Note: This sketch is to be taken very lightly and with good humor. The character in this sketch do NOT depict anyone at all and in fact one should not read them as today's society men. And one last note, the way that it is written down is probably different from how it is described in my mind. Another note, this is NOT the final draft. Thank you.
Scene 1
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C- Mr. Cea (*Pronounced Sea*)
B- Mr. Biggles
R- Mr. Ruine (*Pronounced Run*)
U- Usher
H- Mr. Heapees (*Pronounced He-a-pees*)
C- Ah, Mr. Biggles! Over here! Boy, great weather, isn't it? I haven't been to a baseball game sinc emy father took me when I was eight. You been having a good day?
B- Oh yes! Fine day it is, Mr. Cea. I can't wait for this game to start. How's the wife and kids?
C- Oh, they're doing just fine. The young one's about to go to school. It will be a big day for us. A big day!
B- Oh I can imagine! Oh look, over there! Mr. Ruine. Boy I haven't seen him since... since...
C- Last Christmas?
B- Oh yes! At that party. Where we celebrated...celebrated...
C- Christmas?
B- No, no, no. That was the week before.
C- Oh, Mr. Schnit's departure?
B- Shit.
C- No, Schnit, Biggles, Schnit.
B- no, I meant shit, as in shit Schnit's gone.
C- Oh I see.
B- I wonder how he's doing? Do you suppose he got remarried again? (After that horrible divorce.) He would have those long arguements on the phone at work. His wife would yell so loud that everyone could hear everything. Oh it was horrible!
C- Schnit never got a divorce, Biggles. He's happily married.
B- Oh. Right, right. I must have meant Mr. Heapees.
C- Uh huh. Oh here come Ruine!
R- Cea, Biggles.
C- Ruine.
B- Ruine.
R- Great day, isn't it?
C- Oh yes! It sure is!
B- How's the divorce going?
R- I'm still married.
B- Oh, right, right.
C- So the kids are doing alright?
R- Oh yes. And we've got another one on the way!
C- Oh fun! Do you know what it's going to be?
R- We've still got a few more weeks until we find out.
B- Speaking of babies, did you hear about those birds that got stuck in the airplane?
C & R- What?!?
U- Peanuts! Hot dogs! Jellybeans! Breathmints!
B- Oh, two breathmints please. My treat guys.
U- Sorry, we're all out. I'll have to go back and get some more.
B-All out you say. Alright. Take your time. We're not going anywhere.
C- I'm telling you, the main cause of death for birds is airplanes.
R- No. I would think it would be of natural causes.
C- Have you ever seen a bird fly straight into a plane and smack against the window?
R- No, I can't say I have.
C- Well it's a common thing, I'm sure. And a nasty one. The bird would break into many pieces. It's lucky if all of it is found on only one window.
R- You've seen one?
C- No but, Mr. Schnit saw one. It hit the window in front of him. Part of the bir's wong fell onto his window. He had to keep the shade down the whole time.
R- Oh wow. How sad though, for the bird. A quick and tragic death. It's like us running at full speed towards a window and dying on impact. I wonder how many....
*** WE INTERRUPT THIS SKETCH TO BRING YOU A NEW SKETCH***
Scene 2
A- Usher
B- Patron
A- Excuse me, there's no food or drink allowed inside the house. You'll have to take it outside.
B- I don't have any food.
A- Sir, I see some food right there under your chair.
B- I don't see anything.
A- Sir, you're going to have to remove the food.
B- It's not mine.
A- I'm sorry?
B- I found it there. You should ask the people behind me. I saw them bring some in.
A- You have food in your mouth. Do you honestly expect me to believe you?
B- Well you should. Those people could have came in with all that food. (Without you noticing, I might add. What a horrible person you are!)
A- Wha-...
B- They could have stuffed it under my chair, and when I wasn't looking, they grabbed me, held me down and jammed some food in my mouth, so it would look like I was eating it. Then they covered my hands with the food, poured soda on my shirt (to make me look like a slob,) and then you come along, all high and mighty, "Oh look at me! I can boss people around" and yell at me! If you ask me, you should have a talk with the people behind me. This is an outrage to think that I would actually eat food inside of here.
A- Sir! There's no one behind you!
B- Well...they left. They saw you coming, knew I was going to tell on them and left.
A- Sir, just please get rid of the food.
B- What food, I don't see any food.
A- Sir! It's the food you just put in your mouth!
B- Well where did That come from?
A- Under your chair, sir.
B- I told you it's not mine. I found it. What the bloody hell! Do you want me to tell you the story again?
A- Sir, this is your last warning.
B- For what?
A- For the food.
B- What are you going to do? Arrest me? Arrest me for eating food. Oh what a crime! What has the world come to that we must arrest people for eating.
A- Sir.
B- Look! There's a family bring in a pizza!
A- What?!? Where?
B- Yoink!
*Patron leaves*
A- Wait! Bloody bastard...Hey Steve! You want any food? This guy left a whole picnic here. We've got pretzels, popcorn, donuts, cookies...
***AND NOW BACK TO THE OTHER SKETCH***
Scene 3
C- Do you think cats actually eat birds? I mean have you actually seen a domestic cat eat your bird?
A-Nope, I can’t say I have.
B- yes… wait, no. That was the dog.
C- Your dog ate your bird.
B-What? No, I don’t have a bird.
U- Popcorn, pretzels, candy, donuts!
B-What happened to the breath mints?
U-Oh, you left. I came back here and you weren’t around. We’ve got some new food now. Would you like a golden-glazed delicious donut?
B- no that’s…
U- or how ‘bout some popcorn. Salty, buttery good!
B-No, I only wanted some breath mints for my buddies.
U- Or how ‘bout a nice salted pretzel. Mmmm, yum!
B- Oh, alright, hand me a pretzels.
U- That’ll be 3.75.
B-Mmmm. Good deal.
C- Birds die on salt. They eat it and get dehydrated, then plop! Dead.
U- I thought it was ants.
R-I think that’s slugs.
C-Oh slugs too. I don’t know about ants though. That might be true for them. But have you ever seen an ant drink water? Do they actually have water in them so it would be possible for them to dehydrate?
U- well, if they don’t have any water in them then all the more reason for them to die on salt.
R- Well then there’s the way we can rid the world of ants. Salt,. And if ants die on salt then I’m sure all other bugs could die on salt. Oh now that would save a lot of problems.
B- I believe we were talking about birds.
C-Oh yes, birds!
U-Well what about ants?
B- Go do your job!
R- I wonder if salt is the leading cause of death for birds.
C-Well how many birds have you seen die from salt?
R-One too many.
B-This one time, I had dropped my pretzel and a bird came swooping down and ate it! Of course five minutes later he was lying on the ground dead.
C-Are you sure he was dead?
R-Maybe pretzels are the leading cause of death among birds.
C- I mean, maybe his stomach was hurting him from eating a whole pretzel,
R- Or maybe it’s a combination of both salt and pretzels. Biggles, did your pretzel have salt on it?
B- It did. And lots of it.
C- Did you check back in 10 minutes to see if it was there?
R- That’s right!
B- No, I buried it on the spot. Two feet under it lies. God bless its soul.
C-My God, you could have buried it alive!
R-Maybe, if I did an autopsy, I could find out its cause of death.
B- No I assure you it was quite dead.
C- Did you check its pulse?
B- check its pulse? What the hell for? I’m not going to touch a dead bird. How ‘bout if I take you over to where I buried the bird and you can go and check its pulse to see if it’s dead or not.
C- Well it’s obviously dead by now.
R- Oh no, here comes Mr. Heapees.
C- Why’s he coming over here?
R- Well he obviously knows us.
H- Cea, Biggles, Run
R- Hullo
U- Get your coffee! Soda! Ice cream!
H- Ice cream right here!
R- I wonder if worms dehydrate from salt.
H- Thank you.
U- That will be 7.50.
R- If I spread salt all over the place and kill all the bugs, I’m sure some worms will be hurt in the process.
H- 7.50? 7.50 for ice cream. I am Not paying 7.50. Where’s your manager? I want to speak to your manager about it.
R- But if the worms die, then birds who eat the worms will die, and that could become the leading cause of death for birds.
U- It’s where you entered the stadium.
H-Thank you!
B- I’ll give you 1.75 for a cookie.
U- Deal.
B- Well?
U- we don’t have any more.
B- You did before!
U- Yeah, we ran out. Some guy was stuffing them in his mouth.
R- The game’s starting!
C- Bout damn time! I think we’ve been talking for way too long.
B- Okay, $2.00 for ice cream.
U- Alright there you go! But you’re getting a good deal!
R- How did you get the ice cream for so cheap?
B- He’s Mr. Schnit’s son.
FIN
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