WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE




RELATIONSHIPS:
    When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
    to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
    Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life.

    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
    break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
    "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
    forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But, I
    want you to know that there's always a chance for us."

    This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call,
    and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are
    community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
    need.


SEX:
    Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

    Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back
    to her place as part of the foreplay.


MATURITY:
    Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can
    function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading
    baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
    This is why high school romances rarely work out.


MAGAZINES:
    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

    Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is
    because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the
    male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light
    of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
    Most naked men elicit laughter from women.


BATHROOMS:
    A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
    razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.

    A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


GROCERIES:
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
    store and buys these things.

    A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
    lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
    everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the
    checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
    car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him
    from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


CATS:
    Women love cats.

    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
    cats.


OFFSPRING:
    Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
    about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
    friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


DRESSING UP:
    A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
    the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

    A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


LAUNDRY:
    Women do laundry every couple of days.

    A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
    surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he
    will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will
    wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
    mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.  Men always expect to meet
    beautiful women at the Laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by
    re-runs of old American sitcoms.


EATING OUT:
    When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in
    $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.   None of them will
    have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
    change back.

    When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


MIRRORS:
    Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

    Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
    any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
    Garagiola's head.


MENOPAUSE:
    When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
    complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
    The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
    individual.

    Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator
    glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
    shopping for a Porsche.


RICHARD GERE:
    Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

    Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
    who works at the health club and only dates married women.


MADONNA:
    Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.


TOYS:
    Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the
    age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

    Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get
    older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
    impractical.   Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
    Car phones. Complicated  juicers and blenders.  Graphic
    equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
    games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
    batteries to operate.


LOCKER ROOMS:
    In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
    and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
    nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
    about women.

    Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex.   And not in
    abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and
    technical, and they never lie.


MOVIES:
    Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
    scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has
    been produced by a man.

    Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really
    matter.


JEWELRY:
    Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

    A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more
    than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.


TIME:
    When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
    she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
    football game just has five minutes left.  Neither of them is
    counting time outs, commercials, or replays.


FRIENDS:
    Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

    Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
    of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"


RESTROOMS:
    Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.

    Women use restrooms as social lounges.  Men in a restrooms  will
    never speak a word to each other.   Women who've never met will
    leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.  And never
    in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
    restaurant table by saying, "Hey,  Tom, I  was just about to take
    a leak. Do you want to join me?"