Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or Atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

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