I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Red Sees Red”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
(We see Donna and Eric kissing in Eric’s Vista Cruiser at the beginning of the episode.)
Eric: I had a great time on our date tonight.
Donna: Yeah. When do you think Red’s gonna give you back the keys to the Cruiser? You know. So we could actually…leave the property? (The camera pans out and we see that they are sitting in the Forman’s driveway.)
Eric: I dunno. Maybe never. In fact, you’re my only contact with the outside world now, Donna. Do…people still laugh out there? I miss the laughter.
(Donna laughs.)
Donna: Well, Eric, it’s your own stupid fault. I mean, before you opened your big mouth, Red actually believed that smell was incense.
Eric: Well, yeah, I know, it’s just…he was gonna kick Hyde out, and I wanted to help and…oh, helping never helps.
Donna: Alright, look. Let’s not waste time talking about this. How long ‘til curfew?
Eric: Uh…about one minute. Now Donna, I’m not bragging, but, if you’re properly motivated, I can actually do it in that amount of time.
Donna: You don’t have to tell me.
Eric: Ok! So! Buckle up, Donna, ‘cause the next…(He looks at his watch) twelve seconds are all about you, babe!
(They start to kiss, but immediately stop because they hear Red.)
Red: Five, four, three, two, one…
Eric: (While Red is counting) No, wait…but I…Damn.
Red: (Opens the Cruiser door.) Curfew, hophead.
(Theme song plays.)
(The Forman’s kitchen. Kitty is cooking at the stove, Hyde is sitting at the bar writing something, and Laurie is sitting at the table. Red and Eric walk in.)
Red: Jeez, I wish I had a quarter for every time I caught you making out with the neighbor girl!
Eric: Wish I had a quarter for every time you embarrassed me.
Red: I wish you did, too. ‘Cause then you’d be a millionaire and you could find someplace else to live.
Eric: What, and…(He looks around at the kitchen.) leave all this?
Kitty: (Shoving a plate of brownies between them.) Alright, fellas, who wants brownies and a nice glass of milk?
Red: Aw, jeez. (He sits down at the table.)
Laurie: Daddy, I think it’s great you gave Eric and Hyde a curfew. These boys, they need structure. (She stands up.) Well, I’ll see ya.
Kitty: Well, where do you think you’re going?
Laurie: To...night church?
(Kitty walks away, giving up on her daughter.)
Red: Sorry, honey. Curfew’s for everyone.
Laurie: But daddy! It’s me!
Red: Look. What they did is bad. But you sneaking around with Kelso, that’s just…unpleasant.
Laurie: But daddy, I’m not seeing Kelso.
Hyde: Untrue!
Eric: A damnable lie!
Laurie: A curfew? (She stands and walks for the living room.) I’m stuck in this house with you people all night? This sucks! (She walks out.)
Kitty: Well, we’re just thrilled about it!
Eric: (To Hyde) So, all right, there’s an upside to all this. I took her down with me.
Hyde: Nice job. (He and Eric leave the kitchen.)
Kitty: Well. Isn’t this a happy house?
Red: (smiling) Yeah.
Kitty: (walks over to Red) This is not a happy house!
Red: Well, you just said this was a happy house.
Kitty: Well that’s not what I meant, it was sarcasm!
Red: Well who the hell knows what you mean when you won’t say what you mean!
Kitty: I don’t like how you’re treating the children.
Red: Look, Kitty. I’m not gonna let our kids go down the wrong path. But if you have a better idea, I’m all ears.
Kitty: (She sits) Okay. Maybe you could be a little less strict and a little more loving.
Red: Okay, Kitty. Enough with the sarcasm.
(The Forman’s basement. We see all of the gang sitting in various places. The camera pans past each one and we hear what they are thinking.)
Hyde’s thoughts: Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me!
(The camera swings to Jackie, who’s gazing at Hyde longingly.)
Jackie’s thoughts: Please look at me. Hey! Psst. I love you, Steven! I have secret love powers. Look at me!
Donna’s thoughts: Hm. I have twenty nine teeth. No, that can’t be right. One, two, three…
Fez’s thoughts: Jackie’s in love with Hyde and I have nothing. Oh, look, I found an M & M! (He picks something off the floor and puts it in his mouth.) Oh, no. (He spits it out.)
Eric’s thoughts: My life sucks. (He looks around.) Okay, I really hope no one smelled that.
Kelso’s thoughts: All right! I’m the best looking person in this room. No. In this whole town. No! No, in this whole state. No!
(The camera pans to Red, who’s sitting and watching them all.)
Red’s thoughts: Dumbasses.
(Kitty walks into the room holding a big cardboard box.)
Kitty: So, how’s it going?
Red: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.
(Fez gives a guilty look.)
Kitty: Okay, well, um, your father’s gonna drive me to work.
Red: That’s right. And if you do anything wrong, I’ll know. Because one of you is a snitch. (The camera pans out to show the whole group, staring at Red.) You just think about that while I’m gone.
Kitty: Well, they’re not gonna do anything wrong because I brought a box of activites to occupy their time! (She laughs) So, um, be good and have fun! Do crafts! Not drugs!
(She walks out the door. Red follows behind her.)
Fez: Ooh, a model airplane. And glue!
(Red stops at the word “glue”. He turns around and takes the glue from Fez and walks out the door.)
(The Forman’s basement. Fez is sitting at the table working on the airplane. Kitty walks down the stairs.)
Kitty: Where’s Steven and Eric?
Fez: Umm…your hair is very pretty.
Kitty: Oh, they can’t leave the house, they’re grounded.
Fez: Oh, don’t worry about them. They’re at the Hub. (He realizes what he’s said.) Oh no, I am a snitch.
Kitty: Oh, Red is gonna be furious!
Fez: Mrs. Forman? May I tell you a little story about oppression?
Kitty: Okay. (She sits down next to Fez.)
Fez: Once, I had an ant farm. And they would not build their tunnels. I was furious, so I became very strict and stern with my ants. First they feared me and everything was fine. But eventually, the ants broke out and attacked me. So I had to kill them.
Kitty: So, um, you think we’re being too hard on the kids.
Fez: Well, I don’t know about that. I just wanted to let you know that I’m really sad because my ants are dead.
Kitty: (Stands) Okay. Well, Fez, thanks. (She kisses the top of his head.) You’re a good boy. (She goes up the stairs.)
Fez: Oh, the ladies want a piece of Fez!
(The Forman’s living room. Red is hanging bells with snowmen on them to the front door. Eric, Hyde, and Laurie are sitting on the couch. Kitty walks in the room with a plate of cake and stops when she sees Red.)
Kitty: What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just a little security measure. In case anybody tries to escape.
Kitty: Red, no, those are my Christmas bells, those are happy bells!
Red: Well, then they’re doing their job. Because I’m happy. Let’s have some cake. (He goes to his chair and gets some cake.)
Kitty: Okay. And, let’s watch some TV because that makes us all happy. (Looking at the TV Guide.) Okay, here we go, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour’s on.
Red: Oh, who the hell gave those people an entire hour?
Kitty: Well, I think this program is fun for the whole family. They’ve got, they’ve got Charo, and, and the rock band, Kiss. (She turns on the TV and they watch it.) Ok, see, now this is nice. A nice family who gets along, and sings, and dances.
Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. (Turns to Hyde) Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
(Hyde laughs.)
Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here? (She gets up and leaves.)
Hyde: That one’s my favorite.
Red: Well, I hope you’re happy because now you’ve upset your sister.
Eric: (Points to himself in disbelief that his father would blame him for it.) Oh, you know what? Forget it, dad. (He gets up and starts going upstairs.) Get your shots in now. Because when I’m gone, oh, I’m gonna be long gone!
(Kitty and Red turn to Hyde, who’s sitting on the couch twirling his hair.)
Hyde: I got no place to go, so…I’m gonna stay here. But the tension’s nice. Reminds me of home.
(Red glares at him. He gets up and leaves the living room.)
Red: Finally. Now I can enjoy the show in peace. (He watches for a few seconds.) Aw, this show is crap. (He gets up and leaves.)
(Kitty turns to the TV and begins imagining she and the rest of the family, including Donna, form a family called “The Forman Bunch” and are on TV in wildly colorful costumes starring in “The Forman Bunch Variety Hour”. They are singing and dancing.)
Kitty: (Singing) Feel funky, feel good.
Gonna tell you, I’m in the neighborhood.
Gonna fly like a bird on the wing,
hold onto your hat, now-
All: (Singing) Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me!
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me,
I got the music in me!
Yeah!
(The crows cheers as everyone except for Kitty and Red run off the stage.)
Kitty: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to the Forman Bunch Variety Hour! And boy, do we have a great show for you tonight.
(Eric and Hyde walk back on stage.)
Eric: Sorry, mom. We can’t stay for the show.
Crowd: No! No!
Kitty: Why not?
Eric: Well, living at home is unbearable, so we’ve decided to…run away. (He and Hyde make the hitchhiking gesture with their hands.)
Red: Hey! (He claps and smiles at the crowd as he walks offstage.)
Hyde: So thanks for everything, Mrs. F!
Kitty: Well, you boys can’t run away! Who’s gonna do the square dance with Shields and Yarnell?
Eric: Well, let Laurie do it. She’s been making out with Shields all day!
(Laurie emerges from the curtains, her face smeared with white makeup.)
Laurie: That’s a lie! (She wipes her face)
Kitty: Well, when will I see you again?
(Shirley Jones walks onto the stage.)
Shirley Jones: Don’t worry, Kitty, I’ll take care of them.
Kitty: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, star of stage and screen, Shirley Jones!
Hyde and Eric: Hi, mom!
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That’s right, Kitty.
Eric: We’re Partridges now.
Hyde: This is gonna be great. I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey.
Kitty: No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet.
Shirley Jones: Well, it may be inconvenient, Kitty, but we do get to spend a lot of time together.
Eric: That’s right. Mrs. Partridge quit her job to form a family band.
Shirley Jones: Yep, it’s all a matter of choices, Kitty. I guess you just chose to be a bad mother!
(Laurie runs back out.)
Laurie: Hey, Shirley, can I come? I play the tambourine.
Shirley Jones: Oh, I’m sorry, Laurie. No whores on my show.
Laurie: Oh, fine. Hey, Shields, wait up! (She runs back offstage.)
(Shirley Jones takes Hyde and Eric offstage. Charo walks out and stands next to Kitty.)
Charo: AAAAHHHHHH!! Cuchi, cuchi, cuchi! Waoh, waoh, wah!!!
Kitty: Can it, Charo.
(The screen morphs back to real life, Kitty sitting alone on the couch with a distraught look on her face as she watches the show.)
Kitty: Well, I am not gonna let that happen. (She takes a bite of cake.) Oh, no. This is crap. (She turns off the TV.)
(Eric is climbing off his roof. We see his foot dangling, then his whole body drops down. He’s dressed completely in black. He turns around and runs right into Red. Red glares at him. Eric smiles, caught. The screen cuts to Red and Eric walking into the kitchen.)
Kitty: Oh, no, honey!
Red: Yep, he thought he could sneak out.
Eric: So. What now, Ho Chi Minh?
Red: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, play time is over. Your friends are no longer allowed in the house.
Eric: Wait, what?
Kitty: No, no, we’ll talk about it in the morning.
Red: Fine, we’ll talk about it in the morning. (Eric walks toward the door to the living room.) We’ll talk about how your friends are no longer allowed in the house! (Eric throws up his hands in frustration and bangs on the door to open it. He leaves.)
Kitty: You know, I have an interesting idea. Why don’t we not punish him? Why don’t we try a little of that forgiveness that Jesus was always talking about?
Red: No, no. This is for his own good. Look, in order for Eric to be a happy, well adjusted adult, he has to be miserable now. That’s just good parenting. If I was to be Mr. Nice Guy now, do you know what would happen to Eric in a few years? Do you?
(Red’s imagination. He and Kitty are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.)
Red: Oh, Eric! Breakfast!
(Gene Simmons from KISS walks into the kitchen in full makeup. He sits down at the table.)
Kitty: Well, there’s my sweet little baby boy.
(Gene smiles at Kitty.)
Red: Why, oh, why didn’t I discipline you?
Gene Simmons: Shut up and eat your Cornflakes. (He sticks his tongue out and takes a bite of Cornflakes. The screen switches back to Red and Kitty standing in the kitchen.)
Red: That’s what. Never surrender, Kitty. Never retreat. We’re winning! The fact that Eric was desperate enough to climb out his window, shows that everything is working.
(Eric walks into his room. Donna is sitting on the bed.)
Donna: Surprise!
Eric: This is so great! I didn’t know you delivered.
(They start to kiss, but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
Red: Bed check, dumbass.
Eric: Holy crap! (He and Donna jump off the bed. Donna rushes behind the door as it’s being opened by Red and Kitty. Eric stands there, trying to look innocent.)
Kitty: No, it is not a bed check! We just wanna say good night, and we love you very, very much! (We hear banging coming from where Red went to.) What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just nailing his window shut. For his own good!
Eric: What if there’s a fire?
Red: Well, then I guess you can just light your dope with it, dopehead!
(Donna runs out of the room. She runs across the hall to Laurie’s room. When she runs in, Laurie and Kelso are on the bed making out. They stop when they see her.)
Laurie: Donna! Get out!
(Kelso grabs Donna’s arm.)
Kelso: Whoa! Not so fast, Laurie.
(Donna slaps him and Laurie hits him from underneath.)
Donna: Idiot! Red’s doing bed checks.
(They hear a knock.)
Red: Bed check!
(Kelso and Donna scramble under the bed. Laurie kneels at the foot of her bed to appear to be praying. Red and Kitty walk in.)
Laurie: And bless mommy, and bless daddy, and bless grandma….(Turns around) Oh, hi daddy!
Red: (Smiling at her.) Sorry to bother you, kitten. (He and Kitty leave. Laurie jumps up to lock the door.)
Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
Kelso: It was an accident.
Laurie: Shhh!
Donna: It’s still there!
Kelso: It’s still an accident!
Donna: Kelso, it’s still there!
Kelso: Yeah.
Donna: Well…
(Donna slaps him again.)
(The Forman’s basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair. Jackie is tormenting him. Fez is sitting on the couch.)
Jackie: You know, Steven. This hatred thing you have for me, is just you protecting yourself.
Hyde: Okay.
Jackie: It’s true. You’re afraid to reach the peaks of love, for fear of being dropped off a cliff. Well, I’m your safety line, Steven. So grab me.
Hyde: Go grab yourself, freak.
Kitty: (From upstaris) Okay, bed check! Here we come!
(Jackie, Fez, and Hyde jump up. Jackie and Fez run to the back room.)
Red: (From upstairs) Don’t yell, Kitty! You’re warning them!
Kitty: I’m not warning anybody. Getting closer! (They come downstairs.) Okay, um, we just, we wanted to say goodnight, and, um…(Red is checking the doorknob.) that you’re a good boy, and…even though you do some things that we don’t like, we still love you.
Red: And I’m watching you. (He goes upstairs.)
Kitty: And I’m cherishing you. (She follows Red.)
Fez: (Looks out from the back room.) Oh, no, Jackie, they’re still out there. (Pretending to listen) What was that? Oh, and they want our pants. (He gives thumbs up to Hyde. Hyde just laughs.)
(The Forman’s kitchen. Red and Kitty are sitting in their robes.)
Red: You hear that?
Kitty: (listens) I don’t hear anything.
Red: That’s right. Nothing. That’s the sound of discipline.
Kitty: No, that’s the sound of jail. This house used to be fun until you made it miserable!
Red: Well, I’m sorry, Kitty, but I think it’s working.
(We see through the window that the kids are all sneaking out of the house and trying to push the Vista Cruiser.)
Kitty: Oh, you do.
Red: Yes, I do.
Kitty: (Getting up and walking to the window.) Oh, you do.
Red: I just said I did.
Kitty: (She opens the door.) Red.
Red: (looks out the door.) Oh, hell’s bells! (He jumps up and goes outside. The kids stop and look at him.)
Kelso: It’s Red! Run for it! (He runs away.)
Red: Freeze!
Laurie: Daddy! Thank god you came! They were kidnapping me!
Red: Oh, shut up, that’s it, I have had it! You know what this means? More discipline!
Kitty: No, no…
Red: Oh, yes. Play time is over.
Kitty: Oh, stop saying that! Your cracking down is not working.
Eric: Hell, I could’ve told him that a week ago.
Kitty: Now is not the time to be a porky mouth. Red, I want my house back.
Fez: I once had an ant farm…
Kitty: Oh, honey, no, not now. Okay, okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. You (points to Red) are going to remember that he’s a good son. And you (points to Eric) are going to remember that he’s a good father, because I am not happy with the way this house is running.
Red: (To Eric) Oh! Now you see what you’ve done? You’ve made your mother unhappy!
Kitty: No, he didn’t! I’m not happy with everything! I’m not…I’m not happy with windows being nailed shut, and I’m not, I’m not happy with people sneaking around, and, and, I’m not happy with my Christmas bells on the front door!
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you, what do you want me to do? Pretend that nothing happened?
Kitty: Yes.
Red: No!
Kitty: Fine. Then, then that’s it. Then I’m staying home. I’m staying home full time and I am…I am taking back my house and, and that’s the way it is. Now. You (To Red) get upstairs and take those nails out of the window, and you, (to Eric) stop being such a sneaky smart mouth, and, and you! (To Fez) Honey, you gotta stop eating stuff off the floor! Now. Everyone, let’s just, let’s go back to happy! (She goes inside.)
Eric: So, I guess…play time is over! (He laughs at himself. Red glares at him.) I’m sorry, I…
Kitty: (singing) I don’t remember growing older.
Gene and Charo: (singing) When did they?
Gene: Sunrise.
Kitty: Sunset.
Charo: Sunrise.
Kitty: Sunset.
All: Swiftly through the years. One season following another. Laden with happiness and tears.
Charo: (yelling) Give it to me one more time! Cuchi! Ah, I love it!!
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