Smile, walk with pavement, and move against the frustration. And you cannot get this song out of your head. You look good today- what people say makes you scowl- and you like yourself, look at yourself and you smile, and you can't stop calling yourself stupid because you are, you are. You mess up in a hundred ways every minute, you are so loaded with sin and things for those you love to hate. And no one's inside your head- you won't let them in- but you have to, you have to- are you so small? That you cannot take this? This one little thing? How do you keep sliding back, falling away from the heights you fought up to, slide away from yourself, fall into the person you'd stopped being and you're frustrated again. And your language drops a notch, you start saying "sucks" when you said you wouldn't, you LIE. In your actions you lie, in everything you are someone to hate. And you forgive yourself but it's still there, it'll always be there and how can you live with it? You go to type paragraphs that make no sense, listen to riffs to understand things you know you will prolong the pain, and you DON'T pray today cause you had HOMEWORK to do, you know why you're here but you feel trapped, you are crushed so easily now. So easily. Push away the dense callouses of pop-culture and nihlism that press upon your sides but when these things are not your you can become weak too--- the weak callouses are elsewhere but you are still bending to break, still smiling knowing that something has changed, unable to express what you mean in words even to yourself. You are crazy, and human, like everyone, and you NEED God, and you get lost from him all the time even when he's right there and you love and act pathetic and lose your willpower and end up in places that you need to ask yourself why you're there. And you can't stop calling yourself stupid. You forgive yourself but you are.
And in reading you fall asleep on yourself.
September 12, 4:09 pm
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