CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHECKING THE WARRANT OF FITNESS

I'M OLD ENOUGH NOW AND READY TO GO.

O.K. So you've survived the earlier years of adolescence… everything seems to be in the right place and ready but under control. You've reached that age where it seems sensible to look towards developing an exclusive relationship towards marriage. Great. The million dollar question is: How far should I go, or more often, how far can I go and still feel O.K. about it all?

Tut. Tut. Not so fast! Have you got the right sort of partner? Before we look at how far to go with sexuality, we need to ask… how do we identify with a good sort of partner. It is a serious risk to have a romance with someone that you can never imagine yourself married to. What a waste of time, energy and emotion… and what a lot of hurting results. It is hard to wait in a society with instant coffee, instant channel change and instant love but it is worth it. People who marry need to have learned to be patient.

Sometimes you meet someone and the violins begin to play. You notice them more than anyone else in the room. They attract you. You want to be with them. They make your heart go thumpity thump. Is this love? Probably not… it seems real… it is infatuation and treated right it could lead to excellent love. In relationships it is good to follow your heart. The warmth of love is an important ingredient. The hot blooded feelings however, need to be checked out against some cold blooded thinking. As someone once said "Love may be blind, but it isn't stupid".

My mother used to say "Marry in haste, repent at leisure". This is an important proverb. Assuming you don't live in a culture where your partner is chosen totally by your parents, you need to ask some fairly big questions about this new heart-throb… try these.

1. Is the person interested in you? A friend of mine said jokingly "First she advanced my pulse. Then she repulsed my advance". This happens at times. We really feel attracted to people and can't understand why they are not attracted to us.

Sooner or later there needs to be some mutual recognition of the specialness of the other person. Sometimes this comes with friendship and time. The person may even be temporarily playing 'hard to get'. If, however, there is no sign of their wanting to be with you, there comes a time to stop dreaming. It doesn't always seem so at the time, but there are usually other people in the world that you could be just as keen on.

2. Is it someone you respect? In my experiences it is far harder to have pure thoughts, motives and actions if you are with someone you don't respect. You probably wouldn't envisage marrying this sort of person anyway, and you could be strongly tempted to use them for selfish purposes. Real love and respect are closely linked. For love to grow well, there should be many things about the person's character that you admire. Is he or she honest, compassionate and able to be trusted?

3. Is the person a real believer in Jesus Christ? If you are a true Christian, Jesus Christ has become the important person in your life. To think about sharing your life with someone who doesn't share this priority is most unwise. The Bible says "Do not be yolked together with unbelievers." 2 Corinthians 6:14a.

A woman who had married into this situation came to speak with me once. She had suffered a lot of pain as a result and said something like "Whenever you're talking to young people, tell them from me… it's not worth it."

It is difficult decision when you feel someone is very special. Some people will ever say they are a Christian or claim to believe the same things as you. In their understanding they may even think they are. Later however, in the realities of married life, the difference shows. There is a major difference between a born again Christian who knows the Lord and someone who knows a bit about the Lord. One wants to live for Christ. The other cannot put Christ first in everything. They have not been made new inside by God.

It is also very important that the person you are interested in has a similar level of commitment to Christ. Some Christians get more interested in possessions than in following Jesus. They are cold in heart and may drag you down to their level.

Some young people decide "It's O.K. to go out with a member of the opposite sex to encourage him/her in the Christian faith". This is very unwise. It is better to wait until a person has reached a deeper personal commitment as an individual. Then they are dependant on the Lord in their faith and not on you.

4. Are you friends? Do you like each other? Do you enjoy one another's company? Can you talk with each other about what is important to you?

5. Is the person able to accept you as you are? Many relationships strike real problems because one of both partners have an ideal partner in their mind. Then, often without realising it they try to mould each other to their dreams. Sometimes a young woman will want the man to be just like her father. Some young men look for their mothers characteristics in a woman. Some young men and women want Hollywood faces and bodies on their partners. This can block good relationships. When you get to know and love a person, their appearance can become more appealing. When you have a life partner it is best to see them as the most beautiful person in the world.

In a marriage there needs to be give and take… lots of it. Loving someone unconditionally so they will want to adapt is far better than using emotional manipulation.

Jonathan was recently going out with Sandi. When he was out with her or at her home, he just couldn't relax or feel free to be himself. He withdrew himself and felt tense. I suggested he end the romance. He did and now feels a lot better. Sandi will get over it and should also be better off in the future.

6. Is it someone who gets on well with your family and friends? This is more important than we often realise. People who marry someone their parents don't approve of are usually making a big mistake. Parents are normally stupid. They have experienced life's ups and downs and they know you better than most people do. In a marriage it is most helpful to have supportive families behind you.

7. If you and your friend are from different cultures or economic backgrounds, are you both flexible enough to accept a new life-style? In some cultures you are marrying the family almost as much as the individual. Cross cultural marriages can work well but those involved should have no illusions. There will need to be a lot of working through issues… communicating well… being willing to see life through the other's eyes. This can be very difficult at times, especially if the cultures are very different.

During the thrill of romance it is easy to forget that how you will act and what you will expect in a marriage has been deeply ingrained in you by the way your parents related to one another. There are bound to be clashes.

I was recently told of the struggles Maria and Sam were going through. They were both of a similar race. Sam was from a poorer home where he had to work hard. Maria was from a wealthy home where she had a lot done for her. She was accustomed to buying expensive things. Sam was working hard to make ends meet. Maria wasn't working but enjoyed spending money. This put real tension in the marriage.

SOME ASK - IS LIVING TOGETHER O.K.?

If marriage is so important, why not just live together to make sure we are compatible? This is a frequent question in the minds of young people.

They may even be scared to commit themselves when they see what pain their parents' break-up has caused. They need to work this through before serious relationships come.

Trial marriages are not a good idea. Firstly, the whole basis of good love in marriage is lifelong commitment to the other person. There is no such thing as a trial commitment. You are either committed or you are not.

Secondly, a lot of people approach this type of relationship selfishly with the question "Will my partner be exactly what I want?" rather than "We like each other and we seem well suited. We will commit ourselves to each other and to meeting each others needs."

Most marriages face tensions and need to be continually worked at. Hopefully, considering the points in this chapter will save you from a marriage where the difficulties are heavily loaded against you.

You may be thinking "Isn't it selfish to have a checklist… to see if a person suits me?"

It isn't so much the case of his or her suiting you as you both being suited to one another. It is checking the warrant of fitness of the relationship you are able to have with a person rather than passing judgement on him or her as an individual, that counts. If you truly love someone you should not want to drag them into a conflict-filled life unnecessarily.

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