AND WHEN

And when he says,
I love you,
my heart jumps a beat.
And when he leans in close,
and kisses me,
I am oblivious to the world.
And when we are apart,
I cannot feel.
And I love him more than anything,
he is my everything.

I'm not into sappy love poems,
for years I've forgotten what it was to love.
I'm not into long romantic stories,
for yeaers I've forgotten what romance is.
But now that he is here,
and he's holding me next to him,
I cannot help but feel like I must give him everything.

He is my saviour,
in this long and lonely road called life...
He is my light,
in this dark hallway
and he is the one,
who has stolen my heart.

I wish he were here,
every moment of the day,
it tears my heart,
to know that I can't stay.
I love him more than anything in the world
And it's him my heart still yearns for.

Closer we come, next to each other,
we touch lips and the fire explodes inside of me.
I can't stop holding him
for fear he'll be gone,
I wish he could still be here,
holding me tight,
keeping me warm thru the cold, cold night.

But, I'll wait,
for the next time I see him,
and I'll hope that I could possibly express
my love for him
Even though, it's not possible,
to show an ocean of love, in the matter of a few hours
I'll never stop loving him...
I'll never let go.

And when we say goodbye,
I'll encircle him in my arms,
and hold him tight.
And when the train whistle blows,
I'll cry a silent tear,
and I'll die inside.

And when I leave,
and go back to my drear reality,
I'll miss him with a passion beyond belief,
and I'll never stop loving him.
And when I kiss him goodbye,
I'll smile and promise to come back some day,
and I'll make sure to stay.

And when I leave,
I can't turn back,
because I'd just run into his outstretched arms,
and take my rightful place with him.
And when I get on that seat....
I'll wave goodbye,
and...I'll cry.  Inside.



ive often wondered about the deamons coming in the pale skirts of midnight
i never really paid attention to them tho i knew they were coming (and they came)
and it made me sick to see myself all broken down
i couldnt get a grip on my dour self as i slipped
into my state of disbelief

dont even think for a second
dont you put your filth guilt on me
dont you put your filthy hands on me
dont you say you ever belived in me
when you did nothing but lead me
into a forrest of nothing but darkness
with no thought, regardless of my heart?
relentless

something is broken and i cant recover

i saw the waves were crashing 
my arms were bleeding
my eyes decieved me
my eyes will bleed
to trust is to sleep
to trust to deceive

something is broken and i cant recover

ive never felt so alone 
where i couldnt face tomorrow
because the sting of today
has left me here in dismay
just reccolecting under my sheets of green

i promised myself never to shed a tear 
for you and all that were alike
so i turn away, and i never look back
ill never do that again, forgive me

so i saved myself from fucking misery
that lingers reputeed relation
im failing to function because of temptation
i should of killed myself
dont talk to me about your love....



Child

I turned around a moment ago.
I saw this little girl.
She was standing there, looking at me.  
Eyes wide, hair, without a curl.  

I saw wonder in her eyes.  
Like I've never seen before.  
And childhood innocence, with deep awe, 
reminding me of days of yore.

I saw the questions, 
couched in each lovely eye.
Will I live to see tomorrow?
Or, will I ,shortly die?

Will I be famous, 
like a movie star?
Or will I be unimportant,
From society be far?

Will I find, to my desire,
My perfect everlasting love?
Or will I wait, and wait some more,
For the one that doesn't come and should of.

I looked down deeper,
And saw what was really there.
I saw hurt, pain and lonliness..
And, most of all, despair.

I wondered what had happened to this child..
For those innocent eyes were so misleading.
She makes a great actress, 
smiling, when inside, she is bleeding.

So, while I looked down deep,
into this child's eyes,
I searched through my intelligence,
For the answer, in disguise.

But, how could I answer these questions,
that she most desperately wanted me to?
When I myself, know not the answers,
And wished that for me, she knew.

I turned away, from this little girl.
Surprised indeed, to find that,
When I turned my head & took a seat,
She did likewise and sat.

Hmm, I pondered.
Could this really be?
Could this confused and lonely girl,
In a mirror and reality, be me?



COLD WORLD

The wind blows in an uncomfortable chill,
my mind is dark with depression.
I pull my cloak around me, tighter,
Yet nothing can keep away this ill feel of transgression.

I dream of the days of warm sunshine,
when I was happy and free.
I think about the fun I had,
when I was free to be me.

But now I sit, alone in the world,
Which seems to be a dark, deserted alley.
I see all the trash around,
making me feel filthy and dirty.

I see my past as only a small children's book,
filled with happy endings to the story.
But now, the present is like a horror movie,
Bloody, disgusting, and gory.

The wind grows even more bitter,
it chills me to the bone.
I hear someone calling my name,
yet, I am all alone.

I look around for the voice,
but I see nothing nor anyone.
I seek for the source of the sound,
because, maybe, they are having fun.

I run to the edge of my sanity,
there is nowhere to go.
I scream so loud it hurts my ears,
and I look for something to throw.

I pick up a rock and throw it far,
But, I feel no release inside.
I cry, as I stand there angry & bleeding,
feeling as if nothing helped, no matter how hard I tried.

I wish this feeling would go away, 
I wish I could be happy again.
I want to run away from the gore and horror.
And get away from the criticizing eyes of these men.

Oh, how I wish I could end it all,
with one final, fatal slash.
But then my body would be nothing 
more than another lump in this trash.

So, I must continue on,
thru this evil plot.
I'll watch as all this disgusting irony,
releases itself on my lot.

I'll lift my head,
as they throw acid at my eyes.
I'll pick up one foot, then the next,
Searching for the prize.

But, will it be a prize I find,
once I reach the end?
Or will it be some thuggish fiend,
against which I must defend?

No one will know,
what the future will hold.
It could be life or love,
or misery.  But, I must be bold.

As I walk down this path,
I'll pass gore and pain.
I will choke back my gorge,
and continue thru this bloody rain.



DIDN'T

I didn't go to sleep last night.
Probably cuz I didn't know how.
I didn't go to sleep last night,
And I don't know why.

Maybe I'm afraid of the nightmares.
Maybe I hate my taunting dreams of love.
Maybe I wish I didn't have to sleep.
Maybe I wish that forever I could.

I didn't talk to anyone today.
Probably   they didn't talk to me.
I didn't talk to anyone today,
And I wonder why.

Maybe I am too shy.
Maybe people don't like me.
Maybe I'm afraid of them.
Maybe they're afraid of me.

I didn't feel alive today.
Probably   I was tired.
I didn't feel alive today.
And I whisper, "Why?!"

Maybe I was depressed.
Maybe I was sick.
Maybe I was alone again.
Maybe I slit my wrists.



THE DIFFERENCE

enough to drop it all
enough to leave them
enough to give it all up
enough to not care
enough to change
enough to lose sight
enough to hold
enough to try again

He doesn't.


HE

I feel so dirty
I feel so un-right.
I feel so self-centered,
I feel.  I.
Some people think
he's not right
some people think
that I'm wrong
and they just don't know 
how good he is to me
how good.
My medicine for when I'm sick
My tall glass of cold water when I'm thirsty
My escape from insanity for a while.

How is it right,
to love someone,
that everyone thinks is wrong?
How is it wrong,
to love someone,
who makes you feel right?

Who says who I can and can't love
Who says who I will and won't?
Who says who is 'right' for me?
Who says but me?

I care for all my friends, 
but this person touched my life in a more special way
How could he hurt me?
How could he have done what the others say?
Who is right?  
I am wrong.

They don't mean to hurt my feelings,
when they say what they do.
They don't want anything but for me to be happy,
but I -was- until they stepped in.
I want to run away,
into his outstretched arms
I want to be held,
in his loving affection.
I want to know, that he is there
I want to feel him there beside me.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring,
and I really don't care.
I know that he will love me
I know that he will care.
I know that he will be there for me,
if I know, then why am I scared?

If I know...then why am I 
scared?

Who could have known,
that my paradise would turn into a prison?
In my eyes.
Who could have known, 
that my guardian would become my guard?
In my eyes.
Who could have known,
that my love would become my poison?
In their eyes.
Who could have known?

Stop me from crying,
cuz I'll let loose a river.
Stop them from criticizing,
because I hurt so much already.
Stop them from pointing,
I know I'm wrong.
Stop them, stopping me.

Suicidal tendencies draw me back
to solve the problem, 
get rid of its source.
But I hold on.
What's the point anymore?

They say that he is irresponsible
they say that he is wrong for me
they say that he is hurting me
But I love him
I love him more than I've loved myself
And I don't want him to go.
I don't want him to leave.
I don't want to live my life,
settling for what I get
and not taking what I want.

When they ask me what I want to do
I can't answer truthfully,
because I don't want to hurt
If they ask me what I need,
I neglect to mention the one thing most important to me,
cuz they just don't understand.

So how am I to make them?
How am I to convince them?
To tell them
that by them trying to keep me away from the 'poison' 
they're killing off the last of me.

I need to feel him
I need to see him
I need to hold him.
If I weren't so tired....
I'd run after him.
If I weren't so all alone, 
I could stand up to it.
But I'm not.
I'm not.


EYES

Deep, long hallways.
Echoing corridors.
Shh, don't disturb.
Deeply troubled.
Sick, dying.
Shh, don't awaken.
Pools of Love,
Awaiting cupid's arrow.
Shh, don't dissappoint.
An ugly mask.
Pain, horror.
Shh, don't spook.
The Grim Reaper,
On a pale Horse.
Shh, don't obstruct.
I can see all this (why can't others?!)
When I look down deep,
Into the torchured windows of my soul.
1/6/97

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