Last Call

Once I returned to the hospital I underwent some preliminary testing to make sure my could take the new chemotherapy.  The drugs used are unimportant except that they have possible neurological side effects.  But I apparently checked out so the therapy began anew. 

To be honest I was feeling pretty good and the first days were made easier by occasional calls to my hon.  However it got harder as the days went on and as I started to feel weaker.  But I was also bored as hell, so I had my parents bring in this computer upon which I'm working now.  It gave me and continues to give me some vital contact with the outside world.  And it was at this point that I decided to begin this series of pages which you're are perusing now.  And I spent what time I had online talking with my baby and reassuring her and myself that everything was gonna be ok.

You've Gotta Bottom Out to Rise

5 days passed since the chemo had finished. I had to stay in the hospital for this period tho I felt well because my blood counts were low.  But I awoke on Sunday to a high fever and a general feeling of weakness.  I recall going to bed the night before thinkiing I might not be back for a while or at all.  As a result I wrote a letter that I felt needed to be written and did some other little things I had meant to. 

As that Sunday passed my fever got worse and I gradually lost the feeling in my legs and I was overcome with a general feeling of nausea.  This didn't subside very quickly and without pain medications I went thru perhaps the worst 48 hours of my life.  As those 2 days progressed my mobility decreased steadily and I found it difficult to raise and lower my arms or do much of anything.  I was bed ridden once again and having flashbacks to the previous stay which had landed me in ICU.  I really began to think I was gonna die again, and I wondered why I had allowed myself to be hospitalized again. 

But just as before I seemed to come thru the experience and slowly I rebounded.  As I write this I still sit in the hopital.  I'm not sure when they will let me out but I feel better and I have ambitions to get the hell out of here and get on with my life. The question tho for me remains what will I do with that life? 

No I never shut up.

"Knockin' on Heaven's Door" this one should be self explanatory.  But this was do or die literally.