Right so that last one was a downer wasn't it? I get that way quite a bit. Right now however I am sitting here dreading the evening. I have to work for 11 hours tonight. This does not make me happy. What makes me more unhappy is this recent dream trend of mine. For the past few weeks I have been dreaming of April. Big time. It bothers me because it has been making me want to go out with her again. The problem with that is clearly that things don't work between us. It is that simple. All this really is, it seems, is a desperation attempt. By that rather convoluted statement I mean that I am down because I can't seem to find anyone who will go out with me and so I am saying 'well you are lonely, you can't find anyone right so go out with someone wrong and at least you won't be alone.' NO. I won't do that. I will not make a bad decision jsut because I am lonely.
The problem is that the retarded part of the mind can take on seemingly rational guises. You can trick yourself into saying that it is something that you want even though ever bit of reason is screaming at you to back off, head the other direction and find a hobby. I want to do that and I will but still the feelings, the desires to do the cock stupid thing remains and I have gotten burned before for being weak. I pray I will be strong. I pray that I will be everything that I want myself so desperately to be and that is someone who does the right thing. I don't want to make decisions based on feeling lonely or desperate, nor do I want to make decisions based on hormones. That would be unfair to me and unfair to her. She deserves better than that. I hope that she can find someone who will treat her well and not fuck her over. She needs it bad. I couldn't be that person though. We fought and argued and feelings were always hurt and it destabilized every aspect of our lives. I can't go through that again and she can't either.
So my present delimma is what to do with these feelings, and how do I get the dreams to stop? I take my dreams very seriously and I view them as windows to ourselves that we mmight not be ready to look through when awake. Well I may not be ready to look but I have to get this worked out. I don't like having things like this looming over me. The most immediate and obvious fix would be to go out with someone, but dammit if I can't manage to find anybody. It makes me feel really bad, that bit too. I feel very undesirable most times and it makes me want to stop trying all together but for some reason I can't. I can't seem to rope in my emotions of late and that too disturbs me. I am all a jumble of feelings that I can't do anything with lately and it needs to stop. I suspect that if I could fit some sleep in it might help but that is as attainable as a girlfriend at the moment. SO here I am wallowing once more in self pity and doubt wondering how the hell to make it. School is hurting, work is hurting and I am hurting. I need a bandaide.
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