Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said, "If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of this kind from occurring."

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class citizens."

A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?) of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called the "Slick Willie."

Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run. "No", she said,"not now, not until '96."
Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for a baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents sat behind them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's ear. Bill turned around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted Hillary by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the pants and tossed her out onto the field. She bounced a couple of times and started screaming her head off. Bill was surprised and turned to the secret service guy for help. The agent just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said 'throw out the first *pitch*'!"

$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!

After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing around with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for example, are just beginning to come to their senses. Norway... Sweden... Denmark... SHEE-YAW... well that goes without saying... Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime... Walking into a wall is not intelligent... But walking into a wall when you saw the guy in front of you do it... That is just plain idiotic!

GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the President's agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda is opposed by Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not to be confused with "meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an identical situation that exists when the President's agenda is stymied by Congressional Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).

After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has been determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a homosexual. He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is constantly screwing himself.

As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally unlike the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored the American Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble. Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap Sucker. Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female of which, castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls, Bill!]) or the Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the birds that tore out Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to bring down fire from the Home of the Gods. Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a diminutive bird that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is no doubt the Jail Bird.

The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story, my conservative friends. It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a manicure. Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for sure what a manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful woman wearing a very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and enjoyed the view.Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and looked up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?" "Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand up."

On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno

Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new career as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in the former best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest critics think that Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.

Al Gore's daughters were over heard atTake-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school

Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but still has a lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his campaign promises yet"

President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create a new trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would go into this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward paying off the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly been fired for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security #2".

Looks, though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the area.

Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist. "Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?" "I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?" "I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut your hair when it stands on end."

Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get your dick as hard as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me like you've screwed the American people, then I'll go out with you!"

A Washington woman calls 911: "There's a Republican standing outside my window, masturbating!" "Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?" "If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have nowhere to turn.

The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them... But test marketing showed that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

Clinton is shaking hands with voters. "Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about you." Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!"

Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering. "We've got to tighten our belts..." The audience is clapping. "We've got to make sacrifices..." The audience goes wild. "Things will get much worse before they get better..." Audience: "Thank you, Mr. President!" "That's good for the business!" Bill is flabbergasted. "I'm trying to tax all the business out of business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm doing something that's good for your business? Where am I at, anyway?" Aide: "At the undertakers' convention!"

Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names off the tombstones. They come across an old tombstone so covered with dirt and moss that they can't make out the name. "Let's skip this one," says one. "Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill Clinton as anyone else lying in this cemetery."

Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton ballots, they see a single Bush ballot. "Put it aside," says the chief counter. A few hours later they see another Bush ballot. The chief smiles: "Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted twice! Annul both his votes."

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing... Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone happy." Hillary: "Why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody else happy."

A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and Bill Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If that guy isn't the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know who is". A big cowboy comes down the bar and knocks him off his stool. He got back up and started watching TV again. This time Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I thought Bill was bad the Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the world!" Another cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his stool. The guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative state. Where am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said. "Sir, you're in horse country!".

An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion poll. "The American public thinks..." Clinton interrupts: "When I want to know what the American public thinks, I'll ask myself!"

Heckler: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?" Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"

Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up momentarily to ask: "Hasn't he finished yet?" A neighbor replies: "He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped." "What's he talking about, anyway?" "Dunno, he didn't get there yet."

Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide on the shin: "This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!" "Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!"

Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
"Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted..." An aide tugs his sleeve: "This is President Yeltsin!" "I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!".

Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking a shower. She points to his penis and asks: "Daddy, what's that for?" Bill grins: "Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet meeting, and you'll find out."

Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has lost her virginity. "You were a little to old for this," says Hillary, "but did you at least enjoy it?" "The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real tired."

Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At some point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his cock. When he comes, she timidly asks: "Did you like it?" "I liked it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!"

Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer. Contact bill@whitehouse.gov.

During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit to the mideast to visit the troops. Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on the beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity. Then they could get pictures of him leading a protest against the imperialist yankee military and burning an American flag. Of course, all that would make him hungry. Do they have a McDonalds there, I wonder..?

Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday morning, was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending more troops into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied, "we're not ruling anything out, but the focus is on a political solution."

Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the proprietor: "I want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want the biggest dildo you've got!" "Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60." "It's not big enough!" "Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80." "It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?" "$120, Mr. President." "I'll take it!" As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling his friends: "Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my thermos!"

Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has done for Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell* anyone she's the President, she can continue to *be* the President.

What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot... As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a great tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore... Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps with donations from Hillary Clinton...!

Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime Minister just nodded and went on with the tour. Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."

The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21, 1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said: "We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration we were planning, though slightly changed in execution from our original goals, made a form of technical history. Though our project proposal was approved for Internet connectivity, some slight logistical misunderstandings resulted in a decision by White House staff that nopower would be available to any of the vendors, making operation of our computers a real challenge. We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work both with and without power in our facilities and at other remote sites. The system worked beautifully but, due to the no-power requirement, during our actual installation we reverted to Plan B and installed the world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN). We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to do everything you would expect out of a computer with the power switched off. At this level of functionality, we successfully demonstrated interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems, Persoft, Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms in the computer and communications industries."

Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me SUN!" Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious (Rodham Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so bright my mother calls me DAUGHTER"

(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President should be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to root@whitehouse.gov.

On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote address at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th anniversary. Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off

There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest had 10 questions to discover what the mystery item was. So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none other than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host sits Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he pulls back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at what it is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of embarrasement when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he decides to go ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the curtain and the audience cracks up laughing. So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question". Hillary replies " Could you eat it? " And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you could" The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?" Hillary replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"

This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."

The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations, specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently, Bobby Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security taxes until nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling the nations coffers.

Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes back taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even fight organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.

The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.

Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna burn that?"

Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Attagirl!"

Did you hear what Jocelyn Elders said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you put a condom on that."

Did you hear what Vince Foster said to Lorena Bobbitt??
"HELLLLLLP! Get me outta here!!"

Did you hear what Eleanor Roosevelt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"As I was telling Hillary the other day, ..."

Did you hear what Bill Clinton said to Lorena Bobbit?
"Next time you're up in DC..."

Did you hear what John Bobbitt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"NOOOOOOO! OWWWWWWWW!!! OHHH,SHITT!! NOOOOO! YOU CRAZY BITCH!!! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"
"Did you hear I have more Clinton jokes?"