I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "That 70's Show". They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Casey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode "Punk Chick". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
Point Place, Wisconsin
Saturday, 9:37 p.m.
Eric Forman's Vista Cruiser
"The Point"
(Donna and Eric are making out in the car. We can see Eric's hands grappling under Donna's shirt. Song: "Paradise by the Dashboard Light " - Meatloaf)
Donna: What're you doing?
Eric: Nothing… (He kisses her again. We see Eric attempting to unhook Donna's bra. In the hook's place is a Master lock and when Eric flips out the combination he can't open it.)
Donna: How's it going back there?
Eric: Ok, Donna. Just for that, I'm not taking your bra off.
Donna: Well, you weren't taking it off anyway!
(Cut to Fez and Hyde at the Hub. Fez is on a payphone and Hyde is reading a newspaper.)
Fez: Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?
(Hyde looks up from the paper.)
Hyde: Breasts!
Fez: Oh. How big are your breasts? (He pauses) This is Fez, who is this?
(Hyde motions for him to hang up the phone. He does.)
Fez: My first prank call! (He sits in a chair next to Hyde.) Every night with you is an adventure!
Hyde: Yeah, Fez, it's a real rollercoaster, ain't it?
Fez: Hyde, how come you do not have a girlfriend? Maybe if you did something with your hair…(He plays with Hyde's hair.)
(Just then a girl walks in the Hub.)
Chrissy: Hey, you! Is there a motel in this puke hole?
Hyde: There's a Sleepy Time Lodge three puke holes over.
Chrissy: Thanks. I'm Chrissy.
Hyde: I'm Hyde.
Chrissy: Who cares? You wanna, uh… hop on my Vespa and uh, show me where it is?
(Hyde looks outside to see a shiny blue motorcycle parked.)
Hyde: Mother of god, I think I love you.
Chrissy: Love is an outdated concept used by industrialists to keep women subservient.
(In Hyde's mind. He sees Chrissy as an angel with two electric guitars for wings and an anarchy "a" for a halo. Song: "Anarchy in the UK " - Sex Pistols)
Hyde: Mother of god I do love you!
(That 70's Show Theme song plays.)
(Kelso and Eric are in the Forman's basement. They are playing pong, but while Eric is intently watching the screen, Kelso is reading a magazine not paying very much attention to his pong paddle.)
Eric: Damn!…(Playing) Damn!…(playing) Damn! (He gives up and throws down his playing stick.)
Kelso: (not looking up from his magazine.) What happened?
Eric: What ha…you just beat me fifteen nothing!
(Kelso puts down his magazine.)
Kelso: So what. I mean, hitting a ball with two paddles is so boring! I need a new challenge, something totally different. I need to hit the ball with…with smaller paddles! Where's Red keep his tools?
(He hops up and begins to gather up the game console.)
Eric: Oh, no. Not Red's pong. I don't think you should be going up to…
Kelso: The garage! Of course!
Eric: Ok, you know, if you screw that up, he's gonna blame me.
Kelso: I know.
(He continues to gather the game.)
(Hyde and Chrissy are on her motorcycle. They are driving down a street with various signs flying past: Woolworth, Fatso Burger, Rusty's Hardware, Woolworth, Rusty's Hardware, Woolworth, Rusty's Hardware, Yield, Woolworth, Fatso Burger, No Trespassing, Woolworth, Woolworth. The camera zooms in and they kiss. Song: "I'm So Bored w/ the USA " - The Clash)
(Cut to Hyde and Chrissy in a hotel room. Chrissy is putting out a cigarette. Song: "New Rose " - Damned)
Chrissy: Who would've thought I'd meet a radical number like you in a slag heap town like this?
Hyde: I can't believe you're just passing through, man. You're dark, you're obnoxious, you're dangerously paranoid. Until tonight I didn't even know a girl like you existed!
Chrissy: Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?
Hyde: Oh, man, this is so perfect. You're easy, too?
Chrissy: (Nodding) Yeah. See, the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right?
Hyde: Yeah.
Chrissy: So, if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So every time we have sex, it's a huge protest!
Hyde: You know what? I think I feel a huge protest coming on.
(They kiss)
(Jackie and Kitty are in the Forman's kitchen.)
Jackie: Thank you so much for helping me with my home ec project, Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Well, you're welcome, honey. Now, Jackie, have you ever made a pie before?
Jackie: No, I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks.
Kitty: Ok, then! (She goes to the fridge.)
(Kelso walks in with the pong game. He and Jackie stand uncomfortably.)
Jackie: Michael.
Kelso: Jackie…what are you doing here?
Jackie: I'm baking a pie.
Kelso: I'm making small paddles.
Jackie: Fine!
Kelso: Fine!
(He leaves)
(Cut to Eric and Donna sitting on the basement couch.)
Eric: So Donna, what say you and I take a little drive tonight?
Donna: I don't know…do you think you can unlock the car?
(The camera takes a wide angle shot and we see that Fez is also there with them.)
Fez: Hmm…where should the three of us go on our drive?
Eric: Actually, Fez, just…um…Donna and I are gonna… (He raises his eyebrows suggestively.)
Fez: Oh, I see. (He stands.) So you are going to ditch me! Just like Hyde. Everyday, I am here with my heart on my sleeve, hoping only for friendship and acceptance. And what do I get? Abandonment. Loneliness. When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?
(Just then Hyde walks in taking…larger…strides than usual.)
Fez: Damn you, Hyde! Did you go horseback riding without me?
Hyde: No! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) I just met the most amazing woman. Chrissy! And she just ditched her entire life to start over in New York, man.
Donna: Wait! W, w, w, wait. Why is she, why is she going to New York?
Hyde: She's gonna start a punk band.
Fez: A punk band! Cool. What is punk anyways?
Hyde: Punk is the annihilistic outcry against the corporate rock'n'roll take over. It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man!
Eric: I thought you said Blue Oyster Cult was the soundtrack to the revolution.
(Donna nods in agreement.)
Hyde: Look! The point is, is that…she asked me to go with her.
Eric: Whoa, whoa, why would you wanna go to New York?
Hyde: Well, it's a big city, man! The bars are open 'til four, it's where all the music's happening. Hey. If I can make it there…
Eric: You can't make it there!
Hyde: But if I can make it there…
Eric: But you won't make it there!
Hyde: Would you just listen? If I can make it there…damn it, Forman, now I lost my train of thought!
(Kelso is in the garage working on the pong game when Red walks in.)
Red: Kelso, you have ten seconds to tell me what you're doing.
(Kelso whirls around.)
Kelso: I can explain!
Red: Nine seconds.
Kelso: Um, see…
Red: Eight!
Kelso: Ok, but this counting…
Red: Three!
Kelso: What?! No! There's no way that was five seconds!
Red: It is now! Three.
Kelso: I just wanted…
Red: Two…
Kelso: Smaller paddles!
Red: Time!
Kelso: Don't hurt me!
Red: (Thoughtfully) Smaller paddles? (he looks at the disassembled pong game.) Is it broken?
Kelso: Ok, I'm too good at pong. It's a curse.
Red: (Walks over to the game) I know what you mean. It's boring! I haven't played this thing in over a month.
Kelso: Right! Right, exactly! Ok, now stay with me here. That's why I took it apart. See, smaller paddles equal bigger fun!
Red: You may have something there.
(Kelso laughs in relief.)
Red: We'll give it a try. Seeing as you already opened it!
Kelso: Great!
Red: And hey! If we can't put it back together, you owe me a hundred and eighteen bucks!
Kelso: I don't have a hundred and eighteen bucks.
Red: Well then I have to kill ya! Heh heh heh….
Kelso: (Nervously) Heh heh heh…
(Cut to Kitty and Jackie coughing over a very burnt pie.)
Kitty: Ok, ok. Jackie, alright, honey, let's, let's just review. What do you think went wrong with this pie?
Jackie: Too many eggs?
Kitty: No.
Jackie: The pan was too small…
Kitty: Not even close.
Jackie: Is it because Michael doesn't love me any more?
Kitty: Almost! It's because you were talking on the phone about Michael instead of watching the pie like you promised me you would this time. Again. You liar! Ha ha ha! (she laughs.)
(Cut to Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso in the basement getting high. Song: "Beat is on the Brat " - Ramones)
Eric: I dunno, Hyde. I mean, here, you're the cool guy. But, you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like…Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?
Fez: Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!
Hyde: (Eating out of a peanut butter jar) Yeah, it is fun, man! And, I'm gonna miss the hell outta you guys! But Chrissy's cool. And it's the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed's in the phone book? Cause I bet he'd really like me. (Passes the peanut butter to Kelso.)
Kelso: Lou Reed. Where're you going? Who's Chrissy? (He passes the peanut butter to Eric.)
Eric: It's not so bad here, man! We got the TV, and peanut butter, and I got this thing! (He holds up a paddle ball racket with a missing ball.) Well, the ball part rolled under the dryer.
Fez: Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then I threw up on that cop?
Hyde: (Laughing) That was a good time, man.
Kelso: Wait a minute! Back up! Nobody tells me anything. What's the ball doing under the dryer?
(Donna and Eric are sitting in the car.)
Donna: So Hyde's like, Hyde's like, really leaving.
Eric: Yeah. (He "casually" drops his arm behind Donna.) It's like, time's just passing us by, you know? You've gotta, like, seize the day.
Donna: You are so right.
Eric: Yeah.
(They jump on each other and make out. Donna starts laughing.)
Eric: Ok, what's so funny?
Donna: Nothing, nothing.
Eric: You, ha, no, tell me.
Donna: I know you're going for the bra.
Eric: How…how did you know?
Donna: It's just, every time you go for my bra your lips stop moving.
Eric: So, um…you're really not having any, any fun?
Donna: No, I'm having a good time. I would just like a little attention while you're struggling with my underwear. I'm here too. It doesn't always have to be about the twins.
(Eric laughs.)
Eric: The twins? Is that what you call them? That is so very hot.
(Donna just stares at him, obviously offended.)
Eric: Ok. (He moves his arm and grabs the steering wheel, then he beats his head against it.)
Donna: Take me home.
(Cut to Kitty and Jackie, Kitty is shoveling one of obviously many pies into the trash can.)
Kitty: Jackie, just take the money, and buy a pie.
Jackie: Mrs. Forman, if I buy a pie that's cheating and I'll fail.
Kitty: Trust me. If ya bake it, you'll fail too.
(Red walks in.)
Red: What's this about Hyde moving to New York?
Kitty: No, no, he's only seventeen, his mother would never let him do that.
Jackie: Actually, Michael told me that Hyde's mom drinks a lot, so she probably won't even care. You know, drunk people are like that.
Kitty: (approaching Jackie) Ok. Let's make another pie. I will make the filling, and I will make the crust.
Jackie: What will I make?
Kitty: You will go into the living room and make me a drink!
(Jackie nods, then she leaves. Red walks over and sits at the table.)
Red: He can't just drop out of high school. And New York city is no place for a seventeen year old kid.
Kitty: It's Sodom and Gomorrah. With a subway.
Red: We'll have to have a talk with him. His mom sure as hell won't do it. And somebody's gotta beat some sense into that idiot.
Kitty: Oh, Red, you do care!
(Red and Kitty are talking to Hyde in their kitchen.)
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason!
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit! That's right, they spit!
Red: What are you gonna put on your resume? Dumbass?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything, and I'm going! (He leaves)
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty. (He leaves)
(Red and Kelso are staring at the inside of the pong game. Kelso tries to move his screwdriver to it.)
Red: Hey! Don't touch. I'm about to take off the doohickey.
(He moves the tweezers over the game.)
Kelso: Ok. Red! Don't you think we should disconnect the transistor from the secondary circuit board first?
Red: Well, sure. And then we'll uh…work on the uh…doohickey.
Kelso: Bitchin'.
(Eric is sitting on Hyde's front steps. We can hear Hyde yelling at his mom.)
Hyde: It is too my suitcase!
Edna: Nothing in this house is yours!
Hyde: Shut up! (He comes outside) Bitch.
Eric: So your mom's taking it pretty hard, huh.
Hyde: Oh, I haven't told her yet.
Eric: So Hyde, you're like…really going through with this.
Hyde: Yeah, man. I mean, you know, I know people spit on you there and the rats are as big as your head or whatever, but this might be my only chance to escape, Forman.
Eric: Hey, you can't leave now. Hyde, We're finally getting old enough to do some serious damage to this town! Remember? We were gonna paint that pot leaf on the water tower?
Hyde: Vandalism, while tempting, is not enough reason for me to stay. Plus, you can do that without me.
Eric: But we won't do that without you. Hyde, you're the reason we do so many stupid, senseless things!
Hyde: Yeah, that is true.
Eric: Hyde, I've never told this to another human being, but I…I…cannot get Donna's bra off.
Hyde: Hooks or snaps?
Eric: Both! She keeps throwing me change ups!
Hyde: Alright, here's what you do, ok? You buy a bra, and you practice on it at home. Then you give it to Donna as a gift.
Eric: See? That's brilliant! You're like, an evil genius, man!
(Chrissy is packing in the hotel room. Hyde walks in. Song: "Alison " - Elvis Costello)
Chrissy: Where's your bag? (She stares at him) You're not going.
Hyde: No. But I'd like to mount another protest if you have the time.
(Chrissy walks over and kisses him.)
Chrissy: Here's my…uh…my friend's number in New York. (She pushes Hyde.) DON'T call me.
Hyde: Yeah, I won't. Hey, Chrissy, do you mind if I steal the towels?
Chrissy: Sorry. I already got 'em. (She leaves)
(Hyde goes over to the table, steals the ashtray, and leaves.)
(Red and Kelso are in the living room standing over the game.)
Red: Well Kelso, good luck!
Kelso: Yeah, she's been a great ride, man.
(Red leans over and turns on the game.)
Red: It worked!
Kelso: Smaller paddles!
(they jump up and down and hug)
Red: Congratulations, son! You have seen the future!
Kelso: Yeah, yeah, you're so right, Red! Home computers! That is the future!
Red: No, no, no. Not computers! Soldering! The future is soldering! Computers.
(Donna and Eric are in the car.)
Donna: Well! What do you know. We're parked again!
Eric: Right, but this time, I just wanna talk. Donna, I am really sorry if I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable.
(Donna is shocked.)
Donna: Oh, thanks. I guess part of that's my fault. But I think I know something that'll make you feel better.
Eric: Ok.
Donna: Well, you know I've been having a rough time lately because now we're boyfriend and girlfriend and now that you know I'm on the pill it's like you're always pawing at me. And I wanna fool around but then I think if you get to second base from there you'll have a pretty good view of home and if that happens, who knows what'll happen to you and me? Cause look what happened to Jackie and Kelso, when sex changes everything, and that really really sucks!
Eric: Ok. Um, so what part of that was supposed to make me feel better?
Donna: Um…I'm not wearing a bra.
Eric: You are the best girlfriend ever.
(they kiss)
(Hyde is sitting in the basement. Eric comes down and hops on the couch next to him.)
Hyde: You surprised to see me?
Eric: Nah, I knew you'd stay.
Hyde: Yeah, we've been friends way too long.
Eric: No, Chrissy just drove by with some guy on the back of her bike.
Hyde: Poor kid. She's grieving.
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