Tucson,AZ-Elves have long been a part of folklore as cheerful little wood sprites that dance about naked and shoot arrowst,and have, for the most part, been reveared as glib little peace lovers who live only to do good and be cuddly. This is just not so.
Evidence has now come to light that these creatures do in fact exist outside of their fairy tales. Beyond that it has been uncovered that they have become even more of a staggering nuisance than gremlins. The reality of the matter is that these pint sized little weasels use their pointed ears, Fairy Dust and abject cuteness to wreak unimagined havoc and mischief on the unsuspecting populace of the world.
The first sighting of the elves was made by Stephan Wapenthopper who was unavailable for comment due to being dead. According to Clara, Wapenthopper's senile but no less reliable mother, Wapenthopper had been working all day at Handy Lube Automotive just outside of Ash Fork when he had his unfortunate run in with these jolly bringers of pain. It happened as he was in the middle of a routine oil change which he had been working on for five solid hours that day. The phone rang and, like a dutiful employee, he answered it. He would later report, at the court hearing, that he was only gone for an hour or so and when he returned he heard giggling and general merriment emenating from beneath the vehicle. Upon investigation he witnessed jolly little beings about three inches tall in Robin Hood outfits fleeing the scene and he found the arduous oil change completed. Eventually the car's owner came and paid the $175 bill and after suggesting a few choice words about Wapenthopper's mother, got in his car and drove away. Five feet from the shop, however, the car exploded killing not only the driver but a bus full of nuns as well. Wapenthopper was arrested and brought up on charges. After being call a lunatic by the jury members who convicted him he escaped during Prison trasfer and fled to Montana. This was where he told his shocking story again, this time to the National Inquiry Papers.
According to his interview, he recounted his tale including his misperception that the elves were of the sort who mended shoes in Virginia(re:Crisis Quarterly issue 45 June 1978). He had been sadly mistaken. Apparently the elves decided not to stop at sabatoge. In the course of Wapenthopper's ordeal, the little heatens not only rigged the car with enough plastique to blow Oprah and Rossanne to kingdom come, but also planted falsified documents indicating Wapenthopper's involvement in an illeagal insurance scam with the car driver's wife, and even went so far as to generate doctored pictures of Wapenthopper and the wife engaged in several methods of wild animal sex. The elves finally caught up with Wapenthopper at a militia rally when they stabbed him 42 times with an ice pick, planting fingerprints and other incriminating evidence pointing to the wife who is currently taking residence in the Virgin Islands. Any read blooded American who loves his mother and baseball can see the guilt of the elves in all this.
This is the sort of sick, demented and unethical behavior that is characteristic of this race of tiny men. The elves are no more than six inches tall but are possesed of strength beyond that of an average man. They are quick and use their evil mind altering dust to manipulate situations and the people in them.
"The elves, while now spread out, originated from the area around Vail, AZ or more specifically the Colossal Cave area." Stated Elfologist Dennis HoBugg, who is now fleeing prosecution for charges of interstate kidnapping, "There are a few tribes that still hang out up there due to its climate and the proximity to Gandalf's Castle(known to the public as the Green Water Castle). For the most part they have moved into the Tucson area in responce to Vail's increasing Ogre population."
HoBugg, while not pretending to be a streetlamp, has launched an intensive investigation into the elf phenomenon since the late '80's when they took to raiding his makeshift tent and hiding borken light bulbs and bits of fruit in his prophylactics. The nuisance became so strong that he was forced to send for a mongoose. "Mongeese are just better. With dogs you get elf bits all over and blood covering everything. The mongoose is much more efficent and and single minded in purpose. They are one of the elves few natural predators. Sure there are others like Trolls, Ogres, Gremlins and Greater Demons but you really don't want those sorts of things mucking about your house either. No, the mongoose is the predator of choice. Besides they get rid of Young Republicans and Hari Krishnas as well," stated HoBugg.
No pictures have been sucessfully taken of the elves as the photographer's hand tend to burst into spontaneous flame. A few hand drawn pictures exist but have been sabatoged and the artists have been found in bloody heaps on their living room floor.
Of course the Tucson Police Department(TPD) deny the involvement and in fact the existance of these creatures and refuse to comment. Obviously their god-complexed minds have atrophied and are barely on this side of functioning without drool. In fact just yesterday a local reporter who was investigating the critters found himself embroiled in a high speed chase culminating in a shootout and the destruction of the statue of 'David' on exibit at the University. Clearly the elves tampered with the excellerator and began to open fire on the persuing squad car. Really how could they belive that I would be going 180 mph in a school zone? Especially since all those parapelligic blind kids were crossing at the time. And the automatic weapons fire? Totally the work of the elves. And this bit about income tax evasion for 13 years? Elves are the most pure evil this country has ever seen and we won't be safe until ever household owns a mongoose.
"The elves are bad, real bad." Stated HoBugg" The sooner we rid the city of them, then the sooner we'll be rid of them."
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