I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "That 70's Show". They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Casey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode "Pilot". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
Point Place Wisconsin
May 17, 1971
8:47 p.m.
Location: Eric Forman's Basement
(Eric, Hyde, Kelso, and Donna are sitting in Eric's basement. Hyde and Kelso are sitting on the couch, Donna is sitting in a chair on the right, and Eric is sitting in a chair on the left. You can hear sounds of a party going on upstairs.)
Hyde: Eric, it is time.
Eric: Why don't you do it?
Hyde: It's your house.
Kelso: Your house!
Hyde: Listen to them up there. (points up) The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.
Eric: If my dad catches me copping beers he'll kill me!
Hyde: I'm willing to take that risk!
Kelso: Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving…
Donna: And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.
Eric: What's wrong with your dad's hair?
Donna: Just don't look at it.
Hyde: (grabs Eric's face) And Eric. Cold. Definitely cold.
(Eric nods and begins to run up the stairs. Then he pauses, looks back down, and continues.)
(upstairs. There is a party going on among the grown ups. Kitty is circulating through the throng of people. Song: "Love Will Keep Us Together " - Captain & Tenille)
Kitty: (singing) 'Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone.' (Eric almost runs into her) Oh, oh, watch it Eric! Hot pizza rolls! (turns) Coming through! Hot hot!
Person: Kitty? Where are you?
Kitty: (sets down pizza rolls) Ok, take two! There's plenty, there's plenty! Coming! Is everybody good? I know, I know! Vienna sausages are so versatile! Ha ha!
(Eric reaches for some beers, runs into Bob Pinsciotti)
Bob: Hi there Eric!
Eric: Mr. Pinsciotti!
Midge: So Eric, how do you like Bob's new hair? Isn't it groovy?
Eric: (looking at her stomach) It's incredibly groovy Mrs. Pinsciotti.
Bob: Ah, yeah, it was Midge's idea!
Midge: It's a perm.
(cut to Eric reaching for more beers)
Red: Eric?
Eric: Hi dad!
Red: What the hell happened to Bob's hair?
Eric: Beats me.
Red: His head looks like a poodle's ass.
Eric: A poodle's ass walks into your party!
Red: (coming back up) Eric! Don't use the ass word. You're still in high school.
Eric: Yes, sir.
Kitty: Ok! Pigs in a blanket! Hot hot!
Midge: Kitty, is that your Toyota in the drive?
Kitty: Well, honey, it is the gas crisis, what can you do?
Red: And you know Bob? Those SOB's at the dealership offered me a lousy four hundred dollar trade in on the Vista Cruiser.
Bob: Eh, what'cha gonna do?
Red: It'll rust in the driveway before I trade it in.
Kitty: Honey, it is rusting in the driveway.
Eric: Hey, pop! I'll take the Cruiser off your hands. I don't care if it's a pump sucker!
(he accidentally holds up his hands to show the beer cans he's holding.)
Red: What you got there, Eric?
Eric: Beer…I found it…just sitting…you know…around.
Red: Well, put 'em away, son.
Eric: Oh, I intend to, sir.
(He starts to walk back down to the basement.)
Kitty: Oh, honey, honey. On your way to the basement, could you pop these in the fridge? They're warm! (she hands him two more beers. Eric takes his good luck into account and then speeds down into the basement.)
(back in the basement. Hyde is looking at a porno magazine. He leans over to show Kelso. Song: "Jackie Blue " - Ozark Mountain Daredevils)
Hyde: Check that out.
(Donna walks over and sees the magazine.)
Donna: I see that everyday.
(Eric runs down the stairs with the beers in hand.)
Hyde: He's alive!
Eric: Good news! (handing out beers as he talks) My dad is thinking of giving me the Vista Cruiser!
Kelso: You're getting a car?
Donna: Oooh! Have I told you how incredibly attractive you are, Eric?
Eric: No!
Kelso: You told me he was cute.
Donna: (bashful) No, I didn't.
Kelso: Well, I remember cause you said not to say anything in front of Eric.
(Eric looks uncomfortable.)
Hyde: Let's focus on what's important here, people. Forman stole something. To Forman! (Raises his beer.)
All: To Forman!
Eric: You know what's sad? This is the proudest day of my life! (He breaks down in mock tears, and Hyde "comforts" him.)
("That 70's Show" theme song plays)
(Eric, Donna, Jackie and Michael are all sitting and watching The Brady Bunch in Eric's basement. Donna is sitting on the floor in front of Eric, who is on the couch along with Michael and Jackie. The sound isn't on and Donna and Eric are filling in their own words.)
Jackie: Why are we watching this without the sound? I am totally confused!
Eric: Here, use the earphone.
(He hands Jackie the earphone. Donna gets up and moves to the chair to the right of the couch.)
Kelso: So, what's the deal with the Vista Cruiser?
Eric: The deal is there is no deal yet.
Jackie: (listening to the TV through the earphone.) Shhhhh!
Kelso: (whispering) How are we gonna get to the concert?
Donna: Shut up!
Jackie: What concert?
Kelso: Ah…heh…Todd Rundgren.
Jackie: When?
Kelso: This weekend.
Jackie: Oh. Who's going?
Kelso: Uh…Eric and Donna and me and Hyde and the foreign kid Fez. Pretty much everybody. (He pauses. Jackie nods, urging Kelso to say what he doesn't want to.) And…you…
Jackie: Oh! Good, good, good, good. Thank you for telling me Michael!
Eric: Um, I'm getting a soda! (he hops up)
Donna: Me too. (gets up)
Kelso: Yeah, me too. (he starts to get up)
Donna: Sit down! (she pushes him back on the couch. Eric and Donna leave. Jackie stands.)
Jackie: You don't want me to go to the concert, is that it?
Kelso: I didn't know if you liked music!
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: I didn't invite you to the concert because I know you really don't like my friends.
Jackie: Did you tell them that?
Kelso: No!
Kelso: Also, I didn't think you'd be interested in Todd Rundgren, I mean, like you said. He's no Frampton!
Jackie: I love Todd Runderman! I have the forty-five of "Hello, It's Me"! Remember the night we listened to it? (she sits down on his lap.) We can have fun at the concert. Especially in the car on the way back.
Kelso: Ok, you can go!
Jackie: Only if you want me to.
Kelso: Oh, I want you to! (jumps on her. Eric and Donna come back down to see them wrestling with each other.)
Eric: Jackie! I guess you're going to the concert with us.
(Jackie jumps up.)
Jackie: Yeah! Mmm hmm! I can't wait. (she turns back to Michael) So, Michael. Do you wanna go back to my house and listen to Todd Grunyen records?
Kelso: Yeah, sure.
Jackie: Ok. Bye! (they leave. Donna and Eric put their arms around each other and wave up the stairs.)
Eric: You kids have fun! Bye!
Donna: Bye bye now! Oh, they're so darn cute! The minute you turn your back they go at it like dogs.
Eric: Ooh, they're frisky! (They sit down on the steps.)
Donna: Can't leave them alone!
Eric: No. (pause) You know, my sister thinks that we shouldn't be left alone.
Donna: Us? (They snicker) We're alone now.
Eric: Well. Yeah.
Donna: (Takes her arm off him) Eric, relax. We've lived next door to each other forever. You could've had me when I was four.
Eric: Really. And there I was all day long on the hippity hop.
(Eric is standing outside and talking.)
Eric: Ever since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, I've known you practically my whole life. I want you. I want you so bad.
(Donna comes up behind him.)
Donna: Eric, it's a car.
(Kelso comes up.)
Kelso: Let's just leave these two kids alone.
Donna: Yeah.
(They start to leave, then Donna's dad walks up.)
Bob: Hey, hi there Donna.
Donna: Hey dad.
Eric: So it's all down hill from here, sir.
Bob: Yeah.
(He leaves)
Kelso: What happened to your dad's hair?
Donna: He got a permanent.
Kelso: So that's permanent?
(The gang is at the Hub. Fez is watching Hyde play pinball. Jackie, Michael, Eric and Donna are sitting around a table drinking cokes and talking. Song: "Space Truckin' " - Deep Purple)
Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English…but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What'd we exchange for him?
Fez: I too must go to the bathroom. Eric?
Eric: Oh, it doesn't work that way with guys.
Hyde: Kelso, how much longer are we gonna have to deal with the whole "Jackie" experience?
Kelso: Don't worry. I'm breaking up with her.
Hyde: Never gonna happen.
Kelso: It's over! She's cutting into my free time.
(Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso are all sitting around a table getting high.)
Hyde: So is Red still thinking about giving you the car maybe?
Kelso: Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money cause, the Cruiser's a boat.
Eric: I know it's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites.
Fez: Who's getting a boat?
Hyde: There is no gas shortage, man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like, there's this guy who invented this car, that runs on water, man. It's got a fiber glass air cooled engine and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat.
Hyde: No, it's a car. Only you put water in the gas tank instead of gas! (he starts to laugh.) And it runs on water man!
Kelso: (Laughing) I never heard of this car! Hey, Jackie's good for gas money!
Eric: You are such a whore!
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?
(They all laugh)
Red: (From offscreen) Eric!
Eric: Yeah dad?
Red: I need to talk to you!
(Eric is sitting in the kitchen and Kitty and Red are talking to him. The wall behind them is swaying back and forth.)
Red: Eric, your mother and I have been talking. Since I've been cut back to part time at the plant, and the uh…the hospital is so close, I can take the Toyota to work and your mom can take the bus.
(Eric just stares at them and blinks.)
Kitty: Honey, honey, really, I-I'd rather walk. When I ride the bus in my nurse's uniform, people always show me their scars.
Red: Then I'll drop you off on the way to the plant.
Kitty: Well, no, I don't want to be any trouble.
Red: Then Eric can take you.
Kitty: Oh, honey, he's a teenager. He doesn't wanna drive me…
Red: Well if he can't drop his own mother off for work, well then, I'll be damned if he's getting a car.
Kitty: Ok.
Eric: Excuse me. Am I getting the car?
Red: I didn't say that. Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric. Not in this life!
Kitty: Car is a responsibility.
Red: You'll need insurance. Do you have any idea how much insurance is?
Kitty: A car is a privilege.
Red: Oil changes, road flares, fluids! That's your job!
Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.
Red: Always yield. Always!
Kitty: Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen!
Red: And if I find one beer can in that car, it's over!
Kitty: And no donuts either. (Red stares at her.) Ants.
Eric: So…do I get the car?
(Red tosses Eric the keys. He catches them.)
Eric: Bitchin'!
Red: Eric! Not in front of your mother.
Eric: Thank you Pop. Sir.
Red: Yeah, well. Clean the attic.
(The driveway. Eric is sitting in the car, Michael and Donna are standing outside. Kelso opens the door.)
Donna: Kelso, that's sweet.
Kelso: Actually, I'm riding shotgun.
Donna: No, you're not!
Kelso: Well, I'm not riding in the back!
Donna: Why don't we let Eric decide?
(They lean down to see Eric in the front seat.)
Kelso: Eric?
Eric: Kelso. (Kelso starts to climb in the car.) Get in the back. (Kelso almost falls. Donna gets in the front. Red walks outside.)
Red: Taking her for a spin, eh?
Eric: Yes sir.
Red: Well, have a good time. Oh, uh, one more thing. Very important. About the car. She's old, so, no trips out of town. Ever. Understood? Well. Have fun! (He leaves.)
Eric: Well I guess that's that. We're not going.
Donna: Eric, do you wanna go?
Eric: He said no trips out of town!
Donna: It's your car! Do you wanna go?
Eric: Well, he's god!
Kelso: I think god would want us to go to Milwaukee!
Donna: Eric, you are a 17-year-old man. I'm gonna go with whatever you say. It's your decision.
Eric: It is my decision. (Donna nods.) And my decision is…we're going to a concert!
(Donna and Kelso cheer.)
(Kitty and Red are sitting on the couch. Kitty is sewing and Red is reading the paper. They hear the car start.)
Kitty: Huh. Kids are off. Wonder where they're going.
Red: Out of town.
Kitty: Are you sure?
Red: Of course. I told 'em not to.
(Kitty nods.)
Kitty: So I guess they'll be gone for a while.
Red: Yeah. (pause) Let's go.
(They jump up and run upstairs.)
(The gang is in a car shop. Kelso, Eric, Donna, Jackie, Fez, and Hyde are standing around the car.)
Kelso: I'm telling you, we're out of gas!
Eric: We're not out of gas.
Benny: It's the battery. It's six years old and shot to hell.
Jackie: I know what. I'll just call my dad.
Eric: Kelso, tell her.
Kelso: We can't take the car out of town.
Jackie: I'm not calling his dad.
Hyde: Jackie, parents talk to each other. About how we screw up!
Jackie: Why would they talk about that?
Eric: They can't help it. Look, say there's a party, see…(cut to a party scene with the adults)…and all of our parents are there. Together.
(Eric is speaking for all of them.)
Jackie's Dad: Hi, Red! Hey, isn't it great all our kids are such good friends?
(Red smiles.)
Bob: Yes, Jackie's dad! They're quite the gang of young people! Ha ha ha!
Midge: Kitty, I love what you've done with the kitchen!
Kitty: Yes, aqua and yellow! Blah, blah, blah! Yak, yak, yak!
Jackie's Dad: Speaking of kids, wasn't it lucky triple A pulled Eric's butt out of the fire when he took the car to Milwaukee without your permission?
Midge: Hey everybody! Let's hustle!
All: Doot doot doot do doo do doo doo doo…
(Cut back to the garage. Everybody but Jackie is dancing and singing.)
Jackie: Hey, guys! We are in the middle of nowhere. And I have to go to the ladies room. (Gets her purse out of the car.) Donna! (Donna rolls her eyes and goes.)
Benny: So. Where're you going?
Hyde: Rundgren concert.
Benny: Cool. So, what, do you want a battery? Cause, uh, I can get you a battery.
Eric: Are they cheap? Or, possibly free?
Benny: Thirty-two bucks. Minimum.
Kelso: Alright, I'll tell you what. We'll trade you our battery plus five bucks for one of your batteries.
Benny: Well, that's a really sweet deal, my friend. But how 'bout this. How 'bout one battery for two concert tickets?
Kelso: No. We can't give up two tickets.
Benny: Ok. (Walks away.)
Eric: Hey, it's either that or none of us go.
Kelso: So who's out?
Hyde: Well, there's always Jackie!
Kelso: Of course Jackie! I mean, Jackie's gone! But who else?
Eric: Oh, I don't know…Jackie's date?
Kelso: Come on! You know I'm breaking up with her! You guys are chumping me out!
Eric: I've had to listen to her for a good hour!
Fez: A really long hour!
Kelso: God hates me! (He hands over his tickets.)
Fez: How can you say god hates you? At least you have a woman's love. Be happy! Whore.
(At the concert. Benny and his date are sitting with Donna, Eric, Hyde and Fez. Jackie and Michael aren't there. Song: "I Saw the Light " - Todd Rundgren)
Fez: Hey, guys! Benny dated a man!
Donna: I'm ok with it.
Eric: You are so cool to be ok with it!
Benny: I have to go to the bathroom. (He stands.) Kevin! (His date stands. They both leave.)
(Fez turns to Eric in curiosity.)
Eric: I'll explain later.
(Jackie and Michael are in the car. Jackie sits up.)
Jackie: This isn't working.
Kelso: (Sits up.) No. It's a boy scout belt. The buckle's got safety…
Jackie: No, no, no, Michael. Before you speak, please hear my words. I think we should break up.
Kelso: Now?
Jackie: You're not having a good time.
Kelso: I'm having a good time!
Jackie: Really?
Kelso: Yeah!
Jackie: Oh, Michael, I am so glad you don't wanna break up. You were so nice to give your ticket away so you could be with me.
Kelso: Well…yeah!
Jackie: That says…you don't need music, concerts, friends…you know what you need Michael.
(pause)
Kelso: I don't know.
Jackie: ME! You need me! M-E Michael!
Kelso: Yeah! I-I-yes!
Jackie: (nodding.) You're just to shy to say that. Lover. (they lay back down.) So. When were you a boy scout?
(Donna and Eric are laying on their backs on the car in his driveway. Song: "Hello, It's Me " - Todd Rundgren)
Eric: What a great night. I mean, it's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for you. I mean, there's-there's a whole world that's waiting to be driven to. We could go to…Canada! We got a new battery, what's stopping us?
Donna: You know, I think Canada closes at nine thirty.
(They chuckle.)
Eric: You know I never would have done this if you hadn't talked me into it.
Donna: I didn't talk you into anything. Well, I'm gonna call it a day. (sits up.) Goodnight. (she leaves.)
Eric: Goodnight.
(She comes back.)
Donna: By the way, thanks for the ride. (She kisses him.)
Eric: (Sits up) What was that for?
Donna: I just wanted to see what it was like.
Eric: What was it like?
Donna: You were there!
Eric: I…I wasn't ready for it!
Donna: What would you have done differently?
Eric: I don't know. Something with my lips.
Donna: (nods) Sounds good. Let's try that next time. (She leaves.)
Eric: When exactly is next time?
Donna: (From off screen) Goodnight!
Eric: Yeah, I'm really gonna sleep after that! (he lays back down)
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