MY LIFE - JANUARY

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

His alarm went off, but he really didn't notice it much more than to just turn it off and fall back asleep briefly. He finally woke up about a half hour later and got the bath water running so he could get himself cleaned up. While waiting for the tub to fill up, he shaved a little so he didn't look quite as scuzzy as he had when he woke up. After a few minutes, he climbed into the tub and took a bath.

He had to work today, unlike last night when he wasn't scheduled to work, but ended up working anyway because one of the other techs, Linda, called off. He still wasn't particularly pleased with it, but he knew if he had said no that he'd feel incredibly guilty. His conscience would eat at him with no end. So he had sucked it up and gone in for five hours, only to have to listen to Paul go on and on about things that were irrelevant. He still didn't understand Paul or why he got so worked up over such stupid things.

Such is the way for some people.

He continued to get ready for work while going over a bunch of things in his head. He checked his e-mail really quick before leaving and didn't feel too proud of himself after reading one of them. He knew he shouldn't have sent that person the e-mail he sent the night before, but he wanted to know why there hadn't been any responses or anything like that. He now knew why and didn't feel too proud.

He tried to let it go and left for work on time for once. Of course it was snowing lightly outside, so why would people want to drive like it wasn't that bad? He cursed to himself as he tried to stay patient with the people driving at 40mph on the freeway when there was no reason why you couldn't do 60mph. He left on time, but it took him five to ten minutes longer to get to work.

He punched in two minutes late, which really isn't much, but it's still being late and he despised being late. He quickly finds something to do and preoccupies his thoughts with how next week might go. He doesn't want to think about how much of a mess things will be down another person when the pharmacy's already down two people, but he can't help it. He wonders how long he'll be working six days and if he should've reconsidered what he had told Steve.

The afternoon went by smoothly with only minor problems from Swati, but she always has a problem. He thinks that if she does something right, it will be the first time and will warrant a prize. He assumes register like he has been doing and takes care of the customers as quickly as he can despite the fact that Linda, who decided to come in today, is refusing to help as usual. He doesn't worry about it though and does only what he can do.

He finally got his break and had his chance to finally relax. Upon returning, he found that it was still fairly slow and the rest of the night went by quickly. He spent a couple hours at his friends house playing Perfect Dark before driving home in a snowstorm. How fortunate he felt to have that privilege. It was a snowstorm that caused problems for him with his first car two years ago. The past is the past though and he quickly forgot about that.

Upon arriving home, he had a chance to think about all the things that he had encountered during the day. The pretty blonde who seemed to have such a nice personality, but was ultimately not the kind of girl he'd probably be comfortable with anyway. It wasn't even that she might have been on the slow side intellectually, it was just that the really attractive girls don't seem to like him. If they do, he's obviously not picking up on it like he should.

He thinks about what Linda said about Paul, about how Paul was always upset over having to ring so much or do this and do that. He found it stupid too because he recalled looking at a report and finding that Paul wasn't anywhere near the top of the list in terms of number of sales. If he remembered right, his name, D Kreal, was near the top with the second most sales during the week only behind Swati, which was nothing new. The argument by Paul? Worthless. It seemed to him that Paul was forgetting that there were people with seniority over him, but that also seems to be the norm for Paul.

The biggest thought on his mind was the question of whether he was ever going to manage to find a girlfriend. Everything he had tried recently had not been working at all and it didn't seem like he was doing enough. Either he had been trying to talk to the wrong people or he was doing something wrong, but he can never tell. No one ever bothers to tell him anything. He wondered how he was ever going to learn if no one was willing to point out what he was doing wrong.

He didn't even like to think about that, but it was kind of hard to avoid the subject. Whenever he'd go to the mall, he'd hate seeing all the couples walking by, happy, smiling, talking, and enjoying each other. Jealousy was definitely a large part of what he was feeling and he just couldn't stand to see it. He tried to push the thought out of his head so he could concentrate on what he was doing.

But what was he trying to accomplish? He wasn't sure. He just knew that he had to write back the people that had written him, talk to the people that were trying to talk to him, figure out a way of getting rid of the people that were bothering him, and then go to bed.

He still didn't understand how one girl, who lives over 100 miles from him and his only 16, can put in her profile that she was kind of seeing him but was taking it slowly. He failed to comprehend how he could attract all the crazy people, but couldn't attract a decent girl who lived relatively close to him.

He knew he just had too much on his mind again, but that's just how he was. Always thinking about things and how things might go. Everything he'd think about, he'd have several ways for it to turn out. Nevermind that things never turned out the way he ever thought they might, he just thought that way.

He knew his thinking too much was costing him sleep though. Every night had become a chore to fall asleep because he'd invariably be thinking about several different things. He'd be wondering how this might turn out or how that might work. He'd envision how he'd like things to go and then think that things never work out the way he wants them to.

He tried to shove these thoughts out of his head, but he knew it was hopeless. He was destined to think a lot and was always going to be quiet during those moments. He thought about how amazed people always seemed to be when he would be quiet for a long time, then just say he was thinking. He wasn't sure if it was because people didn't believe him or something else. He really didn't care. Other opinions mattered very little to him since it was worrying about others' opinions that got him into so much trouble in the past.

He looked at the clock with dismay. It was already later than he thought it would be. He hated being up this late, but his internal clock was so messed up, it would take at least a week to straighten it out.

"Fuck it," he said and decided it was time to go to bed. He decided sleeping on it was the best solution right now so that he didn't get himself worked up over something silly.

As he fell asleep, he realized that he needed to stop thinking so much, but recognized that it probably won't happen anytime soon.

---

I hope that doesn't sound too down-trodden, because today was actually a pretty good day. It wasn't busy at work and I was generally having fun, which was probably related to the amount of sugar I took in from the chocolate donuts and chocolate crunch ice cream bar.

Part of the above is a creative writing experiment, but it's based on what was going on with me today. Everything I wrote about happened as I wrote it (aside from going to bed) and nothing's made up in there. I just like doing things differently every now and then. I also wanted to address some points and maybe see things from another perspective.

Sometimes the third person view allows you to see and realize things about yourself that you wouldn't otherwise notice. It allows you to be more objective and maybe solve any of the problems mentioned.

I did write an e-mail yesterday that I could've worded better and feel kind of guilty for writing it now. I did think a lot about the increased work load that will be put on my shoulders until we get more help in. I thought about how stupid Paul can act sometimes. I did think about that girl who's just going way too far with all this shit that she thinks is going on between us.

I know I'm not getting enough sleep because of all this. I need to find another way to release all this inside of me since writing about it just isn't cutting it like it did at first. Until I find another solution though, this is going to have to do.

I just hope that things fall into place because there are a lot of questions surrounding me with no answers right now. It's kind of amazing that I haven't been subdued just yet by all this. Usually when I have so much on my mind, I get even more quiet and reserved.

We'll see how things go. Maybe I just need a day where I can just rest. That's a joke though. I'll never be able to rest in the near future.