Last night, was about some kind of serial child molester. He had some kind of ritualistic abuse he did to kids and he usually killed them. I cried intermittedly throughout the show. I just couldn't help it. Well, one of his victims got away. Yay, her, right? But when the detectives went to interview her, Mom was saying all dramatically,"But it's too much for her" and then would whisk her away from those heartless detectives.

Hey, now that I've been there, I can say without reservation: I wouldn't be so stupid as to watch the closed circuit videotaping of my child in that situation and that I'd simply let the police do their job. I'd sit and wail in the other room and beat my breasts (hey, it's tv, I could be that dramatic!), but I'd let them do their job to catch the shitbag who hurt my darling.

Yes, it's hard, but not catching the evil son of a bitch would just kill me. I'd want him to fry. I know it's the mother in me. But I can't help it. I'm against the death penalty except in the case of child molesters because frankly, they haven't demonstrated to me that child molesters have the ability to stop their compulsion to hurt children. In stuff I've read and seen on TV, even guys who have opted to be castrated find that the compulsion, while less is still there. It's not an illness of the groin, but one of the mind. People like that should be killed for the sake of the parents of the child. There is not logic to how I feel. I am strictly working on instinct here. I realize how I feel is normal and justifiable, but I feel like I'm working strictly on fight or flight. Because it's my son, I won't fly, so I'm fighting.

I read once that even in prisons, sexual offenders against children are the most loathed in the prison population. "Hey, what are you in for?" "Armed robbery. How about you?" "Raping babies." I can just imagine that conversation would end really quickly, even in prison.

I will never forgive the boy that hurt my son, even though I know intellectually, he was only a child himself. I feel angry about that in myself. I thought I was a bigger person than that. I have had to leave it to powers greater than me to forgive him. I've asked other people to pray for him because I can't stop hating him. This kid brings out the bulldog in me because I just want to grab hold of this and not let go until justice has been served. Sometimes I try to pray for him, too, but it's a prayer like: "Please, God, give me strength to pursue this, so he'll never do this again."

Very selfish prayers. I just want God to help me get him.

I know that the case is at the juvenile D.A.'s office. I've called and left voicemail that I hope she pursues this. I'll keep calling, too, and being that squeaky wheel. The sheriff said that during the initial interview the boy was being evasive and obviously telling half-truths and then the mother said,"I think we need a lawyer." My immediate thought is: "I think you need a divorce. It's been done to him by someone else. And he's done this before if he knows how to be evasive."

So this is the story of a how to stop a child molester. Please pray for him because I can't. Pray that he gets the help he needs because while I know he needs help, I can't stop hating him. There is a small part of me that wants to get him help, but there's a larger, meaner, backed- into-a-corner-mother-of-a child, with her child tucked behind her, who would like nothing more than to beat the crap out of him. I tell myself that thankfully, there's the part of me that can't really hurt others, so I only wish him hot death, but I asked that the sheriff not tell me where he lives. And even though it's in the phone book, I stay home, close to my son and daughter. I pray that if I can get him into court and we can win, he'll get help and he'll be stopped from being both prey and predator, but mostly that he'll never touch my child again or anyone else's. It's a weird mix of emotions with an angel in one ear and a devil in the other and all the outrage and fury I feel like an ephemeral fog ebbing and flowing around my heart.

I know now why people say "blinding rage" and "blind love." When I think about what this child did to Russell, it's nearly impossible to see anything but Russell.