Many moons ago *grin*, I was in a relationship that incorporated aspects of BDSM, and sexually, it was fantastic -- I felt alive in ways that I never had before. Unfortunately, it ended badly, and like many wounded people, I went out and found a man as totally different as he could be.
My vanilla marriage seemed to be what anyone would want, why wasn't I happy? What was wrong with me? (ahhh, the eternal submissive cry...) But it was undoubtedly *my* malfunction, and I vowed to stick it out. Then my "nice" vanilla husband turned out to be a child molester and I was devastated. For over two years I didn't want to think about men or sex. What? let some guy into our lives so that *both* of my children could be molested? Are you out of your mind?
But slowly, with the help of therapy, and a lot of very good friends, I began to come alive again, and came to the realization that it was possible to trust a man. That by my very nature I had a burning need to trust and to share. But I also remembered how bored and unhappy I had been before my world fell apart, and decided that I had to better understand myself before I made another mistake. I began to explore.
BDSM is an interesting acronym, combining three distinct, though often interrelated things:
Because there is so much included in these categories, and because human sexuality and psychology are continuums, you can find people who are all over the spectrum. Everyone has their own idea of being on the edge. Personally, I'm a proponent of free will -- I pretty much figure that whatever you're into is fine as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or scare the horses. (Now I realize that S&M pushes the window on both of these, but hey... we'll let that slide for the moment...)
I like to consider myself a "kinder, gentler Kink". There are definite kinky components to my makeup (I like aspects of bondage, for example, and I'm heavily into D/s), but I'm into the lighter, to me, more erotic, side of it all. I love the concept of lying there helpless as my partner has his way with me... but of course, I also love the concept of having him in the same position... writhing and begging while I lick and nibble at every part of him. (yummmm!)
For this reason, I briefly toyed with the idea that I was a switch, someone who enjoys alternating between domination and submission, but I've come to see that my motivation is all wrong.
There are kink sites that speak of the importance of accepting limits, with the motto of safe, sane, & consentual. There are equally sincere sites that decry the need for safewords or anything else that limits the power of the exchange or the experience. I sort of fall in the middle of all of this.
Yes, I definitely have limits -- there are many things that I have no interest in exploring, whether physically or through fantasy. But I also can't imagine trusting myself to someone who doesn't know and respect those limits, as I want to know and respect his. To me, trust and knowledge are the keys. And part of knowing me is knowing and accepting that I'm a sub, not a masochist.
Someone asked me what was my concept of a Master/slave relationship. My answer speaks to me. I don't pretend that it matches the common perception, and it may not be anything that I ever find. But writing it out at least helped to clarify my thoughts.
First of all, I don't like the terms Master/slave or subservient or such. They are wonderful for the people to whom they have meaning, but they don't fit into my worldview. I much prefer d/s. I'm a very egalitarian, even feminist, sub, though most would disagree with me that that is possible. I don't feel that subs are less than doms, just different, much like a baseball and bat. Each of have different purposes and responsibilities, neither can be substituted for the other nor is either intrinsically less worthy than the other, and without both, the game can't be played.
If you've gotten this far I know that you're probably shaking your heads in disagreement and saying that I'm out of my mind. Well, this could be true too... But if you're also saying, "hey, you aren't submissive", then you're wrong.
I have the same desire to give control of my life over to someone that I trust that all subs do. The same burning need to be of service and to please. But because this is so real to me, and not just some elaborate fantasy, I also have a need to integrate it into the rest of my life and my beliefs.
This is also why I have problems with some of the online "scene", which is more taken with the trappings of it all than I am. The capitalization issue (Master/slave; You/i; HisWorshipfulness/moondrop), for example, can annoy me at times, even though there are many people for whom it seems to have real meaning. I can submit quite totally, thank you very much, and still maintain the use of "I" and "Moondrop". On the other hand, all of the i's in the world mean nothing if my desire to please and submit isn't really there.
Does this mean that I never call someone Master? Not at all. I actually feel a thrill shoot through me when I say that name with meaning and if you find me at alt.com or webmaze or some other public chatroom, participating in some elaborate scenario and it suits my mood, I may well use it then, too. Or I may not. And if I become involved with someone to whom that name gives pleasure, then I will undoubtedly use it. But it will be for his pleasure, and not because of arbitrary convention.
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