MY LIFE - DECEMBER

Sunday, December 17, 2000

Let's get the obvious out of the way right now. I have not been a very happy person the last few days for a number of reasons. Things have not been going according to plan of late and it's been getting more and more frustrating for me on a personal level. There really isn't anyone who's on my good side right now and whole lot of people who are on my bad side.

I'm not proud to say that either. I'm not proud of that at all. It's how I feel though. Yesterday's entry was a way for me to try and explain what was going on, but I'm not sure if it went over really well. Besides, I'm not even sure if anyone's even reading what I write. I seem to get a lot of first-time visitors who don't come back. Apparently writing everyday hasn't been enough to get people to come back every now and then and read.

Maybe I'm not that compelling though. I certainly don't think I am. This isn't an extremely funny journal. It isn't always very insightful and it usually lacks any kind of cohesion. There are journals that are ten times better than mine, so the lack of visitors doesn't surprise me, although it does dismay me. I understand that's how things go though. People either like what you write or they don't like it. Even if they do like it, they probably won't ever come back because I don't exactly have a catchy, or easy, address for my site.

But that's not really bothering me as much as the lack of e-mail right now. I have had one response in the last four days to e-mails that I wrote earlier this week. I am not happy about this and do not have any intention of writing people if they aren't going to write me back. It seems sometimes that people expect me to write, but that they don't have to write back. I don't mind that except I'll ask questions and never get any answers to what I asked, then the person I wrote will ask me to write them again.

Is there something wrong with writing me back every now and then? Is there some reason why this is happening? I also have people getting upset at me because they see that I'm online and think that I'm ignoring them when I'm on. I've explained this a couple times to people but it seems like no one wants to believe it. My instant messenger signs on the moment I connect online. That means my web browser is open and the instant messenger window is underneath. My speakers are also usually off, so I don't hear if someone signs on. If someone does send me a message, it's often a surprise and scares me half to death.

The message? I don't know you're online so don't think that I'm purposely ignoring you. I just get busy with things and don't even realize I'm signed on most of the time. If I didn't want to talk, I'd have the damn thing ignore everyone, but I don't do that.

Then I go to the forum against my better judgement and find that I'm getting bashed by some of the guys in there who claim that I'm tarnishing the tough guy image and that I should just shut my mouth. I actually found this funny because they hit it right on the head. That's exactly what I was trying to do and I hope that it works. I'm so sick of the machoism that plagues most guys. It's one thing if you're standing up for your girl or protecting her. It's another thing when you're just trying to show how tough you are for no reason.

The sex war thing is over now though. They've found something better to fight about, religion. Now we have the satan worshippers and Christians attacking each other and I'm amused by this even more than the sex war thing amused me. And it's always the same thing. People who are into the whole satanism movement think it's cool while the Christians writing in response think its terrible and they try to get people to see the light.

I for one think that whatever you worship is your perrogative (god I hate that word, but it sounds good), but don't go trying to make others believe the same thing you believe in. This has become the primary argument of course and is one of the few things I agree with from the satan side of things. I think you should believe what you want to believe and not what others want you to believe or think is better. The one problem I've had with Christianity is how much some Christians try to change those around them. It's a never-ending mission and it frightens me to be quite frank.

I'm personally Catholic, but I don't practice and see no reason to. I'm not a religious person. That doesn't mean I'm going to go around and tell everyone not practicing is the best thing in the world. Somebody else might think differently and I'm not going to be the one who intrudes on their beliefs. It's the same with all other religions. You worship what you want, but don't try and convert every damn person you meet. I just think that's wrong.

The Christian response to this claim though was typical, that it was their duty to enlighten those around them into seeing the truth. That they have the right to try and show others the errors of their ways and lead them to salvation. They're right too, they do have that right. They can go do whatever they want to do. I don't agree with it at all. This isn't meant to be an attack on Christians either. I know a lot of people who are Christians and they're great people. I just wonder sometimes.

So anyway, this forum has me baffled. One minute the sexes are at it, now the religions are at it. In between, you have girls wanting to find out the best way to give handjobs and blowjobs and it's all really strange to see. Then the guys willingly answer and add "you can try it with me" as if that's going to work. Then someone will call all these people losers and to stop meeting people on the internet. The accusations get really serious too and it's another aspect of people that I find disturbing.

I know that some very beautiful women use the internet. I've talked to them. I also know that sometimes you are just shy and that the best way for you might be through the internet. I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as you're old enough and you take the right precautions. I don't see the problem with it nor do I think anyone who does it is ugly. Some of us don't have a lot of self-confidence in our looks, so this gives us a chance to meet someone without having looks be the most important thing right away.

I can say what I want though. People are going to hate for no reason at all. It's the way the world is. You and I can't change that and I wouldn't want to change that because the jerks give me someone to make fun of and use as an example as to what you don't do in certain situations. Let them act the way they want to. It'll eventually catch up to them. It always does.

This last week was just a frustrating week and I don't mean to sound like I'm telling everyone to kiss my ass. I haven't been happy with how things have been going lately and I'm just venting my frustrations. This is my diary in essence since this is where I do all my writing, but I'm very hesitant to mention a lot of things because I know someone could read what I wrote and get the wrong impression. I can't really write about people I know online because of that reason and the more intimate details of what I'm feeling, I hold out on writing about because some things are meant to be personal and only personal.

The problem I have is I only write once a day and that's usually this. So do I say forget the internet and write offline about more things that people will likely never see? Or do I write online, exclude certain things that I'd write about otherwise, and continue to do what I've been doing? It's such a silly and minute thing to think about, but writing is how I release my feelings since I don't talk to a lot of people, especially lately.

Ultimately it will come down to what happens in my personal life. If I end up dating someone, you can guarantee that I won't be writing that much anymore or be going online as much. It just really depends on how things go for me and how I feel about writing. If this site were to magically become more popular, that might change things as well.

I guess I don't really know what will happen with this site in the future. It all depends on what happens with me. I don't think I'd just disappear on everyone though. So don't worry about that.

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I'd like to know where all those people are now who doubted that this winter would be a normal winter. I want to know if they still think that it's going to be another warm winter while driving in blinding snowstorms and walking in 30mph winds and a -25° windchill. I want to know where all these people are because we are in the middle of a cold snap that's not going to end anytime soon.

We've had one day above 40° in the last two weeks and that was yesterday. Now it's 11° with a windchill near -30° at times. It's not expected to get warmer than maybe 35° over the next week and snow is expected everyday after tomorrow. So right now it's looking like winter has returned and with a vengeance. I had a hell of a time trying to get gas tonight and I was losing feeling in my fingers by the time I was done. Of course, dumbass here could have put on my gloves and made it a little more bearable, but I didn't think about it.

The wind was strong though. I almost got knocked over several times trying to walk from a store to my car and my hat nearly came off every time the wind gusted. I know that people could seeing me sway while trying to pump gas because I felt myself swaying back and forth. I wasn't the only one having trouble with the wind. Two girls my age were trying to fill up the windshield wash resovoir without much success. The wind just kept blowing the liquid and it was actually comical watching them try to do this.

I also felt bad and if I wasn't trying to clear my windshield, I would've helped them or at least given them my gloves to deal with the wind. I figure I didn't have any feeling anyway, so what would have been the big deal anyway? I didn't though and they left without further incident. I made another attempt at getting my wiper blades to work right (they were frozen and didn't exactly clean very well), but that didn't work and it's not going to get any easier with the forecast for the week.

Anyway, I eventually went home and wasn't that surprised to find that my e-mail was very sparse as I mentioned above. It's been very strange because when I start writing about things like that, I'm very upset and full of bad words, but by the time I'm done, I don't feel the same way and I actually feel a little relief.

I guess it's not really that important though. If someone has something to say, they'll say it to me eventually. If not, that's the way things go and I can't let it get to me. People have more important people to talk to than me. That's always been the case and probably won't change anytime soon.

I just have to keep doing what I'm doing and let things go the way they go. Things can only get better and better with time.