I think Santa Claus is a woman.....




I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.  It's as if they are all
frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on
Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men
and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and
guilt, but my boy-friend tells me it's an enormous relief because
it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count
alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.  Surely, if he were a man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.  First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed
desperate claims that buck season had been extended.  Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions.  Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to
inspect and repoint bricks in the flue.  He would also need to check
for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wwearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is thhreatened...having to be
 seen with all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physiqque to be described
 even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of
 jelly".
-Men aren't interested in stockings unlless somebody's wearing
 them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would  seriously inhibit their
 ability to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmmas would require a
 commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.....

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test.

But no St. Nick. Not a chance.  As long as we have each other,
good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of
"The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what
gender Santa is...

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!