MY LIFE - JUNE

Thursday, June 6, 2002

I hate being sick. It's always the worst in the morning too. By the afternoon, I don't feel nearly half as bad and then question why I'd call off work. Then I remember being a lifeless blob, unable to function, much less go to work feeling the way I felt. So now I'm awake, I feel so much better, and I keep thinking that things are going to get better.

Then I go back to the house and remember that shit, things are going pretty shitty right now and there's only a few things holding me up, keeping me from going completely ballistic. Friends, family, coworkers, and my cat. Those things are keeping me stable and I've realized just how important each and everyone of you is to me.

My friends, online and offline, have made it clear that they care. Some of said to be near tears when reading my account of the night of the fire (see June 2 entry) and when I talk about Morgue. Others have expressed their sympathy and told me if I need to talk about it, they'll listen. I've never had so many people offer to listen to me in my life. I'm kind of used to it the other way around. Me listening to someone else's problem and then no one listening to me.

My sisters and mom have recovered well from the incident, although every now and then you have to reflect on the things that might have been lost. Not a day goes by without one of us wondering if something else had been lost in the fire. At least one of us remembers something and wonders about it, me more than anyone else. Yet we remain upbeat, confident, and unshaken completely by what has transpired. Yeah, $84,000 of damage was done structurally, but the house is still standing and the animals, well most of them, survived, albeit a little spooked.

My coworkers and my mom's coworkers have been great, although in different ways. My coworkers have constantly joked with me about what happened, making me laugh, and keeping me from completely going down. Jim has been the worst (best?) one, constantly coming up with things for me to suggest I lost (big screen tv, the rolex, you name it, he's said it). Everyone's been great, asking me the appropriate questions and not getting too personal about any of it.

My mom's have raised money and comforted her throughout all of this. She said the other day she didn't realize she had such great friends at work until this happened and all of a sudden, they had raised $200 for her. It's been to good use since we have no idea how much we lost in terms of personal items. I myself am going to clear $3000 if my computer's gone.

So although things haven't been great, they could've been worse. We could've been alone through this and not able to cope with the disaster.

---

I've had more than person lately ask me where I get the motivation and patience to do all the writing that I can do. I've had several people comment that I write things very well and that I have the ability to make you feel like you're actually there with me. I don't know how true this is, but I do try and make the events I talk about as real as I can. I try to paint as vivid a picture of what took place as possible so that you can feel like you're there with me, feeling what I feel and seeing what I'm seeing.

My most memorable entries have come at times of transition for me, at times where things are changing drastically. I feel my best entries are the entries about our fire, about my breakup, and about my store transfer. All three were major events that changed my life one way or another. It seems the more of an effect the change has on me, the better I write and the more detail I include.

I'm not trying to make myself sound like I'm some award-winning writer, but I feel that I have a legitimate talent and one that I haven't taken enough advantage of. There's so much to be accomplished by being a writer and I think for too long I tried to make my entries funny, as if I felt the only way people would read me was if I said something humorous about everything I felt.

So I tried hard (too hard) to write entries that were mixed with humor. Too often, this killed the entry that I was writing and ended it prematurely because I wouldn't be able to think of anything that I thought was funny.

At some point I realized I would just be better off writing what I felt and ignored trying to be funny and realized that some of the funniest things I ever wrote were when I wasn't trying so hard, when I was just writing the things off the top of my head. One older entry is a good example of that. It was short, to the point, and I still laugh when I read it. I think it was only one paragraph too, but I didn't feel good and I feel my humor really came out in that one.

Then I read an entry that's almost painful to read because I can tell I'm trying to tell it in a way that's funny, but it's unfunny and therefore it doesn't work.

I no longer write trying to be funny because a lot of things people wouldn't understand and probably wouldn't think they were funny even if they did. I'm just not someone who can write humor. I'm better portraying it in person, using my facial expressions and tones of voice that I use.

As a result, many of my entries can have a more serious tone and this may lead some people to think that I'm some serious-ass guy who has never laughed in his life. Well, anyone who knows me knows otherwise. I do have my moments when it's time to be serious, but for the most part, I goof off a lot. I do funny shit.

I just can never remember some of it when it comes to writing, other things just aren't as funny as they were when they originally happened, like the stuffed-dog and stuffed-cat comment made yesterday. It was hilarious while at work, but it wasn't nearly as funny when I tried to tell anyone else about it.

Some things just aren't funny when you try and talk about them either, especially in a forum that involves the written word. I could sit here all night and type about things that are funny, but only one or two things would probably make you laugh, the rest, well, you'd probably just shake your head and wonder what I hit my head on this time.

It's not to say I'm not funny in person. I think I'm a fucking riot in person. But I'm not funny in traditional ways. I do stranger shit than most people do to try and get people to laugh, often times the biggest laughs are the way I react to certain things, whether they be events or things that were said.

I just don't want people to get the wrong idea about me.

---

I went back to our house today to check on the animals and it was pretty obvious how happy Shade was to see me (our big black lab). He immediately jumped against the wooden gate that keeps him out of the basement and knocked two boards down the steps right into the door that I hadn't completely opened up yet. He was jumping and barking and making as much noise as possible. When I finally got up there, he was all over me, unable to contain his enthusiasm.

I let him and Anubis out and then went downstairs to check on our cats. Immediately, Kisa knew I was home because she started meowing up a storm. I looked up (she's been hiding in the basement ceiling) and saw her poke her head out through one of the openings where there's normally a light. I walked to the other side of the basement, navigated through all the boxes and the furnace, and waited for her to walk over and jump down, which she did.

My little white cat was completely covered in dirt. Her legs were almost completely grey and the rest of her was covered in lighter shades of grey, all but the very top of her back, which was still white. She then immediately jumped on to me (she's only been doing this since the fire) and left a pawpring, as well as several grey streaks, on my shirt.

After her customary kiss (she licks my nose), she wanted me to put her down so I did and she immediately went over to the food dish and started eating. This actually concerns me because I don't think that she's coming down except when I come by, which means she's only eating when I come by either.

She won't come down for my mom or my sisters either, just me. It's the epitome of a cat that is so attached to her owner that her owner, me, is the only one who can get her to do certain things. For one, I dare anyone else to even try and pick her up. It just ain't happening. Nor will you get her to come to you when you call her name, at least for a few months. She will only respond to me and occasionally, my mom and sisters. My sister's boyfriend tried calling her and she completely ignored him. She knows her name, just not his voice.

This is also why she's going wherever I'm going, present suite excluded. She's my cat and my cat only. It's the most I've ever like I actually have had a pet in my life and I've had her eight years. It just was decided early on that she was my cat and since then, she's been uncanny when it comes to listening to me and letting me do certain things.

I think that I have the only cat that will actually attack when you tell her to. She used to do that with Morgue all the time, chasing him after I'd go up to her and whisper, "go get him Kisa." She'd do it and she'd do it every time, getting herself so worked up in the process that she'd continue to go after long after I was done telling her to.

It's really simple though. You have to accept my cat if you're going to accept me. She's kind of like my kid. If she doesn't like you, then the prospects aren't good. One girl found this out when she tried to dismiss Kisa from the room we were in. She got swatted pretty good for that one. Kisa is a part of my life, and because of that, you have to accept her. If you can't, then things aren't going to work well.

Thankfully, she's much more trusting of people now than she used to be. Just remember, don't try to move to fast or try to pick her up and she'll be fine.

Oh, and so will you.

---

I've been using a lot of different slang phrases, and I'm not really sure why right now. Some of them are obviously from listening to rap music (like my weird habit of occasionally saying y'all and aight), others, well, others I'm not sure of.

I've been on this "dude" kick lately and I have no clue where I picked it up from. Yeah, people have been saying it for years, but I just re-picked it up probably a couple weeks ago and now I say it all the time and I know it's annoying, but I keep saying it.

That and I keep saying "shit" more than I normally would. Everything's either "dude" or "shit" when someone tells me something that's messed up. I don't mean to do it, but I can't help it.

Kind of like my "whatever" kick that I was on for about a month last year. Again, it's something that's been around for a while, but I don't pick up on it when everyone else does. I seem to pick up on it long after it's gotten old.

Now that I think of it, I seem to do it just because I'm trying to annoy people by saying things that are old fads, but they suddenly become cool to me. It's more of a way for me to get a reaction from people rather than me trying to prove something, although "dude" seems to be used more in conjuction with me trying to get a point across.

So next time you hear me say something like that, just give me a good smack. I can't guarantee that I'll stop it, but at least you'll feel better.

At least until I say something even more stupid than what I've been saying.