CHAPTER TWELVE

HOW FAR CAN I GO?

Can I kiss her? Do we just hold hands? Can we do anything as long as we keep our clothes on? These and many other questions face a young person when he or she begins to spend a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex. In the Bible we find wise principles on which to base our behaviour. Remember, part of the fruit of the Spirit is self control. The Bible teaches…

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: (different to non-Christians) that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.

This was written to a young church in a very immoral city. There were probably Christians who had previously been prostitutes and homosexuals and others who were sleeping around. Whereas their approach to sex had been one of 'passion and lust', now it was to be characterised by 'holiness and honour.'

Our society is not a lot different to Thessalonica. How many soap operas do you know of where the relationships are holy and honourable? God is holy (pure and special) so our sexual behaviour should reflect his character. Fortunately he gave us his Holy Spirit to empower us if we are willing to obey. If we fail in the area of sexual behaviour, it is not because we have to. It is because we allow ourselves to.

When it comes to getting to know a member of the opposite sex however, we need to know what 'holiness and honour' mean in deciding how to behave.

The Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy, a young man in a church leadership position. He outlines principles for how to treat various people as follows.

"Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, old women as mothers and "young women as sisters, with absolute purity". 1 Timothy, 5:1,2.

This gives us the Christian standard for how a young man should treat a young woman… like a sister… absolute purity. This is far above the standards of television. It is also far above the standards which young people in the Christian community often adopt.

The question arises "when is sexual intercourse pure?"… The answer… in marriage. Another question arises. "When does a woman cease to be the "sister" status" The answer… when she becomes your wife. Even though the Bible is not referring specifically to the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, purity still applies.

If you are in a relationship, it is possible that you may not marry that present friend. It could be that your future wife or husband is at present developing a friendship with someone else. How far do you want that someone else to go with your future partner? The verses we read from Thessalonians teach that we should not do wrong to others in relationships.

Another question arises. "What if we're engaged or courting and intend to marry. Isn't sex O.K. then?" In our culture, long engagements are common. It is very difficult at times to hold back physical sexual activity but intended marriage is not marriage.

A close friend was engaged to be married until the relationship was broken about seven weeks before the wedding. The woman to whom he was engaged to is now married to another man. Until the preacher pronounces you man and wife, anything can happen (like illness, injury or death) to result in your partner being married to someone else in the future. (Cheerful girl aren't I). Till then you are like brother and sister. How then does this apply to a friendship when a couple are spending time together, getting to know each other?

This Christian concept in relationships involves love… that is learning to be willing, at whatever the cost, to ensure a partners well-being. Christian love, according to 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, is patient, kind, unselfish, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, doesn't delight in evil, rejoices with truth, is always protective, always trusting, always hopeful and always persevering. These qualities of tenderness and responsibility are sadly lacking in many courtships. While the warm emotions may feel like love, this deeper love is what needs to grow. It is a high standard but a good understanding of 'love that lasts' helps us to decide how to behave.

Self respect and respect from a partner are closely linked with good love. Self respect is very important for emotional well being. Inappropriate sexual behaviour can damage it and stranger the growth of love.

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?

How far is too far in the physical side of love? This is the hardest area to cope with in a modern relationship, especially if we have had been involved in sexual foreplay before. The key to understanding what is right and what is wrong is to ask…

Is what we are doing an expression of which is appropriate for the stage to which the friendship has developed
OR
Is it a sexual turn on?

Take a kiss. No, not now. I mean consider a kiss. There are different levels of kissing. The Popular Peck. The Light Fantastic. The Moonlight Medium. The Hollywood Heavy. A kiss can either be a responsible display of affection or a sexual turn on. Prolonged kissing on the lips, kissing with the tongue in the other persons mouth, kissing while lying close beside or on another person and kissing the sexual areas of the body are sexual turn ons (foreplay). These prepare both partners for intercourse.

Holding hands, hugging and touching various areas of the body can be appropriate displays of affection. Touching the sex organs, breasts and other stimulating areas of the body (petting), whether through the clothes or under them, and lying on top of the other person (making out) are definitely sexual turn ons.

Some would say sex is a legitimate display of affection in these ways.

The sex act is a display of affection alright, a very advanced one, which should say, "I'm committed to you for life." Until the time has come for that commitment to be publicly declared (marriage), full sexual intercourse is inappropriate and there the measures designed to prepare a partner for intercourse are inappropriate.

Some might think that this approach is "too square." Today people are into instant satisfaction. Patience and self-control don't appeal to many young adults. Here are some good reasons why pure love before marriage is helpful to relationships as well as honouring God.

THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS

Josh McDowell is an American author of a number of good books on relationships. He emphasises this principle.

The body is so designed that when it is sexual stimulated, something deep within us cries "MORE!" When a couple go a certain distance in sexual intimacy, next time they meet, they need to go a bit further to get the same level of excitement. This is a real trap. Before long they will be behaving well below their personal standards but it is very difficult to go back!

THE ORCHESTRA AND FRIENDS PRINCIPLE

When a conductor wants to tune an orchestra, the first violin gives the note and the quieter instruments tune up. Then the noisier ones can tune in. If the tuning begins with the harsher instruments, it would not make the best music.

In romance and marriage one of the most valuable things a partner can be is your best friend. There are quite things about a person (like the finer instruments) that you don't easily pick up unless you spend quality time getting to know them.

When sexual stimulation becomes part of a friendship however, it tends to take over and be a dominant force whenever you are alone. The resulting guilt and frustration can rob the friendship of it's quality. Many good friendships have been ruined in this way.

THE "WHAT AM I COMMUNICATING?" PRINCIPLE

When people care for each other, they want the best for their partner. Often through an action a person can selfishly ignore the feelings of a friend. For example, a young man might kiss a girl. To him it could mean - "I like kissing… It makes me feel nice to be near a girl… it keeps my lips moist" or whatever. The girl he is with, however, might be thinking. "Oooh. He kissed me. I'm more special to him than any other girl. This must be love."

When we communicate, it is our responsibility to ensure that the person receives the same message we are sending.

Those who have been involved in close friendships will know how hard it is to keep under control at times. They big question is "How can we keep things cool and under control?"

Nuclear Power Stations have cooling systems, and a lot of planning goes into designing and operating them. Similarly, a successful friendship needs careful planning and control.

Here are some cooling factors available.

BEING REALISTIC ABOUT THE POWER OF SEXUALITY

It is possible to under-estimate the influence that sex drive can have. Kidding ourselves that we have got everything under control can be a trap. It may feel that way when you're alone but when you're together, things can be very different. In view of this, a firm decision to emphasis group outings and restrict long periods of time alone can be sensible.

CONTROLLING THE MIND

Our mind controls everything we do. We need to get rid of material which is programming us to the "passion of lust" approach and feed our minds with the "holiness and honour" stuff. This includes significant time in God's words the Bible - no, not just a quick verse with coffee each morning but a regular study program, not just to gain knowledge but to know God better.

I found recently that decreased TV and increased Bible lessened the power of sexual temptation in the mind. Psalm 119 verse 11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." I challenge you to try it. Personal prayer also helps and prayer from others can be important.

Robert recently explained how he had a real problem with sexual impurity. He came to realise that Satan had some area of stronghold in his mind and this was broken through prayer. Another mature Christian prayed for him with spiritual authority.

This may be your experience but most lust is simply our old selfish natures. Rather than treating them as dead, we keep them alive for an extra bit of forbidden excitement. The answer is in treating that part of us as if it is dead. You don't offer a corpse pornographic material. It can't get excited. The Bible tells us to treat our rebellious nature the same way.

A strong daily walk with Christ is most important to healthy thinking. Frequent and open discussion with a trusted married couple about how your relationship is going can also be a great help. Many couples have also found studying the Bible and praying together are a help to keep their relationship holy and honourable. This is treating our new nature as alive to do what God wants.

SETTING THE STANDARDS

Paul explained how he coped. A young Australian, very much in love, he and his girlfriend Jane had made an agreement. He would not touch her anywhere that was covered by a bikini. With some of the bikinis around today that doesn't mean a lot but a few years ago there was more to them. I don't think he wore a bikini, so I guess they had a slightly different agreement for her.

I admire that stand. It made sense. This sort of realistic and open communication is a tremendous strength to a relationship. Paul and Jane are now married and have children.

When to make our standards is also important. It is not use deciding moral standards when you are together in the back seat of a car with blood pressures rising. God has promised a way of escape from temptation. The way of escape in this case is not to get into the back seat at all.

SHUT DOWN

If all else fails, a nuclear power plant is shut down and sealed off. Something similar is sometimes necessary in relationships. An unplanned situation can confront us with a very powerful temptation. Then it pays to just get out of it. You can spend a lifetime with the painful result of giving in to a temporary urge.

Joseph - one of the Bible heroes had this experience. When faced with his masters wife craving for him to join her between the sheets, he took off and ran for it. (Genesis Chapter 39). I presume Joseph had planned his behaviour pattern in advance.

King David, another Bible hero who had a tremendous love for God failed in this area. He followed his urge… the result? Adultery. Then murder, deceit, rebellion in this family, a divided nation and a child that died. (2 Samuel Chapters 11 and 12).

It is good to choose to keep control because of the benefits this brings. This is freedom. This keeps a relationship in perspective. This minimises hurt if a relationship ends.

If you have decided to marry and the warrant of fitness of the relationship checks out well, then I don't suggest a long engagement.

If your relationship can't exist without sexual turn ons, it is a good idea to finish it or at least take some 'time out'. It could be based on a very shakey foundation. Your future is too important to accept that.

To a Christian, good relationships are important and so is caring about friends. Rather than asking "How much can I get away with and still feel O.K. about it", may I suggest that we ask, "How can I make this relationship pleasing to God and therefore more special and fulfilling in the future.

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