Xander Quotes: Season 1Xander: "I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away."
Xander: "We're right behind you, only further back."
Willow: "Personal question?"
Xander: "Yeah, shoot."
Willow: "When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?"
Xander: "Willow, how can you--I mean, that's really bent! She was...grotesque!"
Willow: "Still dug her, huh?"
Xander: "I'm sick. I need help."Willow: "How'd she git it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch."
Xander: "Hmm, Greek myths speak of cloaks and invisibility, but they're usually for the gods."
Buffy, Willow, and Giles: "..."
Xander: "Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!"Xander: "You were looking at my neck."
Angel: "What?"
Xander: "You were checking out my neck, I saw that."
Angel: "No, I wasn't."
Xander: "Just keep your distance, pal."
Angel: "I wasn't looking at your neck."
Xander: "I told you to eat before we left."
Season 2
Buffy: "'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her our meal.'"
Xander: "They're gonna' cook her dinner? Oh, pretend I didn't say that."Xander: "So, are we Bronzing it tonight?"
Willow: "Wednesdays, kinda' beat."
Xander: "Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night."Xander: "So this chair woman, we are talking Ms. Calendar, right?"
Giles: "What makes you think that?"
Xander: "Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her."Willow: "Eric's was a bust. Nothing there."
Xander: "Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious, it even scared me."Xander: "So, Buffy, when's Exchange-O Boy making his appearance?"
Buffy: "His name's Ampata. I'm meeting him at the bus station tomorrow night."
Xander: "Ooh, Sunnydale Bus Depot. Classy. What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with a stench of urine."Xander: "Your English is very bueno."
Ampata: "I listen much."
Xander: "Well, that works out well because I talk much."Ampata: "I like you, too."
Xander: "Really?!"
Ampata: "Really."
Xander: "That's great! Really?!"
Ampata: "Really!"
Xander: "That's great! You're not a preying mantis, are you?"
Ampata: "..."
Xander: "Sorry. Someone else."Xander: "Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?"
Xander: "Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (turns round to see Angel) Hey, man, how ya' doin'?"
Angel: "Buffy."
Buffy: "Angel."
Xander: "Xander."Larry: "You and Buffy. Just friends, right?"
Xander: "I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss."Xander: "Aww, you just need cheering up, and I know just the thing: crazed dance party at the Bronze!"
Buffy: "Oh no."
Xander: "Very calm dance party at the Bronze?"
Buffy: "..."
Xander: "Moping at the Bronze."Xander: "Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flyin'. Were there whores?"
Buffy: "He was alone."
Xander: "Give it time."Cordelia: "I didn't think it was important."
Xander: "We understand. It wasn't about you."Xander: "'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?"
Willow: "I'm kinda' curious to find out what sort of career I can have."
Xander: "What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark."
Willow: "You're not gonna' be young forever."
Xander: "Yes, but I'll always be stupid."
Buffy & Willow: "..."
Xander: "Okay, let's not all rush to disagree."Xander: "Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a hand to the rich and pretty."
Cordelia: "Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice."
Xander: "Is murder always a crime?"Cordelia: "Oh, here I am. 'Personal shopper' or 'motivational speaker'. Neato!"
Xander: "'Motivational speaker'? On what? 'Ten Ways to a More Annoying You'?"Cordelia: "He looked normal!"
Xander: "What, does it take an arrow with the word 'Assassin' over his head?"Cordelia: "I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face."
Xander: "Then go. I'm not stopping you."
Cordelia: "I bet you wouldn't. I bet you'd let a girl go off to doom all by herself."
Xander: "Not just any girl. You're special."Cordelia: "I know what it means...dorkhead!"
Xander: "'Dorkhead'? You slash me with your words!"Xander: "Ah, the dreaded five par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered."
Willow: "It didn't break! How come it didn't break?"
Xander: "Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes."
Willow: "You boiled your young?"
Xander: "Yeah, I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta' be cruel to be kind. I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick-skinned now."Xander: "You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?"
Giles: "Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor."
Xander: "You could have just said 'Shh.' God, are all you Brits such drama queens?"Giles: "If Drusilla is alive, then it would--it could be a fairly...cataclysmic state of affairs."
Xander: "Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say, 'We'd be in trouble'?"
Giles: "Go to class, Xander."
Xander: "Gone! Notice the economy of phrasing. 'Gone': simple, direct."Xander: "I mean, what kind of a future would she have really had with him? She's got two jobs: Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night. And Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly. And he's dreaming of the glory days when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turn-on."
Willow: "You've thought way too much about this."
Xander: "No, no, that's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town in my private jet and take Buffy out for prime rib?"Xander: "Let's go."
Cordelia: "And do what? Besides be afraid and die?"
Xander: "Well, nobody's asking you to go, Cordelia. If the vampires need grooming tips, we'll give you a call."
Cordelia: "I know, you were too busy rushing off to die for your beloved Buffy. You'd never die for me."
Xander: "No, I might die from you. Does that get me any points?"Xander: "Whoa, whoa! I...I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan."
Xander: "Just meet me at Willow's house in half an hour and wear something trashy...er."
Cordelia: "Well, does looking at guns make you wanna' have sex?"
Xander: "I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna' have sex."Amy: "Intent has to be pure with love spells."
Xander: "Right, I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow."Xander: "I have a plan. We'll use me as bait."
Buffy: "You mean, make Angel come after you?"
Xander: "No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at, 'cause it would be more fun than my life."Willow: "People grow apart. They grow closer."
Xander: "This is good. How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I could even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?"Drusilla: "Your face is a poem. Oh, I can read it."
Xander: "Really? It doesn't say, "spare me" by any chance?"
Drusilla: "How do you feel about eternal life?"
Xander: "We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?"Xander: "Hey, how come Buffy doesn't get a snotty 'once again you boil it down to the simplest form' thing?"
Giles: "..."
Xander: "Watcher's pet."Buffy: "Nonvampire. Plus two."
Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!"Xander: "This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'"
Giles: "Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate description of a poltergeist."
Xander: "I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learnin'."Willow: "This is freaky. I don't remember ever seeing Giles be this way."
Xander: "I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-from-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's, like, Cling-to-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy."Xander: "Your dreams are getting wicked accurate, Buff. You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash or possibly knowing the love of a woman...in a full body sense?"
Willow: "I made us all scapulas."
Xander: "Okay, so we can flip the ghost when it turns a nice golden brown?"Xander: "He actually told you to alter his grade?"
Willow: "Exactly...except for actually telling me to. But he made it perfectly clear of what he wasn't telling me."
Xander: "That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our D's."Cordelia: "I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way, you're not falling back on something. You're falling...well, forward."
Xander: "And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?"
Xander: "Tell Angel I'm gonna' kill him. No, wait. I'm gonna' kill you! Die! Die!
Die! Aahhh--bwoosh! Mother?"
Cordelia: "Is that it?"
Xander: "That's it. Scene."Xander: "Hi! For those of you who've just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person."
Cordelia: "Xander has a point."
Xander: "You know, just for once I wish you would support me and I realize right now that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna' get back to the point."Xander: "Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."
Season 3
Cordelia: "Where do I hide?"
Xander: "You don't hide - you're bait. Go act bait-y."
Cordelia: "What's the plan?"
Xander: "The vampire attacks you."
Cordelia: "And then what?"
Xander: "The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice."Buffy: "Well, it's a long story."
Xander: "So skip the heartwarming stuff about kindly old people and saving the farm and get right to the dirt."Willow: "Ooh! Candy bars! Lots of 'em!"
Xander: "Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren't visited by the ghost of Christmas past by any chance?"Xander: "I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff--never mind."
Xander: "If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy, and then I'll make my move. As long as my move doesn't involve standing up or using my limbs, we'll be okay."
Buffy: "You got plans?"
Xander: "I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans."
Buffy: "No luck reaching Cordelia?"
Xander: "I've left a few messages. 60... 70..."Evil Willow: "Hmm, Buffy. Ooh, scary."
Evil Xander: "Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts."Buffy: "Is Willow around?"
Xander: "How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is."
Buffy: "Those her books?"
Xander: "Yeah, she's in the bathroom."Willow: "I have stuff in my locker. Henbane, hellebore, mandrake root."
Xander: "Excuse me. Playboys. Can we turn the sympathy this way?"Oz: "Fairy tales are real."
Xander: "Wait, Hansel and Gretel? Breadcrumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?"
Giles: "Of course. It makes perfect sense."
Xander: "I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow for some beans. No one else is seeing the funny here."Willow: "Are you okay?"
Xander: "Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."
Buffy: "Xander, one of these days you're gonna get yourself hurt."
Faith: "Or killed."
Buffy: "Or both. And, you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent."
Xander: "Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?"
Faith: "Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all."
Xander: "I think you'll find that was more of a bellow."Girl: "I want to go for a ride. I'm bored."
Xander: "Oh, gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you."Faith: "you up for it?"
Xander: "Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before."Xander: "Should have learned by now. If you're gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later... I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk."
Willow: "Rejection I can handle 'cause of the years of training, but this..."
Xander: "I feel your pain, Will. Like right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing fields of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the corndog emporium, so..."Cordelia: "That's so cute. Planning life as a loser? Most people just turn out that way, but you're really taking charge."
Xander: "The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear."
Cordelia: "Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job."
Xander: "I'm not gonna waste the perfect come-back on you now. But don't think I don't have it. Oh, yes, its time will come."Xander: "'I love when you talk, Wesley. I love when you sing, Wesley.' Can you say the words 'jail bait,' Wesley? Limey bastard."
Xander: "You know how some people hate to say 'I told you so'? Not me. I told you so. Angel's back, in the really bad sense. And, um, I told you so."
Wesley: "We must contact Giles immediately.
Xander: "Good thinkin'. Let's waste time with a lively debate. Leave Buffy alone, see how dead she gets."Buffy: "You beat up Willy?"
Xander: "Sure. Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure, or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then-- Okay, I bribed him."Xander: "I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a 'good' way. It's a 'good' bruise."
Willow: "According to Freddy's latest editorial, 'The pep rally is a place for pseudo-prostitutes to provoke men into a sexual frenzy, which, when thwarted, results in pointless athletic competition.'"
Xander: "And the down-side being?"Xander: "What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!"
Buffy: "God, Xander, is that all you think about?"
Xander: "Actually? 'Bye!"Wesley: "This box must be destroyed."
Xander: "I need a volunteer to hit Wesley."
Anya: "Now I have all these "feelings". I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really want to go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me."
Xander: "Be still my heart. Oh, wait, it is."Anya: "So, I was wondering, maybe if you're free this weekend, maybe we could do some... entertaining thing."
Xander: "Would that be along the lines of you telling me about all the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause, pencil me in."
Anya: "We could watch sports of some kind."
Xander: "Uh, I don't know."
Anya: "Men like sports. I'm sure of it."
Xander: "Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?"Xander: "Here's your coffee, brewed from the finest Columbian lighter fluid."
Giles: "Thank you. Horrible."
Xander: "Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?"
Giles: "Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense."
Xander: "OK. But you're destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here."Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley."
Xander: "Uh... inbreeding?"
Xander: "Well, it's just good to know that when the chips are down and things look grim, you'll feed on the girl who loves you to save your own ass."
Buffy: "You and Xander are going to have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?"
Xander: "I'm still Key Guy, right?"
Buffy: "Right."
Xander: "Great. Then Angel, in his non-Key Guy capacity, can work with me."
Angel: "What fun."
Xander: "Hey, Key Guy's still talking."
Quotes Seasons 4&5