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Nature Philosophy/Proverbs Phobias Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/English Reading Religion/Beliefs/God Science/Answers Self-esteem Sins Sleep Slogans Song Title Statistics Steven Wright Stupidity/Ignorance Temptation Wit Women Words Work


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Nature

~" To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab."
- Fran Lebowitz


Philosophy/Proverbs

~" Want a thing long enough and you don't."
- Chinese Proverb

~" If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water."
- Bulgarian Proverb

~" Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead, the scenery never changes."
- Lewis Gizzard

~" Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery."
- Andy Warhol

~" Life. It's full of such sadness and sorrow, sometimes I think it's better not to be born at all!...But how many people do you meet in a lifetime who were that lucky?"
- Yiddish Saying

~" Life is something you do when you can't go to sleep."
- Fran Lebowitz

~" Philosophy is the art of bewildering oneself methodically."
- Heathiana


Phobias

~" Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of."
- Robert Benchley


Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/English

~" The exclamation mark is the literary equivalent of a man holding up a card reading LAUGHTER to a studio audience."
- Miles Kingston

~" English spelling is unusual because our language is a rich verbal tapestry woven together from the tongues of the Greeks, the Latins, the Angles, the Klaxtons, the Celtics, the 76'ers and many other ancient peoples, all of whom had drinking problems."
- Dave Barry


Reading

~" I have only ever read one book in my life, and that is 'White Fang'. It's so frightfully good I've never bothered to read another."
- Nancy Mitford


Religion/God/Beliefs

~" If I had been the virgin Mary I would have said. 'no.'"
- Stevie Smith

~" God sneezed. What could I say to him?"
- Henny Youngman

~" Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.."
- Lily Tomlin

~" I was a very wicked child. I had a praying mantis that I converted to an agnostic."
- Bill Cosby

~" I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
- Dick Gregory


Science/Answers

~" The rule of accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps if you know the answer."
- John Peer


Self-Esteem

~" Love and sex can go together and sex and unlove can go together and love and unsex can go together. But personal love and personal sex is bad."
- Andy Warhol

~" He that is too proud to ask is too good to recieve."
- Thomas Fuller

~" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I already know that I'm the sap."
- Fred Allen


Sins

~" A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself."
- Henri Dubois

~" Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
- Jules Fieffer


Sleep

~" The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more."
- Wilson Mizener

~" Sleep is death without the responsibility."
- Fran Lebowitz


Slogans

~" You gotta live somewhere."
- Jimmy Brogan, suggesting a motto for Cleveland, Ohio


Song Title

~" I Feel So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here"
Stephen Bishop


Statistics

~" Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
- Fletcher Knebel


Steven Wright

~" I went into a place to eat. It said "Breakfast Anytime," so I ordered French toast during the renaissance."

~" I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add."

~" It's a good thing there's gravity or else when birds died, they'd stay where they were."

~" One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."


Stupidity/Ignorance

~" He had been kicked in the head when young and believed everything he read in the Sunday papers."
- George Ade


Temptation

~" Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself."
- Rita Mae Brown

~" I can resist everything but temptation."
- Oscar Wilde


Wit

~" Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use ear plugs?"
- Spike Milligan

~" One day I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
-Groucho Marx


Women

~" The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man."
- Madame De Stael

~" Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels."
- Faith Whittlesey

~" A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem


Words

~" One night I asked my nurse if she could think of a seven-letter word in which the letter U appears three times. She sighed and said 'It's probably unusual.' I told her it was and it wasn't, and she slipped out of the room."
- James Thurber

~" The amoeba contributed almost nothing to the development of love - unless you want to consider that trivial song 'Amoeba Wrong, But I Think You're Wonderful.'"
- Groucho Marx


Work

~" I like work: it fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart."
- Jerome K. Jerome

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