What We Have Learned From The Movies:

Imagine you lived the life of a hermit in some remote corner of the world, but you had a satellite television feed and were able to watch movies all of the time. Below are a few of the things that you would have learned:

* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade, any time of the year.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent is all you need.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Some Sayings That Ought To Be Famous:

* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

* Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Typing a Letter:
Mark and Sandra decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to little Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter. "Katie runs off to find her mom. "Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sandra replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today, there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."Katie ran off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." A few days later Sandra remembers Mark's request and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today.""That's OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

Womens' Little Book of Instructions
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers
. 4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them
. 6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "You may be, you look familiar."

How to Impress a Woman:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked.

Truth in Marriage:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman...Then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies,"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Resumé F**k-ups:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
- "I am a rabid typist."
- "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
- "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
- "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
- "Qualifications: No education or experience."
- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
- "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
- Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Prayer Time:
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed today because they pissed me off.
And also, please help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
So far today, God, I have done alright. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I am very thankful for that. But, in a few minutes, I am going to get out of bed. And from then on, I am going to need a lot more help.

A Cowboy's guide to Life:
* Never squat with yer spurs on.
* There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, ..try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut
. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
* Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
* When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
* When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
* Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT (an actual one filled out *L*):
NAME: (Left Blank to protect the innocent)
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility
. SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A NEW Way to Kiss Ass:
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!" He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

World's Shortest Books:
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Dean Rains
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" [well, there's bobb, bbob, and boob]
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Dead Chicken?
Kay Martin, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But, there were no chickens anywhere. Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen - coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze."As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. "Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since.

How an Alcoholic Can Be Ingenious:
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave."Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

SO WHAT ARE YOU SMUGGLING?
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that.Get off the bike."The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is every one in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."