam agreed. Jap car drivin' Playa Haters!!! We head back to my place so Rox can sober up in the meantime philosophize life and dreams. We were so thrashed, nevertheless an interesting evening.
Song of the day: Poison- "Talk Dirty to Me"
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12.01.01 "quiet birds in circled flight."
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2:30pm
I can’t believe it’s already December, time just flies by when you’re NOT having fun, as well, apparently. Speaking of which, I have half an hour to write before jumping in the shower. There’s the work soiree/cocktail/birthday party in N.Scottsdale to attend. Though I don’t particularly like spending extra time with people I work with. I was promised paella, free drinks and a good time.
Afterwards, I’m heading back to my ‘hood to meet up with Adam.
Us, video-game playing nerds, will head to the Tempe Fall Festival and check out the XBOX Odyssey exhibition. Tonight should be interesting, hope yours is too.
R.I.P. George Harrison
Song of the day: George Harrison- "While my guitar gently weeps"
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11.29.01 autumn wonderland
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It wafts in the air, the smell of lit chimneys.
My skin goosebumps from the crisp autumn air. Overcast skies of delight and depression. It’s beginning to feel like fall, my favorite season. The mall is a sea of candy-caned/pine-coned, confusion sprinkled with fake-snow. Christmas shopping is underway, the kids are lining up to ask Santa for their desires. A ritual repeated since I can remember. Except I’m perpetually on Santa’s ‘Naughty’ list, which defeats the purpose of the season.
I’m feeling the onset of depression.
Song of the day: A Perfect Circle- "The Hollow"
A weekend of eating, shopping and resting comes to an end. Last night I headed over to the Roxstar’s place. We were meeting up to head over to the Weezer-Tenacious D-Jimmy Eat World
concert. Discussing the usual drama over the usual drinks, realizing that no matter how many weeks pass, everything stays the same.
At 6:30pm, we headed out into the brisk November night, wanting to get there early enough to see Jimmy Eat World and support the hometown boys.
The lines outside AWA were huge, the east entrance line ended were the west entrance line began-take your pick. Did I mention we desperately needed a bathroom? As we entered the arena, it was 7:30 we could hear "Bleed American", shit! they started early, or very on-time.
We found our seats, the first section from the left, four rows up.
The next band was the unique, Tenacious D. Teeter-tottering between brilliance and insanity, they jested thru Iron Maiden/Dio-ish sounding parodies. Even stating that System of a Down’s "Chop Suey" was nothing but "jibber-jabber". We drank a couple of $10 vodka/tonics and waited for the headliners to play.
Weezer took the stage playing songs from all three of their albums. Some of the highlights included "in the Garage" "Undone, the sweater song", "Say it ain’t so" and "Glorious Day." They ended the show by raining glitter on the audience during "Only in Dreams." Encoring with "Buddy Holly"and "Surfwax America." For the price, the set list and bands provided the best concert I’ve been to this year. Finally! a show that did not disappoint.
Song of the day: Queen Adreena- "Weeds"
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11.22.01 like a cukoo clock's koo
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Giving thanks
I'll thank my current state of mind: indifference. No longer hatred or anger or even entitlement. Thanks to depression for not settling in...too much. Thanks to friends for trying the impossible.
Happy Thanksgiving.
"Dream as if you'll live forever"
Live as if you'll die today"
-James Dean-
Song of the day: Billy Idol- "Sweet Sixteen"
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11.20.01 "whore of my tears"
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Yesterday started off well. I called in sick to try to get upgraded Tori Amos tickets. Once, my brother and I got there we realized what a futile attempt that was. There were people who’d been there since 2am. We decided not to waste our time and go cd shopping. From the Ghetto Superstore Zia to the one in tempe, then onto Stinkweeds followed by Disc Connection. I charged 80+ dollars worth of cd’s and dvd’s. Then it was onto to Dillard’s to do some early x-mas shopping (and another $70). After eating we headed back downtown to the Web Theater for the show. Once there I realized that I’ve never seen that many lesbians in one place. They were hugging and kissing, a total dyke-fest. The doors opened at 7pm. Then things started to turn as sour and last month’s milk still sitting in the fridge. first of all, those goddamned idiots at ticketbastard didn’t account for the sound/lighting boards when selling tickets. Starting with Row L (my row), down to row ‘Q’ which is were they put us. I was livid, how the fuck do you run a show when you don’t take into account those things? Not only had we been moved back, now our view was obstructed with their monitors, lights and heads. I could see the set list on the lighting guy’s board. I already knew the show was going to suck even before she started. Like clockwork, tori played those songs. She spoke to the crowd once between her set.
The last song ended, without clapping I ran out of there and to my car before everyone else did. 15min later, I was back home majorly disappointed with the whole evening. This morning my only saving grace was getting the Smashing Pumpkins ‘Greatest Hits’ collection. Thank you Pumpkins, you never let me down.
Song of the day: Smashing Pumpkins- "Blissed and Gone"
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11.15.01 Curious & Curiouser
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Oh great, this is just my luck! I bought a hella-expensive MacAddict magazine, because it had a demo of ‘Alice’ for the Mac. As it turns out, there are minimum system requirements which the CD didn’t specify. Needless to say, as pimpin as this laptop is, the game wasn’t going to run on 64mg of RAM. Damn. Maybe I'm just pissy cause I'm dreading my trip to the airport. I always do, but my brother is coming to town for Thanksgiving. Here is this twenty year old kid, who goes to a 22K a year school. If that wasn't outrageous enough, he is actually thinking of majoring in psychology. I simply take issue when somebody deliberately overeducates themselves out of the possibility of useful employment. Can't he learn from someone else's mistakes?
Song of the day: Foo Fighters- "Everlong (acoustic)"
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11.13.01 Night of 1000 Blondes
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Veteran’s Day, a day of respite from the drama that is work and life.
I awakened with leisure, looking forward that night’s show-more than anything, Dublin’s JJ72.
I headed over to the Roxstar’s place. After some drama trying to find her some dinner and drinking some Absolut mandarin/7-Up mix. We headed over to Nita’s Hidaway.
There was some confusion over the name-list for a bit. Eventually we made it in. The band I had come to see took the stage at 8:00pm. Mark Greaney stage presence and overall look are incredibly reminiscent of Thom Yorke. Of course there was gorgeous blonde bassist Hillary Woods who struts that bass like The Pumpkins D’arcy and Melissa Auf Der Maur. On a side note, for someone that isn’t into blondes, there sure was a lot of flaxen eye candy to be found last night. Sadly, they only played for half an hour, but the intensity they put into every song made them the highlight. During the Remi Zero set,I spotted Sony’s Tanya Hughes, who had been nice enough to put me on the list. She was talking to the JJ’s Fergal Matthews. I took the opportunity to thank her, while also meeting young Fergal. I told him how much I enjoyed their performance (while wishing he was Hillary) to which he responded "cheers mate" and extended his hand so I could shake it, nice guy. I highly recommend catching them in concert.
Song of the day: Coldplay- "Trouble"
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11.09.01 "what if I was Heathcliff?"
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My clothes, hair, even my skin are inpregnated with the stench of stale cigarettes and cheap drinks. Nevertheless, it was good to be at Panic last night. Got loadsa Radiohead stuff, pins, and posters. The best part came when I won free passes to see Peter Yorn, not necessarily because I even know who he is, but because JJ72 is opening the show. They’ve been rockin my world since September with their Placebo-esque songs. This is the first time I’ve been more interested in the opening act than the headliner since Poison opened up for David Lee Roth back in ’88. Damn, those were good times. Which brings me to this weekend's moment of thought.
How old would you be, if you didn't know how old you were?
I am expecting an answer from you in the form of a 250 word essay by tuesday.
eighteen-year-oldin'
Kid A
Song of the day:Michael Penn"No Myth"
Last night was election night. During which, our district had a bond election to build a new high school and restore the southern schools. Well, it appears scottsdale voters didn't agree on that. So now, the district is in the whole for like $3.3M of spent money before the vote. Programs and other spenditures are being cut, starting with travel money. I get an email from the boss-lady today telling all of us that the Philly trip is off. Afterall, god forbid that her six figure income should be affected.
Song of the day: The Doors"Waiting for the Sun"
BiRG:
A psychological term describing to Bask in Reflective Glory.
Basically, what Phoenix feels like today after the Diamondbacks won the Word Series.
After the Suns blew it in ’76 and ’93, after ASU choked in the ’97 Rosebowl and in a night when the Suns, the Cardinals and the Coyotes all lost, we finally had a winner. ‘Champion’ and Arizona are not terms that often used together-yet they seem perfectly matched today. Arizona and the city of Phoenix needed a championship. Desperately,
The jubilation erupted as the fireworks flew at 9:17pm after Luis Gonzalez’s hit drove in Jay Bell to beat the Damn Yankees like circus monkeys. It’s the first World Series I can remember watching. I’m not necessarily a baseball fan but our home team made me watch their heart-attack antics, milking every ounce of anxiety this town had to offer. I called my brother who was screaming and hollering in celebration down in Houston. Two aunts and my grandma (who don’t live in this state) called my mom to join the festivities. Cars honked their horns and elated people packed the streets downtown. I’ve never seen the city glow like this.
It’s a warm Glow.
Song of the day:Queen"We are the Champions"
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11.03.01 "stuck in a moment"
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So there we were, listening to people in their late 40's kareokee-ing to songs of the 60's. "If we were that old, this would be a happening party" commented Roxie. "That'll be us in 20yrs, except we'll be singing 80's songs" I answered, while sipping on my Vodka/tonic made by "AL".
You see, this happened to be a work-party for my boss' promotion. My good friend (and incredible suck-up) Karen, threw this little soireé and guilt-tripped me into going. I didn't want to go by myself so I asked the Blonde One to come along. After the 45min drive to Cave-Creek, and risking Rox's bladder-we arrived at the Lorson's. We dranked and mingled and i introduced her to some colleagues-though we did not do the name tag thing. If people don't know who we are, or at least who I, they don't need to know. Besides the kids, we were the youngest one's there. By the time the old folks starting dancing and singing to songs older than us, we knew it was our cue to exit. Roxie had to call her "friend" and it's a helluva long way back. Before getting in my car we just stared at the stars and moon through a cactus in the desert night. There was just something about that peaceful, serene moment.
Song of the day:Tori Amos"Icicle"
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10.31.01 Want some candy?
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Well, last night was interesting. Finding myself in the westside having my TOOL experience. Catching up with Jerrett at the gas station before heading out. The line was huge just to get metal detected. In keeping up with tradition, Adam lost like $15 bucks when he forgot to pick up his change after buying a $5.25 beer. That boy always loses something at concerts.
It was a good show if somewhat short. My legs are aching from standing and from Adam making me run (yes, RUN! the bastard) to get to his car and beat the traffic out. Neither of us went to bed before midnight, needless to say it was a rough day at work.
Tonight is Halloween, but no one has knocked at the door since the Diamondbacks are playing in the World Series. Just as well, I've ran out of needles to stick into the expired candy bars.
Spiral Out
Song of the day:Danzig"Twist of Cain"
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10.28.01 Barley's Angels watching me
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Headache and bloodshot eyes. That usually means the morning after an evening with Roxie. I headed towards to blonde-one's apt, after declining an invitation to a halloween party from adam/david/kam. We headed to Chilli's for dinner, the World Series was on, and the DiamondBacks were kicking Yankee ass (yay!). After some Margaritas and dinner, it was off to Zia then back to her place. Over cloves and vodka/tonics we discussed life, love and fate. Whose to say who's right? I suppose time will tell.
We came back to watch the ending of Staying Alive just to see Travolta "strut" with his tight Sergio Valente jeans. Yup, cheesy early 80's shit. It was getting late and my drowsy ass needed to get home.
The drive back was an adventure, the pigs were out in full force. It was like a k-Mart blue light special. Needless to say, it was making me paranoid. It's a long drive back when you go the speed limit.
Song of the day: Travis "Side"
It comes in waves, the depths of my 'supposed' happiness give way to shallow reality. It stares at me from a foggy mirror, mockingly so. Reminding me that true happiness doesn't exist for people like me. Only an ephemeral representation thereof. Broken eyes still melt in the sun. Perhaps it’s catharsis, a mixture of rage and hopelessness. Like so many letters left unsent and comments left unsaid.
You’re the icing on the cake on the table at my wake.
Song of the day: Nirvana "Blandest"
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10.20.01 for the fourth night
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Partying like a rockstar, the way it ought to be. Since wednesday at Donnie Brasco's, Thursday at Anderson's and last night-this boy hasn't gotten to bed earlier than 2am. Speaking of which, friday was Nintendo Gamecube Club night for the boys, at 11pm we headed towards John&Karen's halloween office party. By the time we found the place, everyone was already taking their drunk asses home. Some drunker than others. We stayed for a bit, lamenting the lame 70's Kareokee but enjoying the free bar and leftover food. T'was then time for Video Round-Up. Adam insisted we take the 'scenic route' (ie: Van Buren aka Ho-ville) for the ride up. He was the driver, so what the hell. When we finally reached Scottsdale, we realized how much things had changed. It was virtually teen-free, I guess they follow curfew laws. We stuck around to play three games of pool. Then it was back home to play video games till 3am. Ahh, and tonight still awaits.
Song of the day: Sir Mix-a-lot "Posse's on Broadway"
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10.17.01 weaving a tapestry
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Time flies when your living life. It's already wednesday-my break is more than half over. Where does time go? Honestly. I mean, does wasted time or past moments end up in some sort of time-junkyard? A place only memories and old newspapers exist? It seems as if everytime I open the paper I'm looking at the wedding picture of someone I went to school with. Today it was Zoenda Parks, a cute, pale, blue-eyed brunette who was a couple of years older than me.
Strange how High School still seems like yesterday, or at least last month. When we were kids with hopes and dreams that've yet to be realized. Perhaps it's just me, however. The hourglass spills it's grains, as time drifts away like so many fantasies you and I will never share.
Song of the day: The Bangles cover of- "Hazy Shade of Winter"
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10.15.01 "as the pendulum swings"
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Monday, monday. It's really not so bad when you don't have to work.
I have this week off-finally, i've been counting down to this since Labor Day. Especially after the drama filled week I've had.
Time to rest, relax and see what trouble I can get into. My roomate and I going to Donnie Brasco's in tempe wed night, and a nintendo gamecube-club thing on friday. Till then, my schedule is free, so give me a call. We'll party.
Song of the day: Linkin Park- "In the End"
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10.12.01 "wintertime in France"
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Once again, I am reporting from ground zero-aka, my parent’s house.
The embers of what transpired yesterday still smolder. My mom doesn’t talk to my sister anymore than she has to. Though for some strange reason she is still giving her $50 to apply to some school. I’m glad I have my own place to escape to, I don’t need any more images in my mind. Thank you.
Man, did it get ugly here 24hrs ago. What I needed was some relief and I got it last night. Roxie and her friend Jeremiah were heading to Panic Night and I went along. After running into some out of town ID dilemma and the usual invisible stain/lint problems. We grabbed *our* table and chatted. The R/J glowin' blondes danced as I checked out the goth-side. Damn, couldn’t go there-I was wearing too much white.
The evening progressed ordering the usual drink specials (re: watered down vodka/tonics) some served by a fullet-headed waitress. J-man even had us try a Texas concoction known as a Dirty Girl-Scout.
I eventually had to go to the bathroom, which I hate at Anderson's. There’s always a dude with a little table full of tic-tacs, gum, and condoms-that watches you piss in this tiny little bathroom about the size of my half-icle. Of course, this bastard blocks the one goddamn sink in the place. So when you wash your hands he's the mofo handing you a bounty towel. Brotha now expects a dollar fo’ his 2 seconds of work. As the night wore on, more people came and dance. Eventually I ended up there when they played Berlin's "The Metro."
It was getting late and I needed to get home. (I'd like to thank R, J and their "glow" for a fun evening.) I even got a free Garbage CD thanks to Roxie. Her hottie-bombalottie-ness is enough to make even a gay dj do a double take-or at least give her free stuff. Which meant we all took a ride in that gravy train.
or should I say Metro?
Song of the day: Berlin- "The Metro"
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10.11.01 "subtle innuendoes follow"
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"...you don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?"
Since there’s no phone at my place, I’m updating from the ‘rents. Right now, there’s a strange, uncomfortable feeling in my parent’s house. You see, my mom found out my sister is having sex. She found pills or something, I’m not even sure, and it really doesn’t matter. My mom is forever tainted with that image and there’s nothing my sister can do to get rid of it. She has broken a bound of trust that has build for 17yrs. Nothing, can really fix it but time. She is grounded for life, or at least until she leaves for college.
I don’t know how naïve my mom could’ve been. They’ve been going out for over a year. I guess, I’m being realistic-and not so older-brotherish.
My mom is understandably upset, my sister speaks in muffled, cries.
"I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry you found out this way."
I can’t even count how many times she’s said that. God, I would hate to be either one of them right now. This feels like an episode of Dawson’s Creek.
Song of the day: Adam Ant- "Goody, two shoes"
So guess what? The phone is cut but the internet isn't. Woo-Hoo! At least that's something. I'm taking the time to revel in such a discovery.
Happiness is here, i can always call from the 'rents house, if need be.
Do you know what it’s like to be the youngest employee at a company?
Well, some of you do. It’s not fun-you can’t really relate to anyone that’s old enough to be your mom. They ask you to be their tech-person because otherwise they "would using slide-rulers" (whatever the hell those are). They light scented candles (vanilla being the flavor of the week) and crank up the easy listening station. So obviously I have my book and my headphones to survive those 8hrs. Today’s choice, Entertainment Weekly’s hits from 1984. Oh Hell’s yeah!
Sunglasses at night wearin',
A
Song of the day: P.O.D- "Alive"
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10.08.01 connecting the dots
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Well, the internet is still working so i'll take time to write.
This morning i awoke to find new bug bites on my legs. Looking like red constellations on my feet. hey, this one looks like Cassiopeia
I got to work today, went into my room and realized there's no electricity in the outlets. Which means, no computer, printers, or ethernet hubs. I sat around reading a book for two hrs waiting for it to get fixed. The day actually went by pretty fast, somewhat upset that I have to work on Columbus day. Now the pisser. As if it wasn't bad enough that we take a chance flying anywhere, the district wants us to pay for any out of town trip we take. Including, hotel, food, etc-which they'll pay back (if all receipts are included on a credit card). All for the privilige of attending a boring ass conference? Needless to say, I'm thinking the philadelphia trip over. If I'm going to spend a $1000+ I might as well go somewhere I want. I knew there was going to be a catch.
Pissedly yours,
Lord A
Song of the day: The Flowerpot Men- "Beat City"
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10.07.01 Inmates running the Asylum
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A CNN *special report* about the counter attack on the terrorist woke me up this morning. The fear of flying is setting in again. I gotta take this time to write. I may not be able to update since our phone service is getting turned off sometime this week (no phone=no internet).
The school has a new proxy which makes it impossible for me to read my email or update my journal. So until I either get internet or the phone gets paid-it's going to be hard. Why is it coming to this, well my irresponsible roomate is to blame. Apparently he got busted driving alone in the HOV lane. Smart, eh?
It's been a good cloudy weekend. Even though the droplet leave my car dirtier than clean. Got some cd's and it looks like a promising week. The wicked witch of the west(side) is leaving for her new job on wednesday. So it's picture time for our staff tomorrow. I've spent a half hour practicing my Hollywood smile. Then fare thee well, boss lady.
Song of the day: Catherine Wheel- "Black Metallic"
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10.04.01 Granola Overdose
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Tangerines in suspended animation-frozen amidst the Dole gelatin. Cookie crumbs, chips and warm Coca-Cola, that is today’s lunch.
I have a sore neck from nothing in particular. Well, maybe "nothing" isn’t the right word. At least granola Becky and her granola BF finally left. That girl always got on my nerves, and adam’s too so I don’t know why the hell he let them stay for a couple of nights. Of course, there’s new drama at work since my boss is taking over another dept. and wants to use us there as well. Meaning more work for the same pay. Fuck that! I guess, it's time to look for a new position.
And the time came, when the effort it took to change was less painful than the effort it took to remain the same.
Song of the day: The Pretenders- "I go to Sleep"
Cloudy skies on Monday morning, even more of a reason to stay in bed.
The perfect day to feign illness, except I’m too responsible.
Besides, I have to someone interview.
Tired eyes and sleepless nights will have their revenge on me today.
Amongst the grey skies of desert land-wind whispers your name.
Just another day in the trenches of my post-it covered, two wall (half-icle?) cubicle.
Song of the day: Elliot Smith- "Miss Misery"
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09.29.01 TV Dinner thoughts
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Here I sit, enjoying (well, at least 'eating') my microwaveable Stoufer's Chicken dinner. It looks nothing like the picture, "Nothing comes closer to home"-my ass! I suppose you can't expect much for $2.19. It's been a long week-made even longer since finding out the best radio station in metro Phoenix is being reformatted. 106.3 The Edge, the only station I've listened to since I was a senior in high school, was sold. Worse yet, it'll be some mexican format-which will take it off my presets ASAP. Indeed it is a sad ending to a great radio station. No longer will I be able to hear my kind of music on the airwaves.
I'm pissed! And now my chicken is cold.
Song of the day: The Cult- "She sells Sanctuary"
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09.27.01 "Emptiness by Candlelight"
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"Nothing falls like darkness chasing the sun into the sea..."
My bloodshot eyes are burden by the light, the day after Goth night at the Jar.
Few things are as pretentious as a Goth night, I mean Axis/Radius has nothing on that place. Everyone was dressed like Stevie Nicks meets an Anne Rice character. One of the coolest aspects about shows at the Jar is how band hang out before/after the show. They grab drinks and talk to people, mingle.
I think one of the first girls I saw (or noticed since the other ones were ugly) was Stacey Campbell, guitarist for the Crüxshadows.
Five minutes after I arrived, Reliquary took the stage. A girl on vocals, another on bass and a fat guy with a ‘Happy Music Sucks’ T-shirt on guitar played five songs only stopping to say ‘thank you’ to the audience. Meanwhile, I walked around the black lit room. Somehow bringing out the lint on my velvet pants and the invisible stains on my, otherwise, white shirt. Up to this point, I had never seen a band (much less three) that played live without a drummer.
In between sets, they played old Goth faves, The Smiths, Siouxie Sioux and Depeche Mode. You have to give some props to the fat girls who dance around without a care. I guess everyone went to the same dance lessons as they all had that "reach & pull" dance style.
Next up was Bella Morte took the stage. As their website describes it, they’re a
"unique hybrid of gothic, synthpop, punk, and darkwave."
The singer had an Anthony Kiedis on speed style of moving and singing.
The highlight (at least from my perspective) were the covers. Bella Morte’s renditions of Berlin’s ‘Metro’ and closing the set with an industrial version of Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart will go On.’
Crüxshadows took the stage at 11:40- (I told myself, ‘self, you’re going to be feeling this tomorrow’). Rogue, the tall (extra foot of hair) lead singer with his Britney Spears’ Micro/headphone set expouted poetry as he walked amongst the audience while screaming his heart out. Making dramatic and grandiose gestures with his flashlight holding hands.
Rachel came from the back of the stage to rock the crowd with an electric violin-which kicked ass. Both girls are better looking in person than in pictures. Chris didn’t do much, but I guess that isn’t his role. CXS played an industrialized version of the Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Sin’. I kept looking at my watch, the 13th hour came and went on my Emily Strange watch. ‘Marilyn, my Bitterness’ closed the night-as the singer pulled up people to dance on the stage. I bough a poster and a "concert exclusive" CD. All in all, it was a good experience for a Goth night virgin.
So what did we learn today?
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Goth chicks are hot-but not 24/7
- Cigarette smoke and eyes do not mix.
- Black light and my clothes are not friends.
Song of the day: The Crüxshadows cover of- "It's a Sin"
Do you know what the best part about fall is? They finally start selling Boo-berry cereal in the stores. Few things are better than a cereal that turns your milk purple. Sure, in other places, the weather starts getting cooler, the days shorter and there's a crisp in the air. Meanwhile, we sizzle in our 300° cars with wind searing our eyes leaving green/orange, amoeba shaped objects flashing when we step into a room. Rain is but a memory. Much like sex, it is little more than a fading, fleeting thought in my consciousness.
I've realized this month that I'm neglecting the preciousness of sleep. That is not a good sign for someone who has to get up at the time I do. There's just so many things to do. Tonight is goth night at the Mason Jar, I've never been to one, the only reason I'm going is because one of Kathy's favorites the Crüxshadows are playing there tonight. I have the white long sleeve and the black, velvet pants ready and waiting. As they say, "when in Rome."
Song of the day:4 Non-Blondes- "Drifting"
8:20am
I have to give massive props to Roxie. After the week I had, I needed some release and we found it at Anderson’s Fifth Estate's ‘Panic’ night. The BritPop/Indie music night that filled our ears with aural pleasure (I said ‘aural’ you filthy animals). Not to mention, I saw my old friend Notah there. Chilling as usual, us old 'parc placers' talked about old times, old coworkers and just how damn cool this club is on Thursday nights.
We danced a bit to some old Cure and Siouxie, it was actually quite fun. Too bad I had to come to work today. All drowsy and teary-eyed. Now I have to come up with an excuse to leave before noon so I can get Tool tickets.
12:15pm
Happiness is hanging out with old friends, getting TOOL tickets and getting off work early =)
Song of the day: The Stone Roses- "I wanna be Adored"
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09.20.01 "magic mixed with mud"
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The good news, I got Tori Amos tickets. The bad news they cost me $102.70! WTF?!?!? I remember when tix used to cost twenty bucks. Damn TicketBastard! how can you do that to a fellow Sun Devil? Tomorrow I have to find some way to find tix to Tool so that I don't have to get up at dawn on saturday. Some might say, their music is a polar opposite. But I don't measure intensity by how loud a song is, but what meaning it holds.
In other news, I'm pissed that my nepotist bitch boss gave substantial raises to her husband and other people, but not us. The four of us are already talking about quitting or at least applying for different positions.
It's simply not fair-when it's us who do all the work. But I won't bore you with those dilemas-it's not your problem. I now have to get ready because it's Panic night at Anderson's Fifth Estate.
Song of the day: Cranes- "Sun & Sky"
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09.17.01 "dangers of our second guesses"
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Slowly things are getting back to "normal" thought I don't think things will ever be the same. Sen. John McCain spoke at Chaparral High, were I had my office last year. Damn, I missed the opportunity to hear him speak. It seems I’m always "just missing" things. I missed him at Arcadia when he spoke the year after I left.
Worse yet, is when you stick around too long and meet up with people you'd rather not see. Like Tommy-boy, wearing his trademark concert t-shirt (dude? you’re like 30yrs old, give it up!). The buck-tooth hillbilly MoFo I’m always running into. Where is the rest of Class of ’93? Oh yea, probably married with kids.
I'll leave you with this thought, dreams are like kisses-so warm, so beautiful and sometimes so wet ;)
Song of the day: Garbage- "Milk"
I’m still angry, dismayed and saddened. This is the worst event I have ever seen in my 26yrs of life. Our country attacked, our cities destroyed, our people dead. My heartfelt condolences go out to the families who lost a loved one. A daughter, a son, a father, a mother, a brother or sister-just like each of us. I can’t imagine what those innocent people must have thought about as they viewed a giant airplane heading towards them. My God-what did these people go through? People jumping from 60 stories out of sheer desperation. The horrified realization that they had two seconds left to live. What was their last thought? Their life flashing before their eyes a split second before impact. The poor children at the WTC day-care who never had a chance to live. All by the hands of some rat faced, shit eating, muslim motherfucker. God Damn you osama bin laden!, Fuck you and fuck your bloodthirsty allah!, Both of you can kiss my ass! America will use the koran as toilet paper. I have never wanted an atomic bomb and directions to mecca as much as I do now.
God Bless America. God Bless us ALL.
Song of the day: Peter Gabriel- "I Grieve"
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09.11.01 Unforgivable Infamy
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Unbelievable, unforgettable and unimaginable shock.
Surreal images, eternally burned into our collective consciousness. Hijacked planes nose-diving into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. New York and Washington lie in rubble. Millions glued to their televisions, tens of thousands dead, the face of America forever changed-this just doesn’t seem real. Our country was attacked by terrorist-Pearl Harbor style. Chaos and destruction, the kind only Hollywood could muster. Except this isn’t a movie.
Song of the day: The Cure- "Killing an Arab"
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09.10.01 "victims looking for sympathy"
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Post night, pre-morning. The faint glimmer of morning light shrouds everything a dull off-white. The sun has yet to rise, as such, color does not exist. Just shades of grey, like an old Black & White movie telling me it’s time to get up.
It’s realizing Nirvana’s Nevermind CD came out 10yrs ago today and I must crank it on my way to work, to remember my sophomore year in high school.
It’s doing laundry and forgetting to put detergent in the machine
It’s going to work to punch holes in 1200 sheets of paper.
It’s forgetting to take my earrings off before my annual evaluation with the boss.
In other words, it’s Monday.
Song of the day: JJ72- "October Swimmer"
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09.07.01 "heavens no, hell yeah..."
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It’s payday and it’s Friday-a short week that has seemed longer than most. I had to go pick up the 4 foot sandwich and the ice for my training/hosting soiree today at noon. 11:50am, NO ONE had shown up. WTF? There I had been, flooring the gas pedal because lateness does not become me. And if there were anything next to (godliness), cleanliness would be shoved aside for being prompt.
Eventually people did show up at 11:55, but I was still pretty resentful.
You know, I must really be getting old. While watching the MTV video awards, I noticed that, not only, did I not care much for the acts, I particularly hate Carson Daily. The vacuous, ass kissing, teleprompt reading, excuse for a VJ. Someone really needs to pop a cap in that Biotch. Anyone else miss Kennedy?
Song of the day: Bloodhound Gang- "Hell Yeah!"
I was already dreading the day when my alarm sounded. The more time I have off the less I feel like returning to work. The day got even worse once I found out I had a meeting from 2pm-4pm (I usually go home at 3pm). Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. The day progressed and I went to my meeting that's when I got the news. Which brings me to the question:
Guess who is going to Philly in march? That's right yours truly is heading to the city of Brotherly love, a cracked bell and Rocky. So now I'm all giddy and in need of luggage and warm clothing. Which reminds me, I hope you didn't wear white today.
Song of the day: Paul Lekakis- "Boom, Boom (Let's go back to my room)"
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09.03.01"Passion choke the flower"
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Another three-day weekend, one that will seem invariably and almost cruely short tomorrow morning. So what have a done this weekend? I've been watching VH-1's Top 80 of the 80's and shopping. Thus involving myself in the end of summer Mall chaos. Chaos the likes of women at a shoe sale. Speaking of which, i got a nice pair of Kenneth Cole buckle shoes and a $10, pink Polo dress shirt. Yes, pink-not many men can pull off pink, I'm hoping I can.
But more importantly,it's Labor Day! i have the day off and getting paid for it. I'm eating leftover pizza and sparkling lemonade like the good bachelor that I am. All is well with the world, at least today.
Song of the day: Delerium/Sarah McLachlan- "Silence"
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08.30.01"Red Eyes & Tears..."
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…from lack of sleep.
My friend Rox, came over last night. Finding her way to my house, despite my "crappy directions." Yeah, she can find her way from Tucson but not from seven miles away-go figure. I owed her big from the 'rave incident'. Nevertheless, it was soon time to put those tix I got from KarmA music to good use.
I still reek of stale cigarettes and cheap beer, but the setting seemed perfect. The intimate, basement feeling of the Mason Jar was the place to see the Bay Area’s BMRC. A Love & Rocket’s style band with a Morrissey-cum-Dylanesque delivery of music. The band played for 45min then went out to the bar to hang out with the audience. Roxie talked to her fellow Bay Area-ers and asked them to sign their album sleeve. Missing the drummer who walked right passed us but we couldn’t recognize his face. We left back to my house, talking about Spain, her Reddenbocker man and life in general. T’was past my bed time but it was worth it. Until I woke up again.
Song of the day: Dido- "The Hunter"
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08.27.01 itchy & scratchy
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I itch! The pink poka-dots of Calamine lotion have not subdued my mosquito bitten skin. It's unmistakable smell reminds me of being six years old with chicken pox and scratching like a Leper. Although, right now, that doesn’t seem to matter for I am ‘Up North’ once again. Like it’s rightful Lord and Master, I strut the halls of DMHS like I own the place. Ahh, it's nice to be appreciated, to have people ask if you 'need anything'. Indeed, I fit in well. All I need is to suck in my cheeks, tilt my nose to a 45° angle and an attitude.
Song of the day: Tool- "Eulogy"
Salutations to a three day weekend. Well, not for you but from my perspective anyway. I wonder if I should've played the Powerball jackpot last night. 200mil would be enough to get me out of this job, and this country. I’d be living the high roller life in Barcelona or London with my Swiss bank accounts and European cars. So why didn’t I buy a ticket?
Because I have a working knowledge of statistics and probabilities-my odds are 16 times more likely to die in a car accident on my way to buy the damn ticket than winning the jackpot. Afterall, if I wanted to take my chances with a dollar at 7-11, I would get a beef and bean burrito.
Song of the day: Third Eye Blind- "God of Wine"
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08.22.01"take away, take away..."
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I am ever so pissed! Some how, some way the district figured out a way to stop the Limewire and AIM software from being used on their T1 lines. Crap!!! I can’t download stuff anymore nor can I chat. Even my reading time has been reduced. I guess those bastards want us to work. Damn, their oily hides-damn them all to hell!
Song of the day: Social Distortion- "Ball & Chain"
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08.20.01 mosquito hickies
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They do this on purpose, the drabby grey walls reflect the pale flourescent light into my grey cubicle. (Notice that I use the British way of writing ‘grey’ not the American ‘gray’. I bet you didn't know that.)
My slug life got another pinch of salt this weekend. My mosquito bitten skin itches ("but think of them as mosquito hickies"). God, what a fucking disaster! From what I heard, things got even worse after we left, basically we avoided a riot. Adam lost the chill zone couches. The U-Haul trucks got vandalized-shit just hit the fan. Never again will I do that.
That was nothing but bullshit.
T'was another Monday. Working for the weekend, much like everyone else. I spent half the afternoon trying to open my bag of bite size Keebler cookies and the other doing a lot of work. I looked up and it was lunch, the *woo hoo* time to go home. I have Friday off, to drop my brother off at the airport to go back to his "Pimp Chateau." So at least my weekend starts on Thursday afternoon.
Song of the day: Weezer- "Glorious Day"
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08.19.01 "the future is coming on"
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The beeper beeped, the cell phone (with the Lord A banner) rang. The night was calling and I was stupid enough to answer. You see, I had promised to attend a rave sort of as a last hurrah for the roomate. I, however, did not expect it to be 100 miles away, past 12miles of dirt road in the middle of nowhere.
Worse yet, i dragged my friend Roxie along for the ride-in her low-to-the-ground, rootbeer colored, Prelude. Luring her with the promise of carnival style fun, as I had been (mis)informed by Midnight Society's Audio Dreamsflyer. Even asking her to give a ride to some anorexic, Chicago chick neither of us knew because she worked at Headquarters. After what seemed like forever, passing through trailer park towns and the State Prison we got there. Even getting in was a mess as I had to explain that I was on the will-call list. Luckily we spotted David and Adam walking by as we drove up for a parking spot. We walked around the stages, seeing kids rollin' and kicking up dust with their Peanuts character dance moves. We waited in the chill zone, staring at the stars. I could feel the mosquitoes biting my legs, frantically trying to squish them while having (what they call) a good time. It didn't take long for me to wonder what in God's name I was doing there. Though I did get in for free, my VIP pass from Virtual Raver Industries (David, that means you) never materialized-not that being a VIP would've done a hell of difference. The promoter forgot to pay the sound guys and they shut of the generators at 1am. They started back up but by then we'd had enough and left.
After getting lost, we retraced our steps eventually getting on road back to Phoenix. I got home at 4:30am, tired, dirty and worn out from my Audio Nighmare.
The only highlight of the night was seeing an actual shooting star, and I made a wish, though I can't say it was for you.
Song of the day: Gorillaz- "Clint Eastwood"
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08.15.01 "it was 20yrs ago today"
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8.15.1981
I was six years old. I remember heading downtown to the Woolworth's that morning. My father bought me a small turtle. I can't even remember it's name now. All I know is it lived in a small fishbowl and ate Saltine cracker crumbs. Obviously I didn't have the slightest idea of what turtle care was and it died a few weeks later. I blamed that horrible store for selling me a defective turtle. But they never returned my money-i think it was the last time i set foot in that place. Why do i remember that day? It was also the day my brother was born. I mostly remember his strange show of generousity-probably brought on by guilt. This after dropping my mom off at the hospital so he could go back to sleep. Yup, just dropped the wife off to have the kid. Nice eh? Anyway, you know you're getting old when your siblings enter their twenties. Now, I feel depression and a headache coming on.
Song of the day: Siouxie & The Banshees- "The Passenger"
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08.14.01 Chewing Charcoal teeth
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Someone once stated that man is a product of his circumstances. That indeed happens to be true. As I write, I’m looking for moving boxes since it appears I will be vacating my current abode for reasons beyond my control. The lease, after all, is in Adam’s name-therefore if he can’t make the rent he gets kicked out. Since I sub-let the place from him, that means I’m out too. Shit.
I'd like to get a place of my own. Some pimpin' stylin' pad, i do know that I'm getting too old to rent. However, buying...let's say a townhouse, would put buying a new car or anything else out of the question. It would be a long term commitment, I'd have to choose it carefully (north scottsdale-in my dreams), take care of it, sort of like a relationship. And you know, if I had a nickel for every "serious" girlfriend I’ve had-I couldn’t buy my way into a pay-toilet.
Song of the day: Frente!- "Labour of Love"
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08.13.01 "X-ing off the days"
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What do you think is better, being bored at work or being bored at home?
Sure, on the one hand you're at home. But at work you're getting paid to be bored. T'was the first day of school today-it's one of those rejuvinating "here-we-go-again" kind of days. Supposed to be anyway. But there I was, wasting my time thinking of tomorrow which I will again waste on thinking about the next day. I know each day is precious. However, it's just hard to follow that Mr Rogers paradigm sitting in your cubicle staring at a blank screen. Like clinging to straws to keep from drowning.
Song of the day: The Smiths- "Bigmouth Strikes Again"
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08.11.01 "Cherry Flavored Night Time"
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I was exhausted and still pissed how the chick at work bailed out on me about going to Depeche Mode. It was a tough week but I had survived it somehow. That elated feeling of freedom didn't prevent the sandman's attack. I fell asleep minutes after my head hit the pillow. Only to awaken, still tired at 8am. One of the side effects of having an early morning job is that your body gets accustomed to it. You feel your brain telling you to get up, even though your body doesn't want to. It's annoying as hell. I also happen to live infront of a yuppie couple who like, or should i say, LOVE, to work on their yard. Cranking up the lawnmower and weedwacker. Why in holy hell do people do yard on Saturday morning? I guess that's like asking why do people drink coffee. Which I didn't do till I started working. Speaking of which, I can hear a Starbuck's caramel Frappucino calling. Laters
Song of the day: Beastie Boys- "No Sleep till Brooklyn"
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08.09.01 must...stay...awake
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It's 4:10pm, and thanks to my roomate, i have already been awake for 14hrs.
Since he doesn't have a morning job anymore, he'll come home from his shift at Headquarters around 1am and decide to watch tv, or play video games till 6am.
Usually, it doesn't bother me, but every now and then he'll put something on that wakes me up. Then I find myself unable to fall asleep-which I hate. I suppose I'm pissy cause it's been a long week traveling to the ends of Scottsdale preparing my schools for the upcoming year. Which, BTW we're not.
And tomorrow will be one of those plastic-smile/hold my breath kind of days. We're meeting with our boss ALL day. Worse yet, we even have to bring food to our own punishment. She must really hate us.
Song of the day: Placebo- "Narcoleptic"
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08.06.01 "Launder my Karma"
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Another Monday. I stare at the school calendar-highlighting paydays and holidays in a vain attempt to make time move faster. Nope, it didn't work. So I return to staring at both my Macs and pilfering office supplies. But I justify it-they didn't pay for it either right? In either case, I did a good deed last night. I can't talk about it because it would dismiss it as bragging. But I'm feeling good about it, and that's more important than any self-congratulatory statement I could make.
Song of the day: Pigeonhead- "Battleflag (remix)"
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08.05.01 "Enjoying the silence"
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I love these lazy sundays when you can wake up at 11am and have nothing planned all day. I think i'll journey to Tempe and see if Zia has anything good. I swear I spend like $40 every time i go there-it's disgusting. They must love me. Adam, along with a caravan of friends, went up north this weekend to celebrate David's 25th b-day and I've been enjoying the solitude. Just me, some cd's, the Dreamcast and the house pests -oops- i mean pets.
Song of the day: Radiohead- "Pearly*"
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08.02.01 "...I always feel like"
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As if by some Orwellian nightmare, Big Brother has invaded my workplace.
I guess it wasn't bad enough to give up my old office at a high school with rich hottie eye-candy. Now, I have to sign in and out everytime I leave the site. WTF? Do I look like a blue collar worker? I wonder how long it will take before I call in sick or take a personal day. All we need now are cameras-maybe it's paranoia. Though I honestly don't know why I'm here. There's nothing to do till school starts in another two weeks. All I've done is read the newspaper, spin my chair in circles (Literally) and rearrange my cubicle. I've also been besieged by hiccup attacks that make people stare at me. Tres embarrassing.
Song of the day: Rockwell- "Somebody's watching Me"
My summer is over. I reported to work at the ungodly hour of 7am-just to find out there was no one there. I didn't do much today, though I did get to daydream every 23¢ I made (that's my wage by the minute.) I also downloaded songs and fixed up my cubicle. Yup-i said CUBICLE. My life is now officially a Dilbert-cartoon.
Song of the day: Marilyn Manson- "The Nobodies"
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07.29.01 life according to me
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So i asked, do you have any food here? "just soda crackers and LSD laced mayonnaise" except, they forgot to mention the LSD part. The night continued, playing Dreamcast demo discs. Feeling unusual and strange as thoughts swirled inside my head. Too strange and too hard to explain. Only enough to say, it made me satisfied with my own (LSD induced) theories on life. I can only control me. No one else. We are here to learn from each other-I can learn from a two year old and from a 90 year old. We spend too much time trying to figure out the meaning of life, and not enough time living it. More importantly, for all it's hardships. life is good.
Song of the day: Moby & Gwen Stefani- "Southside"
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07.26.01 "sugar on the asphalt"
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Pennies. Old ladies pinch them. Rich people throw them away. Babies choke on them. Let us not forget about the one that branded itself to my left thigh after being in the 300° oven that is my car in an uncover parking lot. From the reaches of North Scottsdale to the the depths of South Tempe, I've been to every Mall/Shopping center/tourist attraction in between. Celebrated Grandma's 75th at P.F. Changs., yesterday it was The Arizona Mills. Only two more days left of entertaining. I've spent more money than I wanted to in souvenirs, an ASU hat (Jake Plummer style), and an ambience-creating oil painting. I guess next time I shouldn't forget the change.
Song of the day:(AZ's own) Jimmy Eat World- "Bleed American"
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07.23.01 "lost somewhere in Red Rocks"
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A sore neck, and 505 miles later, I'm back from the Grand Canyon.
It really is the awe inspiring, breath taking site everyone claims it is.
The cosmopolitan place to be if you're in Arizona. There was a Spanish tour bus, a Japanese tour bus, a French family and a German one-amongst the other thousands of Americans there.
The drive back was scenic as we went back the Blair Witchy way passing the cliffs and pine trees on our way back home. You can just feel the life of the forest, all the trees, the rivers, the red rock mountain faces. Especially at dusk, when we reached Sedona. Words can't describe it's picturesque beauty. It's just something you have to see for yourself.
The drive back to Phoenix was boring as usual. Boring desert brush, sand and "detention facilities" with signs warning you not to pick up hitchhikers.
It didn't help that the 'rents were cranking up K-Fossil radio. Still, it's something everyone should do before they die.
Song of the day: Janis Joplin- "Me and Bobby McGee"
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07.21.01 et tu tour-guide?
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I went to Sky Harbor this today. I hate the airport. There's never any parking, it's always full of people-which i suppose is the same thing. Worse of all, it's never me going some place, just me picking up or dropping off somebody. In this case, it was my grandparents. I do love them, it just sucks that I have to pick them up. It is also an interesting place to watch people. You know what I actually saw near their gate? an Amish couple. I shit you NOT! I'm talking bonnet wearing and Abe Lincoln bearded, honest-to-goodness, Amish people. What kind of Amish people takes airplanes? Obviously, not very good Amish folk. Tomorrow it's off to the Grand Canyon. Did I mention were picking up a rental car at 6am! Yeah, well-now you know. I have to go now, time to take the tourists to The Biltmore-which is about as close to Beverly Hills as Phoenix will ever get.
Song of the day: Veruca Salt- "All Hail Me"
The Corrs are on VH-1. God, that is one good looking family/band-even the guy. I think the next time I have a band, we will be named Scottsdale-you know how Chicago is from chicago, and Boston is from boston and Portishead is from portishead? Get it? We will be nowhere as good looking but darker and cooler think of NIN mixed with Smashing Pumpkins.
In other news, I'm feeling vindicated. Yesterday I got a notice from the IRS saying they were giving sending me a check for $300. Sure I paid them $500 but it's better than nothing. Now I can get some decent tires. Yessireebob, no more riding on the radials for me.
Song of the day: U2- "Until the end of the world"
It sprinkled today. For some reason, people always rush to the window when this occurs. Only in Arizona would this happen. People fear it may never rain again.
That's how it is in the desert-it's such a rare event, people here revere it more than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.
Personally rain turns me on. Which is to say, it doesn't happen often or enough. I guess it's better that way. What's the point of being turned on when you're alone?
Song of the day: Utah Saints- "Something Good"
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07.16.01Lucy doesn't love you
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The airing of grievences. It's not just for Festivus anymore.
Pisser #18: Actor's who play the same role in EVERY movie. I'm not just talking about foreigners who can't speak English (Jackie Chan, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger). I'm talking actors/actresses here-for example:
John Cusack (hapless neurotic loser), Julia Roberts (woman everyone loves), Cuba Gooding Jr (overemotional black guy), Jennifer Love Hewitt/Freddy Prize Jr (token hottie/stud), Billy Crystal (Uber Jew), Angelina Jolie (attitude chick).
Why must these "actors" do this? don't they have the skills to play anything else? Well, perhaps they don't.
Song of the day: Ours- "Sometimes"
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07.15.01 Heureux jour de Bastille!
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Last night was interesting, the monsoon season kicked in a microburst last night. Trees (still leaning to the east) were uprooted and tossed onto the street-knocking out power, blocking traffic and giving this part of town an eerie post-apocalyptic look. I was without power last night for three and half hours last night. You can imagine how much that sucked no ac, no tv, nothing. I thought about looting-stoping only after realizing the stores without power were Safeway, Osco drug and the Starbucks.
Song of the day: NIN- "A Warm Place"
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07.13.01 "morning found me laughing"
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It's one of those Friday the 13th's. I've been looking for my Tool ltd-ed LP for the past two days. I can't find it-and it's pissing me off. I don't have a record player to play it in, i just need to find it. It couldn't have gone far-it's got no legs. I get these obessive streaks sometimes especially when i can't find something I'm looking for. It's not here or in my parents house. All I'm finding is dust bunnies and these little ants crawling around the house. Well, if you find it let me know.
Song of the day: REM- "Low"
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07.12.01 "twist up little creatures"
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What to do? I got a page from Christina, my co-worker, telling me about the new position opening up. My boss doesn't want us to apply because she'd be lost without us. Of course, her stingy bitch-ass doesn't want to give us a compesatory raise. Which I don't think it's fair since we do all the work and she gets the credit. Not to mention that these people would be working under us. Now, I could apply for it, work nine instead of 10 months and $6,000 dollars more a year. But it's not as easy as it sounds, I would have to be stationary at a single school tutoring some kid on the five-year program. I could no longer see my friends or coworkers. And most importantly, I would have to give up my big-pimpin', ass kickin' DVD-playing Macintosh Powerbook Laptop. But you're saying I could buy a new one with that money? Not bloody likely, not Mac anyway. I'd have to settle with a ubiquitous Windows clone. Eww, I don't even want to think about that one. Still, it's a lot of money for a lot less work. I'll definitely have to think about it.
Song of the day: Dave Matthews Band- "Say Goodbye"
Morning Entry, how unusual. My eyes keep strugling to focus. I've been up since the crack of dawn to drive to Tempe. Why you ask? Well, I had to get JYL (my car) to get fixed. I can't do it nearby because it's Scottsdale for god sake! They charge an arm and a leg just to look at her. Adam was supposed to hook me up with some motor mounts but he didn't and now i'm going to get raped on parts. Going to car mechanics is like having blind dates. You don't know what you're getting into and you can only hope for the best. Then again, how the hell would i know? I've never been on a blind date. But I digress, presently I'm without a car and fearing how much it's going to cost me. Aren't you glad you're not me?
Song of the day: Alien AntFarm's cover of "Smooth Criminal"
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07.06.01 "overwhelming hostility"
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Cruel Fate, why does thou mock me? I swear, someone must've put a curse on me.
No sooner had I signed the check for my last car payment than it started sounding like shit. What to do, what to do. My usual solution to car noise is to turn up the stereo-but that will only work for so long. I don't really want to put the money in to fix it, but I can't really go out and buy another one either. I guess it just wouldn't be my life without some sort of ironic turmoil to complicate things. Nice eh?
Now, get back to work-your boss isn't paying you to play on the damn computer all day.
Song of the day: A Perfect Circle- "Three Libras"
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07.04.01 "in Tyler we trust"
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"This is your life, and it's ending one second at a time."
I'm bored and tired. Culminating in an apathetic listelessness that can only come from the disilusionment of reality. What am I doing with my life? Here it is slipping away in front of me. There is so much I need to do. I want to write something fantastic -something to make people sit up and take notice. not just of me but of themselves and their lives. Everything is trapped inside my head - I can even hear it sometimes. I want to learn everything there is to learn. But I am so busy trying to decide what to do, that I never do it.
How ironic, Bono is singing that he "still, hasn't found-what he is looking for." I know what he means. I've felt on the outskirts of reality most of the time. Existing as a peripheral to other peoples lives. But to what avail? I can't depend on them for my happiness. Only myself-the only one I owe anything to.
And it's the fourth of july- American flags sway from every porch in the neighborhood. In a breeze meant more to burn your face than to cool you off.
Song of the day: Pixies- "Where is my mind?"
A calmingly boring night without premium cable (i guess those SOB's really mean those "disconection" notices). Unlike last night, when i met fellow 80's children: rox and ang at Polly Esther's. Upset they had moved the lighted dance floor though happy they added a Go-Go Cage, I nursed my drink and watched "Weird Science" while listening to a less-than-stellar music selection.
I'm currently playing 'house' by myself as my roomate has decided to roam the wilds of colorado with some friends. Scouting for land to build a militia compound *oops*, i mean, hippie commune. All in which they can live at peace with nature. Off the grid, growing their own food and other "crops." It's a novel concept and i give them credit for following their dreams.
Song of the day: The Centaurians- "Bullwinkle Part II"
Lately I've been addicted to the Discovery Chanel. Discovery Science to be exact, my roomate and i stay up on a nightly basis and learn about the world we live in. The other night, they were talking about the universe. How our sun is part of a billion stars inside a galaxy. A galaxy admist a trillon other galaxy's in this universerse. My finite mind cannot comprehend something so vast. What are we? Nothing really, but little microbes or atomic size particles inside the bigger picture. Needless to say, it makes you feel very insignificant. Maybe the living breathing consciousness of the cosmos-or whatever it takes to keep us happy.
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06.25.01 Cloudy day Philosophy
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So I finally did something productive, or at least intellectual. I reread Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis, which i hadn't picked up since my freshman year in college. It renewed my appreciation of the strange and unique perspective each of us has of this world. When i was younger, i was fascinated with the thought that maybe i was insane and didn't even know it, because my entire interaction with the world would be filtered through my insanity and would seem to make sense to me, the insane person. Later that sort of got transferred to the classic cartesian dilemma - what if everything i think is real is not, in fact, real. how can you determine what is true and what is false? Descartes used the example of an evil demon making you believe only in lies, but it could be anything - The Matrix's premise is another example. Maybe we are all asleep and "dreaming" this reality. How could we know? well, at least my world hasn't turned me into a bug.
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06.21.01 like the monsoon season.
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I always get nostalgic during the summer solstice. A rememberance for times that were and moments that have gone by. It's inevitable really, at least until better times come. Aren't we all? Just waiting for laughter to laminate previous laughter. For memories to become future anecdotes in the pages of our life.
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06.20.01 Thus spoke Zarathustra
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Ok, so it's been a week since I went on vacation. What have i done? ask me, go ahead ask me? that's right, nothing. Not a god damned thing. I mean, i've slept in, gone cd shopping, watched sucky movies and played Mario Kart with my siblings. But not much else.
What's worse, is that I'm always complaining that i don't write/do enough because i never have extra time. Now that I do, i'm still not accomplishing enough. I've run out of excuses. It really sucks to know you have only yourself to blame.
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06.15.01 random, yet disturbing
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Do you ever feel like Rip Van Winkle? Like you've been sleeping for years and awaken to find that life is passing you by? I've been feeling that way lately.
My conscience, that's to say the angel on my shoulder has been folding his arms (all Mr. Rogers like) and shooting me dirty looks. The ever present "you should know better" rings in my ear. Yes, I should know or at least do more. Easier, said than done. That's not really an excuse, but it's all the devil on my other shoulder is saying.
This is the best time, the time right after work and before more work.
This morning I bought some bagels and took them to the retirement of some district people. At lunch, I had a "retirement" lunch for yet someone else, and then I went home early. Even though I haven't done anything since last week, I really needed to get out of there. Oh, happy days are here again-WooHoo! I feel dancing or singing like a Disney movie. somewhat actually like Bozo the clown, except Billy Corgan isn't playing at my retirement. Either way, I'm sure this summer will go by quick. For the time being, however, life is good.
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06.12.01 counting down the days
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I stink of cigarrettes and old people, in short-i smell of Denny's.
What the hell was I doing there you ask? Well, it seems that joint is my coworker's, Elsa and Nitty's favorite place to eat. I was more tired than hungry so I just went there to waste time since I have absolutely nothing left to do (Thank God). Tomorrow, i'll show up, late again-but this time with a dozen bagels-waste more time and go home for summer break. This is what I've looked forward since the beginning of the year. My respite is near and that's all I care about.
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06.08.01 Save the drama...
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It seems a lot of people are having relationship problems. More of a lack-of-relationship problems. Girls especially, it seems the more desperate they are, the less they can succeed. Not to say it's only a female problem but they express it much more than men do. Their ilk just neglect to see the unforseen problems a relationship would cause. My co-worker for example, is just that kind of girl.
I can't believe some of the things she's done in the name of love or lust or just plain, loneliness. I almost feel bad for her, even though she creates her own problems. She's kind that can't seem to think of anything but the "perfect man". As if there was such a thing.
You can find bliss in the simplest of actions. The little things in life bring the most happiness. Just eating Rice Crispies with chopped strawberries-while reading my new limited edition Radiohead Amnesiac CD. I must also give some props to my sister's b/f Andy for taking the time to drive to the ghetto superstore ZIA for it.
Most people associate innocence with naiveté. Conventional wisdom regards it as
belonging to children and fools who lack the intelligence and experience to know the tough truths about life. Like the saying, it's never the wolf you see,that you should worry about, it's the one you don't. Especially when life is going well. You know the bomb is going to drop sooner or later. A calm before the storm, whatever it may be, relationships, job, life, etc. It's an eerie calmness that both lures and traps.
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05.30.01 ubiquitous epiphany
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more often than not, I find that I complain a lot about a lot of things.
I can rationalize most everything, at least enough to let me sleep at night.
I have found most of my whining unsubstatial. Life is too short for complaining or worrying over what may or may NOT happen. I can't tell you the times i've trivialized over the small things while ignoring all of the things I'm lucky to have. I'm not here to preach it as gospel, just look around.
Enjoy this moment, this instance that you are granted life to simply experience.
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05.28.01 yeah, yeah-i know
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Any day I stay home from work feels like sunday to me. Of course it's better than working-which i'm still forced to do for at least another three weeks. This weekend found me heading to the hated West-side for my boss' end of the year party. Being the youngest adult there, I really cannot stand those 'adult soiree's' but I went anyway to make an appearance. I stayed longer than I wanted to, making small talk and bullshitting as per usual. For a while there i thought of heading to the house over the yard. They had raibow colored strobe lights and a Pokemon moonwalker. I finally left and sped my way home, a gloriously empty and quiet house seeing as how my roomated headed down to tucson for the memorial day weekend. I do remember telling myself there has to be a better way to spend my saturday night.
Oh how quickly one forgets what 107F feels like. You forget the sun burns, the rashes and the heat strokes. I think i have my keys branded on my hand.
Even worse is the knowledge that summer has just started and it's just going to get hotter. This reminds me of that movie Dune but without the giant sand worms. I know this is Arizona, but god damn, where did spring go?
I've been slacking. I can't even tell you in what area because it really is in ALL areas. I haven't been emailing or calling people back. and i really don't have any excuses for, nor feel the need to be lectured to about it. I'm just tired and burnt out. My car is falling apart, first the cooling fan now the rearview mirror just plopped down from the windshield. It's been a shitty past two weeks.
I've been spending time absorbed in me. Some might say "too much" time. But why the hell not? no one else does.
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05.18.01 just like any other day
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Twenty-Six. If you haven't passed it, you're there or will be sooner than you think. Unfortunately it's on the wrong side of the twenties-scale.
Still, it was easier than the big TWO-FIVE. Age is a truly psychological thing, but the perfectionist in me can't help but think that I should've accomplished more by now. Though I am grateful of the things I have in my life.
Yeah, it's usually on my birthday when I start thinking in today-is-the-first-day-of-the-rest-of-my-life terms. For at least while. It'll hit me once again around new year's eve.
And so I write this, in the middle of lunch at Chaparral High School. Which reminds me, when the hell am I doing at work?
I'm off like a prom dress.
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05.16.01 "Before these crowded streets"
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You just never appreciate air conditioning till you're driving 20miles away to the west-side in rush hour traffic trying to get to a Dave Matthews Band concert. I sweltered in my seat as my shirt clinged to me. I burned my hands on my steering wheeled and sweated like Oprah at a barbecue. I was sure my car would overheat before we got there and damn if it didn't get near. Nevertheless, my brother and I finally reached Desert Sky Pavillion. After paying five bucks to park on dirt, we walked towards the venue. Everyone there seemed like ants heading for the ant-hill.
After a what seemed forever, the band took the stage.
Starting with One Sweet World, they followed by I did it, If i had it all.
An ultra-rare performance of Big Eyed Fish. Bartender, What would you say, A long Jimi thing performance seguing into When the world ends.
So Right, What You Are, followed by another long ass jam of #41.
Sleep to dream her, Grace is Gone, JTR and closing Tripping Billies. The encore was Dave playing a Phish cover of Waste your Time and closing with All along the Watchtower.
Overall, it wasn't a bad show, but it could definitely have been better. But since i didn't pay for it, it wasn't bad. However, speaking of rip-off's don't buy the new Weezer CD. I mean common Rivers! you made me pay 12 bucks for 28min of music? You couldn't come up with more than that in the last five years? Tool on the other hand gives you 79min for the same price.
My last week of my 25th year started last night with a page from my boss.
Quite basically, the teacher's sick of the low pay will be on "sick out."
Translation: report tomorrow morning at yavapai elementary to TEACH.
Yeah, so i found myself teaching a class of third graders for what seemed the longest day of my life. I spent the day with one eye on the clock and another on those little 8yr old hoodlums. Even though I support the teacher's I really have a new found appreciation for the kind of crap teacher's put up with.
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05.12.01 "Pain is ready, Pain is waiting"
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Typical morning, I had a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal, I Plaxed/washed/Listerined my teeth, and shaved. Except it's 8:50am on a Saturday morning and I should be sound asleep. So why am i awake? Because my lovely car has decided to overheat.
Among the things that piss me off the most is car trouble. I have to take it to a shop or spend the rest of this 105+ degree week without AC. So of course, I drove my ass down there just to be told they were busy till monday.
I have Sutter's wedding to go to later today, 20 miles away in Cave Creek! I might ad. My brother is coming home tomorrow and we have the DMB show on tuesday. Another twenty miles in the polar-opposite, ghetto Westside.
Not to mention my daily trips to north scottsdale. Shit, that's a lot of driving without air conditioning. Anyway, stay toastie-I know I will.
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05.08.01 "Fuck da Po-lice!"
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Ice Cube's words never sounded truer. I was sitting in my car, minding my own.
When a god damned pig pulls up behind me to ask what I'm doing there.
I told them I was waiting to pick up my mom and that bastard wants to see my licence. He even has the audacity to ask if I had any "drugs or weapons" in my car. Number one, I'd never carry that in my car and Two, if I did I'd never tell that shit-for-brains anyway. So he goes to "check it out" while I steam in my car. Of course, that balding piece of shit didn't find anything and just told me to have a nice day. Fuckers. Please, if you have the means-shoot a cop in the face for me. Thank you.
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05.07.01 "neon shines through smoky eyes"
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I'm having a lot of flashbacks lately. I looked at my old Class of '93picture at my old high school. Then I went to Hopi and saw all the people I knew from the class of '87. Sunday I stopped at the SubWay on sunday and I saw this girl Lisa, I went to e/m/h school with. She was carrying what I can only assume was her daughter. We didn't exchange words, but it was just strange to see someone I knew with a child. Sure probably every girl i knew now has one or two brats. Still, it strikes me as odd when I still feel like a kid.
I thank God and all His infinite wisdom that I wasn't born female. Can you imagine? I'll be 26 in a couple of weeks and I've never had a long term (talking several years here) relationship. That would be a call to suicide if i was a chick. And I would interrogate my self with the ever-popular What the Hell is wrong with Me!" routine.
Even more-so.
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05.05.01 "on a lonely undertow"
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My neverending quest to relive the glory of times past continues. I procured some old high school yearbooks from an old english teacher of mine. They even
*smell* "classic. It's that time of the year though, classes are winding down and summer is calling. Almost if it's going too fast. But how can that be you ask? Well, it's almost like being caught in a wave, you want to enjoy the upcoming break but you can't neglect the sea of responsibilities. All of which are dragging me down. My brother is coming a week from sunday. I have Sutter's wedding to go to a week from today-which means getting my hawaiian outfit together and buying a present. Though I was invited to her bachelorette party...to dance that is.
You know, sometimes you can't feel good about yourself unless someone else feels bad. Even if you're not the one making them feel bad. So today, we had another lovely dept meeting. My co-worker Elsa and I went to Long Wongs to pick up $110 worth of chicken wings. T'was then that the guy behind the counter inquired if I was her son. Boy, i couldn't hear the end of *that* one. She became enraged and argued the whole way back over that guy's audacity. She, inevitably felt old, and I felt young. Especially when I answered, "not really, just my sugar-mama."
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05.01.01 "Weapon of Choice"
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There's a video on VH-1 that I cannot turn away from. It's a Fat Boy Slim video featuring that creepy mofo Christopher Walken dancing around in an empty hotel lobby. I sit there mesmerized by the juxtaposition of horror and beauty it inspires.
Selling out-It's not just for celebrities who make Japanese commercials.
Don't you hate to see celebrities who've lost every ounce of their dignity and integrity as artist? (and don't give me any of that Britney Spears/Pepsi bullshit, cause we know she never had dignity!)
What the hell is up with Sting first he was in Jaguar commercials, then the superbowl, then the grammy's now Alley McBeal? Is he really that hard up for cash?
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04.29.01 Milk Gallons & Pomegranates
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I had my annual evaluation with my boss on friday. She stated I had the "unique ability to develop positive relationships and communicate with colleagues." In other words, I can feign interest and act like i care with the best of them. Even though I was asked to prom by a DMHS girlie, the year is wearing on me. Only, a month and a half before I leave for summer break. Ahh, I'm looking forward to it, like Robert Downey Jr is looking forward to getting out of jail.
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04.24.01 "Lips like Cinderella"
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Some people are born with talent. For example, my brother can tell you any
Dave Matthews Band song by merely reading a line or two of lyrics.
I on the other hand, don't have skills like that. I don't even have the skill to break down a door. Which would've come in handy as I've locked myself out my room. Yet Again.
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04.21.01 i'm too sexy for this post
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I'm back from Tucson, 37 hours 50min without sleep. After miles and miles of desert your mind starts to play tricks on you. Probably, and shamely because i'm hungover. Which i must repeat I don't do more than once or twice a year (and you shouldn't either).
So last night I get there and turn on Grant street. It was 5pm, being an outtatowner I was not prepared for what they call the "suicide" lane. Which means, those crazy, bad driving, mofo's use the TURNING lane as a fast lane.
Tres Scary.
I eventually reached Roxanne's place. What I won't do for a present from merry ol' England. She gave a very cool London Underground "mind the gap" t-shirt while showing me pics from her vacation. We left for dinner heading towards the UofA speeding down the properly named Speedway rd's eventually getting to University. Which is sort of their version of ASU's Mill Ave.
After buying the promised shot-glass for my brother, we decided to dine at the Gentle Ben's brewery. The place where the debauchery started, with a simple raspberry ale. Next it was back to Roxanne's for additional vodka/tonic's.
Two of her friend's Ang and someone who wasn't very talkative joined the party.
After some 'getting ready' music it was 10:30pm and time to go out to DV8.
A happening club nearby, lots of alternative and 80s remixed tunes.
More drinking followed but not before I donned Rox's Dennis Rodman/RuPaul inspired feathered coat. Roxy said i looked like a supermodel. I say I resembled Dennis Rodman's albino cousin. It's all a jumble of tunes, lights and anime.
I was so inebriated, I *actually* danced! And no-less to NIN's Closer and Garbage's "#1 Crush". Eventually the club closed and we staggered back home.
The night didn't end there as we argued 80's television shows while deciding at 2am that we were too drunk and way too pretty to not to capture the moment. BTW: i am *not* wearing lipstick or makeup of any kind.
"...My name is Tyler Durden"
"I'm too sexy for this shot..."
ahh, the blurred memories.
The bags are packed, the car is gassed and the time is ticking.
Like Jack Keroac, Hunter S. Thompson and Willie Nelson, I'm going on the road.
Not to Vegas or some middle of the road biker bar but to the riot-torn streets of Tucson. I'm hoping it'll be like a chili peppers video, i hope. Just cruising through the desert, playing some tunes, along-side some truckers on speed.
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04.18.01 red, white-trash & blue
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There's a kid with a mullet running for StuGo. His campaign motto is "for those who know it's business in the front, and a party in the back."
Why is this white-trash infiltration occuring? I thought it was a Clinton-era thing. From Joe Dirt to Kid Rock. It's not just Schlitz drinking Nascar watchers and wrestling (nay, wrasslin') fans. there's militia style trucks proudly displying a sign that reads: REDNECK or confedarate flags that would've made the Dukes of Hazzard proud. What the hell is happening here? BTW: mullet-kid won.
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04.15.01 "Count to three & pray"
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I remember those Easter mornings when we'd all put on our brand new, itchy church clothes and head to the morning service. Certainly not as fun as Christmas. Easter is a holiday for the truly devoted. For the rest of us it's simply a day when everything is closed and there's nothing to watch on tv except for The Ten Commandments" or "Ben Hur." How many plastic grass filled wicker baskets stuffed with day-glow marshmellow bunnies, cadburry eggs and jelly beans can one possibly eat?
Don't answer that.
It's nice when you don't have to get up for work. It's good when you can stay home in a warm bed and avoid what everyone else is going through.
It's great when you can stay in your boxers, listening to music and finding time to write. And it's simply beautiful when you're still getting peaid for it.
It really *is* a good friday.
I laid my clothes out on the bed. Putting my pinky ring aus deutschland that David gave me and Guess watch (both with plenty of ). My Abercrombie-Fitch gear on, my calvin klein pants and 8-hole Doc Martens. To top it all off, my DKNY saphire blue, Pimp coat. God, it's so extravagant. Like something puff daddy would wear. It simply screams Look At ME! I wear that thing and it makes me want to slap somebody.
I walked outside on this lovely rainy day. Ahh, ever feel like there should be BeeGee's music in the background every time you walk?
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04.08.01 "Tea's gone cold again"
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I was just informed that today is "palm sunday". hmm, i just know that next week is easter-simply because it's a day off work. *yay* A time to give shell covered chicken embryos. I think wednesday is also a half day, if my boss doesn't decide to have a meeting. YET AGAIN.
But what do i know?
I'm just not aware of the passing of time anymore. I've been without a watch for over a week now. My Emily Strange watch wasn't delivered yet cause no one was home to sign for it. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll get it. She's like the coolest cartoon girl ever, if she was real. I'd date her in a second.
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04.02.01 Satanic Mascots et al.
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I've never (wanted to) fit in. I could care less the older I get. I proved that today by wearing a Duke University shirt when the home-state Arizona Wildcats are playing them tonight for the NCAA basketball championship. And why not? Afterall, I've been a fan of Duke baskeball for about a decade. I also went to Arizona State. Which means, it's practically against my religion to cheer for the Uof A. Not to mention the satanic implications of Sun Devils and Blue Devils. Besides pissing people off sometimes has a way of making your day worth while.
Damn! I think the Toothfairy found out about my Chiclets scam. Therefore, I'm watching my finances which are diminishing faster than Leonardo DiCaprio's fame.
Because, The Man insists that I pay them tax money.
I'm currently eating breakfast at the Costco "try it" booths.
Taking several "single-serving" cups of whatever they have in order to feed my broke ass.
Quite sad really, but not enough to stop me from buying australian Placebo imports. Gotta choose the priorities ya know?
It's rare when you make a difference in someone else's life. Nevertheless, it's one of the most satisfying experiences one can do as a human being. Today I spoke with a high school girl who had the usual 'unrequited love' dilemas with her boy of interest. I could empathize and relate to her like few others. More than anything, i truly felt her pain. Afterall, you can't understand heartache unless you've been through it yourself. All I had to offer was 25 years of life, pain and experience. That seemed to be enough to lessen her pain.
Since, i believe we're all here to learn from each other.
By telling her my mistakes hopefully she won't repeat them.
however small, that made a difference.
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03.27.01 cookie full of arsenic
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I'm tired. I have been for a while now. I don't really think i'm getting enough sleep at night. My job is getting to me, even though i try not to take anything personally. Of course, it could just be 'life' itself getting to me. While finishing my taxes, i noticed that not only do i owe the feds $501, the state wants $299. To remind me once again, no matter how bad life is-it can always get worse.
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03.25.01 "pissing the night away"
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The smell of citrus blossoms is in the air. Spring is here again-another check of time to remind us it waits for no man. It's already feeling like summer without the beauty of being out of school. I haven't really done much this year. As compared to last year. That, my friends, unnerves me to no end! Today is the first day of the rest of my life, or so I tell myself every few months. Yet somehow I still manage to piss my time away. Knowing, full well that I have no one to blame but myself.
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03.21.01 perfectionist guilt
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I'm currently freezing in this classroom though outside it's nearing 90. Yes, I can never be satisfied. It's a sickness, i know. Afterall, in these stressful times, I should take the time to appreciate the little things in life. Like being mistakened for a high school student (always a favorite). But then, i wouldn't have anything to complain about. Then what would you be reading? Now, I must leave to thaw.
The luck of the Irish is definitely not with me.
Yes, it's time once again to vent my grievances against the world. While brushing my teeth this morning, my toothbrush fell into the toilet. Yesterday I went to the store and bought some strawberry ice cream, and i couldn't find it when i got home. So i thought they forgot to put it in. Of course, this morning there was a pink puddle under my car seat.
To top that off, I found out the IRS wants me to pay $502 in taxes! What the hell is that all about? That's my money god-dammit!!!
Needless to say I'm PISSED, I thought I was getting a refund like last year. Now I'll have to borrow money from my mom to pay for tax bullshit.
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03.14.01 "Essence of the Day"
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The smallest compliment can sometimes give you the biggest thrill. Take for instance being told you don't look as old as you are. AHH! something that can't help but bring a smile (be it a small one) to my face. I also read something that caught my interest that needs to be shared:
This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you wish. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever; in its place will be something you left behind, let it be something GOOD.
Monday always hits like a trucker on speed. Even with the alarm blasting Beautiful People getting out of bed hasn't seemed that difficult in a while. The break was bitterly short, and I've already been at four schools and had a meeting with a parent. So here I find myself now: writing, working, downloading songs and staring at the clock with a longing that should only be reserved for a lover. Kinda sad really.
woe is me, tis friday and vacation is over. sigh...
I've grown spoiled by working for a school district
yes, yes. But dammit I deserved this break. February was a horrible and expensive month for me. Of course now that it's over, I must once again journey forward searching for the next extended weekend or holiday. Such is life I suppose.
Today's word is ambience what has it and where can you find it?
It's always surprising to see the events that a simple action may take. While it may seem unimportant now, the consequences it might yield could forever change your life.
From finding an answer, to winning the lottery or finding the love of your life.
It's a reason to get up in the morning. You never know what or who tomorrow may bring. It makes life an adventure.
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03.05.01 "slave to the wage"
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Spring Break is here. At least for me and a few thousand other students. Ahh, the perks of district life, while the rest of 'society' is slaving away, I'm waking up at 9am and wondering what to do with my time. However, vacations are like a time warp. The next thing you know it's noon, then lunch and dinner. It seems like that's the only way to tell what time it is. Soon enough your day is gone and you wonder where the last three hours went. It's worse when you awake to find the week has gone by and you have work the next week. ugh!
It happens every march, I get accosted on my way to the corner Safeway by miniature gangsta's wearing green embroided sashes. The terrible cookie-mafia had struck again. Using their cute little faces to suck three dollars off my wallet for one lousy box of macaroon cookies. I'm only human though, who can i blame? Other than the cookie mafia of course.
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02.28.01 "rider on the storm"
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The rain pitter-patters, the cars splash water off the wet roads. I love rainy days, they add such ambience to everyday existence. The only thing tonight needs is someone special to drink a nice glass of red wine with (all in due time, i suppose). Rain makes me think of a Parisian Cafe for some reason, even though I've never been there. It reminds me of poetry and unsent letters. And as I sit here listening to Jane's Addiction with only you, my words, to keep me company. I am reminded of renewal.
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02.27.01 "the space between us"
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Kissing the joy as it flies by is the only way to live.
For life is unfair, and life doesn't care about your problems or kiss your boo-boo's. Yet amidst all of that, you sometimes have to see the beauty in life. And take the pleasure in the moment you are living. That's actually the hardest part of all.
Things can always be worse, and somehow I'm sure that's true. Which is to say, I'm luckier than most in that respect. I mean sometimes things just don't work out.
What boosted your ego one day, can shoot it down the next.
So we have to enjoy each ephemeral moment as it passes.
The beauty of life is it's uncertainty. You never know what tomorrow may bring, be it good or bad. it makes life interesting.
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02.21.01 "...and yes, i'm still running"
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No matter how awful the reality, at some point the truth is better than self-dillusion. You may want to postpone the enevitable but sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. It will always be a hurtful realization but better to deal with the problems while they're present than letting them snowball into something even more painful.
I'm looking for answers i can't seem to find and no one i ask wilI tell me. I guess the ends never justify the means.
Hmm? what's pissing me off today? Well, my job tends to be the most aggravating part of my daily existence. I am so not looking forward to that damn conference.
It's a strange friday. Maybe it's the paint i'm sniffing from all the student art I've been collecting. Amongst other pointless findings Isaw the KrispyKreme-mobile, a white/green poka-dotted Plymouth PT Cruiser as well as the RedBull Mobile. Right now the TV is talking about an air-raid against Iraq while students speak in muffled tones as if they actually cared.
My head is filling up with unimportant vignettes all fitting File 22. At my job, whenever we get something we don't want we put it in File 22, otherwise known as the garbage can. Enjoy the weekend.
It's a beautiful stormy day, the kind that makes you want snuggle up with someone special and just watch the rain come down. Of course, it never fails, the dreaded V-day is here. The one that other's speak of as if it were the second-coming. Indeed this day brings out the sadistic evilness in people. Along with their candy and roses, they remind you (by which i mean 'me') that they're happy and "in love" while you're a dateless loser indulging in Heart shaped candy with the words Eat Me on them. Not that I'm taking any of it personally, I'm used to it-such is life. I'm just sick of looking at couples. Of course I'm not helping my situation by reading poetry by Rumi. Yes, *rolls his eyes* there is always tomorrow, if you can manage not to shoot someone till then.
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02.12.01 Skewer of Dreams
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I don't care how good your job is, there comes a time
when you stop caring. You stop putting cologne on.
You stop tucking in your shirt, hell you stop ironing it.
Especially when your boss volunteers you to work on sunday afternoon and President's Day monday. As if you can't tell by now, i'm pissed! But that's rarely news.
Everyone is getting on my nerves-even more than usual.
I'm constantly exhausted and I never have any free-time.
The rare occasions when I do tend to get sabotaged by
responsibilities.
"I am Jack's unhappy conscious."
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02.08.01 "anyone?, anyone?"
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Strangely enough the metallic taste of blood in my mouth has me thinking about Valentine's Day. That most dreaded of Hallmark Holidays. As I forgo the ability to notice all those kissy face couples holding hands at Fashion Square, I begin to wonder: Just what is the philosophical definition of the "Heart"? And i don't mean the pepto-bismol tasting candies shaped like it either.
Is The Heart as subjective as faith, indeed as subjective as philosophy itself. Can anyone answer me?
Science has analyzed life and death to...well death.
Whatever neurons that are firing, whatever DNA cells have make our genetic puzzle-scientists seemed to have found the secret recipe for "life". Still there is something missing.
Whether a *soul* exists or not, there is no denying we are more than the sum of our parts. So what makes us who/what we are? It's an impossible answer to ask, yet i bother asking it if only to fill my time and waste yours.
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02.05.01 "Drag me to distraction"
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I'm not feeling motivated, it's just another monday.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me and we all pretend we're satisfied. Somehow days just seem to blend into each other. No beginning, no end, they just drift and meander into weeks, then months. Forgettable, for the most part, except for the lovely minutae that seems to give me a kick in the ass every now and again. "It's just life", I have to remind myself. Everyone goes through the horrors of bills, responsibilities and dental visits. This can't last forever, right?
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02.02.01 Tipping the velvet
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"I might have been Narcissus, embracing the pond in which I was about to drown"
-Sarah Waters-
Lost in thought, I sometimes appear paralized like a deer in the headlights. It seems, a place for me to dream.
Both the good and the bad, the heartache, sorrow and blissful experiences that make life worth living.
So many things can happen in a year. Not other's are oblivious to change, but they don't talk (i.e. bitch) about it. T'was actually a year since I last spoke to Kim.
When we each said our peace and the "good-bye" was more acknowleged than said.
I had the displeasure of staying till 5:30pm at work. Sure, that's what "regular" people do, but not me. I'm not used to that, not to mention organize, collect and present food for a meeting. Either way, I did a good job as the other teacher's seemed impressed by our offerings. And I still have to do my job and prepare for all the arising bullshit thereof. It's draining even though I'm not taking *anything* personally anymore.
I feel like the story of the Dutch boy plugging the holes in the dike with his fingers. Every time he plugs a hole, another springs open. And he's rapidly running out of fingers. So I'll keep doing it, till I run out of fingers or drown in the process.
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01.29.01 like a coming train
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I wake up to the sounds of an alarm clock and stare at monday's oblivion. Lying on my bed staring at the ceiling.
my throat's still sore from whatever plague it is that i had, though all my other symptoms are gone. Not that you care of course, it's just that I'm not often sick and not usually this long. coughing feels like I'm dislodging no negligable quantity of internal miscellany. substances that the human body should just not be capable of producing are entirely too abundant in my bronchii.
Perhaps it's monday, but i'm in kind of a bleh mood today. i'm not particularly thrilled to be at work, and people are getting on my nerves more than usual. i've definitely had worse days, but i'm not exactly perky this morning to say the least. although i suppose i'm rarely what you'd call perky, so there.
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01.25.01 "Hubcap Diamond Star Halo"
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"I survived a root-canal" so says the purple shirt with the smiling teeth the endodontist gave me. Oh yes, yes-it's been a beautiful week. First being sick and being drilled for an hour and a half. A numb mouth and $686.25 later-it is over. Don't you wish you were me? of course you do.
In the end, it is what it is. Past the illness, past the root canals, past the bills and responsibilites. In it's ugliness, and remnants of beauty-life is all you have. At least I got a t-shirt right?
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01.24.01 better living thru chemistry
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I'm home resting, not because it's chinese new year (which i was informed of this morning even though i'm not chinese).
But, because I'm sick. *cough, cough-snort, snort*
I had roughly three hr's of sleep last night, either coughing or choking on my own phlegm *gasping for air* .
I hate being sick, right now I'm on 800mg's of generic Motrin, Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine and penicillin.
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01.20.01 "dude, where's my car?"
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What do you get when you get 30 drunken people, free drinks and a 50yr old birthday boy? you get Sutter's surprise party. Seeing as how I never turn down a written invitation, I made my way up north after stopping to pick up some raspberry stoli. No date, 50min and 24miles later, I reached my destination. A maze of gated-community homes welcomed me. Finally finding the house by the cars outside of it. I entered the only home with a digital tv set I've ever been to. Located next to the black jack and craps tables.
The food servers and bartenders, a lot of old people and two 10yr old girls with walkie talkies acting as jacket-takers.
We waited and yelled "Surprise John!" like some kind of tv-show. A man who is sometimes referred to as the "Master-Baster."
It was an interesting evening, even though half the time I just sat and nursed my drink. Hmm, isn't that what I always do at parties? But I fitted into this one-even less than usual.
A strange, though catered affair reminding me that the rich do indeed have it better. I bid my farewells and returned to my car, amazingly finding it with absolutely no street lights of any kind. I headed home with only a star studded desert sky and Radiohead's The Bends to keep me company.
And sometimes, that's all one needs.
Insanity keeps me sane. Something has to.
For today i had to go to the dentist. After checking my teeth. the "estimate" not including "specialists" is roughly $650.
god-damn, that's a lot of money-but what can i do? it's either that or let my teeth rot like an alamaba country boy.
Perhaps, I should encrust my teeth with platinum and gold for that, rapper/thug bling-bling look. Like a MTV-TRL regular. And much like NYC, it's also been freezing the last two days. yesterday the high was 48 and rainy. today t'was around 52 (which, i'm sure, is considered a warm day in other parts of the country).
And this is supposed to be Arizona, tonight it will actually get colder than NY. But what the hell, I've just been prescribed
penicillin and 800MG tablets of Motrin. Better living thru chemistry, right?
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01.15.01 "as an angel runs to ground"
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One of the few perks I have are days off.
Holidays, both religious and secular, the way students have them. Indeed an advantage, as I checked my email to discover one from Kathy. She was also online-for joy!
It's a reassurance, even though months may pass, it renews my faith in fate. A soothing pause to the seemingly impossible reality of reality. Sometimes, I'll take peace of mind-wherever i can find it. Still, knocking on wood till my fingers bleed.
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01.12.01 questions, questions
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a gorgeous rainy day-the kind of day that would go unnoticed, or worse yet-dreaded, in the pacific northwest.
either way, it is *not* the kind of day when you want to work.
which is were i found myself at the ungodly hour of 7:50am at DMHS.
Of course, Karen was late so I waited outside her classroom with 15other punks waiting to take their finals.
"it was going to be one of *those* days" i thought to myself.
anyway, to repay my mission of kindness. She treated me to lunch and invited me to her fiance's 50th birthday a week from tomorrow. she's just crazy so it should be a pretty cool event. of course, i don't have a date but i'm used to it.
Then she asked point-blank, "so, what are you looking for?" I thought for a minute then honestly answered "i don't know, but i will when i find it."
and now it's your turn.
What are YOU looking for?
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01.10.01 shh, he's sleeping
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I wake my bleary eyes at the sound of an alarm.
I am dead tired-i don't think i get enough sleep.
judging by the last few days...most would have gone mad and attempted several bouts of suicidal mania..but oh no not me i have stuck it out....blisters, bruises n' all.
gibbering away to myself...in some mindless fashion not seen since King Lear's pityful downfall. And its been like that ever since...
Work completely sucks. too bad i can't win the lottery or something. it goes like clockwork. every morning till the weekend. Even that has it's own, different but unchanging routine. yeah, i know, i need a life. God, I can't even remember the last time I had sex.
well, life goes on and i need to sleep.
yours insanely,
Lord A
p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s p.s.....i had a p.s but i forgot, damn, buggery, bollox!
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01.07.01 the gray side of the street
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There's a strange old couple at the end of my street.
During the week the old man sits in the front porch.
Watching the traffic go by-at one car an hour. Often giving me a dirty look if I go over the "suggested" speed limit.
Another one of their "neighborhood trademarks" is having a yard sale every weekend morning.
The same crap every week. The same things that didn't sell then are supposed to catch the eye of some poor loser this time around. God, I would hate to end up like that. What's the point of getting up? to sit down in your pajamas and watch cars???
The day back from work was hellish. I can't believe they made us work the day after New Year's. I think I need a vacation from my vacation. I'm just now getting back into the routine. "Every cloud is grey, with dreams of yesterday." But there's no point in bitching. T'was a crazy weekend and i'm still feeling the effects. I doesn't "feel" like thursday. Monday didn't "feel" like the New Year, it "felt" sunday. I'm not sure why some days "feel" like they do. They just do.
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01.01.01 Here we go again
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The night will melt into another year. Culminating into one night, unlike other nights, if only symbolically, soon to vanish like a trace of lipstick or morning fog. With only confetti and empty bottles to remember it.
It's a shame that we never appreciate the preciousness of time till it's too late. We won't think of the calendar till the next New Year's Eve when we will all wonder where the year went.
May I suggest to not let life go unnoticed? To take each moment as it comes. Maybe I'm just feeling a new appreciation after watching Finding Forrester. Perhaps I just don't want to wait another 364 days to say, "this year flew by."
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