Hungry for More!? A-Z by Steven Wright


Body Parts

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Children

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
When ever I'm around a little baby, I always write down the noise he's making so that years later I can ask him what he meant.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
I was born cesarean. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go out through the window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

Clothing

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Driving

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honour, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Electricity & Batteries

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
What do batteries run on?
I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
I had no electricity in my house - no lights, I couldn't see what I was doing. Good thing my camera had a flash. To make a sandwich, I had to take 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police -- they thought there was lightning in my house.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Everything

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Feelings

You know when you sit on a chair, lean back on two legs, and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? Well, I feel like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Firearms

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

Flying

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
One night a jet flew too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

Food

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Last time I went to the movies, I got thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was the concession prices where outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue for a long time.

God

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

House & Home

I had my coathangers spayed.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it.
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. Couldn't believe it. Called my roommate in and told him all my stuff was an exact replica, what do you think? He said, do I know you?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Jobs & Hobbies

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I worked in a health food store, but got fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short ...
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I used to be a proof reader for a skywriting company.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Language & Writing

Is "tired old cliché" one?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
The first time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I've written several children's books. Not on purpose.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

Light & Shadow

My night light is a searchlight. If I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I have to time it so I don't get caught.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I like to bring a flashlight to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Machinery

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Math

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

Memory

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I had amnesia once or twice.

Mirrors

I broke a mirror in my house. It's supposed to get me seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I won't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Misc.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I was on a chair lift with a guy I didn't know. He said it was the first time he'd been skiing in ten years. I said "why?" He said "because I've been in jail, you wanna know why?" I said "not really." He said "I pushed a total stranger off a ferris wheel." I said "I remember you."
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I know when I'm going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
I bought one of those glass balls with snow in it that you turn upside down. Mine has a little plow in it that comes out and does the roads.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
How young can you die of old age?
Sometimes you can't hear me because sometimes I talk in parentheses.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I was doing peyote when I took my SATs. I got 1800.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
What are imitation rhinestones?
I took a baby shower.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I love the Stones! I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years. I watch 'em whenever I can, Fred and Barney.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
The sky already fell. Now what?
My girlfriend got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. Her father is the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.

Money

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
Why it is a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Museums

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Nudity

My school color was clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Paint

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Sex

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Shopping

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you have anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Sleep

My girl friend has a queen sized bed, I have a court jester size bed. It's red and green and has bells on it. The ends curl up.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Songs

I bought an album that teaches you Spanish while you sleep. During the night the record skipped, so now I can only stutter in Spanish.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
(h3>Sponges Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
I made a bathing suit out of sponges. I went swimming, but when I got out no one could swim any more, so I went back.

Sports

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I was watching the Super Bowl with my 92-year-old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

Telephones

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I called the wrong number today. I said is Joey there? A women answered and said yes, he is. I said, can I speak to him please? She said no, he can't talk right now, he's only two months old. I said all right, I'll wait.

Time

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
A guy asked me if I knew what time it was; I said yes, but not right now.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Toys

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Trees

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it funny?
Nearby is a forest. Not just any forest, but a forest where they get paneling. It was a long thin forest.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

Water

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I like to tease my plants when I water them -- I water them with ice cubes.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
Take me to your leader.....