8/31/98...Thank God the rains have kept the temperature down.I have heard nothing out of Missouri.I did some figurin' and was shocked to find out what a U-HAUL would cost me.No way could I do that.I figure I'm stuck here with no one wanting to claim me.I guess I'll keep on keepin'on and getting by best I can.It's got to cool off pretty soon.By the way,this winter I plan to learn frames and tables and spruce things up a bit. I guess my deaf neighbor violated his parole or something,a carload of guys in white came and got him.I have yet to see the TV I loaned him.

8/29/98...I swear if the russki's would straighten out that dyslexic bizzaro alphabet,they'd be in alot better shape.(It's a JOKE!) I think I had something important to say but I've forgotten. Looks like the end of the world to me,no matter how you look at it. My E-mail is on the blink,RuthAnn,hang in there. Here is the mail I couldn't get launched: Dear RuthAnn, Sounds to me like maybe some s**t is hittin' the fan in your neighborhood. Don't force the gender-preference issue,it may not be in the cards to redirect those kinds of energies. I'm not one to advise really,but anything unduly forced never seems to work for me. You may be leaving yourself open for trauma,I would suggest you circle the wagons and get ready to kill some savages.It may require some concentration,be careful not to dissipate your concentration unnecessarily. See,I can do this stuff. Anyway,good luck and I'm pulling for you. Love, Ed

8/27/98...Fun's over ,the "What's New At Yahoo"is expired.Oh,well.I am really worn out.I had a hallucination the other day,Orthodox christian symbology with golden idolatry overtones.Nothing like my own belief.I suppose it's downhill from here.If you have any conscience,leave a comment.

8/18/98...But I wanna tell ya,it's monsoon,cicada and presidential scandal season here in the Great American Southwest.No end in sight.I swear it gets soupier here when the rains come than it does in coastal Oregon.If it lasted any longer than six weeks it would be Florida. Like I've said,well-balanced people don't run for public office.They're all seeking approval and looking for some kind of power,take my word for it.Clinton would have preferred to be a rock star but the presidency was the next best thing. Since we aren't European in our attitudes about sexual indiscretion,this thing is going to simmer on and on and Saddam and Fidel can have a field day with it. I found out my friends in Missouri never made it out,details are sketchy,but my hopes rose a little on the chance I may yet get a chance to go back to Oregon (if they try again).

8/16/98...I'm working on a new heading,so far have succeeded in messing things up terribly;more to come. Am suffering an episode in rot,when I came down with Chronic Fatigue all my tooth fillings were simultaneously rejected, and I had many.Since,when the remains of a tooth finally dies it is interpreted as a foreign body by what remains of my immune system and I undergo a period of "get that damn thing out of here" and all the attending horrors.Well that's where we're at now.For reasons beyond me,there is no dental coverage under Medicare and I am left to put up with Nature's way of doing things.Bummer! Had an an interesting encounter last night:got a new neighbor,a deaf and somewhat mute 40 year old man escaping what he characterizes as an intolerable situation with his epileptic wife and their hyperactive son.Tragic?Sure, but such as this is all around; it's not that unusual. What gave me pause is how deafness since birth has made this individual irrevocably different and has guaranteed that his life shall be difficult.He is 40 years old,given to sensory excess,and WILL NEVER CHANGE. My screwed up history mandates that I,too,will never change,no matter how I wish otherwise.Some things are mandated by fate.My life is one of them.I have neither the resources or ability to redirect destiny,only the desire to soften the discomfort.Who can blame me? Did you catch this week's Space Ghost Coast to Coast?They aired both Merrill Markoe episodes.It was great.Catch this show if you haven't already, next week is Greta Van Susteren.I see that Dexter's Laboratory is nominated for an Emmy...well deserved.Later,people. Thanks so much for the comments, keep 'em coming.I DON'T appreciate the pornsite spam...get a real job.

8/10/98...Life in the midst of adversity:the voices were screaming at me last night in anticipation of my appointment this morning,resorted to taking one of the antipsychotics and did NOT want to wake up.My appointment slip says 10:45,when I got there they told me I was late and should've been there at 10.I wasn't seen which is a mixed bag because I don't think they give a damn anyway.They tell me counseling is not available to me because I have a chronic,ongoing condition that would not likely respond to talk therapy. The West Yavapai Guidance Clinic must be a huge cash cow for somebody,it is the third largest employer in the county:behind the hospital and the county itself.At any of the facilities I've been in there are many more employees than clients,all tripping over each other in a confused state.They won't talk to a walk-in who doesn't have $50 in their pocket.I don't know what the aim of the organization is unless it is to acquire real estate.It doesn't seem to be about delivering services to people in need. Wanted:Transportation to Curry County,Oregon for me and my computer;can help with expenses and driving.

8/5/98...A couple of things from RuthAnn: " A Story To Live By." My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion." I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'."Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended towrite-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them. It's even better if they're not the people you already correspond with every week. "You've got to dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt." "People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands......... because they know the other hand will always be there." "Things I've Learned About Life." I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can dois be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important.It's what they do about it. I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down may be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't always biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get further in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us. I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned that no matter how fast or how far you go, you can't out run God. I've learned that love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see. I've learned that even if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, it is still the wrong thing to do. I told RuthAnn such sentiments make me wistful and I have tried,the better part of my life,to bury such feelings because they make evident to me what shall never be for yours truly.Nonetheless,RuthAnn is a friend and I trust that what moves her has intrinsic worth.

8/1/98... The experiment referred to below was:trying to get off prescription drugs for depression/anxiety by substituting herbs. I learned a couple of things over the last six weeks and hereby force you to listen while I tell you about it.I was using nortriptyline and fluoxetine for depression as well as dalmane and inderal for panic/anxiety.I attempted to substitute St.John's Wort for depression and Kava Kava for panic/anxiety. St.John's Wort is probably somewhat effective for mild depression.It is mildly stimulating and may aggravate anxiety/panic problems.It is not as potent against depression(in my case) as prescription drugs. Kava Kava is a deceptively potent antianxiety agent and can aggravate depressive symptoms.I think it definitely has value in acute situations,such as a panic episode,but prolonged use seems to intensify indigenous depression. The use of either of these herbs concurrently with prescription medications can possibly lead to peculiar effects and should be watched carefully. What do I plan to do?So far I have not resumed taking the Dalmane or Inderal.For episodic panic or anxiety I think Kava Kava,used with disgression,may be a viable alternative. St.John's Wort doesn't seem to be a "kick-ass" alternative to prescription antidepressants,at least for MAJOR depression.So I have resumed the nortriptyline and fluoxetine,at the risk of being deemed "flaky" by the general public. Got a picture of my new grand-daughter,Stefeni,today...she looks alot like her sister,totally cute.

7/21/98...I give up!Trying to get off the prescriptions is depressing the hell out of me.I declare this experiment over and done with.Life in this place should not be this hellish.If I am out of my mind but less tortured,so be it.Deal with it.

7/15/98...Still here,have given up all the prescriptions and while I seem to be in a more normal state of mind,my normal state does not contain much in the way of energy.Not an awful lot of motivation and thus alot of time between updates. The hottest summer in 400 years and where am I?ARIZONA! I narrowly missed my chance to return to the Oregon coast;they called,ready to go,AFTER I had paid rent and I couldn't afford to go.Curses! Since the old brain doesn't function when the ambient temperature exceeds 80 degrees,I can think of nothing to add. Oh,yeah...Stefeni entered the world July 2nd,looks like her sister and all is well. Stay cool.