Jokes and Quotes


This page is going to contain some words of "wisdom" that I have collected over the years.  Hope you enjoy them and even laugh at a few!



I expect to pass through this world but once;
any good thing therefore that I can do, or any
kindness that I can show any fellow creature,
let me do it now: let me not defer or neglect
it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Stephen Grellet




Are You Tired?
The population of this country is 220 million, 84 million over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People
 under 20 years of age total 95 million, which leaves 41 million
to do the work.
There are 22 million who are employed by the government,
which leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the
Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct
14,800,000, the number in state and city offices, leaving 200,000
to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, insane asylums,
ect., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people
in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That's you
and me--and brother I'm getting tired of doing everything
myself !
(Please keep in mind I was working for the government
when I got this and it is only a joke. ~S~)




RISKS
To Laugh is to Risk appearing the Fool.
To Weep is to Risk appearing Sentimental.
To Reach out for another is to Risk Involvement.
To Expose feelings is to Risk exposing your True Self.
To Place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to Risk their Loss.
To Love is to Risk not being Loved in Return.
To Live is to Risk Dying.
To Hope is to Risk Despair.
To Try is to Risk Failure.
But Risks must be taken because the Greatest Hazard in Life is to Risk
Nothing.
The Person who Risks Nothing, does Nothing, has Nothing and is Nothing.
They may avoid Suffering and Sorrow, but They cannot Learn, Feel, Change
Grow, Love or Live.
Chained by Their Attitudes, They are slaves and They have Forfeited Their
Freedom.
Only the Person who Risks is Free.




~~IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY~~
Once upon a time, there was a non conforming
sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice
began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in
a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and
crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought
it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to
breathe, he started to sing. Just then a
large cat came by and hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the
chirping bird and promptly ate him.
~~~~~~The moral of the story:~~~~~~
1. Everyone who shits on you is not
necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not
necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit,
keep your mouth shut.




YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING
TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the
party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency
routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back
of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none
of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is
George.
Author Unknown but troubled




QUESTIONS OF LIFE

**Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you
can't drink and drive?
**Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
**Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
**Why are there floatation devises under plane seats instead
of parachutes?
**Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
**Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
**Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical
situations?
**How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
**If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
**If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick
to the pan?
**If buttered toast always lands buttered side down on the
floor and the cat always lands on it's feet, what would happen
if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat
and dropped it?
**If you are driving at the light of speed and turn on your headlights,
What happens?
**Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up
ATM?
**Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
**Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
**Why is it when you transport something by car it is called
A shipment, but when you transport something by ship it is
called cargo?
**You know the indestructible black box on airplanes, why don't
they make the entire plane from the same substance?
**Why is it when you are driving and looking for an address
you turn down the radio?
**Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
**Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
**What would geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
**If firefighters fight fire, and grime fighters fight grime,
what do freedom fighters fight?
**If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
**If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
**Why is there no blue food?
**Why do they always put cold water knobs on the right?




   Home


This page hosted by GeoCities Get your own Free Home Page