Monday, July 19, 2004

This summer has been strange. It seemed like things were going to go smoothly for me and I was going to have all the things that I wanted to get, and then it was like I was in the middle of a car wreck. Anything that could go wrong did go wrong.

I met Molly and things went well. For a while anyway. Then I had a kidney stone problem that seems to be at the start of all my trouble this year. I missed a lot of time from work, wasn't myself most of the time I was off of work, and generally let things snowball to the point where there was almost no return.

It would be easy to blame a lot of what's happened on ailments I've had or on other factors that don't involve me. It would be easy to sit here and say the situation with Molly was her fault. I could sit and say that the stress caused by work was brought on by my own insistence on worrying about it when I never would have worried about it in the past.

I could do a lot of things to deflect responsibility off myself. But I won't. I won't sit here and blame Molly. Yes, she didn't always make things easier, but had I gotten to know her properly, I would've known more about her personality and been able to adjust.

I could say my lifelessness at times was a direct result of the kidney stone sapping my energy and the ensuing bought of depression that I fought. Or it could have just been me being lazy and lacking ambition, a problem I seem to have frequently.

A lot of things are beyond my control, but too much of what's happened lately was within my control. I overreacted to situations that didn't warrant much of a reaction at all. I got all messed up over things that weren't worth the time. I stopped talking to a few people again because of the funk I put myself in.

I have a tendency of making some situations worse rather than better by the way I react. I've always had that problem and probably always will. It's part of who I am. If I don't feel I matter to someone, I just push them away and say the hell with them.

I'll admit I was ready to do so to Molly. I was this close to just saying the hell with her, that I didn't want to deal with the situation anymore.

I didn't actually think she'd talk to me again, to be real honest. So I was mildly surprised when I received an im from her today. It wasn't a long conversation, but it was to the point. I told her what I was willing to do, but that it was up to her to come to me if she needed me for anything. I spent too much time I think trying to show her that I could be counted on. Instead of the desired result, she got annoyed with me and more than likely sick of me.

I don't want to lose her as a friend if I can help it, but she has to show that she wants to be friends with me. I'm not going to spend a lot of my time trying to reach her. It isn't going to work. It hasn't to this point anyway.

I have had some ailments this summer though. I've had the kidney stone ordeal, which is yet to be resolved. I've dealt with a serious bout of depression, so bad that it was noticeable at work and they can never tell when I'm really down. Now I'm dealing with a right leg that has pain in it for some unknown reason.

However, despite all this shit that's been going on, I'm not going to lay down and roll over. I'm not going to be defeated. I have too much to work on, too much to get in order to make something of myself.

The root of all my issues this summer lies within me and my discontent about where I am and where I'm going with things. It would be selling the situation short if I said I wasn't satisfied with myself. I have too much I'm capable of, too much I'm able to do to be sitting here working in the same pharmacy for the same company with no real chance to move up any further without school.

I need a second job to supplement my income. I need to do something about my car payment to free up a little more money. I've already found cheaper car insurance (which is a God-send, I'm telling you). The more I can free up, the more I can save to have a chance at moving out either this year or next. I need to have a place of my own.

However, the sticking point remains my car. I'm paying a lot of money for this car that's just about at the end of its run for me anyway. It needs more work, which would impact how much I get in a trade, but I don't know how I'm going to afford putting that work into it when I don't make enough.

Also causing issues is my continuing attempt at paying off an old credit card debt. I'm not sure how much more is left, but I'm sure it'll be going on for at least a couple more years. At $40 every week, it's quite a chunk a month. If I could free up that money, it would make things easier, but I can't at this point in time.

Basically speaking, I have several things I need to do before the end of this year. I need to go back to school and actually committ to it. I need to be making more money (which is going to conflict with school somehow, I know it). I need to reduce as many payments and bills as I can as soon as I can. I need to get into better shape.

I have a lot to try and do. Maybe this time I'll actually do it.

The bright spot lately for me though? Spending time with a girl I know last weekend that appreciated me and allowed me to show what I was capable of. Maybe that was the turnaround I needed to get my ass in gear.

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I've talked about the possibility of moving out of state to go to school or whatever, but after spending a weekend in Pittsburgh, away from home, I came to the realization that I'd have a tough time of it.

I never felt homesick or anything while I was there. I didn't think about home nor did I think about any of the problems I had going on there. I enjoyed the moments that I had and did what I could to make this girl feel better while I was there.

It didn't hit me while driving either. I was taking in the scenery and marveling at what I was going by, too busy to think about missing home. The only thing I did miss a lot at that point was local cable. I couldn't watch the Indians at all or find out how they did, not that I was really concerned with it. It was cool to be driving out of Pittsburgh and listen to 1100, the station that broadcasts the Indians, Browns, and Cavs here.

No, it hit me after I got into the Cleveland area again after driving for an hour and a half. It hit when I was getting off the highway and driving on local streets again. It hit when I would make a turn without having to look for a street sign to make sure I was going the right way.

It was nice to be home. At least until I walked in and saw how much of a disaster it was again.

My cat missed me dearly though. She would not leave me alone all night while I was in the room. Yes, she was hungry, but she has been like this for a while now. If I'm not home for any extended period of time, she does not leave me alone while I'm in the room.

It's almost like she's telling me that she's glad to see me and maybe, just maybe, her time on this Earth is starting to run out. She's not that old, mind you, only 10 years, but still, that's a decent life for a cat. I don't want to face it, but someday, she's not going to be around. There will be a day when this little white cat with the pink ears and somewhat tempermental personality is going to be gone.

I loathe the day it will happen. I do. I don't want to face a day with that cat gone. As much as cats irritate me, this one's been through so much with me. She's been a wonderful companion through the worst moments of my life.

When all else fails, I've had Kisa.

I don't even want to imagine what it would be like otherwise.

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