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After round 2 the doctors let me out for another short break before the last round. I remember getting out and feeling better than I had in a long time. I was able to eat what I liked, stay up late, drive around til all hours, and a whole bunch of other things that I truly missed during my hospitalization. I was starting to feel worried about the third round, and the prospect of losing my life which had once again seemed so normal. I had everything in order. I had my best friend at my side and hanging out regularly. I had my computer and the precious connection it gave me to the woman I loved. I was also feeling pretty damned good about life and myself.
But increasingly I got a sense that everything was gonna slip away again. And that scared me, cause I had come so far and I didn't want to lose it all especially when there was no cancer present anymore. But I knew what I'd soon have to do and it scared me. Deep inside I thought of death and goodbyes I would never be able to deliver in person. I wasn't ready to risk it all again.
However it seemed I was ready to do something even more stupid and risky. The weekend after I got out I went out with my friends to a night club in Orlando every night for the whole weekend. When Sunday rolled around I found myself bellying up to the bar and drinking myself near to death. I have asked myself what I was thinking but I've never gotten a satisfactory answer. But for all intents and purposes I was drinking myself to death. I had too much Jack Daniels and too many beers that night for a man whose blood was irregular due to massive chemotherapy. In honesty I had too much for your average man. What I've never been able to reconcile is why I let it go so far. I wanted to escape the pain and the doubt but I knew I was drinking far too much, indeed I drank a near lethal amount that night.
This is where I guess this is where I say the moral is I've never been so powerless as I was when I was drunk. But the truth is that I felt more impowered then than I had in a long time. I was taking my life or risking it but I was in control for a change. If I was gonna die it was gonna be on my terms not by some fluke infection or by a tenacious cancer. I felt that I had control over my life for the first time in months. And I guess I did, cause i was choosing to push it, and I made the concious decision to stop. But what got me there in the first place is the question I've sought an answer for.
Well I didn't die as you can tell. And after that experience once I saw my doctor to schedule the third round I had him do so as soon as possible. I decided it was time to find out whether I would survive another round or not. And it kept me from taking any more chances with my own life. And so began the third round. |
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