I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "That 70's Show". They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Casey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode "That Disco Episode". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
(The gang is in Eric's basement playing cards.)
Eric: The game is Anaconda. (He starts to pass out cards.) Big Ace, Eight Ball, Red Lady, Jackson, High Brow, Wild Man…
Jackie: Oh my god, Michael! They opened up a disco!
Kelso: Where at?
Jackie: In Kenosha. You could wear your David Bowie butt huggers. (She starts dancing like a fool.)
Hyde: Michael, that would be super!
Kelso: Laugh if you want, man, but my butt looks pretty good in those.
Eric: Come on. Are you guys crazy? I mean, a disco? No way.
Donna: I dunno, it might be fun to go dancing.
Eric: Oh, we could go!
Kelso: I got nothing, I fold.
(Jackie is still dancing like a lunatic.)
Hyde: Well, man, if you're out, go make some popcorn.
(Kelso gets up and walks past the madly swaying Jackie.)
Hyde: Take her with you.
(Kelso and Jackie go upstairs.)
Fez: What is disco?
Hyde: Disco is from hell, ok? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live.
(Donna leans over and looks at Kelso's cards.)
Eric: 'Scuse me, what are you doing?
Donna: Looking at Kelso's cards.
Eric: That's cheating.
Jackie: (From upstairs) Eric! I can't find the popcorn!
(Eric jumps up to go help, stops, and turns around.)
Eric: Hey, um, Donna, why don't you take a little look at my cards, then you won't have to wait for me to leave. (He tries to stick his cards in her face, but she bats his arm out of the way.) No, come on, take a look. Take a look, tell me what I have, you cheater! (He holds his cards right in her face despite her trying to shove him away.)
Donna: You got nothing!
Eric: Yeah, and I'm gonna bluff, so watch out!
(He runs upstairs.)
Fez: Donna has stuff for Eric, yes?
Hyde: Not stuff, thing. Donna has a thing for Eric. (Laughs) Why do you have a thing for Eric?
Donna: He makes me laugh, he doesn't ask me stupid questions. He's smart, and, you know.
Hyde: No, I don't know.
Fez: I know! (He raises his hand, and Hyde points at him to "call" on him.) It is because Eric is noble, and a woman wants her first love making to be in the arms of a man she can trust!
Donna: Fez?
Fez: Yes.
Donna: Go make popcorn.
(Theme song plays.)
(Eric, Red and Kitty are eating in the Forman's kitchen.)
Eric: I want to talk to you about my curfew on Saturday. We're going to a disco in Kenosha.
Kitty: Ooh, Disco dancing in Kenosha. That's quite a drive! Ha, ha, ha.
Eric: Can I push my curfew to two?
Kitty: Mmm…
Eric: Or one thirty?
Kitty: Mmm…
Eric: Or one?
Kitty: Done!
Red: So! Who's going?
Kitty: Oh, Donna, I'm sure, they're practically dating.
Eric: Can I have some gas money?
Red: Dating? Since when?
Eric: Mom, we're not dating.
Kitty: Why not? She likes you.
Eric: Thanks mom. About that gas money…
Kitty: Well, now, she is interested, I can tell! And dancing is the quickest way to a gal's heart! Remember, Red, when we used to go dancing at the Avalon on Macana Island?
(Red nods.)
Eric: Oh, Macana! Now that's quite a drive! I bet the mileage is just… (Gestures indicating bigness.)
Kitty: (Singing) Oh, oh! Volare! Oh! Volare! Oh, oh! (She gets up and starts dancing.)
Red: You see what you did? You got your mother started!
(Camera pans to a shot of all three of them, Eric and Red eating while Kitty is dancing around and singing.)
(Hyde, Fez, Eric, and Kelso are in the Forman's garage collecting stuff to recycle. Red walks in.)
Hyde: Man, I can't believe you and Jackie are dragging everybody to that disco. So sad.
Kelso: No, I'm just going to meet Kenosha chicks. Breakin' up with Jackie.
Fez: Oh, get a tall chick! Because you and Jackie look so silly together!
Eric: Ok, that's all the deposit bottles and the aluminum cans. We gotta have at least…a dollar fifteen worth of gas.
Kelso: Come on. My dad's got a ton of empties.
(Eric, Kelso, and Fez leave.)
Hyde: Man, I can't believe they're gonna waste all their money on a stupid disco when they could buy a really big bag…(He stops, realizes he's in the same room as a parent, and changes his thought.) of caramels. (he starts to leave.)
Red: Not going to that disco, huh?
Hyde: No. Phony people listening to crappy music does not sound like my kinda time.
Red: You can't dance, can you?
Hyde: I can dance.
Red: Oh, I don't think so, pal.
Hyde: I can dance.
Red: Not one step.
Hyde: You're right, not one step.
Red: Well, then you got a problem, son. Cause women wanna dance. They always wanna dance. Always.
Hyde: Why?
Red: Cause. They can get close and wiggle their bodies around in front of a man in a safe atmosphere.
Hyde: See, I don't really wanna wiggle around in public.
Red: Well, of course not. You're a man. My point is, you're going to have to learn. Otherwise later on in life, you're gonna be wiggling all by yourself. Now if you want, I can help you out.
(Kitty and Hyde are in the Forman's living room.)
Kitty: Ok, now, that was good, ok, let's try it again. Ok? Now. Left, right, left, turn and step. (Hyde goes off to one side.) Ok.
Hyde: I can't keep up with music, Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: (laughs) Now, lets not get discouraged! I am just gonna turn this music off! Now! You follow me. Ok. You can do this. Ok. Left, right, left, turn and step! Ha ha! Ooh…no! No! No! Look at me, not at your feet. Ok, you know what, now, now, put your arm around me. Yeah, a little bit lower, put your hand in the small of my back. You feel how you can guide me?
Hyde: Yeah! Yeah…
Kitty: Ok, ok. Left, r…you're leading! Ah ha ha! Ok, now. Tell me where to move with your hand. Uh-huh. Left, right, left, turn, uh-huh, ok, eye contact in the turn, ok, ok, and…dip! (She leans back and falls over) Ok, well now let's just do it again.
(Cut to Bob walking into the Forman's kitchen carrying a thermos.)
Bob: Hello! Anybody home? I'm bringing back your thermos! (He opens the door to the living room where Hyde has Kitty held under him.)
Kitty: Mm, put your hand there. Oh, that is perfect! You are just too grand!
(Bob is shocked and goes outside. Kitty and Hyde come into the kitchen.)
Kitty: Oh, I am exhausted! That is sweaty work!
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, I'd really appreciate it if maybe we didn't tell anybody what we were doing here.
Kitty: Oh, mum is the word! (She pretends to lock her lips and throw away the key.) Tomorrow after school, kay?
Hyde: Thanks.
Kitty: And Steven? You were good.
(Bob is astonished and just stands in horror.)
(Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Michael are down in the basement getting high.)
Hyde: Ok, I thought about it. And I'm going to the disco! Just on the off chance that they might mix up a little rock'n'roll, man.
Kelso: Yeah? Well, I have something to say. I went to the mall today, and I bought a…pair of new shoes, and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!
Eric: So, no more for Kelso, he's toasted!
Fez: I would like some toast if you are making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!
Hyde: Oh, I read somewhere there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah! (laughs) And their minds are so advanced, they could actually think themselves to death, man!
Kelso: Whoa. I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about!
Eric: Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here, but then later I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant man!
Fez: Someone go make toast right now.
Hyde: Hey, we should record our conversation, man! Yeah! Then we could play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!
Kelso: Yeah, well, I read somewhere that there's these people in France!
Hyde: What do they do?
Kelso: You see, they are incredibly…French!
Eric: See, that's brilliant, man! I'm getting the tape recorder! (He goes upstairs)
Fez: Where's my toast, you idiots?
(Cut to Eric in the kitchen. He's got the tape recorder slung over his shoulder and is getting out bread. Red walks in.)
Red: Eric!
Eric: Yeah, dad. (He turns and looks at his father, and the wall behind him is crawling up and down.)
Red: Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night, so if you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll uh, pay you ten dollars.
Eric: (Tries to adjust his eyes, but the wall is still crawling.) Sure I can do that.
Red: Now, I need you to sweep the garage, clean the leaves out of the gutters, pick up the dry cleaning, and uh, fix that shelf in the pantry. Uh, run that back to me.
Eric: Oh, kay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves…
Red: Dry cleaning.
Eric: Yeah.
Red: The gutters.
Eric: Fix the gutters.
Red: Clean, clean the gutters.
Eric: Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves.
Red: The garage.
Eric: Fix the garage.
Red: Sweep it.
Eric: Sweep.
Red: Listen, I'm not gonna pay you ten dollars for nothing!
Eric: Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters, fix the shelf.
Red: Do that, and you've got yourself gas money.
Eric: Didn't you say something about leaves?
Red: They're in the gutters.
Eric: Right. Pick 'em up. Clean 'em up! I…gotta make toast.
(Hyde and Kitty are dancing in the living room to various music, swing, mambo, rhumba. Bob and Midge peek through their blinds.)
Bob: Aw, jeez, Midge. Kitty and that boy are at it again.
(They close the blinds. Bob opens them again, stares for a while, then closes them.)
(The Forman's Driveway: The gang is getting ready to leave for the disco. Kitty is taking pictures and Midge is watching.)
Eric: You smell great. What'd you do?
Donna: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.
Eric: Yeah, you know I do the same thing in the shower.
Donna: What?
Eric: Nothing.
Kitty: Oh, let's take some pictures! I'm ready, Steven get in closer. Ok, let's all schmoosh together! Ok, big smiles! Nice! (She takes a picture and Kelso is trying to show off his butt huggers.) Ok, now, girls, look how pretty, smile, nice, (She takes another picture of just Donna and Jackie.) now boys, oh, so handsome! (She takes yet another picture in which Kelso's butt huggers are the main feature.) Ok, now lets…
Eric: Hey, mom, why don't I take a picture of you?
Kitty: No, no, no, no. Ok, you'll be late, bye now!
(The gang gets into the car, Hyde walks over to Kitty and kisses her cheek.)
Hyde: You're the best.
Kitty: Oh, you go get 'em, Tiger.
(Midge and Kitty are in the Forman's kitchen.)
Midge: Kitty, I need your advice.
Kitty: Well, sure, what is it?
Midge: I have this married friend. And she's about to throw everything away because she's attracted to a much younger man.
Kitty: It's Stella!
Midge: No!
Kitty: Oh, I knew that Stella was open for business!
Midge: It's not Stella!
Kitty: Well, do I know here?
Midge: Yes, very well. (She nods.)
Kitty: Oh, Midge! Does Bob know?
Midge: Yeah, and he doesn't know what to do! Kitty, I don't know what to do!
Kitty: Midge, listen. I think your friend should think about all of the people she's gonna hurt. And tell this younger man whoever he is, I don't wanna know, that it has to stop.
Midge: Thank you. I just hope my friend takes your advice.
Kitty: I'm sure your friend will.
Kitty and Midge: (Thinking) Hmm. Younger man. Wonder what that's like.
(At the disco. Kelso is dancing around, making a fool of himself. Song: "You Should Be Dancing" - Bee Gees. Kelso looks around, realizes he's alone, and runs to the table where the rest of the gang is sitting.)
Kelso: Jackie, where'd you go?
Jackie: I had to get something for you to bite on, cause I told everyone you were having a seizure!
Fez: When do they play the disco music?
Donna: This is disco music.
Fez: No, no. This is samba.
Hyde: Fez, it's disco, man. It's crap!
Fez: Whoa, I think I like this crap! (He stands.) Come, Jackie! Let's get down!
Jackie: No, I think I'm a little tired. (She looks away, but Fez turns her head back toward him.)
Fez: Don't resist me mama. It's boogie time! (He pulls Jackie out of her chair and onto the dance floor.)
Donna: I think you just lost your date!
Kelso: Yeah, well it's cool cause Jackie and I are history!
(Fez and Jackie are dancing. They are very good. Fez picks her up and spins her around.)
Eric: She must not weigh that much.
(They continue dancing, and Jackie puts her leg around Fez.)
Kelso: Is she touching his ass?
(The song changes to "Fernando"- Abba)
Fez: Listen, Merengue!
Jackie: Whoo! Fez, you're crazy!
(They run back to the dance floor.)
Eric: Wow, they are really good!
Kelso: Yeah, if you wanna dance that way.
Donna: I would love to dance that way!
Hyde: You wanna dance?
Donna: Sure!
(They get up and start dancing.)
Donna: You dance. This is a side of you I've never seen.
Hyde: Yeah. Actually, you're my first dance.
Donna: I'm your first? I'm honored.
Hyde: This is nice.
Donna: Mmm-hmm.
(They dip.)
Hyde: Donna, man, I feel like I wanna kiss you. (They come back up.) You don't have to kiss me back if you don't want. (Donna laughs.) I'm not kidding.
Donna: Shut up and dance.
(Cut to outside the disco in Eric's car, where Jackie and Fez are sitting.)
Jackie: Fez, you are an amazing dancer!
Fez: Actually Jackie, you are the reason I am amazing. You see, when a man dances, he should display the woman to the room like a beautiful flower.
Jackie: Oh, Fez!
(Suddenly Michael bursts out of the disco and runs over to the car. He yanks open the door and drags Fez out.)
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: Alright, pal, that's it! It's you and me right here right now!
Fez: Why did you interrupt us?
Kelso: Jackie is my girl, Fez.
Fez: But you were breaking up with her!
(Jackie looks at Michael, offended.)
Kelso: Where do you even get that stuff?
Fez: Ok, I'll be running away now.
Jackie: Michael, M…
(Michael grabs Fez and flips him upside down, then hangs Fez's legs over his shoulders. Fez is now dangling upside down from Michael.)
Jackie: Michael! Michael, it's not his fault! You just don't know how to dance with me!
Kelso: I don't know how to dance with you, so you just take off with some other guy?
Jackie: I know, Michael, I'm sorry, I was wrong. But all I wanted to be was displayed like a flower.
Kelso: You know that you are be my flower.
Fez: (From upside down) That is so beautiful. Put me down.
Jackie: Oh, Michael! (They move in to kiss.)
Fez: Ok, I'm passing out, now.
(Kelso lets him down.)
(Red is working on the car in his driveway. Bob walks up.)
Bob: (Nervously) Ah-hem.
(Red looks up.)
Red: Ok, Bob. What is it?
Bob: Oh, just uh, curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?
Red: Steven? Oh, he's a little rebellious. Just needs some direction.
Bob: Apparently, he's getting it, Red. I uh, I kinda walked into your living room and, he and Kitty were in, some sort of, provocative embrace. I think he's puttin' the moves on your wife.
Red: Oh, my god. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.
Bob: Hold on, Red, I, I, I, I could've been mistaken!
Red: You know what you saw! Get the damn gun.
Bob: Maybe she was, uh, chokin', on, you know, on some food or something.
Red: I can't take that chance. What choice do I have as a man?
Bob: (He grabs hold of Red) Come on, Red. Uh, they could've been dancing! Jeez, I'm sure she was teaching him dancing, cause they're all going to that disco! Oh. (He pats Red.)
Red: Dancing, huh?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Jeez, Bob. That would be downright logical. Good thing I didn't shoot him.
(He looks at Bob, and it dawns on Bob that Red has been kidding the whole time to get him to see how foolish he was being.)
(Fez and Hyde are talking on top of Eric's car in front of the Forman's house.)
Fez: Hyde, you were right about disco music. It is evil. It's poisoned rhythem made me do a bad thing.
Hyde: Yeah, well, me too.
Fez: Kelso is my friend, I cannot take his woman.
Hyde: You're a good guy, Fez.
Fez: Actually, I could take his woman, but I won't.
Hyde: (Laughs.) Come on, I'll walk you home.
(Eric and Donna come outside.)
Hyde: See you guys.
Donna: See you.
Eric: Goodnight.
(Hyde and Fez leave.)
Eric: Hey, uh, Hyde dancing, what a surprise!
Donna: Yeah! Who knew?
Eric: Yeah. You looked like you were having a pretty good time.
Donna: Yeah, well, you know, disco fever. You catch it. But I'm better now.
Eric: Wow. What a, what a weird night. Hey, did you see Kelso's shoes?
Donna: Yeah. Remember when he saw that girl wearing the same shoes?
Eric: Oh, yes! That was, actually, it was pretty sad.
Donna: Yeah, it was.
Eric: Hey, um…do you recall that night we crossed the Rio Grande?
Donna: What?
Eric: I can see it in your eyes.
Donna: What are you talking about?
Eric: How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land…(starting to sing)
Donna: Shut up, don't! Don't! Don't, shhh!
Eric: (singing) There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright!
(Donna covers his mouth)
Eric: (Muffled) Fernando! They were…(She moves her hand.) I'm sorry. I hate dance music.
Donna: Why'd you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So…you're in like with me?
Eric: Donna, I'm…I'm in…(He leans over and kisses her. They stand stunned for a few seconds.) I can't dance.
Donna: You'll learn. (Singing.) There was something in the air that night! The stars were bright…
Eric: Donna, I really wanna kiss you again.
Donna: Fernando! Shut up and dance! They were shining there for you and me and liberty…(Eric joins)
Eric and Donna: (Singing) Fernando! Though we never thought that we could lose, There's no regret, If I had to do the same again…
(Eric and Donna fade out, and Abba takes over)
Lyrics: I would, my friend, Fernando!
(The guys are in the Forman's living room listening to a recorded tape.)
(The tape:)
Hyde: We're all on a farm…a farm put here by aliens man! And we're the cattle!
Kelso: We're cattle! Moo!
Hyde: The government knows it, it's out there, man!
Kelso: What is?
Hyde: The truth.
Kelso: What are you saying?
Hyde: Out there is the truth! The truth is out there, man!
Eric: That's seriously freaky!
(Fez turns off the tape.)
Fez: See, you are all stupid!
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