50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

• Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
• After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
• After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
• Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
• Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
• Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
• If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
• Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
• Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
• Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
• Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
• Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
• Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
• Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
• Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
• Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
• Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
• Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
• Address students as "worms".
• Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
• Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
• Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
• Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
• Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
• Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
• Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
• Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
• Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
• Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
• Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
• Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
• Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
• Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
• Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
• Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
• Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
• Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
• Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
• Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
• Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
• Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
• Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
• Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
• Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
• Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
• Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
• Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
• Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
• Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
• Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

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