Well I guess this being my first entry I should tell you all something more about myself than the bio contains, something about where I am at this point in my life. Okay simple: I am a 22 year old single college student who lives with his parents and works way too much. If there were to be a significant aspect of my life to talk about it would be this: I am burning out. I have no time for myself and when I get time all I want to do is stay at home and sleep or lament those things in my life that I am missing out on...which is all that stuff I am too tired to do. And there it is. That is me, right now in a nutshell. I envy people a lot lately. People with large groups of friends that they hang out with a lot and can generally have a good time. People who can travel and have wlaks in the park. People who have someone, and by this I mean significant other, to share their lives with.
I choose this journal as a forum for this sort of lamenting simply because for the most part the people in my life consider my feckless meanderings as meaningless approval seeking and an attempt to get attention. Well I do that certainly but the reasons behind such a weak method of life are the real deal...That is to say when I feel depressed and consider myself of relatively little worth I mean it. I truely feel that way most of the time. The things I do go largely unnoticed and if ever I become proud of something I am treated as if I am being consited. They seem to believe that I know I am good and that any mention of it from me is self interested bluster. It isn't. I generally don't feel as if I do very much well. Sure, I try a lot of things but in a general sense I don't feel I do anything really well.
This process is frustrating becasue in order to pull oneself out of these sorts of heavy natured slumps is to realize one's own importance and worth as a person for themselves. They must have a true sense of themselves beyond the opinions and thoughts of others. They must love themselves at least so far as to allow themselves to succeed and feel good about that success. Well I can't seem to realize this and the turned backs of my contemporaries only serve to drive this stigma farther into me. I can't get a boost to help me out of this hole I am in.
I want desperately to find someone to be with, romantically speaking, but that doesn't seem to be a liklihood. I don't know why that is particularly but I think that perhaps I am afraid of relationships now. I have a suspicion(sp) that I am sabotaging whatever chances I might have by being such a goober all of the time. Often I find myself acting goofy in order to make people laugh and end up being discounted as a serious contender for a relationship. Beyond that I am such a shy and insecure bastard I cannot talk to women any more. I don't know how to go from talking to someone to asking them out.
Lately I have been concentrating on school and my responsibilities but those don't do much for me. I want to go away, go somewhere where no one knows me and just rest, physically and emotionally but such escapes are not practical. I will not allow my self drugs or alcohol to escape so here I am. The way I feel reminds me of a quote from Bush:
"I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time"
This is how I feel I am around people all the time but they don't helo the lonliness. They don't help the fear of rejection or the general hurting involved with not liking one's self. But in the immortal words of my friend Chris: Oh well.
© 1997 bodhili@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page