MY LIFE - NOVEMBER

Thursday, November 23, 2000

This day didn't go according to plan from the start and right now I'm so drowsy from eating turkey that I could care less. The day didn't exactly start off very well, mostly because I was too tired to really move much of the day. Working at least 12 hours three straight days might have that affect on you. I didn't really move around until around 2 in the afternoon, and even then it wasn't much more than reaching for my remote and turning on the football game that was going on.

I'm a guy. Guys like football. Football and turkey day go hand in hand. I can't really remember what happened though. It's been that kind of day and that kind of week for me. Those three days really took their toll on me, so much so that I almost wrote that first paragraph again. Y'all have to hang in there with me on this entry. If I repeat something, it's the turkey in me. No, really. It's the turkey.

I had plans to go to my aunt's today after eating dinner here. I had plans of staying there for a while and catching up on things. That never materialized, partly because I've been tired all day, partly because there were two cars behind mine in the driveway that weren't moving until late in the day, later than I felt comfortable leaving at. So I didn't go and now I have to figure out how to prevent this from happening at Christmas like I know it will.

Actually, today wasn't that bad because I did get to rest, something I needed. After those three days, I've just been completely out of it and needed a day where I didn't have to do anything or go anywhere unless I wanted to. Today was a blessing in that regard and I have no regrets that I didn't get up earlier than I did. My mom keeps thinking that I'm upset that I didn't get to go to my aunt's tonight. She's asked me time and time again if I was mad. I'm not mad. I don't really feel anything right now in terms of emotions.

I'm not mad. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm emotionless right now.

It's actually kind of weird.

I ate dinner with my family here and it was a good dinner, but I don't have the voracious appetite expected from most guys. I can't eat plate after plate full of food. I have enough trouble eating one serving so don't even think about me eating a second. I haven't had a big appetite for about two years now after being the biggest pig in the house most of my life. Two meals a day is a good day for me and dinner tonight was like eating two meals.

Now the turkey that I did eat has really made me drowsy on top of feeling tired as it was, so it's double the effect right now. I'm like a zombie and that's also factored into the decision not to go to my aunt's. I'd probably crash on the way there from falling asleep at the wheel. That would not be a good thing to have happen either. Put that together with the two cars behind me in the driveway, plus it being after 9 when we finished eating, and you have a plan wiped out.

I guess it's okay though. I'll just have to call my grandma tomorrow and tell her what happened and why I wasn't there when I said I'd try to stop by. She won't really care, but I'm sure she's wondering right now where I am, what I'm doing, and if everything's all right. That's just the way she is and I understand that. She's my grandmother and her son happens to be the person who's caused me so much grief.

Today wasn't a bad day, but it was day that was essentially wasted because of how tired I've been. I only work 9 to 5:30 tomorrow, but I'm afraid that my store might call me and ask me to help out tomorrow night. If they don't call, I'll be fine. I know if they do call, I won't be able to say no unless I really sound tired and whoever calls realizes it. I know Steve knows that I'm tired and that I'm working a lot, so I would think that he'd hesitate calling me, but you never know.

Friday's are typically busy at my store. I wouldn't be surprised if they did call, but I'm desperately hoping they don't because I will not be able to take it. I just don't think another long day will be possible, even with today off. I work Saturday at my store so I hope that they leave me alone and let me go home at 5:30.

I just don't think I'd be able to make it again, and that's the honest truth.

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I don't talk about sports in here too much because...I don't know why I don't. I just don't feel like it. I love sports and I follow basketball, football, and baseball very closely and know what's going on with all the local teams, but I almost never write about them unless it's the Indians or if I feel the need to. I just never really feel the urge to do so nor do I even think about sports when I'm writing an entry or anything else.

I could write forever on sports too, but I think it's something that most people are overly exposed to as it is that they wouldn't want to read about it here anyway. I'm not catering to the sports fans around the world, but just regularly people who are my age and interested in similar things. Sports isn't always something that people are interested in so I haven't really felt it necessary to write about them that much.

I also don't want to sound like I think I know everything about sports because I don't. I don't play the games as often as I used to and I'm not going to pretend that I know everything about a sport or what should have been done. I'm just a fan and I know it, so why should I act like I know everything? I hate reading letters to the sports editor and other fan letters on sports because they sound like they know everything.

I can't stand that. It's not an easy job being the manager/coach, general manager, or owner of a franchise. Indians fans have been upset over the way Manny Ramirez has been handled, the way Sandy Alomar has been handled, and any other move made by general manager John Hart. People, he has a payroll to work with in case you weren't aware. Yes, Alomar has been loyal to the Indians, but you can't spend more than you're capable of on a guy who's past his prime.

As for Ramirez, if he really wanted to stay in Cleveland, he would've signed months ago rather than play this free agent game. We need to realize we are not doing the job and that we couldn't do the job if we tried to. It's not that easy and I don't think anyone realizes it that or cares to realize that.

It's the same thing when it comes to playing the games too. We aren't out there so we shouldn't be saying what the player should be doing. Fact is, you couldn't do what most of these players do if your life depended on it. These guys go through training, weight lifting, and extensive drills while you lift a remote and a can of beer as your primary movement for the day. So give it a rest already and stop acting like an expert.

Okay. I've said my peace on that whole issue. I'll talk about sports in a different manner now. There are those who've been frustrated with the Cleveland Browns and coach Chris Palmer's handling of the team. Yes, I too have wondered about some of the calls that have been made during a game. However, seeing that this is the youngest and most inexperienced team in the league with five to six offensive starters missing, we need to realize that this team isn't going to overwhelm anyone.

The defense has been better this year, but you can't always see that looking at the scores mostly because a lot of points have been scored late in the game when the defense finally tires from being out there so much. Case in point, the Browns were actually leading in the third quarter last week against the Tennessee Titans, but that was because of the defense scoring a touchdown. The offense received six other turnovers from the defense and scored a field goal. The defense wore out in the fourth when the offense still couldn't move the ball.

Even with a decent offense, I don't think this team is much better because of the youth. It's going to take a while, so stop moaning and just be patient. The team is improving.

Besides, you can always watch the Cavs, who have surprised everyone in the NBA by starting out 8-3 this year. This is a team that's a lot of fun to watch and should be a little better than last year without that load Shawn Kemp bogging things down. Time will tell how well this team will play as the season goes on, but I've been impressed so far.

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Okay, enough of the sports talk. I feel so weird writing about sports. I don't know why. I like to talk about sports, but writing about sports just didn't feel write there.

Anyway.

I was scratched by Simba tonight because he gets wild and doesn't realize that his claws can slice fingers open. I'm always amazed by how much a finger can bleed if you get cut in the right spot. This was the right spot. It just wouldn't stop no matter how much pressure I applied. I ended up holding my finger for quite some time before it finally stopped.

I'm not really big on band-aids or anything like that. Cuts don't bother me that much. I don't panic or go screaming in pain if I do get cut. I just walk to a sink, wash it for a while, the try to stop the bleeding all while acting like nothing ever happened to me. This seems to bother people too. I don't know what the big deal is. I'm not going to die because I cut myself, even if it is a fairly deep cut.

The blood doesn't bother me either. I'll look at my cut and wonder what I did if it happened when I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing. I remember when I slammed my finger in my car door about two or three years ago and was just fascinated by the way my finger nail was slowly coming off. I would deliberately poke at it and pull at it in an attempt at getting it off. It never bothered me a bit.

It finally came off a few months after because a new nail was growing in its place and had pushed it out of the way. This was on my right thumb. I remember what I was coming home from too. I had just bought our printer for our computer and couldn't get the door shut, then slammed my thumb. I remember my mom saying it might not come back if it falls off.

It did come back though. I remember because a friend was telling me how I had such nice nails and then acting surprised when I told her what happened to my thumb. She then told me again that my nails were in great shape.

Just what is it about me and various features? I've had people tell me I have nice hands, nice nails, mysterious eyes (I really wonder about that one), long arms (although that's true), and a variety of other things. I'm just wondering about things like that because I don't really know what it necessarily means when someone says something like that to me. Is there a hidden meaning that I'm just missing? Or am I trying to analyze something that doesn't need to be analyzed?

I'm not even sure why you're asking things like that. Maybe the turkey's talking to you again, telling you to go to bed and stop worrying about things that are actually compliments, things that nice people say about you to let you know that you're not an idiot like you think.

Okay, this is not a good thing. I'm talking to myself again. It definitely is time to go to bed now.

No, silly, this is just your inner thought finally telling you what you should hear. People say those things because they like you either a little or a lot. There's sometimes hidden meaning, but you've been too stupid to pick up on that before it was too late. I take the blame for some of that. I've been eating on the job at times.

Eating on the job?

Don't ask. It's really complicated and I'm not even sure I could explain it anyway.

Just like why I'm talking to "the voice in my head?"

Exactly, only let's not worry about that right now.

Is this a sign that I'm finally losing it, that I'm going crazy?

No, it just means you're tired from eating turkey and working so much. Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. You really have to stop working so much. There's only so much this body can take and you're wearing it down to the point of malfunctioning. Do you realize how much time it takes to get back up to speed?

Well, they've needed help at my store even though I've been filling in at my old store...

Yeah, you're such a good guy to do the extra work, but you need to do yourself a favor and cut it out. It's not going to do you any good to make the extra money then not be able to function for a week.

I can't leave them high and dry at my store.

I'm not saying leave your store high and dry. I'm saying, cut your ties to your old store. What if Angela goes on vacation? They never tried to cover your shift when you went on vacation, so why should you do the favor for them?

I never said that I was going to...

You know you will.

Oh yeah? What makes you think I will?

As Jenny once said, you're a nice guy. You do nice things.

So you're telling me to stop being nice?

No, just understand your limitations. Don't do something that you know you can't really do or want to do. It's killing me otherwise. Just do me that favor.

All right, I'll think about it.

Sorry if that scared anyone. I need sleep and I get weird when I need sleep. Actually, I wanted to try something like that just to see how that goes. I don't really talk to myself like that. I think I could have some fun with that though in the future.

In the meantime, I think I'll head off to bed before I do something really stupid and scare everyone off for good. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.