MY LIFE - JUNE

Sunday, June 16, 2002

It's taken about 3 weeks, but I'm finally starting to feel good about things again. I just noticed this yesterday when I was sitting at home. I had this thought that kind of went along the lines of "hey, I feel pretty good right now."

Yeah, freaky, isn't it? In any case, I spent most of the night feeling pretty good and then I wrote about Morgue and the bad feelings that went back to the fire kind of dropped my mood a little bit. But it didn't last this time around. No, I woke up feeling pretty good, this despite having some more weird dreams.

I hate that. I wake up during the middle of a dream, then I can't remember what the dream was, but I just know that it was pretty messed up. I knew this one was messed up, but I couldn't remember what it was.

My dreams are like that though. They usually involve people I've been around or cared about for a long time, and while most of the time it doesn't involve anything bad, it can sometimes involve a less than ideal situation occuring with someone I care about.

The worst ones are the ones where I know my mom or my sisters were in them, something bad happened, but I can't remember what it was.

I never really tried to analyze my dreams though. That would require you remembering them and I can't do it. I can remember like one small detail, like all I could remember about this dream last night was that there was some blonde girl in my dream, but she didn't look like anyone I knew.

I can't remember any other details from the dream though, which is probably a good thing given that the shit I do remember can get kind of weird.

I used to have dreams all the time where dinosaurs would be in my dreams, and there would always be a Tyrannosaurus Rex standing outside my bedroom window. Man, that shit would freak the hell out of me for about two weeks. Then a month after that, I'd have the dream again.

I also used to dream a lot about my mom and I having all these encounters with either tornados or long, high bridges. I don't know what the deal is with the bridges myself. I usually wake up right when we're about to go on this insanely high, insanely narrow bridge and it seems like we're going to fall off. With the tornados, I wake up right before it hits us. Either way, I wake up sweating and not really in the mood to go back to sleep.

I haven't had dreams like that in a while though. Now my dreams are just straight messed up, almost like I'm doing drugs while sleeping.

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I was up until around 6 in the morning today trying to work on little bits and pieces of this site because I know a lot of it hasn't been up to my standards and probably isn't up to many people's standards either. It just hasn't been easy for me to write on a consistent basis over the last couple years. If there hasn't been a personal issue, there's been some other domestic issue wreaking havoc.

The one thing I get from working on older pages is a perspective on myself. While doing the work to update the pages is tedious, it's almost never an dull moment when reading one of my older entries, some of which are still unavailable at this time.

The most interesting ones were the ones where I talked about Tab and how I felt about her at the start of the relationship, then to go and read the first entry after we broke up. It's both sad and fascinating to see just how much an opinion can change over time.

Only within the last few days have I finally felt more comfortable talking to her again too. There's still some awkwardness with me, but it's not nearly as bad as it was before when I just didn't really feel right talking to her at times. It just felt forced and I just couldn't get myself to really get into any conversations.

I think I'm finally starting to get over that now, nearly four months after we broke up. I know some people are probably wondering what my problem is, but you have to understand. I was really in love with that girl and didn't want it to end ever. Obviously that didn't happen. I just couldn't stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy.

I did get an interesting e-mail from her though, one where she thanked me for opening up her eyes. I read this e-mail and was glad to see that she had listened to what I said, that she had took to heart what I said. She knows what I'm talking about and I'm not going to sit here and eplain in full detail what was said. It's private and I don't really wish divulge that information to anyone unless I feel the need to.

She did understand what I was trying to tell her though, and I'm glad that she understood where I was coming from. It will make it that much easier to be friends with her in the long run.

I did have someone ask me if I'd ever consider getting back with her. I really don't think I could, in all honesty, not because of what went on, but rather because I just think that it would be really hard on those around us and the pressure on us would be pretty high. I'm always going to care, but I just don't think I could ever get into a serious relationship with her again, not trying to take anything away from her. It's just how I feel.

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I once had someone ask me why I'd sit and listen to a girl, or anyone else, talk (or complain) about something for a long period of time. They wanted to know if I did it because I might get some brownie points, or if I thought that doing it would be a launch pad for some sort of relationship.

It's really a combination of things. I will listen to anyone who has a problem or has something to say up to a certain extent. There are things that I just don't really care to listen to and some things I find completely unnecessary to talk about for more than a couple minutes. For the most part, if what anyone has to say to me is semi-intelligent, I'll listen.

When it came to Shelby, I listened to her because I could see the tension rising in her, the stress level shooting up with each passing day that she endured what she was dealing with. I saw it and felt that she needed to at least vent for a little bit. About two hours later, we were suddenly talking about each other and sharing some things about us from our days growing up.

I didn't do it because I thought it might help me get into a relationship with her. It wasn't like I thought that listening would make her want to take me home with her and sleep with me. The thought never even crossed my mind. I thought it might help bring us closer together, but I never sat there and thought that it would make it easier for us to hook up.

What it did was it brought us closer together and she knew that she could talk to me about shit. I in turn learned I could tell her shit. She was the first person I talked to about the fire and the only person I thought of when it was happening. I knew that she'd at least take a couple minutes to listen to me and that she'd care.

I would never just listen to a girl just because I thought it might help me get her into bed with me. I'm not like that anyway.

I listen because sometimes, you just need that someone to talk to.