I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "That 70's Show". They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode "The First Time". It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
(Hyde, Eric, Fez, and Kelso are in Eric's basement. Eric is sitting on the couch, Hyde is sitting in his chair, and Kelso is sitting in the chair to the right of the couch. Fez is holding a spinner for the game Twister.)
Fez: Ok, here we go. (He spins the spinner.) Right hand blue. (He crawls behind the couch to where we can't see him. The others watch.)
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you're wrong, my friend. (There's a pause.) Right leg green. Oh, that's gonna be tough. (Fez's leg appears above the couch, then he slowly and methodically puts it back down.)
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'd pay you fifty bucks a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message.
(Donna walks in the door.)
Donna: I have the greatest news in the world. (She stops talking when she sees Fez. She stares at him.) How the hell are you doing that?
Fez: I'm double jointed.
Donna: Super. (She sits down on the couch next to Eric.) My parents are renewing their wedding vows.
Eric: Wait, so, double dating degenerates and skeezy bar hags just lost its appeal?
Hyde: You'd be amazed how fast skeezy bar hags lose their appeal. But then like, two beers later it all comes roaring back!
Donna: No, finally the insanity's over! And now I'm, I'm really happy about this, Eric, and you should be, too. My parents have been driving me nuts and I've probably been a little moody lately.
Eric: No, god, you haven't been moody. (He puts his arm around her and when she's looking away, mouths "She's so moody" to Hyde.)
Kelso: Oh, this is great. Jackie's gonna get wedding fever. Man, all I'm gonna hear is, "Michael, at our wedding don't shove cake in my face." And, "You better know how to dance." And, "There will not be a trampoline." A wedding without a trampoline. That's crazy talk.
Hyde: Yeah, it'd be like a funeral without a dunk tank.
(This sarcasm is totally lost on Kelso.)
Kelso: Kay, she even knows what kind of china pattern she wants. Pink and purple with unicorns. Who wants to see a unicorn when they're eating pie?
(Hyde just stares at him in disbelief.)
Fez: Left leg yellow. (He pops up from behind the couch.) Will someone please help me get my pants off?
Eric: NO!
("That 70's Show" theme song plays.)
(Donna and Eric are sitting on a couch in the Pinsciotti's living room. Donna is writing her parent's vows on a pad of paper. Eric brushes her hair away from her neck and leans over to kiss it.)
Donna: (Laughing) Stop it! (She gently pushes him away.)
Eric: Are you sure you have to help your parents with their wedding vows? (He tries to kiss her neck again.)
Donna: (Pushing him away again) Yes! Quit it.
Eric: I got a vow. I vow to kiss you so hard your pretty little red head pops off. (Donna laughs. Eric takes the pencil out of her hand.) No, I could really make that happen! (He starts to climb on her to kiss her, but she grabs his arms and shoves him down on the couch so that she's on top of him and he can't move.)
Donna: Quit it!
Eric: Donna, I'm sorry. Pinning me only makes it sexier. (Donna laughs, then she leans down and kisses him. Just then, Bob and Midge walk in.)
Bob: Hey, kids.
Eric: Hey, Donna, get off of me! (He squirms out from under Donna and sits himself on a stool sitting next to the couch.) Hello.
Donna: So, uh, what's up?
Bob: Well, your mom and I have been talking, we have a few ideas about the vows. (They sit down next to Donna on the couch.) First of all, a wedding is a nice way to spend the day. (Donna nods, expecting more.) Write that down. Spending the day with your mom is nice. That's my first vow.
Eric: I don't think that's a vow.
Bob: (Annoyed) Yes, it is.
Donna: Ok, uh, mom. Why do you wanna get remarried?
Midge: Well, when your dad an I were in the attic, we figured out I still fit in my wedding dress!
Bob: That's good, too. Midge, you're as thin today as the day I married you. That's a nice vow. Write!
(The Forman's living room. Bob is talking to Red and Kitty about the wedding. He's sitting on the couch, Red is sitting in his chair and Kitty is standing behind him.)
Bob: So the ceremony and reception will be completely green and gold. In honor of the Packers.
Red: That's classy, Bob.
Bob: And Red, since you and I have a special bond, I'd like you to be my best man.
(Red starts laughing and Bob just stares at him, his face straight. Red stops laughing.)
Red: Really?
Bob: Yep.
Red: Well, I, I don't know, Bob.
Kitty: Oh, I think that is just lovely. (She whacks Red on the shoulder.)
Red: Yeah, fine, uh, I'd love to be your best man.
Bob: And Kitty, since you and Midge are so close, she'd like to ask you a special favor.
Kitty: (deeply touched) Oh, Bob! I would be honored to be Midge's-
Bob: She'd like you to bring chairs.
Kitty: (let down)-- chair bringer.
(Hyde walks into the living room from the kitchen. He heads toward the stairs.)
Bob: Oh, Steven! How'd you like to be our wedding photographer?
Hyde: Nope! I like to party at parties. (He heads up the stairs)
Bob: I'll give you ten bucks.
Hyde: Twenty plus a meatball sub.
Bob: Deal.
Hyde: Deal. (He disappears up the stairs.)
Bob: Well, gotta go pick up my green and gold tux. It's a special order. Guy looked at me like I was an idiot.
(Red looks at Bob like he's an idiot.)
Bob: Yeah. That was the look. (He walks out the front door.)
Kitty: Well, can you beat that. Midge and I are much better friends than you and Bob.
Red: Well, men's friendships-
Kitty: All of my life I have wanted to be a bridesmaid. None of my friends have ever asked me to be a bridesmaid.
Red: Well, that's 'cause you're too pretty.
Kitty: Oh, can it. That's not gonna work. I am gonna be a bridesmaid. (She storms into the kitchen.)
Red: Hey. Wanna be the best man?
(The photo hut. Leo is talking to somebody through the drive-thru window.)
Leo: I'm sorry, man, I must've lost your film. Are you sure it was this hut?
(The car drives away.)
Hyde: Hey man. All right, check this out, ok? A friend of mine's having a wedding this weekend. And I told him that I'd be the photographer.
Leo: Whoa, cool, man. I remember my wedding, it was magical, man. Chicks and booze everywhere.
Hyde: And I'd be willing to miss all that chicky boozy fun to take pictures, you know. But Leo, man, I got a problem. I can't see through the viewfinder, because I have a glass eye.
Leo: How come your eye doesn't look like glass, man?
Hyde: Well that's 'cause it's special space age glass.
Leo: Whoa, your eye was in space? That's awesome, man! (He reaches up to touch Hyde's eye and Hyde bats his hand away.)
Hyde: Ok. So here's the deal, all right. Job pays ten bucks, and half a meatball sub. So I'm missing out on a pretty sweet deal, here. Damn you, glass eye.
Leo: Well, hey, I could use the ten bucks, man. And half a meatball sub. If only I had a camera.
(Hyde looks up to the top of the shelves of the photo hut. They are filled with cameras. He takes one down and hands it to Leo.)
Leo: Whoa! Hey, it's all coming together, man!
(Eric's basement. Eric, Hyde, Fez, and Kelso are getting dressed up to go to the rehearsal dinner.)
Fez: Why do we have to get all dressed up for the stupid rehearsal dinner?
Eric: Because my mom said so.
Hyde: And we don't argue with mommy.
Kelso: Ok. So Jackie hasn't made me read a single bride's magazine. I tell you, man, ever since I set her house on fire she's been acting really weird.
Eric: Hey, you know, uh, when I'm trying to get in good with Donna, you know what works for me? I don't set her house on fire!
Kelso: Oh, sure. Eyesight's twenty twenty.
(Laurie walks through the door holding a tie. She walks up to Eric.)
Laurie: Here, loser, mom wants you to put this on.
Kelso: Hey, Laurie.
(Laurie turns around and glares at Kelso.)
Laurie: Where have you been, you idiot?
Kelso: Oh, well, Jackie was…
Laurie: I told you never to say that name to me. We have a relationship!
Kelso: That's true, so…
Laurie: Shut up.
(She leaves the basement.)
(At the rehearsal dinner in the Forman's house. Michael and Jackie are talking.)
Kelso: Jackie. Hear me now. I am not helping with any of the wedding stuff.
Jackie: Good.
Kelso: Oh, nice try, Jackie, but the reverse psychology's not gonna work on me. My mind's too powerful.
Jackie: Whatever. (She walks away.)
Kelso: Ok. No, wait, Jackie, that's confusing! I'm not chasing after you! (He stands there for a few seconds, looks around to make sure no one's watching, then chases after her.)
(Cut to Kitty. Bob walks up to her.)
Bob: Oh, Kitty! Would you like to meet the bridesmaids?
Kitty: Oh, Bob, would I like to be a bridesmaid?
Bob: No, would you like to meet the bridesmaids.
Kitty: Oh. Whatever. Fine.
Bob: Good. (She follows him to three young women she's never seen before.) Uh, Kitty, this is Barbara, Honor, and Holly.
Kitty: Hi.
Bob: Holly's the maid of honor.
Holly: Which is ironic, that Honor is not the maid of honor.
Honor: I am so gonna get you.
Holly: Shut up.
Barbara: For god's sake, don't do this now.
Holly and Honor: You shut up!
Barbara: I didn't fly in from Istanbul for this!
Kitty: Well, um, well, that is, is just a lovely dress. (Indicates Holly's sparkling black dress.)
Holly: (flattered) Oh!
Kitty: Where do the batteries go? Ha, ha! Peace out! Ha ha! (She walks over to Red.) Ok, Red, you're the best man, you make the toast. I would, but, I'm not from Istanbul.
Red: Oh, fine. (He stands up.) Ahem. 'Scuse me. (Nobody listens.) Hello! (Nobody still listens.) Listen up you bastards! (every head in the room turns to Red.) Um, sorry about the uh, the bastards thing. Anyway, I'd like to make a special toast to two very special people, Bob and Midge.
Everyone: Awww!
Red: Bob and Midge. Bobby, and Midgey! Here's to Bob and Midge!
(They drink and Bob and Midge kiss.)
Everyone: Awww!
(Midge walks up to Red and Kitty.)
Midge: Red, that was a lovely toast.
Red: Well, thanks.
Midge: Kitty, I have another big favor to ask.
Kitty: Uh-huh?
Midge: At the ceremony, I'm wearing something old, something new, something borrowed, and I wondered if you had something blue I could borrow?
Kitty: No, but I have something sharp and rusty I'd love to give you. (She laughs, and in a few seconds so does Midge.)
(Cut to Donna talking to Bob.)
Donna: Um, dad, can I talk to you for a second? I've been trying to work what we talked about into your vows, but I'm having a little trouble.
Bob: You put in that thing about your mom staying thin?
Donna: Yeah.
Bob: So what's the problem?
Donna: Well, dad, it just doesn't seem very…
Bob: Hey, there's nothing in there about me being thin, is there? 'Cause I can't get enough of these weenies. (He walks away.)
Donna: I can't believe this!
(Eric walks up)
Eric: Hey, good lookin'! Have a cocktail weenie?
Donna: Leave me alone. (She storms away.)
Eric: What, that's not a metaphor! Look, cocktail weenies!
(Eric's basement. Donna has come down the stairs in frustration. Eric follows her.)
Donna: My god, can you believe it?
Eric: I know, it's unbelievable! (Shrugs in confusion not knowing what he doesn't believe.)
Donna: These are wedding vows, Eric. Vows. They're supposed to mean something!
Eric: Well, yeah, that's what I said, and I was told to shut up!
Donna: Shut up. What is this? (Indicates the drink he's holding.)
Eric: Scotch and soda.
Donna: (she grabs the glass out of his hand and takes a drink.) Blegh! That's not scotch!
Eric: You're right! It's a Shirley Temple. I just didn't wanna say that 'cause it sounded like something Chris McNickel would drink, so…
Donna: God! Their marriage almost ended, they put me through hell, and now that they're getting back together, it's like it doesn't even mean anything! How am I supposed to write about love when they are the worst example in the entire world?
Eric: No, no, okay, look, they may not be the best example but, they do love each other. They just can't express it or, really any thoughts more complex than I'm hungry. (Donna laughs.) But the important thing is that they really do love each other.
Donna: Yeah, I guess they do.
Eric: They do, you know they do. And that's why they need you to say what they can't say. Because, despite your bimbo-like good looks, you're very smart. (they both laugh.) Look, write the vows that you would write. And Donna, I know…I know it'll be great.
Donna: Ok. Thanks. (She leans over and kisses him on the cheek.)
(At the wedding. Hyde is talking to Fez. Leo walks in.)
Hyde: Oh, hey! Fez! Uh, if anybody asks, this is a glass eye.
Fez: What?
Hyde: Hey! Leo, man! You all set?
Leo: Totally, man, I got everything.
Hyde: Great! Where's the camera?
Leo: I got everything but the camera. Or the film. Or the flash cubes. Heh. I got nothing, man.
Hyde: Leo, man, the photo hut is loaded with that stuff.
Leo: I know, it's ironic, isn't it?
Hyde: And yet, not surprising. (He pulls out a camera and hands it to Leo.)
(Leo walks up to where the three bridesmaids are standing.)
Leo: Hey, I'm Leo. And I'm also a Leo. Think about it.
Holly: Yeah, wow! I'm Holly, and I think that's deep.
(Cut to Jackie and Kelso sitting in the chairs set up for the ceremony.)
Kelso: Boy, this wedding's gonna be pretty lame without a trampoline, huh?
Jackie: Whatever.
Kelso: All right, Jackie. If you're mad at me, well then use your mad voice. And if you're not, well then lady, you better start chewing my ear off like usual!
Jackie: Look, Michael. I'm not mad, ok?
Kelso: Ghah! Could you be any more annoying?
(She turns to glare at him.)
Jackie: Yes!
(In one of the Forman's hallways. Kitty is carrying some chairs. Midge rushes in dressed in her bridal gown.)
Midge: Oh, Kitty, it's a disaster! The ceremony's starting and I can't find Holly!
Kitty: Well, I'm sure she's here somewhere. I bet if we listen real hard we can hear her dress! Ha ha ha! (Midge just stares at Kitty, upset.) All right, sweetie, I'll help you look.
Midge: (walks away) Holly!
(Kitty sets down the chairs and hears girlish laughter coming from the closet. Intrigued, she sneaks over and opens the door. She becomes instantly wide-eyed.)
Holly: Have you ever seen a girl do this before?
Leo: Uh, once in Amsterdam. I love photography, man. (The flashbulb goes off a few times and Kitty shuts the door.)
Kitty: Oh my. Midge? (Midge walks in, still flustered and upset.) Sweetie, now, I just, um, I just, I don't have a good feeling about this.
Midge: What am I gonna do?
Kitty: Well, you don't worry about that. You go back inside.
Midge: Oh, thank you Kitty.
Kitty: You're welcome.
(Midge goes back into the ceremony. Kitty opens the closet door again. She reaches down to get the bridesmaid's dress that Holly has shed. As she pulls it away, Holly's foot almost kicks her, but she pulls away in time. She shuts the door again and clutches the dress happily.)
Kitty: I win!
(Cut to Jackie. She's at the food table. Kelso comes up holding a wrapped box.)
Kelso: Jackie. This is for you.
(Jackie opens the box and stares at it's contents. She pulls out a candy dish and stares at Michael in disbelief.)
Jackie: Oh my god! Pink and purple with a unicorn! You remembered!
Kelso: Of course I remembered. I remember everything you tell me even when you think I don't.
Jackie: (Skeptical) Really. What's my favorite season?
Kelso: Fall?
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: Uh, the outfits flatter your chestnut eyes.
Jackie: And?
Kelso: Slimming lines and dark colors.
Jackie: Oh my god, Michael! When you started acting like an immature jerk, I started having doubts about us. But now this purple and pink unicorn candy dish proves you're a grown up! Oh! (They hug)
(The wedding ceremony. Fez pushes an 8-track into a player and music plays. Bob is standing at the altar, and Kitty and the other two bridesmaids walk in. Kitty has a huge smile on her face.)
Kitty: I'm a bridesmaid!
(Midge walks down the aisle and joins Bob at the altar.)
Bob: First of all, Midge and I would like to thank everyone for coming. It really means a lot to us. The vows we're exchanging were written by our daughter Donna, whom we love very much. (He turns to Midge.) Midgey, I consider it a privilage to be your husband. Donna, I actually feel that way!
(Donna smiles.)
Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife.
(The camera focuses on Donna and Eric, who are sitting across the aisle from each other, and Bob and Midge read the vows. Eric flashes Donna a smile and makes and ok sign.)
Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge: So we know all the good stuff…
Bob: …and all the not so good stuff about each other.
(Donna and Eric stare at each other, as if the words Bob and Midge are speaking are really being spoken by them.)
Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I wanna make you a promise.
Midge: No matter what happens…
Bob: Good or bad…
Midge: (Donna mouths these words to Eric as Midge speaks.) I will always love you.
Kitty: Awww!
(Everyone claps.)
(Eric's bedroom. Donna and Eric burst in. Donna shoves Eric against the wall and kisses him vigorously. Eric pulls away.)
Eric: Ok, Donna wait.
Donna: What?
Eric: Well, first you drag me away from the wedding, and then you kiss me all the way over here, and then you pull me upstairs and shove me into my bedroom and put your hands all over my body, I just-I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Donna: Huh. If only there were a way to make my feelings clear with some sort of action! (She turns of the light and kisses him again, and again he pulls away.)
Donna: Yeah, heh, ok, that's, um, ha ha, extremely funny. (He turns the lights back on.) But uh, every, every time this starts happening, it winds up not happening. And then, you skip home…tra la la la la.
Donna: I know, I know, and I'm sorry. It's just, you know, before now I wasn't ready.
Eric: Yeah, and, I understand that Donna, it's just that-wait, wait, go back!
Donna: I wasn't ready before now.
Eric: Before now, like…right now?
Donna: Eric, when I had to write those vows, I had to think about love. When I thought about love, I thought about you. I love you Eric, and I, I wanna be with you.
Eric: God, Donna, I…love you.
(They kiss, and for the third time, Eric pulls away.)
Eric: Are you sure sure?
Donna: Yes, yes. (They kiss. Donna pulls off Eric's jacket, Eric takes off Donna's over shirt.)
Special thanks to Heather for proofreading this episode for me!
Go on to the "next part", After Glow.
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