• laura's face (the crown jewel of my sexual conquests)
• val's personality
• renee's body

1. invent a pill that makes you forget those annoying songs that get stuck in you head. anyone say mmmbop? not anymore .
2. buy beer for underage kids at $10.00 a six-pack.
3. rent my place to horny teenagers (downside, cleaning up).
   
4. go to the park,steal dogs, and hold them for ransom.
well if that doesn't get me money, i suppose there's always a ugh real job.

"The is the end, beautiful friend
this is the end, my only friend the end
Of everything that stands, the end
Of our elavorate plans, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again"

i dreamed a dream in time gone by
when hope was high and life worth living
i dreamed that love would never die
i dreamed that God would be forgiving...

a child's prayer
a mother's kiss
the force that drives us everyday
love means never having to say you're sorry
love is hard and undigestible
love is for the lucky and the strong
love is more than a Hallmark card
love is painful, love is beautiful
love is that which i will never have but always hope for...

"...it's a nice day, to start again..."

"it's better to try and fail, than do nothing and succeed

all the work for the past half-hour has been erased by this piece of shit browser and a tempermental computer. i guess it doesn't matter, nothing matters.
no one listens to words anyhow
only tone and reflection.
it all equates to what you'd like to hear. subjective and meaningless
all that's important is today. Tomorrow doesn't matter, it doesn't even exist.

7-14-98 Building Sandcastles in the sky

i'm wondering at those thoughts
that which she said in that letter, it has validity. yet even she has said, "expectations are just dissappointments waiting to happen".
once again a toss-up.
if only life were easier or if it had roadmaps to tell you where to go instead of following a blind heart and ending up lost amongst pain and confusion in the land of loneliness.
i don't know who's getting more tired, me or everyone else of hearing me complain. I've got to find a better reason, or just a reason for being here, on this god-forsakened planet.
life has to have meaning. and i have to find what that meaning is.
you know what the worst part about growing up is?
the worst part is that you can no longer receive solace from the simple things in life like when we were younger. mom's cookies don't do the job, your old teddy? nope, not even good-ol' fashion cartoon watching does the trick.
so this is what it's like to be a grown-up?

7-15-98 eye of the beholder and other cliches

ok, i admit it, that was stupid of me, but at least i tried right?
though even i'm getting tired of trying! it's all the same, everyday. The serendipitous wonder is once lost in another day. The mouth of babes speaks the wisdom of what is known. Looking for that something, word or being, to give reason to the person in the mirror. maybe the house is made of cards and when only notice it when it collapses. the eggs are all in one basket held by an old man with shaky hands. it's that weird concoction of words, verbs and subjects that gives meaning, if only person to what i'm saying.
i'll look back and not know what the signifince of the moment is.
but there is one.
if just for the fact that it *is* a moment in time! from you to me, from when i write this to when you read it only to shake your head and wonder what the hell is he talking about?

do you really care?

7-16-98 "...a box of chocolates and a long stem rose..."

in the real world, i was actually offered a date, well i was offered to be set-up, which is good, if only she wasn't 16. i can only imagine what my friends would say, not to mention my parents and siblings.
"sixteen will get you 20"
i don't think i have to tell you know where the 20 years will be.
it's benign and ever-present.
it's the quiet desperation that keeps you awake at night.
the voice that screams in mournful resignation
free me! the bitter little cynic wants out, should he be allowed to walk amongst the normal?!
i think you know the answer to that one
jealous and irreverent, he wants it all and he wants in NOW.
you know, it's strange in here and getting stranger by the day
not a good sign
i need a nap

7-17-98 promises are whispered in the age of darkness

i think it was Chris Rock who said it best when he stated the that "men never settle down, they just surrender"
in many ways he is right, i mean why make one woman miserable when you can make a lot of them happy?
sometimes it would be nice to just have everything you want but wouldn't that make life boring?
don't get me wrong it's better to have than to want. but there's something to be said about the chase. it's like a new Christmas present, when you open it up in your pajamas underneath the fake Christmas tree that makes the whole house smell like plastic, you get a sense of newness. you play with it the whole day, but in two weeks it's in the back of the closet along with the etch-a-sketch and the viewfinder form last Christmas.
you know why i can think that way? because there's no one to change that way of thought, no one who in and of themselves cna say "Look, I'm trying for you and you don't give a damn!"
maybe it's easier to see yourself as the victim. maybe you fail to see the perpetrator in yourself as well. you can hurt them if they hurt you, and vice versa. Maybe it's pointless to say it because by the time you acknowledge it, it's already too late.
the old mind-matter argument pop's up again:

"i don't mind, cause you don't matter"

i guess that's why i choose the handle, apathy-a.

7-21-98 Even Hitler had a girlfriend

well as usual i'm complaining again-there's nothing i do better than that.i'm becoming a bore. bore, bore, boring old me. your presentation-so much being revealed, to you and to others. where have you been? where are you going? who the the hell are you?
i don't think i could do that in other context than friendships.even then it's hard cause you don't know just how much you want to tell others and whether they'll like you afterwards or just say "damn, you need help!" yeah, me the everpresent black lamb baby witch.
What do i need?
i need a security blanket or a teddy bear that i can carry around and beat up in public when life treats me bad. i'll punch it and yell "why'd you do that to me?!"
no
actually i need to get laid and a girlfriend.
shit, even hitler had a girlfriend.

7-24-98 "Not enough, never enough and never ending"

Wow-it's been a while since i wrote something here.
Miss me?
well, i tell you why i haven't written, probably cause not much has happened, though i did go to a sneak preview of Disturbing Behavior and got a postcard from Kim.
Now she's in Missouri, and then maybe Georgia or California. I miss the interaction with her, it just made the day funner, better, newer, with enough madness to make it interesting.

i miss that feeling. i don't feel that feeling. my insecurities get inthe way of that. strange, you don't really notice it, till it's gone and then it's already too late. it's that security zone that's buffered by your friends and significant others. that one that makes you feel that no matter how bad things get you can always count on them. too bad i don't have any
pity the boy.

7-28-98 Don't look up, the sky is falling

sometimes i look up at the star studded coal black sky.
i just sit and think "why am i here?" and immerse myself in blankets of bittersweet aloneness.
it reminds me of childhood
yeah, a time warp for the angel that has lost his wings in the search of needful things. never knowing who to call, watching other angels fall... i'll stop that now, nothing as big a waste of time as talking to someone who only speaks in rhyme.

i am only a drop of water in an endless sea.

7-29-98 Pinball wizard

have i ever told you my pinball machine theory?
well, i'm going to tell you now. You see, i see life as this pinball machine. I am the pinball and life is the machine, god is the pinball-player. he controls the flaps of destiny that keep you from sliding down that hole.
well, as you go through life, bouncing off bumpers of relationships andlooking for the spirals that can take you higher, you also ricochet off them into situations you would rather not be part of.
you realize that god has stopped moving the flaps, he just doesn't care for you anymore-little pinball. you fall down into that dark tunnel between the flaps. a red lightflashes.

'GAME OVER'

7-30-98 Monsters in Arista Dresses

DAMN!!! i really thought i was going to win the lottery last night!
I was already making plans of what to do with my winnings.
you know, i must confess, whenever i look at those billboards annoucing how much money there is, i really begin to fantasize. Trips to Europe, Vacation homes ( vacation from what right? like i would keep my job!), money to burn, etc.
Sigh
god, i must be dillusional.
So who wins the root of all evil? a bunch of white-trash, biker people with more criminal convictions than teeth!
yes, America, meet your newest millionaires.
who knows, maybe they'll get you a Doublewide.

7-31-98 meow,meow,meow

Today, i found something interesting about myself, i found out i am a Cat.
not literally mind you, but metaphorically. and some of the people i've known and loved have been felines as well.
It's a simple philosophy and state of mind. I even wrote a paper about (you'd like to read it wouldn't you? here it is). i have to apologize however it's drab cause i don't have kitty or doggie pic's.
in other news, i am really bummed (and no smart-ass, not because i can't get a girl or a job or a life!) in fifteen days, i will no longer be able to use my parking decal and card. Which means no more internet, no more e-mail, no more updates or journal postings, nothing!
the only thing facing me is real life, real job, real everything really scary.
are you going to miss me? (yeah, that's what she said)

8-3-98 And when i squinted, the world seem rose tinted

so i go to my friend's house on friday he asks
"are you hungry?"
"yeah" i said, "what do you have?"
He replied "soda crackers and lsd-laced mayonnaise"
except he forgot to mention the part about the lsd.
like a grateful dead song i saw words appear and disappear, everything written in invisible ink. everyone talking in spanglanesse.
strange, the spangled banner lies like a hole in the ground trying hard not to be the piece of cloth that it is. i dreamt about the days when i was sitting in a high chair and my grandma spoon fed me Gerber baby food-i want to go back to the days when my only worry was about getting home in time to watch 'sesame street'. but that's me, sleeping- never dreaming, always waking to a stiff neck and a skewed view.
i think i'll stick my head in boiling holy water, i'll stick my favorite cat in the microwave, i'll smoke crack and walk with the walking dead, smother five of my six children, anything for some peace and quiet.
I wake up to monday, broken glass and pictures of people I don't even know-reality is shifted to a not.
sleeping with a gun under my pillow and bullets in my mouth.
BEWARE OF INVISIBLE MEN
i suppose, once upon a time it matter, the two of us lost, flying in bitter heavens above the cynism of it all, now it is no longer the land of the lost, it's baby jessie trapped in a well.

8-5-98 if you're bored then you're boring

Well yesterday was a lot of fun, my left rear tire, completely blew out. I mean that thing looked like it had been in a blender set to gooey-fy. So besides burning my hand trying to change it (i got a big boo-boo on my thumb-thank you very much) i also had to pay for a new one.
So what have i been doing all this time that has prevented me to writing to you?
well besides playing Karawynn's pick-a-pair puzzle just to see her naked. In all her jennifer-love-hewitt look-alike glory, i have also uploaded old stories as well as creating more files for my webpage.
so i've been somewhat busy and that's why. i need a job though, i really do need one.

8-6-98 Rain dogs with dirty faces

so anyway, yesterday i get off emailing and i'm already late. some guy comes up to me inviting me to some kind of church service, after i "politely" say "no". the guy keeps following me asking me about my beliefs and whether or not i go to church. whether-i'm saved or not. i'm ignoring him and bumps into a girl and instead of saying, you know "excuse me" or something, he goes to my right side and continues the third degree.
i was going to punch him if he didn't leave me alone-i guess he sensed that and he finally left.
you know what?
i'll bet he picked me out because he thought i looked evil. HA!
looked!?!?!
i AM evil!
but he shouldn't just assume that. Oh and lets not forget those bible,thumping, name calling, brimstone and fire preaching, heathen seeking missiles we call edu-vangelists.
you've seen them on your campus haven't you? or is it just the schools with the satanic mascots? anyway they put the fun in fundamentalist dogma.
and that, is EXACTLY why i don't go to church.

8-7-98 Waiting for the never to come

I wonder what the future holds, i mean after resignating from every single one of my dream, which never came true btw. i have a curiousity to see what, if anything will happen to me.
i mean good things you know?
the kind of things that will undoubtedly happen to my brother. I wonder what life for my sister will be like or what it is now considering she's in Santa Fe with the Anti-christ and my grandfather.
I don't even think I looking for that someone anymore, i mean if i can't have what i want (who i want), then what's the point?
she is the only one that i will ever feel that for and she already rejected me. I cannot imagine anyone else ever feeling that way (obessive, debilitating love) about me.
so now what?
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
now all i have is a life of work and a lonely death to look forward to, damn!

8-10-98 Pick a pocket full of sorrows...

would you run away with me tomorrow?

i really don't know why i do that to myself.
why i re-live those oh-so-precious moments of the past when things were good, well the weren't necessarly good although they were better than things are now.
when there was something to hope for, something to wake up to and say "this is cool".
i'm not making sense, i know, it's all subjective, because it is better to live inside my head than in all of the cruel, concreteness of the world.
in those days i could get lost in my fantasies, lost in a momentary lapse of reason with someone who spoke the same language. it was beautiful, but now just a fragment of memory lining like tapestry inside my head.
so good, so beautiful
i thought it would never end. but everything ends, doesn't my darling?
"...bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms..."
billy pumpkin, knew what he was talking about.
just a little too well

8-11-98 The nearest Far-away Place

I think I need a road trip, you know, like in the movies. a trip of self-discovery and enlightment. Driving through strange towns in the south were see old hotels with blinking neon lights reading 'ELVIS SLEPT HERE'. Driving through the AZ/CA/NV deserts, going to Vegas and winning a million bucks. Maybe I've been watching too many movies.
i'll tell you about my first ever trip to california, it was 13 years ago, i was just ten and my father and brother went to palm springs. we stayed at my grandfather's place. it was so hot and humid that i barely slept. the next day we drove down to San Diego and spent the whole day at sea world. After that we went to the beach in La Jolla, it was cloudy, the water was cold and there were a lot of weird things on the sand that made it smell really bad. at night we went back to his place. it was on to LA the next day, we went to Chinatown (the place where everybody looks alike and if you're not asian you stick out like a sore thumb). i bought a bootleg Voltron toy there, we also went to this chinese restaurant, on the way back i got car sick and threw up my noodles and fortune cookie in the back seat. you can imagine how that smelled and my kept brother punching me for it. so that was it, my first trip to cali. We went to disneyland on the day Jerry Garcia died. we couldn't believe it. people like that never die, we spent that night listening to the Dead tribute on the radio while having sex.
it was so surreal
oh BTW i didn't get car sick that time =).
I would really prefer to cross the atlantic. As you see, Europe inspires my wonderlust. i would do the running of the bulls in Spain like Poppa Hemingway, sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun, Smoking clove zigarrettes in Parisian outdoor cafes, riding a Vespa through Rome. Hitting the autobahn on a convertible from the Bavarian Motor-Werks (BMW) in Deutschland asking a passerby "Wo ist das frauleins?" and drinking in leiderhosen during Oktoberfest. don't forget the manditory trip to Amsterdam where everything is legal and it would be my duty to experience everything that it has to offer in terms of sex and narcotic consumption. Of course I'd do some euro-trash girl in every single country, probably in the bunkbed of some youth-hostel. And all this time I would write letters to my lovers back home and work on my book.
yeah, that's what i need to do, a trip, but of course i would need a way to finance my 'excellent adventure', but doing what?
i know, the ultimate job, Porn Star
here's a fun way to scientifically figure out your porn star name take the name of your high-school mascot and the name of the first street you lived on (ie. Titan Osborn or Firebird Lee). if you want to figure your drag queen name, take the name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name.
your all set now, so shake your money maker honey.
shake it,baby shake it.

8-12-98 Sweetness

Sleeping in the batter bliss she created i wonder how you never know when you are going to go, one minute you're here the next you're not. those things matter, to cheerish those moments and realize what and who is important to you.
i know all too well about reality. reality slaps me in the face and i realize that i don't know where i'm heading or if/when i'll get there.
it happens to all of us, or at least all of us shy, loners. the future is in sight yet all we want to do is remember the past. when mom baked us cookies and our fears went away with our stuffed animals.
allright, people, all-together now:SIGH
now, you wonder why your mom doesn't bake you cookies, and why your dolls don't take away the pain. and on, and on, and on...you wonder where all the flowers have gone.
and you talk to yourself
and you listen to yourself
and you realize.
no one cares
DAMN! this is what is like to be an adult.
Maybe that's just me though,

Thought of the day: a ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.

8-13-98 Sugar Sighs

The few and far between
The talk of the strech car scene
desired and much adore
the artificial smile that makes us dream
-Orisha-

Yesterday, i got a letter from Kim, it was a very sweet and sincere letter, that poor girl is going through hell in the army. i really feel for her, and admire her for being able to put with it all this time
she said somethings in that letter that i don't think i would ever hear. It's almost as if she thinks of me as her 'Val', it's weird, i know sort of what she is going through, i just don't know what to do. i mean i like her a lot and care for her, but she is so far away. i wish she was here or there was some way we could talk face to face and just let it all out.
if only, i could have met her earlier or somehow met her in real life, things could be different.
just my luck i guess
she says "never say *it* will never happen" as a reply to my mentioning that a relationship between us can never be, but i just don't see how, unless she was here. i don't believe in long distance relationships and i can't put myself through that again.
not to mention that tomorrow is my last day here.
then what? look for a job and work till the day i die.
damn, life is so unfair.
have you ever seen something, you started, snowball into something that you didn't think would happen or want and are not sure whether you are in control anymore? well that's what my situation has become. one huge snow-cone that's about to run me over. How much is too little? how little is too much? reoccuring living bad dreams at the vortex of lost souls.
as much as i like kim, and would like to give us a chance, i need to have my cake and eat it too. i need her here.
are you listening kim?

8-14-98 Humor me before I have to go

My sweet, beautiful and darling friends, thank you so much for all you have done for me over the last five years. It has been both a pleasure and a privilige to have known all of you. To those who've stopped by my homepage and told me it was "cool" or that they "loved" i want you to know you have made working on my webpage a pleasure. Since its beginning in Nov. 15, 1997, this site has served to describe me as a person and as a writer. And where would i be without those who've inspired me. Jessica Barron thanks for the advice and for having such a cool page
Laurie Notaro, even though you dumped me after only two emails (was it the cancer stick joke?) your cynism and kick-ass stories have inspired my own writting.
A sincere toast goes to my first internet friends:
Desiree Hedberg and Jennifer king; i won't forget your words dears, i hope NY is treating you well.
Last but not least, my newest friend, Kim Sims, thanks for all you've done dear. i don't know what the future holds i just hope you mean the things you say.
one more "thank you" to Erin Gross, who was the only one this year to tell me i was "cute" It's so hard to reveal to someone you don't know. i guess being behind this veneer of cyberspace, words on a screen we can let our guard down and let perfect strangers to enter our inner most thoughts, and maybe, just maybe learn to understand what only we can.
These beautiful people entered my life and my heart, i will not easily forget them. Even though, i only talk/write to kim, none of this would have been possible without them.
For now i will pretend that you love me.our love is a fire. Here is a flame that will not go out in the rain but extinguishes quickly when all is still and dry. so i guess you could call this a love letter, why? who else would care to brew the poison of its ink with such meticulous care if not a lover?
i'll miss coming here, the sights and smells of college life. The classes and hotties, hell even the homework.
what is left but ,*real* life? real jobs, real responsabilities, stuff i don't want to deal with.
i suppose you really can't get everything you want. i'm taking donations on a new MAC if anyone is willing to contribute.
i guess the horrible future awaits.
in the words of Kurt Cobain

"love, peace and empathy"

thanks for being a small part in the big picture, till next time beautiful ones.

---

---

9-01-98 the bittersweet now

on second thought, there's nothing sweet about the *now* it's just cold, harsh reality.
i feel the need, the need to do, to have, to be,
something
something that matters to somebody, something important. More than just a philosophy or the sum of its part.
something SO god-damn real, that everyone can relate to it. Life, Love, and the ultimate human question "why?"
why you, why me, why anything.
To create a webpage of such verisimilitude (ok people, dictionary time!)that it will amaze every single person that sees it.
that's not too much to ask--right?
I don't believe in fate, i don't think i was put on this earth for a specific purpose but i just want *that* which gives my life meaning. I'm not looking for the meaning of life-just the meaning of my life.
I want to create, to be the purveyor of the meaning of everything-the kinda shit people talk/think/care about.
and what is it?
i don't know.
Realism?, life? love? toast?
who knows? maybe i have to look at my own existence to provide that meaning. Nothing so esoteric that only a chosen few can comprehend, but something that speaks to everyone i a personal level.
that is what I need, among my other needs of sex, food, and money, i need something to do with my life. the ego inside myself knows how hard that is going to be, and it keeps me from reaching that which i want most, the one thing i can never find.
meaning...

9-06-98 Sitting in an English Garden waiting for the sun

in the words of Shirley Manson "i'm only happy when it rains"
not at all ironic, mind you, that i'm in AZ and it never rains here. But, today it did, and it rained hard. I like the rain because it's beautiful and cleansing and it turns me on.
(kinda sucks when you don't have anyone though)
but you know, when it rains hard it fucks up the power.
and that is not cool.
no TV
no radio
no light
no nothing
My wrists hurt from making shadow-puppets. My rabbit came out more like the profile of SATAN than the intended warm fuzzy bunny.
Let see, September 6th, it was two years ago today that i had the FIGHT with Val.
The first and the worst, the one "misunderstanding" that would keep popping up throughout our friendship till the very end.
Really makes you think, if that one, mistake on my part could have prevented the current situation.
i don't know, and if i speculate i'll be up all night thinking about it.
sitting there waiting for the sun, and if "the sun don't come, i'll get a tan, standing in the Enlish rain."
good night

9-07-98 Hello NASTY!!!

12:43aM
Well, i just got back from the Beastie Boy concert. actually i just got back from a bar that adam and i went to after the show.
the concert was really good, if albeit short. (an hour and a half for $25.00?). The people, nay children, sucked though. Besides not being old enough to drive a car, the started throwing stuff on the stage. Toilet paper, water bottles, and even shoes.
I think the best part about labor day was just spending time with friends. Seeing Adam, Jerrett (with his ugly girlfriend, Carly--yeah like I should talk) and that fine piece of ass, Julie (jerrett's sister and the finest Preach-girl of them all) was really cool. it's a rare opportunity when we all have the day off or just enough to have the awesome breakfast Adam made, the bong hits we took and the talks we had. I really admire him for what he has done with his life and what he plans on doing. I don't know if i belive in Zodiansim but i know for a fact he does. he's really changed, since The Dream i guess it's real, at least for him. Maybe we all need that.
*something* to believe in.

9-15-98 "a pig in a cage on antibiotics"

another day, another job search
you know looking for employment really sucks. finding one you like and that's nearby is damn near impossible. that's life i suppose.
graduate from school, settle into a job that, like cancer, slowly kills you, try to find someone you can stand for more than five hours and wait to die.
This is NOT the kind of shit i was told growing up would be like. Somehow I always imagined i would be a kid. Now I'm a 15 year old trapped into the body of a 23year old. with all the responsabilities and duties thereof.
man, how did things go by so fast?.
Maybe this is just a phase, maybe the *phase* is the only thing i believe in along with my own arrogance that one day i will find *her*.
The future is still hazy, i suppose it will always be hazy, and i think i'll leave it at that. Relationships are like driving into fog, you don't know where you're going-you just hope there's a road there.

9-18-98 The Novacaine of denial

funny thought
you know, maybe i am just wasting time.
Yours, mine and anyone else who's bothered to come here.
i should be doing *something* with my life instead of complaining so much.
but not be like ngoc who periodically thinks of new places of where she could plant a bomb and get away with turning 50 people into sloopy-joe
I must somehow express the primal scream inside my soul. The same one that echoes on the edge of my consciousness whenever i have to deal with *reality*. I teeter on the abyss, the instant before the big nothing. Sort of cartoonish suspension, like Wile E. Coyote, who walks on thin air by not realizing gravity.
School was the blind spot that gave me choice on the thickness of the ice I walked on. Now i've fallen through and i don't know where to swim while hungry polar bears chase me. i need a job but not one that will change me, not one that, like cancer, will slowly but surely kill me.
Life is an obstacle course, hard and punishing, we're constantly jumping things that prop out of nowhere.
i'm 23 and i'm wondering how many more obstacles are in the way. how long can i keep going? How long can i keep my head above water before fatigue sets in? How much longer can i keep my dreams alive before plummeting into the pits of forsakeness?
too many questions, ever enough answers
I did get a letter from Kim yesterday. she's leaving the army and going home. She says she'll come visit but as always i'm skeptical and i won't believe anything till it's sitting on my lap
no pun intended--well maybe a little =)

10-5-98 I slept with the devil

Despite of sounding like a broken record, I will once again state that this file, and indeed this whole page-thingie is not being properly updated. Since i don't personally have access to a decent computer anymore, I don't know if/when this will be the last entry. But it may be so please bear with me till i can find the time and the computer resources necessary to make this all that it can be.
(clearing my throat noises) Today's ramble a long stem rose, another imagenary metaphor. a place where nobody goes-listless smiles and plastic sunrises.
a voice that echoes in your sleep
New year's Eve and memories
sell the self and sell it cheap
ethereal musings and bloodshot eyes
mirror close and full of lies
forgotten, nameless, forsaken caress.
it reminds me of a time and place long ago, of being in one of adam's many apartments. Summer time and swimming.
Strange what things come to your mind when you lie in the moments between sleep and awakeness. people and places you haven't thought about in ages suddenly come to mind.
where are they now?
lost in the corridors or my mind? am i lost in theirs?
i think what i need is to find meaning, i mean val has tobin, adam has pot, jennifer has her music, ngoc has shane, everyone has something tangible to call their own. and what do i have?, come on people?
nothing!
unless you count notebooks of stuff only i can understand and a webpage, something.
i'm just not satisfied i need more, and parodoxically, the more i have the more i want.
well, thanks for listening.

PS: What part of CATHARSIS don't you understand?

10-8-98 Be a star, in the Dope Show!!!

sometimes i wonder why i bother you know?
getting outta bed seems like such a hassle and for what? to go through yet another day?
same damn job for the same damn pay, same damn people, same damn experiences.
I wish the day would change, sometimes i wonder what other people are thinking about. Not because i'm interested, just curious. wouldn't it be cool if you could read what other people are thinking, like that REM video, with little subtitles under the heads of each person. it would make the day more interesting.
then again, the world is full of idiots, but idiocy is funny sometimes.
another thing that i often do as i drive down the streets of Phoenix is stare up at those lottery/Powerball billboards, i begin to have these vivid images in my head of what i would do with that kind of money. what pisses me off as coming down from that dream like state and realizing reality.
the curse and the burden of the dreamer. i spend WAY too much time daydreaming, and rality is my daymare if you will.
the future is ahead, bleeding pretty colors and waiting for us to get there. But i'm not a frog and you're not a bunny so lets not jump ahead. We still have the Here-and-Now to deal with.
i miss it, now i'm here, scared of the future and too aware of the past enough to know that none of this could ever last.
in the undying words of Tori Amos:

"give me life, give me pain, give me my self again"

10-9-98 Looking for adventure, in whatever comes our way...

Just Talk "You know deb, we should really do something" i said, taking off my sunglasses
"*We?* Kemozabe? need i remind you i have a kid?" she muttered.
" A Roadtrip--like in the movies" I offered
"Really?" she said.
"Shit-yeah!, babe" i replied.
"But what will we do?" she questioned.
Come on, it'll be fun, i'll sell my car and buy a Hog, we'll ride around the south, it'll be like easy rider. I'll gain about 200lbs, grow a ZZ-top beard and you can braid it.
We'll join some biker gang and get matching tattoos, we'll intermarry into some inbred white trash family full of cousins'. You can call me Big Daddy and i'll call you Motorcycle Mamma.
"yeah-and we can get one of those little side-carts for Christopher on your Harley."
"that's the spirit"-answered. "We can also live in a double-wide you can have 10 more kids and we can name all of them after characters in The Dukes of Hazzard.
Our hillbilly family will spend our welfare checks, on country music tapes, buying velvet Elvis paintings and watching pay-per-view wrasslin'.
Doesn't sound like fun? Motorcycle Mamma?
"Only if you say so, Big Daddy" she replied

10-10-98 Bathroom of a cheap motel

My grandparents are coming today.
It's been a while since i've seen them and in a way i'm excited yet sort of worried of what they'll say about their favorite grandchild. My bloodshot eyes are my signature proof of too many wild times and too few nights doing "good,decent,Christian things" like going to church (Every single day, praying and reading the bible). Not to say that i'm opposed to any of that but it just doesn't work for me.
i've tried, i have, but i've been let down more times than i care to count and it's very frustrating.
I'm already thinking up excuses and reasons for my behavior, answers to their questions and lies to make up for everything i've done wrong.
knowing them, they'll see through me like a Scooby-Doo villain.
"if it wasn't for those pesky granparents i've would have gotten away with it!!!"
Which reminds me, why did Shaggy and Scooby always find the ghosts while Fred and Daphney were somewhere off knocking boots?
well, anyway--wish me luck, i'll have to Krazy-Glue a smile to my face and endure a weeks worth being treated like a 10 year-old.
although you know, i wouldn't mind being ten again.

10-13-98 "Lost in a Roman, wilderness of Pain..."

Another day
all the children are insane.
maybe that's the way it should be.
interestingly enough, maybe it takes the madness of others to make life *sane* at least as sane as life can get.
it's need that keeps us going, the need to need, or the need to have more than what we have but feel entitled to.
sudden and strange the future slaps our bare behinds like a mother diciplining an unruly child
reality is rude and incomprehensible
strange nevertheless.
i'm not making any sense, am i ?

10-21-98 Milking my Nightmares

strange
i've almost been feeling too good.
and that scares me.
Why? you ask
Well, if i feel good or well, then i know something bad is about to happen and just between you and me, i'm just not used to it. i mean, i still don't have all my wants or needs but i'm getting by. something to be happy about huh? well not exactly.
i fear stagnation, i fear things becoming *normal*
i at least learn from pain, it helps me grow, it helps me create, it inspires me to write.
yes, it is masochistic, but i know that.
let me explain it this way, it's like you have something you never ask for, something you never wanted, but if *it* goes away then you truly have nothing.
maybe it's me and maybe i'm too sensitive for my own good.
i mean, my brother has a charmed life, my sister has an ok, life and mine sucks. It's been that way forever. Be that as it may, without something to complain about my life feels empty.
Well, i guess i have the lack of complains to complain about.
Tomorrow night is the 3eb concert that should keep my mind busy and yesterday i got a letter from Kim and i got that to think about. i suppose i should go. till next time dearies.

10-23-98 Dreamlike Awakeness (my night with 3eb)

Feeling flustered, awakened, alive. My face flushed with the exitement of the night, my hair, sticky from sweat, cigarrette smoke, mousse and dirt. sensory overload. Ears deafened.
like a night of really, really good sex
Concerts are those rare opportunities were you can come face to face with the icons you only find in music videos and magazine covers. They become real in your minds eye. The music flows like gallons of alcohol at a teenage party. The audience sings Stephan's words, even the Ice Cube cover of "Today was a good day". The host seems grateful even bashful at times as the girls whoo at his picture on the big-screen. His words mesmerize the crowd, from the opener, Thanks a lot to the interlude of Jumper which consisted of my sister and i rushing along with 500 other souls to the front of the stage. The music kept the audience jumping, screaming and begging for more.
Third Eye Blind, is young and charismatic, each member knows their role and plays it to perfection. The ringleader smiles, waves, points and smirks at the crowd as it waves back with thousands of hands. Motorcycle Drive-by lowers the lights which spark a hundred lighters in the house Summertime and wind is blowing....
Stephan chats with crowd and encites "i love you's" from the mostly female, teen audience. He recalls a story regarding how much trouble the upcomig song has gotten them into and how many out there in the crowd look like trouble makers, strapping his guitar on, fingers on the Gchord the crowd awaits the expected and explosive Semi-Charmed Life.
Like a climax, they crowds sings along and jumps to the beats. After going U2's I will follow the band concludes their set with, as Mr. Jenkins calls it, their "...good luck song" God of Wine
the fervor ends as the lights come on, they exit backstage, no doubt ready for another city.
but, will that bastard call me tomorrow?

10-26-98 "Blessed are the broken..."

in many of my daydreams i saw myself as THE FONZ, you know super-cool with a leather jacket, riding a motorcycle and, of course, snapping my fingers to get chicks while saying "Hey"(picture in your head a thumb-up too)
probably because i grew up on '70's television.
later on my perception of cool changed when i discovered music, i wanted ( still do) to become Jim Morrison an electric poet, alive with inspiration. An icon for a generation, the antidote that contained the disease.
as wanted as i was feared. desired by women, admired by men. Maybe fall in love with some beautiful, exotic girl with alabaster skin, raven-dark hair and liquid eyes as blue as the ocean. she would have a poetic name like, Starr or Rain or Winter
SIGH
then, "the End" to die young and beautiful, buried in the Peré LaChaise cemetery, to have mourners holding candles and pictures of my visage, crying as if they knew me or as if i cared.
a bottle of red wine would be the only object on my grave. my memory and my music would keep my tormented spirit alive thirty years after everyone else in my generation of artists had withered away to old age.
To have a legacy, to live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse, that's not much to ask for, is it?

10-29-98 "Morning found me laughing"

you know what? i actually got a job offer.
for a while there i thought i was never going to get one. the thing is, i have to deal with a bunch of crazy (not crazy good but crazy bad), adolescents who have drug problems and will probably end up in jail or dead before thirty. it's a huge responsibility and i don't know if i can handle it.
however
that does mean less time to work on my webpage or master the art of video-games. I am an adult-i should have a job and *real* life responsabilities.
when dipped in the sizzling vat called fat, we all form a hard, crusty outercoating, a protective shell that hides our true, inner tenderness.
they also want me to get fingerprinted and drug tested. i think i can pass the latter, cross your fingers and i suppose you have to when working with delinquents. the pay is good, but who knows how hard the work will be.
well, till next time

10-30-98 "today, i didn't even have to use my A-K..."

listen to me, and listen to me well, because i will not often say this.
today was a good day. why, pray tell, was it?
today, i went to the bookstore where there was this spin-the-wheel thingy, you could win a sparky towel, a pen, a t-shirt or even (get this) money gift-certificates, in 5, 10 and 20 dollar amounts.
guess who won a 20 dollar gift certificate?
yup, yours truly and it went towards the cost of buying another Zip disk, at $16.00 ea. i made a three dollar and twelve-cent profit.
if only i could read a light on the good year blimp reading "you're a pimp"

11-02-98 Cocaine Nosejobs

Well i had my physical today, that bastard gave me a tB test shot. it hurt. and they want me to go back for the test results? that place is in the fuckin' ghetto, westside (at the corner of crackhead and ganstabitch street )
you know what else?
i don't even care if i get the job, it'll be like I'm a guard in a prison for kids, it didn't help matters when the doctor told me a previous psych-tech had been kicked in the stomach by one of those crazy people.
yeesh!
what i have to do to get a job!!!

11-03-98 "my heart is broke but i have some glue..."

Sometimes i think i'm cursed.
Sometimes i know i am, i just wish i knew *why*. In reality, i'm too old to believe in promises anymore. To believe "I love you's, to believe anything.
sometimes believing, is like throwing your ballon of faith into the cactus of reality.
maybe that just the way things are. and self-reflection is just making things worse.
THAT or i'm just tired of always being jealous of everybody. that could be it. it's more *issues* and inner-maddeding thoughts that permeate my daily life.
along the line of *issues* i have the tendency to like girls that have no interest in me and dislike the few that do, yet i bitch that i can't find anyone.
keep in mind dears, that although i recognize this problem, fixingit is a lot harder. who am I kidding though? i know i'm going to end up alone, living in the shallow outskirts of Loserville. I'll get some pet rats or snakes and scare away the neighborhood kids, they'll call me crazy SnakeMan and they'll run, not walk, run past my door. I'll sit there watching my TV and talking to my snakes.

11-05-98 "Don't think cause I'm talking..."

Is it just me or does everyone want to bitch-slap Tori Spelling (you know, Donna) when they watch 90210? (come on, I know you watch it! or are you a Dawson Creeker?) admit it, it's an autonomic response, like the manditory "clap,clap,clap,clap" during the Friends theme song.
On another, more relevant topic.
that 'great job' i mentioned several days ago, never called me back, maybe i failed the drug-test maybe they just didn't like me. I didn't care for it much, which eases the transition back into joblessness or hate-your-job-ness. there are a certain of people who will never be pleased.
no matter how much you give them they will not be satisfied. you can give them the world and they will not care or complain that they want more.
some people are so used to always getting what they want they're jaded to anything new
There are also those people who believe i should be happy (and even those people who ludicrously believe i will be happy, as if destined or something).
the reality that these people live through is different than mine. they expect me to be happy or at least "pretend" however i am too real to lie to myself.
Believe me i've tried.

11-06-98 "Words are meaningless and Forgettable"

wow-how time does fly, can you believe it? it's been almost one year since i to i debuted on the web. I can hardly believe it's developed into this from its one-page, black text-grey backgroud beginnings, i just had my mission statement and a corresponding e-mail at ASU. back then just getting a few tags right, let alone pictures was enough. Dare i say, i'm proud of this page? well i'm currently satisfied although i won't be truly happy until i get nominated into the
People Chase Web ring. A goal to shoot for i guess
Which brings the topic of today's discussion.How to start your own ramblings on the web 1.Do and say whatever the fuck you want and don't let anybody change that.
2.Live by that rule
3.Realize you may not be understood by anyone, but don't lose your integrety over it.
4.It helps is you have *something* to say, anger is a juicy place for comtemplation.
5.Realize that She never loved you and never will
6.Bitch about life and make others see your point.
7.Drink enough to feel beautiful
8.Once everyone abandon's your drunken, weepy ass, learn that you are unloved, alone and unappreciated in your own time.
9.Always remember #8.
10.Learn HTML

As always darlings, thanks for reading and maybe caring about my stuff.
Love and bottoms up
aM

11-09-98 Midnight in Suburbia

it's cold outside, cold enough to make me want to pee every 20min. but i can't go to the bathroom cause it's too far away and i'm too lazy to get up an go. all in all, i'm thinking of a lot of things at this moment.
1. why won't my newly created gifs work on all my files?
2. is Rice-A-Roni really the San Francisco treat?
3. why is it that hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in 8's?
4. theoretically speaking, if you were to dig a whole straight to the other side of the earth and kept it from melting and/or collapsing. And, you jumped in, how would you come out the other side? is it with your feet going out first and sort of jumping, right before gravity pulls you back down? would you even come out or get stuck somewhere in between.
5. about all the people i don't trust:
people who kiss with their eyes open
and guys who drive camaros
6. most of all, i'm thinking about peeing my pants!!!
i have to run now (quite literally!)

11-10-98 Mysterious, Feminine Rhythms

i'm thinking about us. about the time we did shrooms that august night by your pool.
i'm thinking of the time you called me an asshole and i called you a bitch (yeah, which time right?)
i'm thinking of you thinking of me that time we made love by candle light and the candle didn't go out till three.
maybe i shouldn't memories are often a gift with a price, they make you remember the good and compare it to what you have now.
rage inflamed by sadness of times gone by, different times and different memories. your tender lips and sugar tongue, your letter from France informing me you had taken the training wheels off your bike (God, how i wanted to be that wrench) talking on the phone, when you played "Reprise" for me, that was one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me.
and it compares to nothing now but the visions of you.
i think Tom Yorke, said it best:

"all the things you've got, she'll never need"

11-12-98 365 days later

ever thought it would be like this?
you know, growing up?
i didn't, i thought growing up was going to be fun. I thought i would know the things to do, what to say and so forth. i thought it would be easy, the way things are supposed to be.
but it's not, it's a giant downward spiral, the more years the more responsabilities, bills to pay, work to do. I wonder what the future holds, wait are things going to get worse from here as they have over the past five years?
man, life sucks
of course tomorrow another little passage begins, i have to get fingerprinted and pick a schedule i like for the job with those thugs. working on thanksgiving and Christmas is going to suck ass! working alone sucks ass but on holidays and weekends too? i don't know how long i'll last there but i do NOT want to return to Neiman-Marcus.
i hate that place and everybody in it. I hate it more than waiting in line, more than those annoying Gap commercials, more than my mom's Christmas meat loaf, more than Spike Lee hates white people, more than shopping on the 24th. i swear, if assholes could fly, Neiman-Marcus would be an airport.
yet, could we have a new winner here? i hope not, the money is good but maybe that's the trick they use, "pay them well and lets see if they aren't stabbed first." so how knows.
who the hell knows anything?, i don't even know if i'll like the job and when i'll have time to "chronolize" my experiences back here again. once again, my life is the epitome of a catch-22. i need money to buy stuff, which i can't fully use because i'll be at work. but there are other things to ponder about.
man it's already been a year to the date since i spoke again to the heartless angel. "i swear my time's never cheap..."
till next time babes, remember to pray for me ok?
(no, it doesn't work, but i can't hurt now can it? )

11-13-98 "the wound that swallows..."

and so it begins, or maybe it ends
I start work on monday
WORK--people, you know, that which i swore i'd never do. babysitting thugs. i didn't think this is all a psych degree would get me. i'm pissed
in a way, i suppose it's all part of growing up-but dammit, i wanted to be a Toys'R Us kid.
So many things that i haven't done and now reality wants me to pay for myself. but, after the MAN takes his taxes. i'm going to be left with roughly, $1000.00 a month, minus bills, rent, car payment, gas, insurance and food, i come out $380.00 in the hole, not to mention entertainment and clothing expenses.
damn, i need more money, a helluva lot more. it's like puffy said, "it's allabout the benjamins baby"
well, speaking of HOLE, i picked up their new album yesterday. it doesn't rock with the fervor or originality of Live through this but it's not without it's charm. I love Dying so mournful and beautiful, Northen Star is a Disarm rip-off but it's good.
let's see what else did i leave out, before heading into the dark recesses of the real world as if other things were make-believe.
i should've told you earlier about my idea for a double-headed shower. that way when you take a shower with another person, one isn't shivering in the cold while the other one gets all the warm water.
well, who knows when there will be a next time, but till then-remember who loves you baby!

11-18-98 @ the finest worst

Well, i'm back and i survived.
and so, work came and went.
horrible, horrid and awful, work.
And doing what, pray tell? baby-sitting, drug-addicts, gang-bangers and puppy-kickers.
their rooms have the kind of funk that would give dog-food a run for its money. they have bad attitudes and pants so wide they could double for car covers.
no good-looking girls, no eye-candy staff members, except for two, one's a hottie but just physically (no mental or emotional bond) and the other is a lot older and married.
i seriously thought about not coming back, i still think about quitting but i do need the money, the 9-hour shifts suck and i haven't had the DAP kids (yet!)(paint sniffers, glue inhalers) which, as i've been told, should "wait till last"
i don't like those ominous predictions by people who have endured that shit for so long they should have medals of bravery. i did get the coveted and omnipotent "L" key, i don't know what the "L" stands for but i know is that it allows me to open all doors in that facility.
i genuinely don't know how long i'll put up with it.
Wanna hire me?

11-19-98 to dream the impossible dream

i've been day dreaming, needless to say, it beats the typical situation that i find myself in-everyday.
i had that dream again last night.
that dream where i'm a larger than life pimp.
Afro under a violet Velvet hat. A Mr.T starter-set of gold chains and Sir Mixalot-esque fur coat. Feather boa-pink. Shirtless with a pierced nipple. Leather pants and Platform shoes, with gold fish inside of them.
Cool and sleek.
I look Lenny Kravitz, who's like the definition of cool. He just drips of sexual energy. He's my hero!
i live in some harem, with like 20 chicks, velvet couches, got my phzone to stay on the trzack, two 9's (one for the perpetrators and the other for the bitches), a neon sign reading "pimps in the front, ho's in the back, and chumps in the trunk!". the insense burning (everything looks like a Prince video) and in the background, 2LiveCrew's "Me, so Horny" plays, 24/7!
all my girls are there, Elizabeth Hurley (that face, that accent-the sexiest woman on the planet), Fiona Apple, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz,Asia Carrera, Cindy Crawford, Salma Hayek, Jennifer Aniston (as Rachel from the 2nd season of Friends) Rebecca Lord, Jessica Darling, and Jennifer Lopez (have you seen that butt?!?)
They live to please me (and dammit, they should!) it's a beautiful day.
Then down comes a donkey, who says, "waz up, honkey"
and takes all my bitches away.
damn, even in my dreams i get played!

11-21-98 "the skin of my emotions lies within my all"

well, a week of work, actually three days of it, 27 hours. that's a lot. I even had to tell one of *them* to know his "damn role", or i was going to "take him out, John Woo style"
i also lost my damn gas cap after i put gas in my car this morning, so all in all, another perfect saturday morning for yours truly.
i know what you're thinking, and it's not that i'm once again complaining, it's more of a "get to know my situation" introduction to my life.
no matter how hard i try, a few sentences cannot give anyone a scope into my very being. These words serve as a sort of Rorschach test, everyone sees what they want to see here. It's not right or wrong, it's just incompleteand i am not a good enough writer to fully explain it all.
i'm just another introspective soul who wonders when he'll get a break in life. Fate or whatever else befalls me will happen and i can only take things one day at a time.
i already know kim lied to me. I would have had no problem with her leaving if she would have at least said "goodbye", but i got nothing. all her, "you're so special's", "i'll never forget you's", "i would do anything for you's" were all lies. I hate being lied to, i mean-if you don't like me, that's fine but don't pretend that you do either.
that and that *alone* it's what hurts, not that she stopped feeling, whatever it was that she felt for me, but that she lied to me, even after saying that she would never lie to me again, and promising she would never hurt me.
see, you really can't trust anybody

11-23-98 "Turn myself inside out, hoping someone will see"

I very rarely do this.
i must make an extraction.
i made an error in judgement. i jumped to conclusions about kim. Who, i talked to last night for almost three hours.
it was strange, long moments of silence patched with weird thoughts. I must have cost her a fortune, "sorry dear!"
She has a nice voice too. Telling me about her lost weekends of liquid courage and hazy smoke. She sounded so attentive, trying to make me see something which my introspect cannot find. I miss that, i've missed her talks of *her* whether or not *she* even exists. I never asked her to care, she just did. I cannot ask for her love, just her understanding. I can never see myself as being that important to somebody. Kim's words are a renewed sense of hope. Needless to say, i should have someone like that around even if she just comes to Phoenix just to "kick my ass"
But in all reality even though she's a great person, i can't become too attached to her, or anyone really. She's going back to the military sometime (for four years!)or moving with her (guy)friend to california.
In all honesty, i do hope she finds what she's looking for. I do want her to be happy, whether or not I am. i don't know if she'll find her perfect husband and have perfect kids with the perfect house and the perfect white picket fence.
i don't know if any of us will, but she deserves it.
and i guess that's the difference between her and i.

11-30-98 "My lamb, My martyr"

WORK
how do i hate thee?
Let me count the ways...
I can't believe they called me in to work today. actually i can believe it, i just can't believe i was stupid enough to say yes.
Everyday, every ten minutes i'm looking at my watch counting down the time till i get to leave those thugs behind. I need a new job. NO, i need to win the lottery.
i don't even know anymore.
I feel so unispired by everything.
Thanksgiving is kinda boring when you don't really have things to be thankful for, Christmas is the same thing. I can't say i really want anything because the things i want no one will give me and no one can get them besides me. so i'm at a loss. zero emotional affect, just tired of everything. and sleepy, definitely sleepy.
goodnight.

12-02-98 "Quaff, oh quaff, this kind nepenthe"

rainy days always get to me.
there's just something about grey skies and wet ground that speaks to me in places i didn't know i had ears.
everything is quiet, just the syncopated sounds of rain drops and keystrokes.
simple. elegant. minimalistic.
for some reason i really into minimalism this year. the fact that you can speak volumes by saying little or not saying anything just amazes me. i will definitely think about that if/when i change this webthingie.
but hey, guess what-it's December!
Christmas is 23 days away (what did you get me?)
I've noticed that Christmas stops being fun after you learn there's no Santa Claus sorry to spoiled it for you. Remember when you'd get clothes instead of toys? (Dammit Grandma!).
Now it's time to go X-mas shopping-cars circling the parking lots searching for spaces like sharks under a bleeding surfer. fighting your way into stores, just to watch some damn woman infront of you, get the last furby in the store. All this in the season of "good tidings"?
Speaking of which, i have to do some shopping myself. I hope you didn't wipe out.

12-07-98 "send me the flowers, of your December"

two years since the concert, how time travels fast, it's been more than two years since i saw Renee.
(Damn! she was fine).
It's strange-though the passage of time is noted, life hasn't really changed except for THE JOB everything is lamentably the same.
No rational wisdoms, no epiphany to explain the world to me. nothing.

Day's dawning
Skin's crawling
Pure Morning

even my bet came true about it snowing here in the valley before i could reach happiness. i happened yesterday. and for my sake, that's just fuckin' sad.
but my screams fall on deaf ears. like a liar in a witchtrial.
no one to listen but me, i know what i need (all those miraculous objects of my affection that will provide *happiness*). But i don't know how to get them. my secret pain is just that secret and unless you've actually been there you have no idea of what i'm talking about. It's not the kind of pain that will kill you just the kind that will make you want to die.

12-08-1998 "Pools of Sorrow, waves of Joy..."

John Lennon died 18years ago today. I can't tell you were i was or what i was doing i was only five. The Beatles were from my mom's generation. I have no right to say it was my loss as much as it was theirs. I do know the world lost something that day. A voice of a generation-John Lennon was the Beatles. He was bigger than that.
His words, his talent-he could turn the gaze inwards and write such beautiful and poignant songs. He had the ability to emotionally destroy or elate his listeners spirit, by taking a string of words and making you feel them. Personal yet universal, the sort of eloquence a writer only dreams of. Somewhere across the universe, he still makes me wish for a gentler time. When melodies created hope for a better tomorrow. Reflecting those times gone by in a song, trying to create instant Karma. Who knows maybe one can still return to simpler times by putting some old Beatles CD on, having a bed-in and letting go to just, IMAGINE.
John Lennon once stated:
"i don't believe in the Beatles, i believe in me."
He's right you know, afterall he was the walrus.

12-16-98 and my 2 front teeth

Dearest Santa:
How are you? i hope this winter finds you well. You know i've been working oh so hard to get off your naughty list. I've tried to be a good boy, honest. So i think it's your turn to dazzle me on Christmas morning.
Though you've let me down every single year since 1988, this year i'm not asking for material goods. Though my CD playerhater often skips and my car may need a GrandMaster flash cylinder, i don't want anything you can buy at a store. No items to hold, to see or eat.
I'm not asking for fame or wealth, because i can get by. There are so many who are worse off than i.
My new job, as much as i hate it, has shown me how much i have that others don't.
I'm not asking for world peace.
I don't ask for much, just one thing. Just one thing.
Please, if you can find it in your heart, just this once. Please let me find HOPE under the tree this year. Hope to make it through this Christmas and next year.
My supply is just about gone. To feel "almost heavenly", to feel new and clean again.
So please, bring me hope this year.
maybe something for my family and echo too.

12-17-98 insane in the membrane

maybe it's the cold weather, maybe it's my job or the daily sucky axiom that is my life, but i really do think i'm losing it.
my mind that is.
Everything is different now, things change, people move on, days go by in blurs. And all i can do is sit there and go "what the fuck?"
It's not even about one person anymore, it's about every single aspect of my life. I don't understand where i'm going or what i'll find when i get there. Or if i'll even get *there* before really losing it. There has to be a meaning somewhere, there just has to be.

"no one but me, can save myself, but it's too late"
James Hetfield-Metallica.

12-25-98 X-mas in Rehab

Today doesn't feel like Christmas, i mean there's no joy no inner sense of excitement, nothing.
Maybe it's because i had to work today, maybe my concupiscence and lack of skill to get it has reached a new boiling point so much so that it has hindered all joy from the things that once upon a time brought so much happiness.
for me it was a day like any other-except the fake tree at PARC Place gave the room a plastic smell. Yet, so much time has passed-so many things have changed.
I can't believe it's already been a year since i was in L.A. and i really haven't accomplished much in that amount of time, but lose more friends and quickly began and ended a relationship (there's that word again!)that was headed nowhere. All i asked from Santa was hope, that's all i asked for.

12-31-98 "Running to stand Still"

The new year is coming.
Sadly, in the 23 and a half years I've been on this planet i have not accomplished anything of true value. I mean nothing, worse yet with my job i've become what i've always hated.
Not only did i comform by getting a "job" but i'm an overseer for adolescents, i have become THE MAN. With my Banana Republic outfits (in the colorful shades of light and dark grey, four shades of brown, black and the ever popular white)I look the part of a (gulp) grown-up. I still haven't accomplished any grown up things though.
Nothing that has made me say, "i'm proud of what i have done". That is extremely frustrating for me, especially when i know so many others younger than me who have.
I guess 1999 should be a time for hope, but i just see it as another year wherein i'll accomplish nothing. I hate the holidays all they do is make you reflect on the past and it's even worse when you're alone. The next thing you know it's Valentine's Day then my birthday then boom the holidays all over again.
"you have to cry without weeping
talk without speaking
scream without raising your voice"

-u2-

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