So, you want to be an Evil Overlord
first found in Fantasy-L mailing list
also found on INTERNUTS Digest V01 #47
It seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all
sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil
Overlord I've heard about invariably gets overthrown and destroyed
in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are
barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every
single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord...
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas
visors, not face-concealing ones that can hide the enemy.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies and should be done ASAP.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
say "No" and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then
say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my master plan
will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do
Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will
not clearly be labeled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting
his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-
offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot
soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated
and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless --my troops will not be overrun by a
handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I
AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for
one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to
my bed chamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For
the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member
of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out the
attacking leader among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-
travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
"And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill
some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the
advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well," and
kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be
used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals -- The
flames will be constant!
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to
be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly
marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution
Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage
Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad
for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating
that sequence will trigger the death ray.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures
of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if
one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other
will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering ar ound a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon
instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for
them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on
top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and
attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will
also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain
enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out
of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
The command will be "And try to take him alive -- unless he
resists."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger
ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind
me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks
for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse."
Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever
holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the
weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in
this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma
team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel
on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
forced them together against their will and they spend all their
time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to at least
1.45Mb in size so that it won't conveniently fit on a single
diskette.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access and, of course, free e-mail!
So, Overlord Number 
you think you have what it takes?
Well, eat death-ray.
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa! Man, these people amuse me!
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