CHAPTER FIVE

SEXCELLENCE - TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

"Come on… this is the real world. Life isn't often like that", you might be thinking, and I have to agree. It is tragic but true. Many people have thrown out the chance for excellence and purity in sex and hope to make the best of what they'll end up with. Many Christian young people who claim to know God and say they want to live for Him are compromising His standards. The resulting tangle of guilt and frustration eat away at their faith and personality.

A major reason why relationships are not what they could be is this: sex wasn't designed to be a selfish experience. We were not designed to life selfishly, but as the human race and as individuals, we have chosen that way of life and are experiencing the consequences.

SEX + SELFISHNESS = DISASTER

Society seems to have changed the meaning of the word love. It should mean giving and wanting the very best for someone… just like God does, but today "make love" very often means simply "make lust"… getting what we want out of other people.

BACK ON TRACK? WHY BOTHER?

Why bother?… I mean why not just go with the flow… if it feels good do it. Take it easy. Hang loose. Live free. Yeah! After all swimming up stream is hard work. So is cleaning up your sexual standards in a society that wants to dirty them.

Sexcellence is still an option though and there are some very good reasons for choosing it. Here are some of them:

Twelve Good Reasons for Choosing Excellence in Sex.

1. Because God commands you to change your thinking and will call you to explain your behaviour on Judgement Day. Hebrews 13:4 continues… "for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral". This is a pretty good reason. He has entrusted you with a body and will hold you responsible for how you use it. The Bible makes it quite clear that while God forgives the immoral person who genuinely confesses his or her sin and turns from that way of life, no one who persists in immorality will be in heaven. God is angered by our abuse of his amazing plan for sex. No one in God's family should ever allow this abuse in his or her life.

2. Because no society has ever survived a large scale ditching of moral standards. To just go with the flow is to contribute to the downfall of our society. All of us have a responsibility to expose evil and stand up for what is right.

3. Because sex is special. It is the most intimate expression of love that two people can enjoy… too good to be wasted on passing relationships. It's worth keeping for the person you love enough to commit yourself to for life.

4. Because sex is an art. It needs plenty of time and an atmosphere of complete security and trust before it can be really satisfying. Marriage therefore provides the best environment for sex. Sadly, many young people who are into sex now may never fully enjoy sex as it is meant to be; sex with complete security and trust. They settle for a cheap substitute that won't last. They may go for other cheap substitutes later on, that may not last either.

There is a sense in which a woman is not able to open herself fully in the depth of her being to a man in sex unless she has confidence that he is faithful to her and will continue to be so. Questions like - "Will he be here for me next year?", "Will he be with another woman talking about me behind my back?" There can close off the full enjoyment of sex for both partners. Even a faithful husband who would never dream of leaving his wife can spoil things for himself by staring at a pretty woman walking past and planting that little doubt in his wife's mind. It is far better to learn to say "No, I'm, a one-woman man (or a one-man woman)." This can also prevent a lot of damage to the front of your car.

5. Because if you had a choice, you would probably prefer to marry someone who has not had sex with so meone else.To be fair, you should offer than choice to the person you marry. Neither should you deny it to someone else who will marry your present girlfriend or boyfriend.

There has been a serious double standard in our community for a long time. If a girl sleeps around she is often called a slut. If, however, a young man sleeps with a variety of girls, he is often described as a "stud" or "just sowing his wild oats. He'll settle down". It is time this idea was blown apart. A stud is just a male slut… behaving just as cheaply. He may not settle down. Why? Read on.

6. Because if sleeping around before marriage becomes a habit, it will be more difficult to maintain faithfulness within marriage. In one sense, a person is bonded to all of his or her sexual partners. This probably means that the ability to be properly bonded to a partner is lost or at least seriously weakened with successive sexual partners.

That luscious rebellious feeling found in being sexually loose can be very tempting. A lot of young people don't realise however, that in this so-called sexual freedom they are cheating themselves of their future happiness. According to statistics, those that have sexual intercourse with others before they marry have a smaller chance of having a marriage that sticks, a smaller chance of a secure and happy family.

7. Because you can only have sex for the first time once. Saving this unique experience for the person you marry will add to the relationship.

8. Because experience before marriage can create the difficulty of comparing your marriage partner with previous partners. Imagine finally having intercourse with the person you love more than anything else on earth and both wondering "Am I as good as the last partner they had?" Fortunately good communication, love and acceptance can help overcome this problem, but prevention is better than cure.

9. Because sexual experience without love and commitment can damage a person's self acceptance… and make it more difficult to form a healthy pair bond later. Our society is stacked up with emotional wreckage from bad sex experiences. Some people, for example, are shattered by a one night stand. The loads of anger and guilt people cart around, often without realising it, are at times overwhelming.

10. Because unplanned pregnancy is more common than you may think. It is not worth the risk unless you are in a stable marriage relationship. And abortion isn't the answer. It brings guilt before God - (a unique, never to be repeated human being has been destroyed), and other emotional problems. During an abortion there is also a significant possibility of damage to the reproductive system. This can result in never being able to carry a child in the womb again.

A ONE NIGHT STAND

They said that I was stupid to keep myself so pure.
"What are you, queer or something, or really insecure?
Every one is doing it… it's life you understand."
And I took the lie and gave myself, just for a one night stand.

The party was a loud one, my friends had put it on.
And when he said he loved me, my loneliness was gone.
I wish that I had realised them, when he took me by the hand,
That it wasn't me he wanted, just a one night stand.

The swelling deep within my womb just couldn't be denied,
But I felt too young to stay at home, and feed him when he cried.
Study, travel, career and fun were things that I had planned,
It might have been so different, but for a one night stand.

Terminate it, people said, but my conscience told me, No!
That way could leave me sterile, the guilt would lay me low.
I made a big decision the first time I was scanned,
I took responsibility for my one night stand.

I really love my child now, he's an energetic lad,
And often as I watch him play, I wish he had a dad.
I'd dreamed of mum and dad and kids, and picnics, sea and sand,
How could I have risked it all just for a one night stand?

Anonymous

11. Because the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is completely removed… if a man and woman reserve sexual contact for their marriage partner alone.

12. Because it is possible to be affected by deep problems with evil spirits through sexual intercourse with people of doubtful background. It has been reported that people involved with witchcraft or other occult activities view sexual intercourse as a common way of passing spirit powers. Some sleep with people they know very little about. Following God's guidance protects a person from this danger.

To the true Christian, the Bible says "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body." 1 Corinthians, Chapter 6:15-20.

This was written originally to Christians in a city where immorality was widespread. It is clearly also relevant to us today.

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