The past, present, and future goals

The following is part of a multi-part series examining my past, present, and future. The columns located in here will be the first "Come Again" columns to be archived in its history due to the significance of what I'm doing. Part 1 will focus on my past and how it shaped me. Part 2 will focus on the present as to where I'm at right now. Part 3 will focus on my future goals, dreams, and ambitions. Be warned that the columns may be quite long.

Part 1 - The past (continued)

How the past shaped me

No matter how much you try to deny it and say that you've changed, the things that happened in your past shape how you act as you grow older. We preach change and that it's good, but there a lot of cases where you just can't shake the past.

It shaped me in a lot of ways. My attitude, my acceptance, my decisions, and how I handled things. In a lot of ways, I've improved on the flaws of my childhood, but a lot still remains.

I was a shy child. There's no getting around it. Whether it was because I didn't look like everyone else, thus receiving a large bullseye on me, act like everyone else, or because of things at home, I was shy. I was scared of people and to this day I still can be at times.

This one's easy to explain. I was scared because of my dad. Think about it for a minute. It makes sense for those who've had a father with the problems that mine had when I was growing up. When your dad yells at you for everything he thinks is wrong (and with my dad it was a lot), it intimidates you. If he does it enough, it eventually does so much intimidation that you become afraid of doing something wrong in front of others. Afterall, if your own dad yells at you, who knows what another person not in your family will do.

Now have that happen year after year after year. It becomes so imbedded in you, layered so much that it becomes near impossible to break out of. Instead of laughing at someone who's poking fun at me, I became defensive. This makes the other person defensive and makes it easier to pick on me more. Couple that with an atrocious sense of style and you have shy and scared written all over you.

I didn't know how to handle people for several years. It got so bad that people used to be able to make me cry all the time. The simplest jokes became hurtful comments. I didn't trust nor like anyone I was around. I hated myself. I hated life. I was simply put not a happy child.

I hung out with people who were rebellious after elementary school. How did this shape me? I became like them for a while. It may have been an attempt at getting back at my dad, but it ultimately was hurting my mom too and I didn't realize it at the time. I did things during that time period that still have ramfications today.

Let's put it this way: when you get caught stealing hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise, your mom isn't likely going to trust you for a long time. Couple that with my long history of lying to try and cover up my mistakes, and you have a huge hole building. Why did I lie? Because I was scared.

That's how the simplest things can shape such a huge part of my personality.

I can't even count the number of years it's taken to shake out of the shy shell and be a more outgoing person. The number of potential girlfriends I've missed because of this, number of times I got myself into trouble, number of times I missed out on major events in my life are uncountable.

Most was of my own making. However, people who aren't shy don't understand how difficult it is to break out of being shy. They have no comprehension of how much of a struggle simple things such as walking up to a girl and saying can be for someone like me.

They don't realize it because it's not a problem for them. They aren't scared of people, scared of how a person might react like a shy person can be.

It's taken several years but I've shaken it enough to where it's not always that noticeable with me, but it's still at my foundation. Ask any really pretty girl I've known in the last year or so and they'll tell you I can still be shy. It is still there and probably always will be there.

I was shaped in other ways too. My dad's actions, while terrible at times, gave me a clear indication of what not to do in life. I had a first-hand look at what drug and alcohol abuse can do. Early on, I made a vow to myself that I would never become like him. I would never put a future family in the circumstances that he put us in.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. I vowed to never hit a girl with any serious intention. I vowed to never be abusive in any manner of speaking. I vowed that when I had a family, I would cherish that family and make it last throughout the years, raising my future kids the right way.

I vowed that any girl that was with me was going to be treated with respect and with the attention that she deserved.

This was made stronger by what I saw a lot of girls go through. I saw cheating be a problem for several girls and saw how much it hurt the girl. I saw how much damage physical abuse did to a girl's emotions. I saw how an abusive man can turn great girls into scorned women, unable to trust men.

Along with the shyness, it's at the foundation of who I am.

Stubborness is at the root of who I am as well. Not so much that I'm stuck in my ways and unable to change, but in the sense that I have my opinions and I stick with them unless absolutely proven otherwise. It can cause problems when another person refuses to budge on something, but I'm someone who refuses to just up and change my mind on something.

It's why I'm at odds with people who are overly religious. It's why I'm at odds when people have opposite political views as me. It's why I'm a Cleveland sports fan unwilling to change my opinion or be a fan of another city's teams. I can be stubborn to a fault, but it's always with good intentions.

The one thing at the root of my foundation that most people don't know about anymore is how terrified I am when someone yells. This is another thing that goes back to my dad. He used to yell all the time, and much like with being shy, it's become embedded in me. I can't handle people yelling at me very well. It's one of the few times that I can become weak and nearly break down. It's probably my biggest weakness, yet it's the one that no one knows about.

The emotional scars from what my dad did is ultimately at the root of my worst character flaws. How my mom was to us is at the root of my best flaws. While my dad taught me to be scared, my mom taught me to stand up for myself and not take anything from anyone. From her I learned how to be confrontational with people when necessary, defend myself if needed.

It was from my mom that I learned how to take care of people, even perfect strangers, when it was needed. It's how I've ended up getting involved in things that I had no business being involved in. If I care about you, I'll do what it takes to help you out. I have bent over backwards in some cases in an attempt to make someone's life better, thinking nothing of the possible repercussions to myself.

I learned how to make it through the worst moments of life as easily as you would through the best moments. I survived some really bad moments in life without becoming completely insane, something that can't be said for everyone.

I've been able to play violent video games without becoming violent myself because I was taught the difference between fiction and real life. I was shown how valuable it is to read books at an early age, driving my passion for reading to this very day. I learned how to play sports early on and appreciate how much work athletes put into what they do.

I learned a lot of things the hard way, such as being responsible, but I learned. I learned well.

My mom and dad both taught me a lot, instilled in me a lot. Some good, some bad, but all helpful in my development. All remain in place, continuing to shape me as the years pass by.

Coming up next in the series, I look at recent events from the last couple of years and how they lead into the present day.