April 5, 1999
Terrible. That's how to describe my weekend and Easter. Absolutely terrible. Okay, maybe that's a stretch, but not by much. This was the first time that I didn't go to my Aunt's for Easter, and while I really wasn't considering going anyway, I didn't intend to have a waste of a day like I did. Saturday really wasn't worthwhile, especially once I got out of work. You probably want to know what would make a weekend so bad. I don't know if what happened made it bad, or if it's been my downcast mood lately. But here's how it went.
Saturday was okay for the most part, except towards the end of my day at work and everything after that. It starts with me being given something to do after I finished my first task, then finding the assistant manager disappear without a trace. Again. This is really starting to piss me off. He has things to do, but he doesn't do them all the time or he has someone else finish his job. That's fine, if you intend to do something else worthwhile too. But he doesn't. He goes and disappears for a while, usually to get something to eat (what a joke that is), or to talk on the phone for an hour and watch tv.
So for the last hour and a half that I was at work, I was pissed off. I did work while he sat on his ass for a good part of the day. Sounds fair to me. I then get home and find my mom trying to finish putting our new light fixture into the dining room. After about two hours or so, we finally finish and I promptly walk into the fucking thing, giving me a rather large headache for the rest of the night, which makes me even crankier than normal. I then hit my head on it two more times, increasing the pain and making me really pissy. That day was ultimately wasted.
Easter Sunday was awful, just like the weather. That was a day where I'd much rather of just had a tv in my room, Jennifer with me, and just watch movies all day. Instead, I felt like shit and slept until 8pm. That never happens to me. Yes, I've been known to sleep until 3pm or so, but not 8. That was just ridiculous. I then find that everyone else had followed suit more or less, but I was still the last one up. I'm then promptly told that I have to go and turn my mom's paperwork in, which meant driving out to Independence in weather that wasn't exactly on the up and up. So after about 2 hours, I got home, went online, updated some stuff, and twiddled my thumbs the rest of the night. Yet another day wasted.
As is obvious by that description, I never did go to my Aunt's yesterday, which was a first. Every year at Easter I had gone there, but not this year. It was a combination of not feeling good and not wanting to see or talk to my dad at all. Yes, I still haven't talked to him for a few months now, and I don't intend to for I still do not have anything to say to the asshole. It's just one of those things for me. But by going to my Aunt's, I almost certainly would have made a scene at some point along with my dad, and I did not want to have that happen. It would have been best either way to just stay away. Is this going to continue in the future? I really don't know.
As for today, well it was just plain crazy. We were busy for most of the afternoon in the pharmacy and we had about 200 by the time I went to lunch. Normally we're around 160, 170 so we were already ahead of our usual pace. I got back and we immediately were up into the 230s. The rest of the night was fairly quiet, which gave my assistant manager a chance to "give me something to do" again. He had me check outdates in the pain reliever section and in the food aisle. I found enough to fill up three shopping carts. I hope the son of a bitch is happy now. He was on the phone or watching tv for most of the time that I was working.
My assistant is cool as a person, but as a worker, he just sucks man. Ick, that sounded corny. Maybe all hope isn't lost for me just yet. I'm saying corny things again.
I figured since I spend so much time bitching about how people never use the form on my web site or sign my guestbook that I'd start flying around the internet signing as many guestbooks as possible and filling out any forms I come across. So far I haven't really received any feedback, although one person e-mailed me and another sent me an instant message thanking me for using her form. My real hope is people will start coming to my site and actually filling out the crap that's here, rather than flying through my site and then leaving just as quickly. I didn't exactly put the forms in for my health afterall.
I know a couple of you have used my forms and guestbook though, and thank the people who have. However, for all the visitors I get, it's a pretty lousy ratio. The counter's up over 1020 and I've had five people sign my guestbook. It's pathetic. I don't know what the hell else I need to do. Do I have to actually go and practically force people to go to my site by going to chat rooms and hitting everyone up? I don't want to do that. I hate doing that. It makes me feel cheap somehow.
Don't ask why. I have not a clue. Just like with the rest of my feelings. I'm not wondering if my conscience is out to kill me. Now I sound stupid again.
I think I'm going to stop short of saying that I hate my life. I really don't. For all the bullshit I've gone through in my life and to still be here talking about it all, it would be stupid to throw it all away. I went through so much as a child. My dad coming home at three in the morning and waking us up because he was drunk, high, or both. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night. It's almost like it's part of my sleeping habit. I still have a fear of voicing my opinion sometimes because I used to get yelled at that I was being stupid. I'm very distrustful of people and their motives at times. I'm always wondering if there's something else behind what they're doing other than what they're telling me. It's because of what's happened to me in my past that I'm like that.
However, the fact that I've never hit either of my sisters is also related to my dad and how he acted. I saw the hurt he caused my mom when he'd hit her and thought I never want any girl to feel that from me. Yes, I can be an asshole from time to time, but that's because I spend a lot of energy trying to make people smile that I often exhaust myself and become irritable. I do have my days when anything and everything just bothers the hell out of me. It's no one's fault but myself, and most people seem to realize that. I'm not a violent person at all and I greatly hate arguing with anyone because that's all that I heard when I was younger.
A lot of shit went down when I was younger. I don't want to ever go through that again or put anyone through those same events. That's why I don't drink, don't smoke, or do drugs in addition to them all being pointless. I've seen, and still see, what excessive amounts of any can do to a person. That's why I find someone stupid who thinks they're cool because they do drugs all the time because they get drunk all the time. I find it dumb because I've seen what it all leads to.
I don't want to put anyone into my shoes. You wouldn't want to be there.
I guess you could say there's a lot on my mind right, more than any one person should ever have. I may be someone who thinks too much about things. I allow too much into the equation, rather than trying to single things out. Then again, some people have told me it isn't a bad thing that I think as much as I do. On the contrary, I've been told it's better that I think too much than never think about things at all. I guess I could see how they're right. It's probably why I like to write so much too. I have to release this somehow, and since I really don't have a girlfriend or anyone to talk to this about when I need to (aside from Jennifer), I release it through writing.
I just wish things would slow down enough for me to sort things out. So much to do and so much I'd like to do, but no time at all to do any of it. So goes my life to this point.
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