When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it..
------------------------------------
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and
an ass to pay for it all.
------------------------------------
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
------------------------------------
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
------------------------------------
Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.
------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
------------------------------------
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
------------------------------------
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken.
------------------------------------
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
------------------------------------
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
------------------------------------
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
------------------------------------
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says:"So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, " Why did you make her
so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
------------------------------------
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.
------------------------------------
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
A dog is a man's best friend.
Who's smarter?
------------------------------------
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
------------------------------------
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
------------------------------------
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
------------------------------------
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
------------------------------------
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
------------------------------------
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
------------------------------------
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
------------------------------------
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
------------------------------------
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
------------------------------------
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
------------------------------------
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A power failure.
------------------------------------
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
------------------------------------
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
------------------------------------
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
------------------------------------
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
------------------------------------
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
------------------------------------
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
------------------------------------
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
------------------------------------
Why did God create man first?
He needed a rough draft.
------------------------------------
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
------------------------------------
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
------------------------------------
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
------------------------------------
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
------------------------------------
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
------------------------------------
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
------------------------------------
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
------------------------------------
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions
. ------------------------------------
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
------------------------------------
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."
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