MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

Today was further evidence of what happens to me when I don't get enough sleep during the night. I was just flat out slap-happy all day long and ended up getting shot with a squirt gun by my coworker Debbie while on my dinner break. It was just one of those days where I saw the humor in everything and turned everything I saw into a complete joke that you could either laugh at or kill me over.

I was just weird today though. Nothing at all was safe from my comments and for once, just about everything I said was funny when it was supposed to be funny. Of course, being half asleep during the day probably made it easier for me to be goofy, but I had the timing down pat today. Didn't matter what it was, I made fun of it or turned it into a joke. I made fun of myself a little bit too, but that's really nothing new for most people who know me.

By the end of the day I'm pooped though, and it was no different today when I got through with my shift. I'm still training Angela in the pharmacy and she's making good progress, but I still wonder if someone will try to hold up my transfer even further. I don't like to think about it happening, but it's a real possibility at this point since something's come up time and time again. But now they can't use the excuse that they don't have someone to take my place. Tom just has to be patient with her and work with her to make her better.

Otherwise, my day went pretty well. I'm exhausted though so I'm probably not going to last much longer than this. I'm surprised I even made it to my room with the way I was feeling physically. Three flights of stairs is not easy on someone who's already walking around like a drunk. I have enough trouble when I'm alert when it comes to walking. It's that much harder when you're tired.

In any case, next week will be the interesting week. As of right now, we have only Wednesday and Thursday covered with pharmacists while Tom's on vacation. Even then, it's only until 5 which makes my situation a little more dire. The only thing that could work is if I go to Berea afterwards and help out. Otherwise, I'm in trouble and I need the money right now.

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It still amazes me to think that there were times when I've felt the need to just completely cut everyone off from me and just be alone for a while. I read that entry that was never uploaded and I wonder if I was really just so sick of the internet that I'd just leave it alone for a while. I wonder if I'd do it the way that I had intended to, and that would be just by completely disappearing without any explanation or reason why. I don't really know and I'm not really sure why I get sick of people the way I do.

You'd think that because I've been alone most of my life that being alone would be the last thing that I'd want, but that's not the case at all with me. I'm not really sure of people so I guess if I see enough disheartening things, I eventually just say the hell with everyone and go my own way. Would I really carry through with that online though? Would I really just "disappear" without any trace or notification to those that I talk to?

To be honest, I probably would. The reason is simple too. When I want to be left alone, I really mean it. I want nothing to do with any person on the face of this earth until I feel like I can deal with people again. I've gone through it before in my past where I just shut everybody out. It's really not right for me to do, but I do it anyway. I've probably lost some friends that way because they didn't understand what I was doing.

But I don't make any apologies if that's the case. Chances are I tried to talk about what was bothering me, but I never really felt the confidence to really open up to anyone at all. Usually when I do that, something happens that hurts me in some way. Things have had a funny way of backfiring on me a lot in my life and I've just become sick of it at times.

If I do disappear completely, it's probably not your fault or anyone's fault in particular. My own disenchantment with people in general is probably what happened and there's not a whole lot you can do to help me if that happens.

But I don't think it will happen anytime soon. It would take something pretty drastic.