If you came here looking for what my criteria is for the award, I'm afraid that there isn't one. This is not an award for any sort of excellence. It is for oddness. That's not something that is easily defined. I just know when I see it.

I can tell you what I'm not looking for.

• I despise frames. I utterly loathe them. But that doesn't matter, if your page is odd, I'll still give it an award. I just like bitching about how much those idiotic things piss me off.

• You don't have to sign my guestbook. For one thing, it's the only thing on this site that I knowingly leave up that doesn't work. It's a testament to the fact that no amount of e-mailing Lpage could get them to fix it or even respond. But even if it did work, what the hell does that have to do with you getting an award? I present this award to pages that I believe will amuse the people that visit this site. I could care less if an applicant explores my site or leaves some ego (mine) gratifying message. So, if you are here to just submit your site so that you can get the award and then leave right away, well, that's entirely cool with me. Good luck.

• You don't have to tell me why you think you deserve this award. If that mattered in the least, I'd just let you take the gif and pop it on your page because you thought it belonged there. For me to ask you that question would be incredibly lazy on my part. It's my page and I have to decide who is and who is not odd enough for the award. I haven't become so lazy yet that I won't visit a page for myself to take a look.

• If your page crashes my browser more than once, I will not be back. Sure, Java and Javascript are cool. I use it on this page. But, if the page pops up a bunch of those error boxes, takes more than an ice age to load or makes Netscape take a dump one too many times, I am out of there.

Things you can do to increase your odds of being odd.

• Send me naked photos of yourself. Even if you're really ugly. I might even put some of those black strips over your naughty bits and post them here so we can all have a good chuckle.

• Buy me stuff. I like stuff.

• Nothing says "I love you" like cash.

Q. So, when is this idiot going to tell us how to get the award?
A. Um, right now.

Q. Well, you twit, how?
A. Just e-mail your url and the name of your page and I'll take a look at it.

Q. Can you believe how dense this guy is? Maybe we could have the address?
A. Oh, sure, sorry. It's apower@uoft02.utoledo.edu

Q. I guess it's almost as simple as you are then?
A. Uh, er, I guess it is.

This conclude the mouthbreathing interview portion of today's program.

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