Joke Arcive



Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why,she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Warning! At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots Are Easy To Please:
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she wasvery disappointed.

Idiots In Food Services:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Things to Wonder About:
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always duckedwhen someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISHWASHING LIQUID contains real lemons.
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of.
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it.
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

There were three daughters all living with their father. He was the kind of person who was very protective, and he didn't like young men. One evening, all three of the girls got dates for the same night, and no matter how much he argued with them, their father couldn't convince them to stay at home. Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and the father went to open it. He got out his .12 gauge shotgun, flung open the door and yelled "Waddaya want!" The boy standing on the door was very nervous as he said "Well... my name is Freddie, and I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, so is she ready?" The father called Betty and they drove off. Around 6:45 the doorbell rang again. The father flung open the door and yelled as he had done before. "Well... my name is Jo and I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, so is she ready to go?" Flo came running down the stairs and they drove off. Around 7:00 the doorbell rang again. The door was opened and the boy started to talk: "Hi, I'm Chuck - " *BANG*

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it." Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder." So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole. The first one man replaced the cover and, once again, b
The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Nice going!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop!
No Donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see some junkie kick your butt on "Cops"?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,too!
Aren't you the guy from The Village People?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay. just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic.
I know there are no other cars around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean "Have I been drinking?" You're the expert here.
When I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Is that a 9 mm? Gee, that's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, sweetheart, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public! "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

The Top 15 Famous Last Words:
15> "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
14> "Responding to the liberal media's biased coverage, these fine young members of the Republican House Caucus are standing behind me to show their full support for my continued Speakership."
13> "Luke, I lied. Will Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader
12> "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk
11> "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
10> "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."
09> "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer
08> "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley
07> "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect
06> "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
05> "Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
04> "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek
03> "Yoko, why don't "you" try to sing one?"
02> "Took your parking space??? Well at least "I"didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"
And the Number 1 Famous Last Words...
01> "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"

The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore:
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you having sex, instead of your roommate.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It's 'getting late' at 9:30 p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year -- and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
Discussions with your friends.
THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie -- The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN portscenter and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".
Football #034;season tickets", which used to be $75 for the season with dozens of friends are now $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down like I used to'.
You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

PRESIDENT CLINTON AND THE POPE:
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.

A programmer, a mechanical engineer, and a manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep, winding, mountain road with many switchbacks, when suddenly the brakes failed. The car ran off the road, bounced down the mountain, rolled over a few times, bumped into some rocks, and finally stopped only a few feet from the road below. No one was hurt, but they had a problem. They were on a mountain with no brakes in the car. "Let's have a meeting," the manager said. "Propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Mission Improvement focusing on our Core Business, find a solution to this Critical Problem." "No, no," said the mechanical engineer. "That's never solved anything. I've got two shirt hangars, half a roll of duct tape, and a Swiss army knife. Give me a few minutes, and the brakes will be good enough to get us to the nearest gas station." "Wait," said the programmer. "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender. The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town." The man worked several months without any problems. Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out. Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner. He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked or a drink. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man. He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents in one gulp, and turned to leave. Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink. "I ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John is a'comin' to town."

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my redshirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were many pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Golf and a Cadillac:
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf. After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied. When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."

St. Peter needed to take a break, so he noticed Jesus walking by and asked him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus said he'd be happy to. In a little bit an old man came up to the desk very slowly. Jesus took out form 85-A/j and started getting the information. Where are you from? The old man said he was from the Mediterranean Sea area. What did you do in life? "I was a carpenter," was the reply. Jesus smiled because this was a profession he could relate to. Did you have many children? he asked kindly. The old man said, "Just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth." Jesus looked closely at the old man and asked, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?" "Oh yes," the old man said. "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens." Jesus put down the 85-A/j form and held out his hands, "Father." The old man looked at Jesus with joy on his face and said, "Pinocchio?"

Get to work!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work: You and me.
And you're sitting there screwin' around on my joke page.

COMPUTER TERMS:
ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
BACKUP: Opposite of go forward.
BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once.
BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
BIT: 12-1/2 cents
BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club).
BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude.
BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature.
2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect.
Note: The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program endswhen a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed.
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space.
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages.
CODING: An addictive drug.
COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer.
CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words.
DUMP: A system programmer's work area.
FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative.
HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system.
LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages.
LOOP: See loop.
MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any machine.
MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer.
NULL STRING: The re
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