PAST SMILES
Laugh at your own risk!
My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. And that was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then it fell off.
My wife will buy anything that is marked down. Last month she bought an escalator.
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
Five out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
A precocious 4 year old was brought to the ER with a severe cough. She kept up a non-stop conversation while the nurse was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally the nurse said, "SHHH! I have to see if Barney is in there." The child looked at the nurse calmly and said, "Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.."
SHE SAID
I was recently in the hospital and my brother told his 3 children ages 6,4, and 2 that Aunt Elise was in the hospital. My 2 year old niece exclaimed, "Aunt Elise is TOUGH!"
MID LIFE CRISIS
My brother recently bought a new sports car and with his wife and 2 youngest boys, drove over to my dad's to show him the car. "Nice car," commented dad. To which the 11 year old replied, "My dad is just going through his mid life crisis. I want to go through my mid life crisis when I am 15."
IF
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and drycleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually become depressed and depleted! Baseball players will be debased, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What do you mean?" "All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio."
THE COUNSELOR
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
OVERLY SUSPICIOUS
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56) The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42) The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
1. How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Allan, age 10
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jan Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
I taught a class of Special kids in Junior High. My area of "expertise" became math when we divided the subjects so they could alternate classes like their peers, and maybe not feel so singled out. One project I decided shold be making them aware of salary scales and living within budgets. The first step was listing a "job" for each student. I walked the aisle asking each what he/she planned to do when they finished school. Answers went from police to surgeons, lawyers to firemen and finally an answer that happened to be truthful and was on his way to success in his chosen field--"a criminal." CONTRIBUTED BY Lara Johnson
God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dawn to dusk, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." "The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." "And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." "And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." "And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. "And it was so."
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and sent them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" Don't worry, Bubba, said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish a-drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and through the bottles under the seat." What fer?" asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus. When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," said Cletus." We're on the patch."
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you to send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article -HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, Tax Payer
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said, "Wake me at six." An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot.
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha" Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?" The groom says "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
A druggist was promoting the new super-improved Rogaine hair restorer when a customer asked if it really were effective. "I'll say !" replied the pharmacist. "Yesterday a lady wanted some for her husband. She opened the safety cap with her teeth and this morning, she called to say she had a mustache."
Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree "T-Bone $ 4.25 ". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the "*" was "with meat, $14.95"
YES, SAID THE OLD MAN TO HIS VISITOR, "I'M PROUD OF MY GIRLS AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM COMFORTABLY MARRIED. AS I HAVE MADE A LITTLE MONEY IN MY DAY THEY WILL NOT GO PENNILESS TO THEIR HUSBANDS. THERE IS MARY WHO IS 25 YRS. OLD I WILL GIVE $1,OOO WHEN SHE MARRIES. THEIR IS ELIZABETH I WILL GIVE $3,000 WHEN SHE MARRIES. AND WHOEVER TAKES ELIZA, I WILL GIVE $5,000. THE VISITOR AN ENTERPRISING YOUNG MAN, REFLECTED A MOMENT AND REPLIED,"YOU HAVEN'T A DAUGHTER AROUND 50 DO YOU?"
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks ??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks ??? I could well be dead by then." Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment."
Planning a weekend of entertaining guest, I made a list of things I needed to do, Including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I have been promising to take to lunch asked If we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my list to the dash- board and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car her face dropped. "Thanks a lot !" she explained. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Police in Oakland, California spent six hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
This weekend in Los Angeles, a woman gave birth after she was implanted with an embryo that had been frozen for 7 years. Afterwards, the woman said she had no idea if she was having a little boy, a little girl, or fish sticks.
ACTUAL EXAM ANSWER -One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
Always give 100% at work....... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
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LADY AND THE ATHEIST
This godly sweet woman lived in the older part of a city where she has lived for the past 40 years. Each & every morning she would go out on the open front porch lift her hands to the sky and say "Praise you dear Lord for all of the Blessings you have given me all these wonderful years, I love you so very much & never want to stop praising you!" With that the man next door popped his head out of his front door & said "Phooey, I do not believe in God, I am an Atheist!" The sweet woman said nary a word, turned around & walked back into her house. This same scenario was repeated day after day, after day, with of course the neighbor doing his "Thing" saying "Phooey, I do not believe in God, I am an Atheist!" Then alas one morning this sweet woman came out as usual lifting her hands again skyward and calls out to the lord Praising him, but then asks the Lord, "Dear Jesus you know how much I LOVE YOU, and I know your Blessings upon me have been super abundant, now Lord I am in such great need of food as I have given my last bit of money this month to pay the rent, repair the washing machine, & your tithe, leaves me no money to pay for any food, I know Lord you will provide for my needs, I thank you so very much!" Turns around & goes back into her home, just as her neighbor is saying "Phooey, I do not believe in God, I am an Atheist!" The very next morning on this sweet woman's porch is four HUGE bags of groceries. She opened the door went to the porch railing & lifting her hands skyward exclaimed" Dear Jesus, I knew you would provide me my needs, I thank you my Dearest Lord!" With that her neighbor was behind a bush & jumped out saying "Phooey, I do not believe in God, I am an Atheist, I am the one who bought those groceries!" This sweet woman again pushes her hands skyward, & says "Praise you my Dearest Lord Jesus, you provided me with all of these groceries, and had the Devil pay for them!"
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until we get home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand. 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like.
"A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS." When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no. "Then why are you checking it out?" "Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, . . . "I just started collecting moths last month!"
Checkout Redemption While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?", the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
Y2K CLEARANCE SALE
FOR SALE: 200 canned hams 100lbs. dried beans 2000 gal. fresh water(including underground tank) 5000 watt propane generator 75 MRE'S 800 assorted canned vegetables 8 cases sterno (24 per case) 18 boxes matches 2000 rounds of 45 caliber bullets 10 cases 12 ga. shotgun shells 50 "D" cell batts. 75 "AA" batts. 47 "AAA" batts. 1 solar powered radio 4 cases powdered protein 1 milk cow 1 bull 7 laying hens 1 rooster 40x60 underground shelter (with separate livestock quarters) 1 wood burning stove 8 cords wood 43 assorted magazines 12 flashlights 8 kerosene lamps 16 military blankets many other misl. survival items. all items sold together or separately bids will be accepted starting 1/2/00. serious offers only.
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES 1. Sag - You're It! 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Doc, Doc, Goose 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Hide and Go Sleep 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical Recliners
If absense makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church. I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes.
When you hear the toilet flush and immediately afterwards, the words, "Uh-oh". . .it is already too late.
People are like tea bags. . . . . .you have to put them in hot water before you can find out just how strong they are.
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
**STRANGERS ON A TRAIN**
A man and a woman who have never met before
find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of
a train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over
and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,
says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're
married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own
blanket."
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to
his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the
other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing,
and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office,
sir!"
The maddest fella I ever heard of was riding the Illinois Central Railroad what runs from New Orleans to Chicago and back. He got on that train in Chicago, headed south. He told the porter, "I'm afraid to go to my roomette and go to sleep because I may not wake up in time to get off of this train in Wynona, Mississippi, in the morning. I'm hard to wake up, and if you call me and I don't answer you and you shake me, I have been known to come up a- fighting." The porter said, "That's all right. I've had this job forty years. I fight somebody every morning. And I don't care how much resistance you give me, I don't care how much you fight, if you tell me to put you off the train, I'll put you off!" Well, the man slept good. He woke up the next morning in McComb, Mississippi—two hours south of Wynona. He throwed a fit. He grabbed the porter and choked him. The police come aboard and calmed the fella down. A man said to the porter, "You know, that's the maddest human being I ever seen in my life. Don't you agree?" And the porter said, "He was a mad fella, but I seen one other man in my lifetime madder than him." "Who in the world could that have been?" He said, "The man I put off in Wynona this morning."
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling
a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the previous bill hadn't
been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer. The
collections manager made the call and left left a voice-mail for them saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the
customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it.. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it.. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort." The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?"
Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
It was the Grandparents' day to baby-sit their 3-year-old Granddaughter. The Grandmother, concerned for the child's safety, locked the porch gate in spite of the child's howls of indignation. Later, the Grandfather, a wise old Police Sergeant, did the same thing to bar the lil' girl from the kitchen. This time though, there were no cries of protest. Drawing on his experience in calming criminals, he told the lil' girl he was using the gate to keep the Grandmother from bothering them while they watched TV & Mom-Mom cooked dinner.
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit !
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? A. Ice Scream
Q. What's a monster's favorite play? A. Romeo and Ghouliet
Q. What do witches put on their hair? A. Scare spray
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A. Bamboo
Q. What's a haunted chicken? A. A poultry-geist
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?- A. He has a big D on his pajamas
Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? A. Grandma monster
Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? A. Because he was in need of a light snack
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?- A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? A. Boo boos
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? A. They're good at keeping things under wraps
Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? A. Ghost-Toasties
Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A. A wash and wear wolf
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? A. They boo-kle their seatbelts
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? A. Count Duckula
Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A. A cereal killer
Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A. Because everyone was a goblin!
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. What do witches use on their hair? A. Scare spray
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? A. His other fang.
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? A: Twick or Tweet
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? A: It's good for the bones
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? A: White Pillowcases
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away
Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? A: Spelling
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? A: Because he was coffin
Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? A: At a blood bank
Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? A: To the dead sea
Q: What is Transylvania? A: Dracula's terror-tory
Q: Where does dracula water ski? A: On Lake Erie
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? A: A blood vessel
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference? A: Pumpkin Pi
Q: Why are there fences around cemetaries? A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? A: She looks at her witch-watch.
Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? A: An amoeboo!
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night? A: By blood vessels.
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed. Recently a petite girl with pierced eyebrows, nose, lip, ears and bellybutton walked into the community college adminstrations office where I work. I was shocked by her appearance, but she seemed very pleasant and listened carefully as I explained what was required for admission. I noted that before enrollment we would need proof of immunization. At this she froze and asked nervously, "You mean they're gonna stick me with a needle?"
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Gosh, Mom," came the young womans voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
Have you heard about the small town with a Christian church and a Baptist church? When the mill closed and people moved away there wasn't enough people to keep both churches going. The congregations decided to combine, but the big question was whether it was to be a Baptist church or a Christian church. After much discussion, it was decided that there were more from one than the other so it would be a Christian church. At this point an old deacon from the Baptist church stood up and said: "My father was a Baptist. My grandfather was a Baptist. I'm a Baptist. I've always been a Baptist and NO ONE is going to make me a Christian!"
There's the guy who died and went to heaven and as he was being shown around he saw a group of people on a cloud separate from all the rest. He asked the angel who they were and the angel said: "Shhhhh! They're the Baptists and they think they're the only ones here."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Someone has stolen our tent."
SPARE PARTS AND WORKING HEARTS An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
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