I also have a tattoo on my ankle, but no one ever wants to take a picture of it...I wonder why ???
Ok, so you want to know more huh ??? Well, alright then you asked for it.
I am a dynamic
figure, often seen cutting high grass and crushing ice with a hammer.
I have been known to reconfigure x-ray cathodes on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention, and easier to blow-up (i.e. I can go home early).
I
translate ethnic slurs for Iranian refugees (does that make me bi-lingual ?).
I write award-winning toilet-stall poetry.
I manage time efficiently, (after 12:00pm).
Occasionally, I drink water for three
days in a row.
I woo the multitudes with my sensuous and godlike harmonica playing.
I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed (strapped to the top of my car), and I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies
in twenty minutes...their good that way, really !
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in three counties.
Using only a shovel and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
beach in the Gulf of Mexico from a horde of ferocious killer mosquitos.
I play classical music on the radio while watching MTV.
I was once scouted by
the Mets (not to play on the team silly !).
I am the subject of numerous office conversations.
When I'm bored, I build large
shrines to ancient forgotten gods.
I enjoy urban fatigues made into purses.
On Wednesdays, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a gene-pool analyst, and a
ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of "slippery-when-wet" evening wear.
I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, and
yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number 101 and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured the housing projects with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat
.400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. Animals trust me. Men trust me. (...do I see a pattern emerging here?)
I can hurl tennis rackets (and darts) at an opponent's head with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield all in one day and still had time
to re-arrange the entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket (now you have to be impressed by that one).
I have performed several covert, or was it extro-vert, operations for the MPD.
I sleep 12 hrs. a day, every day, without having to get up and pee.
While on vacation in Florida, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. It was 2 for 1 cookie day and those bad boys HAD TO GO.
The laws of physics
do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid, well the important ones anyway.
On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered
the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course
meals using only chopsticks and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning guppies.
I have been set on fire, ran over by my own car and shot at by an angry grandmother.
I once had a transvesite tell me I looked pretty good as a woman.
I have won
bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet. I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with
Elvis,...several times...recently. Well hell you've kept reading this far, just thought I'd try it.
"If you wish to be a success in the world,
promise everything and deliver nothing."
-Napoleon