Mental Health Hotline
             



* A transcript of the new answering service recently installed
  at the Mental health institute.
                  
                  
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
                  
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
                  
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
                  
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
                  
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
                  
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
                  
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you 
press, no-one will answer.
                  
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
                  
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
                  
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's
maiden name.
                  
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
                  
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for
the beep.
                  
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
                  
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
                  
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
                  
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
                  
If you have low self esteem.  Please hang up.  All our operators
are too busy to talk to you."