A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."

Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there ever was one. "Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake. "That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically. The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the highway with me. Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?" The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is legal only in Arkansas."

Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being, of course, is seated upon the thrown. "And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President. "I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America". "Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work. Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?" "Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States." "Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?" "My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."

Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian President Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said, "When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no." During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa attempted to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that "every language has its own peculiarity." Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, "I don't know what I meant anymore."Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and honored prez would say?

UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.

In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's unwillingness to march with the homosexuals. "I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes." Maybe the group was just expecting too much..

Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the prick on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's been riding a mare.

Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill Clinton. One night, a burglar broke into the White House & surprised Hillary in bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to put her head under the covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched down, but that made her ass stick out the side. The burglar said "That goes for you too, Bill!"

Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?" "I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed. "Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked."No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."

During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion. Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would insist that she have the baby. Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the time!"

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away and Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!" No sale. About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"

In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.

President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."

Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says 'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is extremely pleased by this. A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank you sir. They're Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary told me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now their eyes are open!

Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat.

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.

If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both ways.

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come.

They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the governor for wearing a condom."

It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead.

From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle?

Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time.

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed.

Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political humor...

Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...

President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been appointed Secretary of anything? And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in.

I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates meeting with the Wizard of Oz. First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it". Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it". Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage". And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied,"I'm here for Dorothy!"

Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven wrong by the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley, Richard Gephardt, and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last night. Let's hope there is no conservative student rally in Lafayette Park or they will send in the only tank of the U.S. Army on them.

This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty Python. If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked. "Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!" "But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused. "Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"

I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of days ago and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning and saw that someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you know, yellow snow?). Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an investigation. And so after the investigation was completed Clinton demanded the results. The head of the Secret Service said "Well Sir, we have a problem. We did tests on the urine and determined that it belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem. The problem is that it is Hillary's handwriting!"

LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky. In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool, near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile dashboard.

Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the problems of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class have been cut. President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and ordered a 10% across-the-board cut in government spending, and a national health care plan has been put together to provide basic medical services at a reasonable cost, one which will be competitive with commercial insurers. Ha ha, only kidding.... Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk phone in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation equipment with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune. The leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize the Clinton administration. Republican house members are being uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his rope? (Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that will realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White House, and do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of Congress being more responsible than the president is Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition- and-canned-goods type of Scary.) Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase that was only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it might actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k figure are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement expected in the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if he wants to provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets, he's going to have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about $50k. Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al Gore (who has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like a model of sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated gas. Even though it's been proved irrefutably that this has no measurable benefit (and, in fact, several drawbacks - one of them being a significantly higher cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting slapped with an Energy Tax, but poor folks might be entitled to a rebate from an agency whose existence will be paid for with the gas tax, and whose sole purpose will be to administer the collection and disbursement of energy taxes. Latest news is that, even with the worst-case tax increases, Clinton's health plan will end up gobbling up more money than his spending cuts and tax increases will raise, and boost the deficit just a teensy, weensy bit. Say a couple hundred billion or so. And that's from the democratic spin doctors, who are making a valiant effort at damage control, so you can be pretty sure that the Actual Mileage Will Probably Be Lower. I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk waking up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well, folks, a couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that Slick "Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was elected, I hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic attempts to manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading the paper every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes George Bush look like a distinguished elder statesman.

There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."

I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It's called Algor. There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment. Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.

Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..."

Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.

Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is :-) (If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private, imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)

"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..."

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with you". She recognized him and agreed with him. Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President". Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
"more clinton jokes"