Okay here it is Halloween night. In the strictest sense it is no longer halloween but I am not going to quibble about time. I could be at a party at the moment. I just got back from one and could concievably be at another one but I am not going. I am just too tired and sick from candy and adrenaline to be around a bunch of drunk people. The party is probably fun and going along nicely but I am here. There are two things that I want to get into tonight. One is serious and may well be a downer and the second is more upbeat and humorous.
I'll dive into the sober passages first....
I had a conversation with Marsh tonight that brought some issues about me up. We were taling about a rather unfortunate sexual encounter I had about nine months or so ago. He hadn't heard the story yet and wasn't particularly happy with me over it. More concerned than angry, but nothing else if not dissapointed. It lead to a discussion about some issues I have touched on in this journal but not to my personal satisfaction. I am getting to it now.
My first girlfriend,Brandy, had a very faulty way of 'dealing' with her problems. She would get angry and stay angry which allowed her to avoid ever having to deal with problems. I have always felt that this was extreme folly on her part and served to allow this aspect of her to rule her. She never got over hurt or loss because that space was filled with anger. I have struggled for years with a bad impression of myself, which is the primary cause of most of my bad decisions and depression. I have tried to rid myself of this low self esteem in many ways and succeeded to some degree but I am still entrenched in this heavy mud of self doubt. For awhile I was doing much better. My outlook was improving and I strove to be happy and upbeat. After Desiree dumped me and Kim was not interested, I sunk into the mire of depression worse than I ever had. I allowed it in and allowed it to consume me. I was miserable, and to a large extent still am. Obviously this isn't healthy.
I have had, as any of you who read my journal entries go, an uphill struggle to regain a sense of happiness and contentment. I cling to the notion that I need to have a woman in my life, I cling to an ideal that something else has to happen for me to get better and that I just have to search and find it. In this respect I am dead wrong.
Often times I say something like '...and that is why no woman wants me.' and I am copmpletely joking. Just as often I am serious and legitimately feel pathetic and useless and that I need to have a woman in order to feel good and necessary.There are several problems with this. One problem is that I make it someone else's responsibility to make me feel okay, which is classic blame shifting so I don't have to effect real change. Two I sell myself short by assuming that the strength is not within me to change and that it has to come from someone's "Fixing." Three, I am hiding.
It is the third one I want to focus on right now. Just as Brandy hides behind rage and anger, I hide behind depression clinging to the notions that I will be more attractive if I am somehow tortured and that as long as I stay depressed the world can't hurt me because I have already been hurt. This is the cowards way out and until recently I thought I was being down to earth. Further I feel like the sabatoging of relationships I do is a direct attempt to make sure that I never get involved and therefore can never be hurt. I need to face this overwhelming fear of having people not like me. not everyone is going to like me and that is that. No discussion. Obviously I cannot change it in anyway. I can try to be a likable person, but what people consider to be likable differ and there you have it. Further, I absolutely MUST learn first and foremost to like who I am and not lament how much I think I suck.
I am sick of the constant need to be depressed. I am sick of having to have people think that I am in a bad mood as I try to cover insecurities. It gets me no where. The fact of the matter is that it is much easier to be depressed than to be happy. It is far easier to give up than to keep up happiness. Well, that is pretty stupid. I want to be happy. I want to not be upset and depressed and feeeling worthless all the time. So here is where it ends. I will not be a slave to depression and bad feelings anymore. End of story.
Now that that bit has been said I want to talk briefly about my Halloween. It was very good. The Party at Katie's was very cool and I enjoyed it quite a bit. After the party we went to IHOP. Here is where the fun begins. I was dressed as the killer from Scream, ghost face and all. I had planned to take off the mask after sitting down at the table but my plans were changed rather quickly. Desiree was there. Not only was she there, but was taking pictures of me and wanting to know what I looked like. Now, that in and of itself wasn't a big deal and I was eventually going to take the mask off. But there were other people who I did not want to have seen me. IT was a classic night for me when I run into everyone I don't want to see but this time I managed to be in disguise and no one knew who I was. This was a whole hell of a lot of fun for me. Ima gine being able to sit and observe events without any fear of the players knowing who I am. Now not being a stalker, I have never done anything like this before but it was nice to sit there with a bunch of people I don't like running around(and in some cases don't like me) and I can sit there annonymous. It is great. Plus I wasn't talking so I was freaking everyone out with the costume...big fun let me tell you. THe set up, as it turns out, was perfect. I was with people who were unrecognizable to Desiree and her cohorts, rode in someone else's car, also unrecognizable and was in an extremely popular costume which couldn't be linked to me at all. It couldn't have been any better if I had planned it. It was like being invisible, it was like being a fly on a wall. It was very fun...probably the best Halloween in a long time. It was very fun before IHOP and very interesting when I was at IHOP. If anytime you can pull that sort of situation without making a big ellaborate obssesive deal about it I highly reccomend it. Probably best if you do it around halloween or you may get arrested or followed home by the police. At any rate it was a cool thing.
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