Introduction
As has become customary, there was a stretch during the year where I wasn't seen online much. From March until the middle of June, I was barely online at all, much less to write. I didn't care much to be online, finding the internet to be a waste of time. I had found going out with my friend Sarah to be much more enjoyable and did that frequently.
In April I joined a site that would help foster a renewal in my interest in being online, SWYDM?. At first, I didn't spend much time in the site, not finding much that I seemed to be interested in. There were journals, galleries, and forums, but nothing really caught my attention and it seemed to be destined to go the way of Bolt, I site I basically swore off.
As time went by, SWYDM? would grow into one of my favorite sites.
I was still evolving as a person through this time, still adjusting to my contacts. Reviews early on were mixed, but I felt I looked better with contacts and I found them easier to deal with than glasses.
April
I was riding a confidence high unheard of in my life at this point in time. I wasn't sure what the reason was for it, but I wasn't about to complain either. Things were going well and I was enjoying myself for one of the few times in my life.
Early on, it was clear I was trying to get a feel for SWYDM and what the site was about. I wrote a lot in my journal there during this time, but most of it was spent glorifying myself and what I had accomplished. It's kind of funny to read now, but at the time, I was serious about what I wrote.
It's not often that I have a really high opinion of myself, but at that point in time, I did. I was back to doing the things I wanted to do, living how I wanted to live, even when things weren't always going well. I was playing basketball and warming back up to baseball, my summer sport of choice.
Things were quiet though, just the way I liked them. The site was becoming my obsession, although not nearly on the level it would later reach.
By the end of the month, I was beginning to fray a little bit. Work was wearing me out and I felt disenchanted by a few people.
May
May saw the fraying along the edges grow larger and more distinct. I had dealt with some people, who while cool, felt the need to say things to me that I felt were unnecessary and tasteless. I was trying to distance myself from the internet and the often flaky people who I encountered while being online.
My journal was becoming a hit among certain people at SWYDM. I began to get comments on how it was a great journal, that it was great I said what I felt without worrying about repercussions. I had always had a loyal following with my own web site here, but it was around this time that my other journal began to be noticed. In particular, the "Spare Me" entry was an entry that sparked a lot of comments about what I wrote and how I felt about things.
The bitterness was shifting from things out in the real world towards the internet again and I let loose one night. It was scathing and revealing all at once and let to a number of people deciding that my journal was a good read.
I was starting to show how opinionated I could be when something got me started, and while it isn't fair, one person was enough to set me off. It was a girl, while a nice girl, was one who seemed to think that her life was rough and she wasn't worth anyone's time. I had tried to tell her otherwise, but she didn't listen. I became fed up and wrote a couple of entries in response to what I considered petty complaints by a girl too young to realize just how difficult life could be.
Updating on this site was limited to a few small sections, and much of it wasn't significant enough to warrant saving any of it.
Other things of note included my growing interest in the baseball season as it became clear the Indians had a chance at making noise if they ever got their bullpen straightened out. My love for videogames, while diminished, was still strong enough to force me to devote hours upon hours on gaming news and info.
The real fun was just around the corner, however.
June
June would in the end, be the beginning of a slow, downward spiral that would reach a climax later in the year, ultimately affecting how I handled several situations along the way. It started off well enough and I had high optimism on several fronts.
It was in the middle of the month that I met Molly. Those who've known me long enough know the story. I met her through the internet and we had an incredible first conversation that revolved around trust. We both decided it would be a good idea to hang out right away. I was smitten with her, almost infatuated. Here was a very pretty girl who seemed to have a great personality to match.
Something didn't quite work out though, something was missing. That connection that's so necessary to make something work between two people, while seemingly there in the beginning, clearly wasn't in the long run. The girl never really felt anything for me beyond friendship, and even then, it was iffy.
However, when we first met, it was all roses. We hung out constantly and seemed to be like a couple. At the time, it was all good as far as I could tell.
The large issue of the month occurred when I developed a kidney stone problem. It sidelined me from work for two days, sent me to the emergency room, and had me making follow-up appointments with a urologist. It wasn't exactly how I wanted to start the summer and it would be a problem that would linger throughout.
Overall Analysis
As unfair as it might seem, it's become clear that the whole ordeal with Molly and the kidney stones was ultimately what led to me becoming slowly, but steadily, depressed as the year went along. I had gone from a guy who wasn't interested in dating to someone who wanted to make this work at all costs, ignoring little signs that she wasn't necessarily as interested in me as I thought she had been.
We had a great first conversation, but somehow we never were able to build off of that. Was it my own fault? Maybe. Was it her leading me on? Maybe, but I don't want to point the finger at her. I made mistakes and ultimately I paid for them.
That along with the kidney stones set a tone for the rest of the year, a tone that was never really in my favor.
The entries for this period of time can be found in January/July 2004.